The Reason for the Season

Mild He lays His glory by

Born that man no more may die

Born to raise the sons of earth

Born to give them second birth!

Hark! The herald angels sing

"Glory to the newborn King!"

Blessed Christmas everyone!!! Let us keep the Christ in Christ-mas!!! God became flesh to reconcile us to Him! What love!!!!!

Not-So-Simple Rule #6: You Can't Make Bad Batter Better by Adding Good Batter to It!

I have neglected my Not-So-Simple Rules for too long! So here we go again!

First let me be upfront and say Rule #6 is especially for R! Yes I can hear you screaming :) But trust me, this one you really really need to know.

Rule #6 - You can't make bad batter better by adding good batter to it.

A good cook will tell you, if you made a batch of batter for pancakes or waffles or fried chicken and it didn't turn out right, just throw it away and start afresh. That would be the best option. But many amateur cooks and cost conscious mums try to make the bad batter better by adding stuff to it - like more butter or more flour or more cream or even add it to a batch of good batter and hope that the good batter will mask the mistake and somehow 'rescue' the bad batter :)

But the end result, my daughters, is always that the bad batter ends up costing you more - more money, more wasted time, more heartache, more frustration. It would have really been better to throw out the bad batter and start afresh. You really can't make bad batter better by adding good batter to it.

So what does all this have to do with dating? You can't date a 'bad boy' and think that you ("the good batter") will be the one to change him. (I can hear you screaming again.)

You see, my daughters, many women are drawn to 'bad boys' - especially the ones who seem to be waiting to be rescued; from themselves. There is a little bit of "the saviour" mentality in many women; maybe it is the maternal, nurturing instinct in us, maybe it is the innate desire to fix things and make it better.... The fact remains that many women are drawn to 'bad boys' and we begin to think that we will be the ones who will make the difference - that all that this guy needs is a friend who believes in him, a friend who accepts him and is willing to stand by him while he works through his problems etc etc etc....... But trust me, my daughters, there is wisdom in Jeremiah's words "Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots? Neither can you do good who are accustomed to doing evil." (Jer 13:23) Bad boys can't be made good. Instead it will be the good girls who will get drawn into an unrewarding, demeaning and destructive relationship in the end.

I don't think I need to describe these 'bad boys' to you. They walk around with a devil-may-care attitude, they admit to having a huge problem that they want to break but can't (smoking, drinking, drugs, anger, gangs etc etc ) and then suggest in some ways that maybe they can't change on their own - their family doesn't believe in them (their mother / father / abusive siblings / step parents - the variety I have heard is endless), they don't have true friends, noone cares... Then they will talk of themselves as misunderstood beings, guys who could be someone different if only.....

That "if only" my daughters, must not be YOU! :) No, you cannot help him quit smoking, no you cannot be his friend while he is in a gang, no your friendship isn't going to save him, no you must not spend hours on the phone counselling him, no you cannot go with him to talk to these people who are making his life miserable.

And if, my daughters, you have already started a friendship trying to fix one of these "bad boys", you must have the strength to end it because the "bad boy" date is also emotionally manipulative. You will get calls and sms messages that portray him in different dire situations, his friends will call on his behalkf to talk to you, he will moon around in your presence, you will get messages that he is crying or drunk or suicidal. So you see, it is better not to get into one of these friendships at all because you will be sucked into a relationship that will drain you and get you in deep waters because the fact is, the saviour he needs is not YOU.

Dating a "bad boy" will mean moving from one calamity to another, from one situation to another because even when there are no problems, he will invent one as it is your sympathy that is keeping you hooked. And as long as he can keep you sympathetic, as long as he keeps you believing that he needs you, you will stay. And that will be a disastrous decision. So, my daughters, if the batter is bad, chuck it down the kitchen sink no matter how tempted you are to try and save it. Because you can't make bad batter better by adding good batter to it.

At a Hard Place

"How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child."

These words resonated with me when I did King Lear in my pre-university days, thinking of how hurt my father had been by my brother. The words came to my mind again this weekend after I visited my eldest sister in KL.

It is sad to be old and alone. Loneliness is hard to bear no matter what the age. But in old age it is harder, for added to the pain of loneliness, is a sharp sense of failure. A realisation that we have come to almost the end of our days and we have lived the best part of our lives, yet we have little left to show fo it. To be bereft of loving relationships in the winter of our lives becomes harder to bear because there is little left to hope for.

I am at a hard place. I want to care for my sister in her old age but I struggle with the sacrifices my family and I would have to make - giving up a room and privacy; the financial burden of carrying another dependent; coping with the stress of paper work needed to bring her here, hire a maid. Questions arise in my mind - how will this affect my family? what will I do when she needs medical care? what if she rubs my husband up the wrong way? am I ready to take this on for what could well be the next 10 years?

Then I remember that when I baulk at sacrifice, I dishonour my God who sacrificed His Son for me. When I wonder will I be able to afford it, I am questioning if my Jehoveh Jireh will provide for me. When I ask will my children and I handle the stress, I am asking if we, His children, have enough love.

It is a hard place. But I am reminded - "Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." (James 4:17). My heart is heavy.

Somthing to Think About

"Nations, like individuals, languish when they only have uncritical lovers or unloving critics. "

"One paradox of the human condition is that the most logical point at which to undertake painful reform is in good times. The pain will be less then. But virtually no society, and especially no democratic society, can administer significant pain in good times. It takes a crisis to make change possible. Hence, there is a lot of wisdom in the principle, “never waste a ­crisis.”
- Kishore Mahbubani, Dean,LKY School of Public Policy, NUS.

Prof Mahbubani is a thinker I respect. This afternoon I will be attending a talk by him at my office and I am really looking forward to it. He is an old school gentleman and sometimes I wonder what would happen to Singapore when his generation of fearless speakers passes on.

Here are two articles Prof Mahbubani wrote that we have been asked to read as a preamble to his talk:

"Can America Fail?"

"Can Singapore Fail?"

To Love

On Wednesday at CYAN we had an interesting speaker - Rev Matthew Lo. He spoke on 1 Cor 13, the passage which is oft quoted during weddings...

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." (1 Cor 13: 4 - 8)

It is a verse I have hanging in my kitchen as well and like something you see every day and do not notice, I have not paid attention to these words in a long while.

Wednesday's sermon touched me because the message seemed to be a simple one, but when it was unpacked, I realised how difficult it was to act on. Rev Lo pointed out that although this verse is often used in weddings, Paul was not writing this letter to a couple about to get married. Instead, Paul wrote this letter to the church in Corinth which was disunited, envious, quarrelsome and sexually licentious. As the speaker pointed out, the world had got into the church. And Paul was offering love as the only antidote that could pull the church back to what it should be.

I was struck by Rev Lo's question - can you show love in a love-less world? Can you love someone who hurts you again and again, wrongs you again and again, remembers nothing you have done for him and offers you nothing in return? If it was Christ's love we are talking about, the answer has to be yes. Because love keeps NO record of wrongs. Love ALWAYS trusts, ALWAYS hopes, ALWAYS perseveres. But as Jesus says, it is easier to love someone who loves us. But He calls us to show a different kind of love. To love in a love-less world? It is hard.

Not-So-Simple Rule #5: The Fruit Doesn't Fall Far from the Tree

Right, I have been turning this rule over and over in mind for a while now because it would be irresponsible of me to over-simplify this issue, yet if I were to talk about it to the extent it needs, it will be a very long blog entry.... So I have attempted some sort of a happy medium in-between. Let's see how it goes...

Rule #5: The fruit does not fall far from the tree. Who your date is is not going to be very different from who his parents are or who his family raised him to be. This was the thought that started me off in the first place, creating all these 'Rules' on dating... It is a rule that I admit I myself did not pay any attention to when I started dating and I can honestly say, now, that I wish I had.

