At a Hard Place

"How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child."

These words resonated with me when I did King Lear in my pre-university days, thinking of how hurt my father had been by my brother. The words came to my mind again this weekend after I visited my eldest sister in KL.

It is sad to be old and alone. Loneliness is hard to bear no matter what the age. But in old age it is harder, for added to the pain of loneliness, is a sharp sense of failure. A realisation that we have come to almost the end of our days and we have lived the best part of our lives, yet we have little left to show fo it. To be bereft of loving relationships in the winter of our lives becomes harder to bear because there is little left to hope for.

I am at a hard place. I want to care for my sister in her old age but I struggle with the sacrifices my family and I would have to make - giving up a room and privacy; the financial burden of carrying another dependent; coping with the stress of paper work needed to bring her here, hire a maid. Questions arise in my mind - how will this affect my family? what will I do when she needs medical care? what if she rubs my husband up the wrong way? am I ready to take this on for what could well be the next 10 years?

Then I remember that when I baulk at sacrifice, I dishonour my God who sacrificed His Son for me. When I wonder will I be able to afford it, I am questioning if my Jehoveh Jireh will provide for me. When I ask will my children and I handle the stress, I am asking if we, His children, have enough love.

It is a hard place. But I am reminded - "Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." (James 4:17). My heart is heavy.

Somthing to Think About

"Nations, like individuals, languish when they only have uncritical lovers or unloving critics. "

"One paradox of the human condition is that the most logical point at which to undertake painful reform is in good times. The pain will be less then. But virtually no society, and especially no democratic society, can administer significant pain in good times. It takes a crisis to make change possible. Hence, there is a lot of wisdom in the principle, “never waste a ­crisis.”
- Kishore Mahbubani, Dean,LKY School of Public Policy, NUS.

Prof Mahbubani is a thinker I respect. This afternoon I will be attending a talk by him at my office and I am really looking forward to it. He is an old school gentleman and sometimes I wonder what would happen to Singapore when his generation of fearless speakers passes on.

Here are two articles Prof Mahbubani wrote that we have been asked to read as a preamble to his talk:

"Can America Fail?"

"Can Singapore Fail?"

To Love

On Wednesday at CYAN we had an interesting speaker - Rev Matthew Lo. He spoke on 1 Cor 13, the passage which is oft quoted during weddings...

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." (1 Cor 13: 4 - 8)

It is a verse I have hanging in my kitchen as well and like something you see every day and do not notice, I have not paid attention to these words in a long while.

Wednesday's sermon touched me because the message seemed to be a simple one, but when it was unpacked, I realised how difficult it was to act on. Rev Lo pointed out that although this verse is often used in weddings, Paul was not writing this letter to a couple about to get married. Instead, Paul wrote this letter to the church in Corinth which was disunited, envious, quarrelsome and sexually licentious. As the speaker pointed out, the world had got into the church. And Paul was offering love as the only antidote that could pull the church back to what it should be.

I was struck by Rev Lo's question - can you show love in a love-less world? Can you love someone who hurts you again and again, wrongs you again and again, remembers nothing you have done for him and offers you nothing in return? If it was Christ's love we are talking about, the answer has to be yes. Because love keeps NO record of wrongs. Love ALWAYS trusts, ALWAYS hopes, ALWAYS perseveres. But as Jesus says, it is easier to love someone who loves us. But He calls us to show a different kind of love. To love in a love-less world? It is hard.

Not-So-Simple Rule #5: The Fruit Doesn't Fall Far from the Tree

Right, I have been turning this rule over and over in mind for a while now because it would be irresponsible of me to over-simplify this issue, yet if I were to talk about it to the extent it needs, it will be a very long blog entry.... So I have attempted some sort of a happy medium in-between. Let's see how it goes...

Rule #5: The fruit does not fall far from the tree. Who your date is is not going to be very different from who his parents are or who his family raised him to be. This was the thought that started me off in the first place, creating all these 'Rules' on dating... It is a rule that I admit I myself did not pay any attention to when I started dating and I can honestly say, now, that I wish I had.

