My China Trip

I never thought I would do this, but I am going to China with my sisters. I don't know which is more bizarre - that I am going to China or that I'm travelling with my sisters :)

Well, my sisters have travelled together before and I must admit that they have travelled to more places than me. This is the first time, however, that I will be travelling with 3 of my sisters. Usually, Mena takes the lead in cases like this, but this time the job of organising the trip has become mine. I feel quite anxious at times because the responsibility of ensuring that the 6 of us have a good time seems quite huge. The group includes Su's friend Renee and Indra's friend as well, so there will be 6 of us setting off to see the Great Wall in Oct.

I have been hounding a few travel agents and have come up with the following itinerary, but nothing is confirmed yet so you will have to wait for more details. As it stands we will probably be leaving on 18 Oct.

Proposed Itinerary

• Day 1 - Shanghai. Arrive & transfer hotel
• Day 2 - Tour Shanghai - Bund etc
• Day 3 - Flight from Shanghai to Tunxi. Stay over downtown.
• Day 4 - Mt Huangshan. Take cable car up the scenic mountain and spend the night up there.
• Day 5 - Back to Tunxi then on to Shanghai. Flight from Shanghai to Chongqin & board ship for cruise down the Yangtze.
• Day 6 to 8 - On board the Yangtze Cruise
• Day 9 - Yangtze cruise arrives at Yinchang. Visit famous Gezhou Dam. Fly to Xian.
• Day 10 - Tour Xian - Terra Cotta Warriors Museum, City Wall, Big Pagoda etc
• Day 11- Flight from Xian to to Beijing. Transfer to hotel. Visit Tianamen Square, Forbidden City, Summer palace
• Day 12 - Visit the Great Wall and Ming tombs.
• Day 13 - Transfer to airport for flight home.

That is the plan so far. Now it is a matter of seeing what extras can be thrown in. It's quite fun to see the trip taking shape :)

Do you want to get well?

God first posed that question to me in 1995. The church I was attending then, MCI, had invited Sadhu Sundar from Jesus Ministries to preach and he spoke on John 5:1-15 (Jesus heals the Man at Bethseda Pool). Recently, SJSM has been doing the Book of John again and this passage was one of those picked for discussion in my cell group. It has been many years later, but again I felt God asking me the same question - "Do you want to get well?"

When I first read the passage in John, my reaction was - what a strange question! Surely Jesus knew the man wanted to be healed? He had been lying beside the pool at Bethseda for 38 years, surely for no other reason but the desire to get well! In fact, my initial reaction was one of admiration for this man who had waited so patiently for God to come and heal him.

But when Sadhu Sundar spoke I realised that there was an important point to Christ's question - Do you want to get well? Jesus knew He could heal the crippled man, but He also wanted the man and His disciples to understand that beyond the physical healing, there is an emotional and spiritual healing that needs to take place. While we pray asking God to deliver us from some situation or other, many times we are not ready to face the real cripple inside us.

Many of us pray for something over and over again and think that it is not God's will when something we pray for does not materialise. Yes, some things we desire are not according to God's will. But when God does speak, like the unerring Physician He is, He puts His finger right on the spot. Do you want to get well? Do you want to invite God into the situation or are you happier licking your wounds? Do you want to get well or are you actually happier being a suffering victim and enjoying the sympathy of others?

Do you want to get well? It is a searching question and if we want to grow as God intends us, we need to press in and look for the answer. Do I want to do something about the situation or am I in a way really not doing anything about it because it gives me something to gripe about, to feel sorry for myself, to complain about, to blame my bad mood on?

Do I want to get well? Because like the crippled man at Bethseda, when God sets me free from the trapped situation I am in, I will no longer be able to whine "Sir, I have no one to help me into the pool". I will no longer be able to blame someone else for my situation and say "While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me." I will no longer receive sympathy and no one will say what a brave Christian I am. So maybe, there is a part of me that is not really asking God to heal me, because I am secretly enjoying my crippled state?

Then, when I am healed, there is another difficulty - Jesus will say "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk!" What will that mean to me? After years of lying there feeling sorry for himself, the crippled man had to act. He had to demonstrate that he was healed. That means - no more excuses! No more postponing of what God has called me to do. No more telling God, "I will do this after..." or I will do this when I am ...". I will have to give God the glory and share His power and love with others. I will have to pick up my mat, the symbol of my crippled state, my pain and shame and walk that all may see God's work in me. Am I ready for that public gaze into my life?