When previous generations of parents arranged the marriages of their children, the family of origin was the most important factor they considered. Unfortunately, in the modern dating context, this item is not something couples get to till they are quite far down the dating journey and often, they don't get to it right till they are married. But in arranged marriages, if you remember my earlier post, this is the starting point and often the end point too. Both situations are not ideal. Looking at the family of origin of your date should not be the sole determinant of your decision to date or not, nor should it be ignored.

In the modern dating scene, introducing your date to one's parents is seen as a big sign of commitment, so many couples shy away from it. But I would advise you, my daughters, to spend time getting to know not only his family, but also your own - precisely because the fruit does not fall far from the tree.

What do I mean by that, you ask? Simply this - the person you date and you yourself, are shaped by your respective families of origin. Whoever your date is, he is shaped and nurtured by the dynamics of his family of origin. And unless he has recognised this and taken active steps to counter any negative influences there might be, he will bring all of this baggage into the relationship. As will you. Although during the dating stage you might think that the relationship is only about the two of you, it is not. Inside and behind each of you, there are the many patterns of behaviour, attitudes and values that have been layered in each of your lives by the families you were born into and raised in.

Some people spend their lives trying to live in the opposite way to their family of origin. Some people live out exactly the same dynamics of their family of origin. Whether you live by its influence or actively try to counter its influence, the fact remains that your family of origin is right there in the middle of your relationship.

It is important, my daughters, for you to spend time getting to know your date's family because if you keep your eyes and ears open, you will learn many things that will help you decide whether or not you should develop this relationship. His family of origin WILL affect your relationship with him, just as your family of origin will affect it as well. Make no mistake about this.

In what ways?

1. Communication Patterns

Observe how his family communicates. Does the family have conversations? Do they really talk to each other? about issues not just events of the day? Mundane conversations about what happened during the day has its place of course, but if that is all the family talks about - events, other people's lives, commonplace ideas - then there might be a serious issue of avoidance that needs to be addressed.

Observe also how his family deals with conflict. Do the parents have yelling matches? Or does either his mother or father retreat in silence when there is conflict? Does his family deal with conflict or does it pretend there is none? Do family members express their unhappiness to each other or do the parents preserve a veneer of politeness? Does any one of the parents play hard at 'happy families'? Do members in the family feel it is safe to disagree? Do they disagree without disengaging from each other - ie is disagreement allowed without the disagreeing member being made to feel he is being disloyal or disobedient?

The communication pattern in your respective families of origin is important as well - because all couples will have conflict. In fact if you and your boyfriend do not quarrel then that is a HUGE danger sign that you are not talking about issues honestly. And my daughters, in times of conflict, when the cards are down and you see red, the pattern you will fall into is the pattern you grew up with. The communication patterns of your family of origin will be carried over into your relationship. And you need to recognise this and address it right from the start.

2. Values

This is another important area that you need to pay attention to, my daughters. How does his family of origin view dating and sex?How do they view marriage? divorce? How are the women in his family treated? How is money treated? What values are associated with money, thrift, debts etc? What standards of integrity do the parents hold their children to? And an important one - What about forgiveness? Was it offered readily after mistakes? Was it withheld and offered only after much penitence was shown? Were mistakes brushed aside without penalty? These questions matter because they all have implications for issues that will arise in long term relationships. Different values towards money - for example between one partner who comes from a family where thriftiness was valued and another where money was used as a proxy to love - can result in deep unhapiness over spending and saving.

3. Role Models

Observe who the role models for your date are within his family. Is there a male figure he looks up to and wants to emulate? This is important, my daughters, because no matter how your date acts when he is courting you, you must keep at the back of your mind the truth that in moments of stress (and there will be many), this male role model is what your date will morph into. As will you - you too, are likely to morph into the female role model that you have grown up with, in moments of stress. If he has no male role model, or an ineffective male role model, that will create a truckload of problems that I pray will not get dumped on you! If there is a male role model in the family, watch to see how your date interacts with him. What does this male role model do? work as? how does he communicate with women? how does he communicate with your date? Does he affirm him? Watch, listen, observe, because this is a crucial piece of the jigsaw. If a man cannot get his father's affirmation, my dears, he carries it with him for life and will spend a good part of his life searching for it in all the wrong places.

4. Position in Family

This one is difficult and I don't even know if I can explain it correctly. It is a concept called "homeostatis" - the role one plays in the family of origin to keep the family system in 'balance'. In a sense each person has a "function" in the system, a role each one plays in keeping the system in "balance". So family members each play a role - eg the provider, the scapegoat, clown, confidante, the 'parent' child... These roles create a form of co-dependency and each one of us plays this part to keep the family moving along.

Homeostasis also explains something about dating and marriage in general. It explains the common idea why people are attracted to people with whom they (subconsciously perhaps) believe they can recreate homeostasis (order). In other words "falling in love" is often a matter of finding someone with whom we can "work out" family of origin issues.

We tend either to choose someone who is like or radically un-like our family of origin as a marriage partner. What we attempt to do with the partner is to recreate the role we played in our family of origin. So men who are close to their mothers, for eg, might sub-consciously be looking for a mother figure who would treat them in the same way. Or we might look for something that was missing from our family of origin and try to re-create it through the person we are dating.

The problem with this is that your date is neither your parent nor a sibling and he has no idea what the role you are choosing him to play is, because in turn he is choosing the role you are to play in his life! So I might be subconsciously looking for a strong male figure unlike my father or conversely, to re-create the relationship I had with my father. But if the strong male figure I think I have found is in effect looking for a mother figure to nurture him and protect him, then obviously I am set up for disaster, right? Story of my life :)

This brings us right back to where we started - Rule #1. A successful relationship can be forged only between 2 mature, well-defined people - be a dog, date a dog. You need to be able to "leave" your family of origin and the role you played in it and find another person who is able to make the same mature decision. And we will be free and mature only to the extent we are conscious of who we were/are in our family of origin. Remember, the fruit does not fall far from the tree :) And maybe God had something really important to say when He said "a man will leave his father and his mother and be united to his wife and they shall be one flesh" :) Hahaha - don't tell Pastor Rennis I said this ok?

5. Coping mechanisms

This has become a long blog entry as I feared so I am going to talk about just one more... Ask your date - what is his coping mechanism in times of stress? This is a crucial conversation to have and it is strongly linked to the family of origin. Parents who model unhealthy coping mechanisms will pass these on to their children and this will have a big impact on your courtship, and more importantly, on your marriage. We women are blessed by our ability to cry and talk. We truly are. When we feel sad or lonely or bored or stressed, we find consolation in tears, chocolate and friends. We rant and rave and complain and shop and just let the whole world know that we are not happy. The first lesson boys learn, however, is sadly, that "boys don't cry". I really wonder which idiot came up with that parenting tip. The Bible says "Jesus wept"! And there is no macho man on earth who can stand up in comparison to Him! Yet many parents keep telling their sons, not to cry. So what do these boys do? Ask! Because their coping mechanism can cause you many many problems if you don't ask and talk about it. This is the starting point of many unhealthy obsessions. Research has shown for example, that many men who watched porn to relieve stress had fathers who had the same coping mechanism. This is something you may not be able to gauge just by observing, but it is a question you must ask.

So, there you have it. Rule #5. I hope this has not been a depressing read for you, my daughters. It is the most sobering of my 8 Not-So-Simple-Rules and I don't think I have done it justice here. But do not take the issue of your families too lightly. The shadow of your families will always be there and time you spend trying to understand each others' families will be well worth it. As I said before, it is not just his family, but your own too that you need to be aware of.