When previous generations of parents arranged the marriages of their children, the family of origin was the most important factor they considered. Unfortunately, in the modern dating context, this item is not something couples get to till they are quite far down the dating journey and often, they don't get to it right till they are married. But in arranged marriages, if you remember my earlier post, this is the starting point and often the end point too. Both situations are not ideal. Looking at the family of origin of your date should not be the sole determinant of your decision to date or not, nor should it be ignored.

In the modern dating scene, introducing your date to one's parents is seen as a big sign of commitment, so many couples shy away from it. But I would advise you, my daughters, to spend time getting to know not only his family, but also your own - precisely because the fruit does not fall far from the tree.

What do I mean by that, you ask? Simply this - the person you date and you yourself, are shaped by your respective families of origin. Whoever your date is, he is shaped and nurtured by the dynamics of his family of origin. And unless he has recognised this and taken active steps to counter any negative influences there might be, he will bring all of this baggage into the relationship. As will you. Although during the dating stage you might think that the relationship is only about the two of you, it is not. Inside and behind each of you, there are the many patterns of behaviour, attitudes and values that have been layered in each of your lives by the families you were born into and raised in.

Some people spend their lives trying to live in the opposite way to their family of origin. Some people live out exactly the same dynamics of their family of origin. Whether you live by its influence or actively try to counter its influence, the fact remains that your family of origin is right there in the middle of your relationship.

It is important, my daughters, for you to spend time getting to know your date's family because if you keep your eyes and ears open, you will learn many things that will help you decide whether or not you should develop this relationship. His family of origin WILL affect your relationship with him, just as your family of origin will affect it as well. Make no mistake about this.

In what ways?

1. Communication Patterns

Observe how his family communicates. Does the family have conversations? Do they really talk to each other? about issues not just events of the day? Mundane conversations about what happened during the day has its place of course, but if that is all the family talks about - events, other people's lives, commonplace ideas - then there might be a serious issue of avoidance that needs to be addressed.

Observe also how his family deals with conflict. Do the parents have yelling matches? Or does either his mother or father retreat in silence when there is conflict? Does his family deal with conflict or does it pretend there is none? Do family members express their unhappiness to each other or do the parents preserve a veneer of politeness? Does any one of the parents play hard at 'happy families'? Do members in the family feel it is safe to disagree? Do they disagree without disengaging from each other - ie is disagreement allowed without the disagreeing member being made to feel he is being disloyal or disobedient?

The communication pattern in your respective families of origin is important as well - because all couples will have conflict. In fact if you and your boyfriend do not quarrel then that is a HUGE danger sign that you are not talking about issues honestly. And my daughters, in times of conflict, when the cards are down and you see red, the pattern you will fall into is the pattern you grew up with. The communication patterns of your family of origin will be carried over into your relationship. And you need to recognise this and address it right from the start.

2. Values

This is another important area that you need to pay attention to, my daughters. How does his family of origin view dating and sex?How do they view marriage? divorce? How are the women in his family treated? How is money treated? What values are associated with money, thrift, debts etc? What standards of integrity do the parents hold their children to? And an important one - What about forgiveness? Was it offered readily after mistakes? Was it withheld and offered only after much penitence was shown? Were mistakes brushed aside without penalty? These questions matter because they all have implications for issues that will arise in long term relationships. Different values towards money - for example between one partner who comes from a family where thriftiness was valued and another where money was used as a proxy to love - can result in deep unhapiness over spending and saving.

3. Role Models

Observe who the role models for your date are within his family. Is there a male figure he looks up to and wants to emulate? This is important, my daughters, because no matter how your date acts when he is courting you, you must keep at the back of your mind the truth that in moments of stress (and there will be many), this male role model is what your date will morph into. As will you - you too, are likely to morph into the female role model that you have grown up with, in moments of stress. If he has no male role model, or an ineffective male role model, that will create a truckload of problems that I pray will not get dumped on you! If there is a male role model in the family, watch to see how your date interacts with him. What does this male role model do? work as? how does he communicate with women? how does he communicate with your date? Does he affirm him? Watch, listen, observe, because this is a crucial piece of the jigsaw. If a man cannot get his father's affirmation, my dears, he carries it with him for life and will spend a good part of his life searching for it in all the wrong places.

