Self Reflection

My church has recently started a thrust towards encouraging discipleship among its members. This vision has struck at answering chord within my heart as I have been longing for a discipling relationship with someone who could guide me spiritually.

From my pre-believing days right through the past 17 years it has been Wai Yin who has been my guide-post in all matters spiritual (and otherwise) but much as I would wish to, we have not been able to see each other on a regular basis. So it has been that we meet up when there is a crisis (always mine of course).

Since last month, I have been meeting one of my church elders, Laura, once a fortnight. This started as a follow up to the cell leaders training that I attended last year. I guess it is a way for the church to make sure they are not letting loose a wolf among the sheep :) Yeah so we have been meeting for a couple of hours on Sat afternoons and it has been quite cathartic for me :) I haven't been able to be as open as I am with Wai Yin but of course there is a lot of history there that I'm sure can't be repeated. Nevertheless, I have since realised how important it is to have a spiritual guide, someone who has walked the path ahead of you, who has been matured by her struggle and who can in turn help you cope with your own.

As part of this plan to get the congregation into discipling relationships, the leadership also distributed a table of sorts for us to gauge where the members of our cell were in their walk with God - new Christians, growing or mature. Looking at this table, it occurred to me that it really isn't easy to say. I suppose by the fact that I am training to be a Asst Cell Leader, one would say I have been classified as a 'mature' Christian - ready to help others walk with God. But in reality, I would say I was still 'growing'.

Just 1 incident this past week has made me very aware of how I fall short. Last week, the usual round of annual promotions came round and I subsequently sent an email message congratulating those on the list whom I usually talked to. But I omitted one name. Because I just could not bring myself to say to this person that I was happy for her promotion. So I thought I must be honest to myself, and not be a hypocrite, saying something that I did not mean.

But immediately after, 2 colleagues came up to me to say they had noticed that I had not included this person's name in the email. Al 3 of us had had bad times with this person and the 2 who came to speak to me were not condemning me but commiserating with me because they saw in my email, a reflection of their own feelings for her.

And in that moment, I stood condemned. I saw at once how I had failed God. I had in my human-ness, passed up a chance to forgive her, to see her through Christ's eyes, to treat her differently than as the world would have treated her. I had been petty and I had not had the grace to rejoice with her and God saw that. And in sending those 2 colleagues to me, He showed me where I had failed - because it was not a case of "being human" as one of my colleagues said. It was a case of passing up the chance to have made a better choice.

Easter Weekend

I have had an eventful Easter weekend. Started with Maundy Thursday service in church - it was surely by grace alone that I did not fall asleep during the service because I was really tired and the speaker was ummmm... erudite. But Maunday Thursday service is always a poignant one and always makes me sad and I can't wait for the celebratory Easter service. Then there was Good Friday service on Friday morning and a major personal achievement this year was that I made it to the 7am Easter service this year! Applause applause! Been wanting to do that for so many years and I'm really glad I managed it this year much as the bed beckoned. And I must say it was wonderful to experience the promise of a new beginning right at the beginning of a new day rather than in the middle of the morning as I usually do. By grace of God, I will make it to dawn Easter service next year too!

And on Saturday, I went to the perfect wedding. I kid you not. You know how I have this thing about weddings. And as weddings go, I really must say this one was beautiful. Rachel, if you are reading this, may I just say to you, I pray that your marriage will be in every way as beautiful as your wedding was. The venue was the Barker Road Methodist Church and it was just the right size and the wedding decor was tasteful, the number of guests was just right for us all to take photos with the couple, the wdding invites and programmes were handmade, the photos were beautiful and captured the mood of the couple lovingly, the reception was lavish (great desserts and even ice-cream!), the music was appropriate... and when the couple finished their vows and walked out the door, the church bells pealed! Wow! I've never heard that before! But I'll tell you the best part for me - was the look on the groom's face as the bride walked in. In all the weddings I have attended, I have never seen a man look like that. He looked as if he was going to cry with happiness! As if this was the woman he had been waiting for all his life. Wow. I swear. I have never seen a man look like that except in the movies. And I knew for sure that my friend has got herself a gem when he started to sing for her and couldn't continue and broke down. Then the composure and dignity with which he collected himself... Rachel, my dear, for all your waiting and all your past hurts, God has surely blessed you with one waiting for.