But when all is said and done, please remember that Jesus Christ is the Author and Finisher of our faith. His love redeems and transforms and there is nothing He cannot change and re-create. All the ghosts of the past, every generational mistake can be wiped out by our God who delights in new beginnings. So in all things, do not despair. The fruit does not fall far from the tree, but we have a living God who catches the fruit when it falls and makes it grow again on a new tree of life! Amen!

Not-So-Simple Rule #4: 3Fs = Pass

So here is the long-awaited Rule #4 :)

Contrary to conventional exam grading systems, my daughters, 3 Fs would be a good checklist to rate potential boyfriends to see if he passes.

1.Faith - I am sure you saw this one coming, right? I cannot emphasise enough, how important this is. This is so important that a guy who doesn't share your faith shouldn't even be a blip on your radar! :) When God called the Israelites out of Egypt and made a covenant with them, He was very clear on this - when you go into the land I give you, do not marry the people of the land. And a major reason for this was that God knew that when His children marry those who worship other gods, it would just be a matter of time before they started adopting the rituals, practices, thoughts and behaviours of their spouses. Because you WILL compromise.

This is not an old-fashioned, narrow minded rule like the practices of some communities who want marriages to be within the same ethnic group or caste. Dating someone who shares your faith is important because when you are dating, you will be vulnerable. The dating phase is when many young people compromise on who they are and how they usually behave and what they prefer, because the desire to please the other person and win his approval is very great (hence the importance of Rule #1). So it will start with small things like feeling awkward saying grace before you eat because he doesn't. Then it will extend to other areas like not talking about God or not giving glory to God for things that happen because it will seem awkward. Then you will start bringing in God only when there are problems - like saying "Oh I will pray about that." instead of God being a vital part of your lives together. And as you get more and more involved in the relationship, you will give up more and more and by the time you get to the wedding, you will be ready to not even have a Christian ceremony because of how awkward it will all be. Marriage preparation claseses? Not a hope! Getting a pastor to marry you? No way that is going to happen!

Ask yourself - are there aspects of your date's faith that you hide from Christian friends or fudge when you talk to your pastor? Is your date's relationship with God something you talk about? If not, why? Is God in the middle of your conversations? Or do you say you will pray about issues on your own, away from each other? If you don't talk about God as a couple and how God is changing you or what God is teaching you and marvel at how God is growing you as a couple, do you think things will change after marriage? Are you and your date just great together or are you great together because you see God's Hand in your lives every day? These are important questions you need to ask and pause to ask yourself why if you answer them in the negative.

2. Family - Another F to consider is how the guy you like relates to his family, how he reacts to your family, what his family thinks of you and what your family thinks of him. Once you start dating, you are likely to become so wrapped up in each other that you will begin to think that the only thing that matters is the two of you. While this may be true early in your relationship, you will soon find that familial relationships will begin to intrude in many ways. How the guy you date relates to his family is important because it will tell you what his attitude towards familial relationships are - how he treats his parents and his siblings will give you a very good indication of how he will treat your parents and siblings and how he will treat you and your children in the future. Also ask yourself how your family feels about him as a person and be willing to hear them out without becoming defensive. Your family knows you in ways even you may not know yourself and they might see aspects of your relationship that you are blind to. If you hide aspects of your date from your family or are ashamed to tell your family about some things, then that should be a warning to you that all may not be right. If you hide something from your family because you think they would not approve of him or accept him if they knew this, then, my daughters you really should drop this guy like a hot potato :) Watch closely when his family members speak of him or to him - because like your family, his family knows him well too and what is left unsaid can sometimes mean a great deal.

3. Friends - This is one barometer you should consult as well before you embark on a steady relationship. Does he introduce you to his friends and do they like him? Are you eager to introduce him to your friends and do they like him? A sure sign that this may not be the guy for you is if your friends feel uncomfortable around him or if he does not introduce his friends to you. If in dating him you find yourself drawing away from your own circle of friends, beware! The friends you knew and enjoyed spending time with before you knew him are a valuable part of your life. If your date feels uncomfortable around them, it should be a sign to you that things are not all that they seem to be. The guy you date should encourage you to spend time with your friends and he should have a circle of friends that he continues to keep in touch with. Dating does not mean seeing only each other exclusively. Such exclusivity will result in you having only one perspective of any situation that arises - his. Your friends should be able to welcome the guy you are dating into their company and enjoy his presence without a feeling of constraint. Mutual friends are important and you should feel comfortable with his best friends too. If the guy you date begins to find fault with your friends or forces you to choose between him and your friend, alarm bells should ring, my daughters.

So, my daughters, check for the 3 Fs before you decide that this is the one, for they will give you a pretty good indication as to whether you should commit :)

My First Glog

Hey Prav - this one is for you! I created a glog at the workshop I attended today! Here it is. The techno-cavewoman has evolved :)

In God's Waiting Room

Every now and then, things stop happening in my life and God puts me in His waiting room. Right now is one such time.

There are many ways to describe it; I used to think of it as being "in limbo". But yesterday, in a counselling course I attended, I was asked to define what "being in limbo" feels like. And I realised that "in limbo" does not accurately capture how I feel like now. Because being in limbo comes from the Roman Catholic theology that believes that "limbo" is where innocent souls like babies or virtuous people who lived before Christ came, live. "In limbo" also seems to imply some kind of neglect or confinement. And I realise that that is NOT how I feel. So I shall stop using that phrase.

I do not feel that I am waiting for the release of God's grace and mercy. I certainly do not feel that God is neglecting me. On the contrary I know that although God is silent right now, He is with me. Definitely with me, on my side, in God's Waiting Room.

It is not a comfortable place to be for me. Because I am by nature a scheduled person. I like to plan, I live by my calendar, I am an obsessive to-do list maker. So it is hard not knowing what to do next. Do I apply for Professional Development Leave? Do I do a course? Shall I opt for part time work and study? What work is there for me to do next year? There are no answers.

But I have been looking back at my journal, looking for what God has been speaking into my life. And this I know - He has grown me in this area of my life in a sure way. Where I used to fret, and plead and ask a hundred questions and ask for advice from anyone willing to listen, I now have learnt to be still and wait. The Waiting Room of God can be a frustrating place to be, but I am learning that God has been growing me in small, sure ways to come to a point of complete trust in Him. I have not reached that place yet. But I know He will keep me in this Waiting Room until I do. But He is sitting here with me, patiently.

Today, in church, I heard Him again. Pastor Laura shared a vision of a tunnel with a glimmer of light at the end though the light seems far away. And she spoke the same words I sensed in my heart - that God was asking me to trust Him,to not worry about the journey ahead, to accept just enough light for the step I am on, no more.

So that is where I am - in God's Waiting Room. Not in limbo, but held in His hands, listening in anticipation, trusting that God who loves me immeasureably more than my human mind can imagine, knows exactly what is there in my tomorrows.

My Quote of the Day Today!!!!

No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

Not-So-Simple Rule #3: Lions are Bad News

Beware, my daughters of Lions, for if you date a lion, you will have to be prepared to be a lioness.

Lions are men who are attractive, attentive and charming but are only interested in dating because they are looking for 'trophy dates'. A 'trophy date' is someone who draws the admiring glances of others around you, like the models on the arms of footballers :) I know you are protesting that you aren't models or actresses but many young women are potential 'trophy dates' because they are popular, or smart or well-liked by others or even godly. Lion-men try to covet women who other men are interested in. Winning women who are liked by other men adds to the 'trophy' value of these women when they finally say yes to these men who are courting them.