4. Position in Family

This one is difficult and I don't even know if I can explain it correctly. It is a concept called "homeostatis" - the role one plays in the family of origin to keep the family system in 'balance'. In a sense each person has a "function" in the system, a role each one plays in keeping the system in "balance". So family members each play a role - eg the provider, the scapegoat, clown, confidante, the 'parent' child... These roles create a form of co-dependency and each one of us plays this part to keep the family moving along.

Homeostasis also explains something about dating and marriage in general. It explains the common idea why people are attracted to people with whom they (subconsciously perhaps) believe they can recreate homeostasis (order). In other words "falling in love" is often a matter of finding someone with whom we can "work out" family of origin issues.

We tend either to choose someone who is like or radically un-like our family of origin as a marriage partner. What we attempt to do with the partner is to recreate the role we played in our family of origin. So men who are close to their mothers, for eg, might sub-consciously be looking for a mother figure who would treat them in the same way. Or we might look for something that was missing from our family of origin and try to re-create it through the person we are dating.

The problem with this is that your date is neither your parent nor a sibling and he has no idea what the role you are choosing him to play is, because in turn he is choosing the role you are to play in his life! So I might be subconsciously looking for a strong male figure unlike my father or conversely, to re-create the relationship I had with my father. But if the strong male figure I think I have found is in effect looking for a mother figure to nurture him and protect him, then obviously I am set up for disaster, right? Story of my life :)

This brings us right back to where we started - Rule #1. A successful relationship can be forged only between 2 mature, well-defined people - be a dog, date a dog. You need to be able to "leave" your family of origin and the role you played in it and find another person who is able to make the same mature decision. And we will be free and mature only to the extent we are conscious of who we were/are in our family of origin. Remember, the fruit does not fall far from the tree :) And maybe God had something really important to say when He said "a man will leave his father and his mother and be united to his wife and they shall be one flesh" :) Hahaha - don't tell Pastor Rennis I said this ok?

5. Coping mechanisms

This has become a long blog entry as I feared so I am going to talk about just one more... Ask your date - what is his coping mechanism in times of stress? This is a crucial conversation to have and it is strongly linked to the family of origin. Parents who model unhealthy coping mechanisms will pass these on to their children and this will have a big impact on your courtship, and more importantly, on your marriage. We women are blessed by our ability to cry and talk. We truly are. When we feel sad or lonely or bored or stressed, we find consolation in tears, chocolate and friends. We rant and rave and complain and shop and just let the whole world know that we are not happy. The first lesson boys learn, however, is sadly, that "boys don't cry". I really wonder which idiot came up with that parenting tip. The Bible says "Jesus wept"! And there is no macho man on earth who can stand up in comparison to Him! Yet many parents keep telling their sons, not to cry. So what do these boys do? Ask! Because their coping mechanism can cause you many many problems if you don't ask and talk about it. This is the starting point of many unhealthy obsessions. Research has shown for example, that many men who watched porn to relieve stress had fathers who had the same coping mechanism. This is something you may not be able to gauge just by observing, but it is a question you must ask.

So, there you have it. Rule #5. I hope this has not been a depressing read for you, my daughters. It is the most sobering of my 8 Not-So-Simple-Rules and I don't think I have done it justice here. But do not take the issue of your families too lightly. The shadow of your families will always be there and time you spend trying to understand each others' families will be well worth it. As I said before, it is not just his family, but your own too that you need to be aware of.

But when all is said and done, please remember that Jesus Christ is the Author and Finisher of our faith. His love redeems and transforms and there is nothing He cannot change and re-create. All the ghosts of the past, every generational mistake can be wiped out by our God who delights in new beginnings. So in all things, do not despair. The fruit does not fall far from the tree, but we have a living God who catches the fruit when it falls and makes it grow again on a new tree of life! Amen!