So, here I am, on Sunday night, the long-awaited weekend over. I have bible study class for the next 2 nights and I haven't finished my homework so I should go and finish that now. As a good example to my children.

But I have been reading Ephesians (with the famous "Wives, submit to your husbands, as to the Lord" passage and my favourite "Children, obey your parents in the Lord for this is right" passage) and I have a sense that there has been a message for me this weekend from all the experiences and readings and sermons but I haven't been able to find a pattern. There is a vague sense of disquiet as if there is a Maths problem that I need to figure out, as if I have missed a clue that will reveal a direction or way to solve something. But I don't know what it is - I can't identify the problem and I don't know what it is that I need to solve. I think I just need to wait and let the pieces fall into place.

Hey, Where Is Your Update?

I have updated this blog at least 10 times. In my mind :) The hard part has been finding the time to sit down and write all the things I want to talk about!

This new year, many things have happened. Many changes, developments, some sadness, some worry. But I have missed the chance to write about developments as they happened largely because when you are in the middle ofthings you can't really sit in a corner and write about it (except if you were a CNN reporter I guess).

So here in a nutshell are the things that have happened since my last update on 1 Jan 08 (well, at least what I remember):

• We have sent my second daughter Rubhinni to Trinity College, Melbourne to do a Foundation Studies course. I went with her on 7 Feb to help her settle in and was really blessed by the friendship, kindness and thoughtfulness of my friends and relatives there - Neena, Bee Leng and Ling Kuei. Thanks for the innumerable lifts, for all the walking around and for taking us places, and for opening your homes to us! Not to forget the sheer kindness of strangers - the Thai lady on a tram, the Indian student who walked with us to show us a place we were looking for, the Lebanese (?) guy on the plane who gave up his window seat so we could sit more comfortably. It was a blessed trip and more of it later.
• My niece Maya has upped and left :( so there is no more trips for coffee and cake, no more ice cream in my fridge, no more Rohan playing baby cheeta. Also no more home cooked food as Yati has gone with her :) But I guess I just miss having Maya around.
• I have let out Rubhi's room to Johnson from my church. He is a full time church worker with Campus Crusade and he moved in 2 days ago.
• In terms of work, I have had some good experiences - like doing teacher recruitment at The Fashion Bar in Clarke Quay (great fun!) and some bad experiences (like the ill-conceived workshops that I'm in the middle of now).
• I have met with old long lost friends - TWICE with the same group of friends within a week after decades of not seeing each other! Hahaha. Sadly I could n't spend long enough time with them but it was nice to slip into a conversation with the same ease we had 20 years ago. Well, except with one who shall remain unnamed - go figure!
• I have also entered a new phase in my walk with God. Started bible study classes (which I am not enjoying much at the moment because the method being used is quite tedious, but I will stick it out and see if I change my mind). Also have started a personal discipling relationship with one of the cell pastors in my church and that has been really good as the sessions have helped me to identify areas in my life where I need to grow spiritually.
• Most of all, I am having to cope with living with my husband alone again :) I miss my 2 girls a great deal. I worry about Rubhinni more, because she is not in a student community like Jen is in and I wish she too would be led to a church community which will give her the support she needs and encourages her to grow. But generally, there is a sense of emptiness - and yes, the empty nest syndrome is real! But it is a real blessing that God has shown me so many things I can get involved in now.
• I am also learning to adjust to a new area of parenting - being more of a friend and less of the parent to Jen as she starts on a new phase of her life as well. Messed up a bit I think at the beginning, but I think I won't mess up too much :)

Well, that's it for a quick update. I am really amused, touched and encouraged that so many of you actually read my blog and have asked me what has happened to it!!! I feel like a celebrity :) But most of all, I am just touched that you care what happens to me.