Being courted by a Lion-man can be a heady experience because lions will pull out all the stops and stop at nothing to impress. They are attentive dates, they woo with the exact qualities they know you are looking for, because lions do their research and their stalking for a long time before they initiate the wooing process. So there will be extra attention, romantic gestures, lavish gifts, the works. And it will be very hard not to be impressed. :)

But once the courting period is over and they are sure of their catch, a number of things can and will go wrong. The worst that can happen is that the lions miss the thrill of the courtship and wooing and stray - by beginning the courting and wooing with the next woman they fancy. Because the thrill is in the hunt and the desire to add another 'trophy' can sometimes prove too strong. So even while these lions are in a relationship, they will not curb their flirting ways. If the woman they are dating complains, the lion men get very upset and either accuse their dates of being jealous and possessive or just declare that that is the way they are and that the women would have to accept them like this. Both such statements, my daughters, are danger signs to heed and to make a fast exit.

If the lion stays without straying, there is another aspect their dates will have to contend with. The lion does not hunt; the lioness does. Lion-men are often too busy preening their mane and "being the man" that they do not have the energy to invest time and effort in building their family. Remember this if you ever date a lion. The lion does not bring up the cubs and the lion feeds on the prey that the lioness hunts and carries back. Lion men make self-indulgent mates who will be romantic when they want to pacify their mate, often with extravagant, larger-than-life gestures and sweet words. But when it comes to paying the bills, staying up for night feeds and keeping track of school events for the children - baby, you are on your own!

So, unless you want to be the lioness - supporting, propping, paying and desperately praying - steer clear of lions! And how will you know he is a lion? He will put a great store by appearances (telling you what looks good on you, calling you sweet names like 'hey gorgeous'), he will be very proud of the way he looks (the mirror checking will be a dead giveaway) and he will likely have a poor work ethic (either holding a series of flashy short-lived jobs, or not putting in his best in his job and often encouraging his date not to as well)......

So if there is a handsome guy on the horizon who is being especially attentive and your girl friends are falling over themselves trying to get his attention and he is setting his zoom lens on you, turn and run, my daughters because Lions are Bad News!!!!!! :)

Not-So-Simple Rule #2: Ox + Ass = Crooked Furrow

You are familiar with this rule, my daughters - "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers" (2Cor 6 :14). This reference in the Bible does not specifically refer only to marriage but to any close relationship or partnership you would enter into. But most often, it is cited as the reason why it would be unwise to date (and marry) a non-believer.

Familiar though this might be, it is a not-so-simple rule because the unequal yoking could not just be between a believer and a non-believer, but also between 2 believers. So it is not just a straightforward admonishment to only date and marry a Christian, but also to check where each one of you is with the Lord.

Dating someone of a different faith from you is asking for trouble. In the first flush of romance, it will seem as if you can work ANYTHING out! Often the first attraction is a physical one and the other party is so very keen to get into your good books and be accepted by you that he will promise anything to anyone. Strong Christians are very attractive. Increasingly, in today's society, faithful Christian young men and women who choose not to party, not to sleep around, not to get caught up in the posturing and pretence, are attractive to the average decent blokes out there. These are good guys we are talking about - they get their grades, they aren't fooling around, they are nice - and they are looking. And these are the guys you need to be careful not to fall for because they will have nothing counting against them - except that they do not know the Lord.

You will need to be even more careful when it is another Christian. Because professing the faith is not the same as living it. It is a living relationship of faith that counts. A Christian who enjoys a vibrant relationship with God who dates a Christian who is lukewarm in his relationship, is still unequally unyoked. And this relationship is more dangerous because the cracks will not start showing till much, much later. Because you think the guy you are dating is a Christian, you will miss small warning signs or overlook shortcomings or forgive stumblings. Then you will start to make small compromises as well, because you love this person so much. And that my dears is when God will get edged out of your lives and become a convenient person you remember on Sundays.

The image of unequal yoking is an apt one. If you remember the account of creation in Genesis, you will remember how often the phrase "each according to its kind" is repeated. If I tried to plow my field by yoking an ox and an ass together, I will not get a straight furrow. The stronger animal will be pulling at a different speed and with greater strength. The weaker animal will struggle and might collapse. The stronger animal will set the pace because of its superior strength and the weaker animal will either give up or be at the mercy of the stronger animal or in extreme cases, collapse from the exhaustion of being unequally yoked. A relationship where a believer is yoked with an unbeliever is in danger of the same fate.

And it will be true even if you were both believers but one had a stronger relationship with God than the other. If I put a weak ox together with a strong ox, I still would not get a straight furrow because the slow ox will slow down the stronger ox, or leave the strong ox to do all the work while it goes along for the ride. More worryingly, the stronger ox here may not necessarily be the Christian and in that case it will just be a matter of time before the cracks start to show and then compromises will be made.

If both the animals who are yoked are strong, such as a strong ox and a strong horse, then you can imagine the chafing there is going to be under that yoke. I will still not get the nice furrow I want because each animal will be trying to set the pace, each will want to go its way. I might have matched the 2 animals in strength, but they are still unequally yoked. For a straight furrow, I need to match a strong ox with another strong ox or a strong horse with another strong horse - equal yoking!

So, when you date, my daughters, remember Strong Ox + Strong Ox = Straight Furrow; Ox + Ass = Crooked Furrow :)

Not-So-Simple Rule #1: Be a Dog, Date a Dog

Riiiiight.... so here we go! Aha! You thought I had forgotten didn't you? :) Here we go then, on the much-awaited, long-dreaded rules, my daughters....

Rule #1: Be a Dog, Date a Dog

This is crucial. You see, most of us are either dogs or fleas.

Dogs are self-sufficient, independent and emotionally stable. Fleas, on the other hand, are dependent on their hosts (the dogs) for survival. Men and women who are fleas are emotionally needy, looking for someone else to complete them and to make them happy. Men and women who are dogs are attractive because they are stable, they are rescuers and providers. So fleas flock to them.

Fleas look for dogs to give them affirmation, a sense of value and a sense of belonging. When a flea dates a dog, the relationship is a needy one. The flea is emotionally dependent on the dog and sometimes these relationships work out because the dog feels needed. The dog revels in its superior position and gives the flea the affirmation it is looking for. But sometimes, the dog begins to despise the flea for the very neediness that it liked initially and then the relationship can become manipulative, degrading or toxic. The flea will try to be more needy because that was what the dog was doing in the early stages of the relationship - rescuing and providing. But when the dog tires of this one sided feeding relationship, the flea, my dears has nothing to sustain itself on. Exit flea.

If the dog is a nice dog, he/she will continue to carry this flea for a long, long time. But the flea will remain in a emotionally / financially / physically dependent relationship and will not grow to be anything else.

Now when a flea dates a flea... Ooooh. This one is a goner from the start. Because neither one of the 2 fleas has anything to offer except their own neediness. But there are many, many couples in this sort of a relationship. Because needy fleas recognise the neediness in other fleas and they tell each other their sad stories, find solace that someone at last 'understands', and think that they will build a better world for themselves. Many people who are fleas don't realise they are dating other fleas because their own sense of neediness makes them think that anyone who shows interest in them must be worthy of their undying love. Fleas think so lowly of themselves that they believe the world is full of people who will only want to step on them, so when they find another flea who is as broken as them, they connect. But they have nothing to keep the relationship alive except superficial aspects of a relationship such as sex.

BUT when a dog dates a dog! Ah, this my dears makes for the start of a good relationship. Because both the dogs come together in a mutually affirming relationship. Each dog is its own master, each dog knows how to feed himself/herself emotionally and spiritually and does not need a host to carry it. Dogs who date dogs can go beyond emotional neediness and explore new areas of interest that will strengthen the relationship because they don't always have to worry about the fragility of the partner. Dogs have the strength to say no, when they find that there are aspects of the relationship they do not like. Dogs have the resources to be by themselves if they have to be. Dogs love themselves first and so will not be pressured to be anybody else they don't want to be because, hey, they are not needy fleas. Get it?

So, Rule #1 - Before you date someone, make sure you are a dog yourself. Then make sure you are dating a dog. If it is a flea, shake him out of your fur coat my daughters, because in the final count of things, he is just not going to be worth you! :)

Visiting Medan

Wow I can't believe it has been 2 weeks since my last tantalising post :) But I have been busy indeed!LArgely, my time these past 2 weeks has been taken up preparing for a workshop that I ran in Medan, Indonesia.

It was a GREAT experience! Although it took up a lot of preparatory time, it was worth it because I really feel I shared my love for teaching with an enthusiastic bunch of teachers. I must say the teachers at the Singapore International School (SIS) are committed and really love their students. Would you believe they don't have discipline problems? I was especially touched by the school's decision to allow the students to paint murals on the new school walls! I can't imagine any Singaporean Principal trusting their students with that. If we did, we would make sure that it was our best students who did this project! But that was not the case with SIS. The quality of the murals varied a great deal and some murals were 'not quite there'. But all these students were given a chance to decorate the school and I think it sent a really affirming message to these kids. I can only imagine what a great sense of ownership these students would have for their school!

Arranged Marriages

For some strange reason, I have been thinking about arranged marriages. And although I was horrified at the prospect of it happening to me 30 years ago, I am beginning to see now that this arrangment actually had some good things going for it.

I received my first 'proposal' when I was 24. I was in university then and I suppose my family must have been getting alarmed at my single status. Anyway, this guy came over with his mother to my sister's place to meet me. My sister pretended that it was just a guy coming over and was wary of making it too obvious that it was in effect a match-making session in progress lest I just upped and left. She tried in oblique ways to get me to wear a sari but I was at my un-cooperative best and played her at her own game by wearing what I would normally wear at home which was a shabby 'pavadai' (a long decidedly unflattering skirt) because it was just a guy coming over, right? No need to get dressed for that! Although I was determined to be un-cooperative, I must say that he was a really nice guy and the afternoon wasn't as horrendous as I imagined it would be. He was, however, a good 7 years older than me and he told his mother that he found me too young and looking back, I am thankful for his good sense for I would have had a hard time battling my family if he had said yes :) Remind me to show you his picture' ok? :)

What got me going down this memory path was a chat with my friend Ruth over breakfast this morning. She has spent a long time in Nepal and she was sharing how many young couples there who have become Christians actually ask their pastors to introduce them to other eligible young Christians as their own parents were still likely not to have accepted Christ. So the Christian pastors there have a network of sorts and look out for eligible young men and women who could be introduced to each other.

And that made me think about a big aspect of dating. Nowadays, dating is very much about the individuals themselves. When couples meet, they spend time getting to know each other but the family almost never enters the picture till much later. In fact, meeting the family is taken to be a big step in the direction of indicating that the relationship is getting more serious. But in arranged marriages, the most important thing is the family.

When looking for a potential groom, the conversations in my family centred around what were the parents like, was the mother of the groom the sort who would look after the daughter-in-law, how many sisters did the groom have and would he have to look after them financially, were there any genetic illnesses in the family, did the parents get on etc. Of course the first thing to be settled was that the family in question was of the same caste and socio-economic class, that the groom was gainfully employed and in the market for a bride. You see, this cut out so much of the angst I see now. The women then did not have to wait and whine about their long-term boyfriend not proposing or not being ready for commitment. The men were ready or else the families would not be looking! There was little doubt over finances, there were no hidden surprises and many issues such as responsibilities after marriage were worked out by the elders.

So based on my ponderings I am in the process of coming up with a guidebook to dating. It will be called '8 Not-so-simple Rules to Dating, My Daughters'. Hahahaha. Look out for the 8 Rules over the next few days! I shall do one rule at a time and you are all welcome to comment and contribute. This seems like such fun and I am sure I will mortify my daughters no end with this plan. Hahahahaha.

HAPPY TEACHERS' DAY!!!!!!

God Said "No".

I have been journalling about this so much that I didn't realise I had not blogged about it, until a friend texted me to ask about it. Well, the news is that I didn't get the job in NIE that I was really, really hoping to get :(

It has been hard accepting that news on a few fronts. First of all, I had been so very sure that going back to teach had been God's direction for me. I took my current job only as a short-term posting and had always intended to get back to teaching which I really love. And this position seemed to seal it in the sense that I would be doing 2 things I love - teaching and mentoring young people. I carry in my heart a desire to impact young teachers, to kindle a passion to teach that would survive the daily blahs that come with the job these days. And going to NIE would have meant reaching young English teachers, many of whom get dispirited so early in their teaching careers.

Then of course there was the ego to manage. To be told that I did not have the experience they were looking for was depressing. But it is true. Though I have been teaching for more than 25 years, much of that teaching has been at pre-university level plus my degree is in English Literature. What they wanted was someone with secondary school experience, having taught English language not General Paper and English Literature. So there was a mismatch of expectations. But everyone I had spoken to had been so sure that the job was mine for the asking that I suppose one part of me had begun to believe it as well. My boss was so sure that I would be offered the job that he did not even assign me tasks for next year and had advertised for a replacement! The talk in the office had centred around how things would be managed after I left and what I needed to do to hand over!

So to be turned down has been hard to accept. And I have been feeling a gamut of emotions. A part of me is really sad because I had looked forward so much to teaching again. Then I feel wary - that somehow I have become outdated and perhaps my 'market worth' is not what it used to be. And it is hard to see not getting the job for what it is - that I was not the best person for the job - and seeing it as a rejection of me as a person.

But 3 days ago, I was talking to R and she pointed it out to me - this is God saying no, isn't it? And I have to admit, yes it is. It is God. Humanly speaking there were many reasons why this job should have been mine for the asking - I am far more experienced than the job demanded, 2 out of the 3 interviewers were my personal friends, 1 of the interviewer in fact knows how well the class I teach in NIE is ranked by the trainee teachers, both my bosses were prepared for my departure and had remarked on separate occasions that they were sure NIE would be very happy to have me. In fact I had received an email from 1 of the interviewers in March this year asking me if I would go join them in July this year and I had said no, I will come next year. So after all that, I have to admit that if the answer is no, then it is truly God closing the door. And maybe, that is why my boss could not find someone to take over my post too! God was keeping it for me! Hahahaha.

So I chafe no more. Yes, this door is closed. But I know my loving Father has other doors for me to walk through. He knows my way.

Through It All

I was so encouraged by this song in church today. I love it. My God is faithful and He never lets me go! Just want to share it with you and hope you are encouraged by it! Whatever the season of your life, wherever you are now, His hand is over you.

Quote

"....which brings us to the good thing about getting older: you get to see how things play out — what happens to people, what doesn't. It's like finally getting to the best part of a novel. Sure, you can always read ahead. But it doesn't mean as much if you weren't there for the first part!"

- Ann Cannon

Quote

"It is not because the truth is too difficult to see that we make mistakes.... we make mistakes because the easiest and most comfortable course for us is to seek insight where it accords with our emotions - especially selfish ones." - Alexander Solzhenitsyn

I agree. Often we make wrong choices not because we did not know, but because that choice was an easier one to make and it made us feel better, not because it put us in a difficult place.

A Note to My Friend

My friend - you know who you are. You tell me you wish you had my life. You think I have it altogether and you have lost your grip on yours. I wish I had told you what was on my mind when you said that. But I felt then that you were hurting too much to hear it. So I am telling you here because I think you will read this.

My life is not perfect. I am not always happy. Many days I wish I had a different life. But I have come to accept this life I have been given and that I think makes the difference.

I stop myself when my mind wants to play the 'If only...' game or the 'I'll be happy when....' game. At any one moment in time, I have come to realise, I have the capacity and ability to choose - choose my reaction, my feeling, my perspective. You do too. If you keep asking "Why me?", you will continue to think you are a victim of other people's actions and circumstances. And it will not get you out of the place you are in. Life can be unfair.

There is no divine decree that says life for any one person on this world will be a fairy tale. Each one of us hopes ours will be the enchanted life, but that is a false hope that will only make the crash harder when it comes. Yes, you have been dealt a poor hand now. But please don't think I have not had hard places in my life. If you think I am at peace all the time, I assure you it is not so. But the hard places have built me up and made me stronger and when bad things happen I think back to other bad times and know I survived those and I feel peace knowing that these times too shall pass. That's why you think I am always at peace.

I will be doing you a disfavour my friend if I let you go away thinking I am just a strong woman. I am not. I belong to a strong God. I hope the next time we meet you will let me share my experience with my God with you. Then you will understand what I meant when I told you "The joy of the Lord is my strength".

If Christians were somehow miraculously protected from the evils and sorrows of the world, I am sure the whole world would have accepted Christ by now! No, we are not protected - we have, in fact, more than our share of heartache, straying spouses, divorce, deaths, rebellious children, lost jobs, financial ruin.... But we DO have a strong unchanging Rock that holds us together in the middle of our crisis.

So when you think I seem to have wisdom to make decisions, it is not me - I have a God who gives me peace in my heart when I am acting in line with His will and troubles me no end when I am doing things to please myself. That's how He guides me. When you say I am kind because I talk to people who have hurt me without anger or bitterness, it is because that is the example He set for me when He forgave those who tortured and killed Him. When you say I am always happy, my dear, you are wrong. I am not. But I do have joy, which is a very different thing, because it is not a feeling that is here with me now and then gone but an assurance that nothing will happen that is not in God's plan for my life. And if He allows it, He will take me through it.

I am saying these things here and not in an email because I thought you might be offended if I said these things to you straight. I am in a difficult place. I value you as a friend and want to just listen to you and share your sorrow, but I also know in my heart that there are things you are not ready to hear that I must say to you, precisely because you are my friend. So here it is on my blog. We can talk about it. Or we need not. You are still my friend.

Vidhya's Wedding Photos

I have finally managed to figure out how to import the photos from my new-fangled camera to my laptop :) So here are some pictures from my recent trip to London for my niece's wedding!

My darling daughters and my niece Charllyn all dolled up. Charllyn was a bridesmaid. Vidhya had dresses done up for all her bridesmaids in the same material but in different designs. They all looked very pretty!

From L to R: That's my niece Renu who lives in Florida, my daughter R, the bride Vidhya, my niece Charllyn, my daughter J, and my nephew Arvind looking dapper in his bestman's suit.

Me, my tummy and my daughters :)

With my favourite niece Maya who bugs J by insisting that she is actually my first daughter :)

With my sisters! I have 7 sisters but not all of us could make the trip to London.

The happy couple and my sister, the mother of the bride :)

And my family NEVER has a celebration which does not include dancing :)

8:22pm on 9 August 2009

It was Singapore's 44th National Day on the 9th of August. I am an unashamed flag-waving patriot, causing much eye-rolling among my children and I'm sure one or both of you are going to groan that I am actually blogging about National Day :). Undeterred by my children, I am proud to say that I love Singapore, warts and all!!!

That there are many things I can find fault with I do not deny. But I don't think any country in the world is perfect. Each nation has its strengths and drawbacks. But sometimes I feel among all the countries I have visited (not many, I know), Singaporeans have a penchant for bashing their own nation more than people I have met elsewhere. The Americans and Australians, I think, are the proudest of their countries. A close second are Indians. But many of my fellow countrymen seem to shy away from taking pride in Singapore. Not only do we not speak well, we also respond with disparaging remarks when others comment positively about Singapore!

Recently, a Canadian wrote in to The Straits Times Forum page to say how much he appreciated Singapore and to chide Singaporeans for not having more pride in their country. The very next day a Singaporean wrote in with a long litany of woes, detailing all that he felt was great in Canada - social welfare and low housing cost being chief on his list - and opined that the Canadian didn't know how good he had it and by implication, how bad the Singaporeans had it. I was really glad that the Canadian writer did not take it lying down but replied with a feisty letter standing by all he had said about Singapore and pointing out some of the problems that he saw in Canada. Like I said, every country has its strengths and its weaknesses.

While I do admit that there are other places that I find attractive - like Melbourne - I do not feel a need to criticise Singapore or its government for what I perceive to be the lack of attractions like those that Melbourne offers. Singapore has been good to me. And I think it is this awareness, that if not for me coming to Singapore at 14, I would not have the life I have now, that keeps me grateful to this nation.

By coming to Singapore, instead of staying in Malaysia where I was born, I had access to an English education. This is something all our students take for granted, without ever wondering why so many children cross the Causeway daily from Malaysia and pay exorbitant fees to study in Singapore schools! If I had stayed in Malaysia I would have been taught in Malay and received an education that would not have been recognised anywhere else in the world. I would have had to fight against race quotas in universities and workplaces, I would have had to look for 'connections' or bribe to get ahead and I would have become fiercely protective of my race identity as so many of the Indians in Malaysia are. I would not be free to worship as I am now and I would have to send my children away at an early age or migrate to ensure that my children had a chance to get ahead in life. These are the realities in the country of my birth.

In Singapore, I succeeded purely on merit. The colour of my skin has not mattered. I can honestly say that in the past 38 years that I have lived here, I have not experienced racial discrimination. I have benefited from financial aid offered by the government both during my secondary school days as well as through my university days based solely on my academic performance. I have had opportunities to grow professionally in the civil service; I have raised a family in a government-subsidised house. I do not worry when I return home late after a night out with my friends; I do not worry when my girls are out with theirs. I am not worried about my old age as I have a government pension and medical benefits to see me through till the day I die.

Yes, the government does not give handouts to the poor. But the government does offer heavily subsidised skills training for those who are out of jobs, the government pays the fees of children from poor families, there are few homeless people sleeping on our streets, there are few beggars and if any they are foreigners out to make a quick buck. Education is the great social leveller and the government sends its social workers to ensure that every child of school-going age is in school.

Yes, it is true that this country has been run by the same political party since the day of its independence. Yes, it is true that the current Prime Minister is the son of our first Prime Minister. And yes, it is true we ban chewing gum, cane vandals and hang drug traffickers. Yes, it is true that homosexuals feel discriminated against because we have not repealed the law that says anal sex is a crime :) BUT it is also true that 85% of our people own their homes, have compulsory government savings they can use in their old age and are sure that if they fall ill, they will be seen by a doctor and admitted in hospital if necessary, on the same day.

When all is said and done, I think Singapore is a great place to live in and to bring up a family. And that is why when the call went out this year to collectively say the National Pledge at 08:22pm I decided I was going to join in, no matter how ridiculous it felt! So there we were at 08:22pm on the 9th of August 2009, taking the National Pledge with many other Singaporeans who felt strongly enough about this country we call home.

My personal favourite memory was when Chad, who was visiting from the US, decided he would stand with the rest of us too to honour the moment :) Yay!

We, the citizens of Singapore

Pledge ourselves as one united people

Regradless of race, language or religion

To build a democratic society

Based on justice and equality

So as to achieve

Happiness, Prosperity and Progress

For our nation!!!!

Our Children's Journey

I think I am not alone in this - parents want their children to have better lives than they themselves did. We want them to enjoy the happy moments we ourselves did and spare them from the sadness we experienced. It is as if we try to make their lives magically perfect with all of the good things and none of the bad.

I remember a conversation with one of my sisters in London. She was anxious about her son's decision to leave his current job in London to move back to KL because she was not sure that his job prospects would be good, given the state of the economy. Struggling through her university and working to pay her fees has left an indelible impression on my sister and now much of the way she views life is affected by the spectre of financial security. This is a big concern for her and at every life stage she focuses first on ensuring her children are provided for. For me, it is the spectre of emotional security. Having struggled with a low self esteem and a difficult marriage, I want to protect my children from the pain of rejection or betrayal. The experience is a similar one for my sister and me - having walked the path of experience, we want to tell our children what to watch out for.... Beware that rock, don't stumble over it; beware that slippery patch; don't take that turn because you will get lost; come this way because I walked this way and my journey was a pleasant one; and do climb that hill I didn't get a chance to, because I hear the view is fabulous and I missed it .......

We all do this I think. We want our children to replicate our school experiences or university experiences; we want our children to travel to places we have seen or not had a chance to see; we have in our minds the kind of spouse he or she needs; we imagine their careers. The urge to advise is there and I admit I do this every opportunity I get. Sometimes we try to manipulate the situation by getting someone else to tell them as we think they would be more receptive if it came from a non-parental source.

Yet, when it comes to the crux, I realise these choices are my children's to make, not mine. The decisions are theirs. The triumphs are theirs. So too the mistakes. But failures teach valuable lessons and protecting my children too much by orchestrating every stage of their life journey is not going to guarantee a happy life. So I have learnt - to speak my mind, explain my reasons and then to drop it; to warn only when the danger seems great; to keep quiet until my advice is asked; and to cover my precious daughters in prayer, the mightiest weapon of all.

Our children must walk their own journeys, but I believe it is our God-given duty to give them sign-posts and to point them in the right way. First they will walk with their hands in ours, then they will let go and run a little, frequently turning back to see if we are still there. Then they will stride off on their own occasionally turning back, to see if we are keeping up. Much as we would like to, my sister and I cannot and must not hold their hands for too long or insist on the paths they should take. Because God has a road map for each one of them and He will guide them, pulling them out of ditches they fall into, keeping their feet on His chosen path, gently turning them back when they wander down wrong ones, and guiding them to mountain tops - for views not intended for our eyes but theirs.

Knowing Myself

I have started a pastoral counselling course. The first session was last Saturday and the second session will be the day after tomorrow. At the first session, the trainer talked about the importance of self-knowledge and self-acceptance as the first step in beginning to counsel others. She asked us how many of us would rate ourselves as 6 or higher out of 10 in terms of self-knowledge. Unsurprisingly, there were a number of us who felt we had journeyed in terms of self-knowledge. Unsurprising because everyone there had been nominated by their churches to be pastoral counsellors so I suppose a level of maturity was to be expected. Of course there was no one who could claim a 10 out of 10 - for who has perfect knowledge of us but God? Most of us were at 6 or 7.

The trainer then asked us how we had learnt things about ourselves. It was interesting to think about this. For me I would say, God revealed aspects of myself to me in 4 ways - through personality tests (like Myers-Briggs), through books like an interesting book on temperaments, through scripture and most important of all, through honest friends. I think it was the honest friends He gave me who were the most instrumental in showing me my weaknesses and in prodding me to look to God to change.

It is because of my personal experience, I think, that I find it difficult to accept when people say _ "this is me; I cannot change; This is just the way I am". I have seen and experienced the change God has wrought in me and I know that I have changed. God has taken hard bits of me and broken and moulded me in sometimes painful ways to make me a "new creation" in Him. And I thank God for that. As I look back and remember who I used to be, I am often ashamed. And I thank God for WY and MF who did not mince their words and did not spare my feelings but showed me when I was arrogant, when I was wallowing in self-pity, when I was being judgemental, when I was bad-tempered and when I was allowing myself to be an insufferable martyr. I was so so angry then but I am so thankful now because I realise it took a lot of courage and a lot of love for them to be able to speak such hard truths to me.

And yesterday at CYAN cell group, I realised there was a 5th way - God also used the really painful periods of my life to change me and draw me closer to Him as well. It seems paradoxical and weird, but when I think about it I realise that it is the hard times that God uses to change me because it is only during hard times that I am listening to Him! When things go well, more often than not, I am busy chasing my toys. But when I get to a point when I don't know what to do, and who to turn to, that is when I seek His face and when I am most receptive to His voice.

My most recent experience is a case in point. My illness has finally brought me to a point when I can trust God in hard circumstances. This was an aspect of my spiritual life that I struggled with because I tend to do things on my own steam and I love to have things my own way. Sometimes, I think I treated God like a rubber stamp of authority asking Him to endorse decisions I had already made instead of really listening to His will. But the experience of being ill taught me my own real helplessness. On my own will I could not even close my eye; I could not drink from a cup. I could do nothing about the situation except to wait for healing in God's time. And I learnt in those 5 days to let go. It was hard but there was nothing else I could do but pray and wait. Yes I felt ashamed and self conscious; yes I was frustrated and spent hours searching on the internet for cures, vitamins, facial exercises.... anything that I could do to improve my situation. But there was nothing to do but wait. And that period has changed a lot of my perspective about life. I find it easier to wait, easier to live with ambiguity, easier to trust that things will turn out ok and even if they didn't, to believe that I will be ok.

In London

Yay! Praise God that I made it to London! Right till I went for my review on Tues I wasn't sure if this was going to happen. I was anxious but prepared in a corner of my heart to give up the London trip if the neurologist had not cleared me for travel. But the review went very well! And the doc said that I had recovered around 70 - 75% strength of the facial muscles. And right now the little lop-sidedness is not even noticeable! God is my Healer.

So my daughters and I are in London now, having a really blessed time so far. We arrived on Friday 10 Jul and last night we celebrated my sister Su's 60th birthday. She had hired a small hall and had a DJ to play music. Her friends did all the cooking and even baked the cake for her. The music was different from my 50th, of course. Where mine was predominantly Indian in 'feel', my sister's do had a West Indian 'feel' to it, largely due to her friends being mainly from Trinidad / Jamaica / Barbados etc. So it was reggae night with a congo line instead of the mad Indian dances I had :) It was nice to get back with my sisters again, though this time there were just 5 out of the 8 of us.

Been hanging out at my niece M's most of the time. We had a nice day out today to recover from the tiredness of last night. We went to church, and as the weather was lovely, we went to Parliament Hill Park where we played 'It' and 'Duck, Duck, Goose' and 'What is the time Mr Wolf' to keep my grand-nephew entertained and to give oursleves permission to eat a lot under the guise of having exercised a lot :) We then drove down to the Thames and had a very nice lunch at Giraffe's.

It's begining to feel a lot more like a holiday, now. Tomorrow we are going to take a day trip to Bath now that J has a greater appreciation for all things Austen. Tues we are going to spend the day in the city and probably get some shopping done before we meet for my niece Charllyn's graduation dinner party. Then Thurs, most excitingly, M has booked us for a 3D2N trip to Paris! This is something I am really looking forward to as I have wanted to go to Europe for soooo long - since my undergrad days actually - and I am excited. We come back from Paris on Sat and then it is my niece Vidya's wedding next Mon and then all the excitement winds down and we leave for Singapore (and work) next Tues. Right now, I don't want to think about that. Right now I am just going to focus on my trip to Stonehenge and Bath tomorrow.

In the Valley

It has been a hard 2 weeks for me. On 22 Jun I started having sores on my tongue which I thought at first was an allergic reaction to the new toothpaste I had bought. So I just put up with it, changed back to my usual toothpaste brand and thought the sores would go away. They didn't. Instead I started to get more and more of them till by Fri 26 Jun my tongue was swollen and I could hardly talk or eat. The following evening I developed a fever and that was when I decided I should go see a doctor.

So on Sunday, almost a week after I started getting the sores on my tongue I finally see the GP and he says it was not an allergy but an infection and sent me home with antibiotics and a day's medical leave. The next morning I woke up to find the left side of my face swollen and the right side of the face drooping! My first thought was - I have had a stroke! So back to the GP I went and this time another doctor was on duty. She told me I had Bell's Palsy and gave me a strong dose of steroids and said I had to see a neurologist within 48 hrs.

So on Tues 30 Jun I saw a neurologist who has finally diagnosed my illness as Ramsay Hunt Syndrome which is a herpes viral infection caused probably by the dormant chicken pox virus in me. Some people get shingles. I have been on medical leave since then and going for my review with the neurologist tomorrow afternoon.

How has it been, these 2 weeks? I have alternated between despair and strength. And I think, there has been more strength. God has been truly gracious to me. R was back by the time the drame started and she was a huge help during the weekend when I was at my worst. The facial paralysis was very hard to take and I felt self-conscious and scared that it was going to be permanent. It was difficult to speak clearly for 2 days when my words were slurred and my imagination went wild thinking things like - how will I teach again? :)

But I also felt really supported by the prayer of my friends and family. Often, feelings of despair would be followed almost immediately by a sense of assurance and peace. I am thankful God directed me to an alert GP, that the neurologist I saw was experienced and unfazed and did not order unnecessary scans and tests as even just that one consultation already cost me $400 in consultation fees and medication. I am thankful that the facial paralysis is lessening and the droop doesn't seem as obvious now as it did last week. I am thankful my boss and office colleagues have been really supportive in covering work for me. I am thankful for my sisters-in-Christ who have prayed for me and encouraged me.

So what now? I don't know. I am still easily tired. And my hearing is affected. I have a ringing in one ear and all sounds are amplified and this is making me feel imbalanced so I feel fragile, as if I can't trust myself to carry even a mug of tea and walk from the kitchen to the living room. We are supposed to be flying on Friday to London to attend my sister's 60th birthday dinner and my niece's wedding. I am not sure if I can make the trip. If I don't go, my sister and my daughetrs are not likely to want to go either and that could potentially cost me $6000. Maybe I could get a doctor's letter and claim from my travel insurance, I don't know..... I feel bad that I have not been at work for a week and that I would be flying off to London too....

So right now, I don't know what tomorrow will bring. Like I was telling J and R this evening, it is a bit freaky that my travel plans this year are all being de-railed or 'spoilt' in some way or another. But I am in a good place inside of myself. Maybe this is my desert experience, maybe it is my valley time, maybe it is enforced rest. But this too I will accept from the hand of my Lord and my God because I know He is good. His ways are perfect and though I may not understand all the things He has planned for me, in Him I trust.

Though the fig tree does not bud

and there are no grapes on the vines,

though the olive crop fails

and the fields produce no food,

though there are no sheep in the pen

and no cattle in the stalls

yet I will rejoice in the Lord,

I will be joyful in God my Saviour.

(Hab 3: 17 - 18)

May God bring me to this place.

Weighing the Costs

What is the dividing line that determines whether one is being selfish or whether one is taking care of one's needs?

I remember the first flight I took with J as a toddler, to India. I think it honestly was the first time I properly listened to the pre-flight safety announcements. And I remember being surprised and a little indignant at the instruction given, that should the oxygen masks descend, I should attend to myself first before attending to my child. Surely noble sentiments called for me to attend to my child first then myself?

But I have since come to realise the truth of that instruction and its application in many different situations. If I attended to my child first, I might not get round to attending to myself. And I have come to see the wisdom of this approach in other 'helping' situations. When I was burnt-out as a teacher, I became less effective; in spending more and more time marking, counselling and coaching my students I actually helped them less and less, as my quality of marking deteriorated, I became impatient during counselling and just wished the student would move on and reach the resolution that was already so obvious to me :)

In church too I have seen how I need to attend to my own spiritual life first if I were to be an effective witness for Christ. For it is only out of a Spirit-filled life that can I give others. I cannot run on dry. And that meant not filling up my week with Christian courses, cell and other activities and making sure I resist the temptation to fill my precious Saturday mornings - my ME time.

I thank God for showing me the importance of ME time so long ago when the girls were little. Having been at home the whole day, they used to wait for me to come back from work. And this included my helper, Mary, who was desperate for me to come and take over the kids. Cooking dinner was therapy for her :) But me, I used to come home so tired that I needed time to just chill and much as I loved my children, I just needed time to relax a little. I am so glad I heard about Disney's De-Stress Chamber. I am not even sure whether it is true or not, but apparently all employees have to go sit in a special De-Stress Chamber before they go home for the day because being polite and happy all the time is just not normal and it is hard on them. So this 'time-out' gives the employees some time to get the work day out of their system and lets them go home to their families happier.

Well, I tried that and that it the ONE MOST IMPORTANT activity I attribute my sanity to. I told my helper that I would call her when I was coming home and she would need to take the kids into a room and play with them or watch tv for half hour while I showered. After that she did not need to attend to the children for therest of the evening. But I would not go home straight from work! I would go to a nice little park we used to have in front of our old flat and sit there for anything from half hour to an hour. Mostly I would read or pray. Then I would call my helper to say I was coming in 5 minutes and go up, have a shower and then I was ready to be a mummy. Hahaha... it really was a neat arrangement.

Well, I started going down memory lane because I am again thinking about whether what I want to do now is right. I want to take 6 months off work. It wouldn't mean a loss of pay exactly, but it will mean there is less money to go around, because 3 of those months will be on full pay and 3 will be on half-pay. This is a new scheme introduced by the MOE to encourage us to learn. It is called Professional Development Leave and it is a great opportunity. Only thing is I must engage in a professional development activity of some sort - study or work attachment or do research. I want to study and given the finances, Australia seems like my best bet as the exchange rates are better.

But there are other things to consider - the day-to-day running of the household, the finances, the needs of my children, and the question - is it worth it? I would be able to get a Post-graduate Certificate at the end of it, given that is only a 6 month course. On its own, it will add nothing to my career - no recognition or monetary reward. But it is an experience that I think I will enjoy. And it is a good point in my career at which to do this.

So I am asking myself, am I being self-indulgent or am I doing something for myself just because I want to? I would definitely have to take a loan to pay the fees (but MOE will give me an interest-free loan).... Should I save the money I would be spending? Maybe do a part-time course locally instead? But that would be draining as I would not be able to take time off and will have to stay in my job. For what I will be paying in 6 months I will be able to pay for a PhD locally for 2 years...... This has been going round and round in my head this past week.

An Evening with Friends

I met up with my friends from JI again last night. Mini had us over at her new condominum.It was the usual raucous affair and we missed Sham. Mini's husband came out of the room where he was trying to work to studiedly inform us that we would be heard from the patio at the bottom of the condominum. But that made absolutely no impression on us.

What did we talk about? Getting rid of baggage as we grow older (is it "release", "closure" or "moving on"? hahahaha) children (having them, growing them and letting go), what our lives should have been like, what our lives are, bosses and their vagaries, husbands and their vagaries, marrying young, marrying late, holidays, that my gynae is my friend :) diet, acupuncture and hynotherapy as means to losing weight, movies, Meryl Streep & Pierce Brosnan, Ben & Jerry vs Haagen Dazs..........

We had a good time. Women make the best friends.