Do you want to get well? The question has made me re-think about all my prayers & requests. To dig deep and ask God to search me and show me my thoughts and prayers for what they really are.

Jaya & Me

I managed to borrow a camera cable from my friend so now I can post my photos again. These are pics of Jaya and me at Giri's wedding.

The Wicked Witch Writes

I have just finished attending a 3-day conference and renewed a personal vow I made 5 years ago that I will not attend this particular conference again. I had gone this year thinking that maybe things would have gotten better, but have come away disappointed that there was still very little that was new. To be fair, there were a couple of good speakers, but the ho-hum outnumbered the wows.

Anyway, I had a good time with my friends who were at the conference too and for their company I am very grateful.We got into a conversation in the cab while going to Serangoon for lunch yesterday that reminded me of Jennani's famous pronouncement when she was 5 years old that reduced me to tears - that she was the princess, her father was the prince and I was the wicked witch :)

The topic of the conversation was my friends' urging that I should learn to drive. Fair enough, but then Saro said that if I knew how to drive, I could buy a car and my daughters could use it too. This was when the red light started flashing for me. And Dot added that yes, if I didn't want to buy the car for myself, I could give my daughters an interest-free loan to help them buy a car and I could drive it too. And that set me off. I was very adamant that I was not going to buy a car just so that my daughters could drive it and if my daughters wanted a car, they could jolly well buy it when they could afford it. Saro then made the fateful declaration that I, unlike her who was kind, was cruel. Ooooh... There it was again. 17 years later, and I am still a wicked witch :) Quite a number of my students would agree I am sure, but my dear daughters, lest you are also harbouring secret thoughts of how cruel I am, let me explain.

Thinking back, I admit there must have been a number of occasions when I must have seemed cruel. The one that comes to mind immediately, Jen sweetie, is the Battle of the Handphone. It was something you and your sister wanted desperately and you only got it - when? after your 'O' levels? More recently, Rubhi met Wicked Witch when I asked her to pay for half the cost of her handphone which was lost.

To tell you the absolute truth, I feel really bad doing this stuff to you. Especially asking you to bring your savings along Rubs. I felt really cruel. But my darling daughters whom I love very very much, I dearly hope I have achieved what I set out to teach - that (1) when you get something too easily, you will value neither the gift nor the giver. Waiting for something you want badly and working towards it builds character and makes you cherish what you get. More importantly - (2) every action you take in life will have a consequence and if I keep protecting you from consequences, you will never learn responsibility. And (3) your desires must match your means. Buy something when you have saved for it and can afford it. If you have to borrow to own it, you have not earned it.

Like Hamlet, I too must be cruel only to be kind... I hope I have not hurt you my darlings. And I hope you will be just as cruel with my grandchildren... :)

It Rained on My Parade

Oh I am going to wail... I was so looking forward to getting my promotion cert from my fave minister, but I didn't. Sob :(

I told everyone who asked me what the occasion was today (because I wore a sari to work) that it was for "my 5 seconds with Tharman", but oh disappointment of disappointments, I got my cert from MOS. I would have consoled myself that Minister was only going to give the certs to the higher ranks - you know, the SEO1A2s and all the Superscale officers - but Minister was invited to give out the certs halfway through the SEO1A1s! There was the discernible sound of a groan from our rows when we SEO1A1s realised that we had just missed out because of the infernal alphabet system. So funny! A consolation for me that I wasn't the only sad fan.

Other than that, I had a good time. Exercised GREAT restraint in staying away from the food - except for 2 teeny weeny cakes... Met quite a number of friends from the schools. Oh the biggest surprise was Wai Yin who didn't tell me she was promoted too! She breathes more rarified air now btw, because she has made it into the super scale league ;) I didn't stay long at the reception though, as I had developed a massive headache + more importantly, my ride home was leaving.

Sigh... I should have stayed in MI - I would have gotten my cert from Minister then. Foiled by the alphabet! :)

The distinguished looking lady in grey is my Big Boss, the Director and the lady in black & white is Carol, my much loved ex-boss. The others are all my colleagues - Cedric in green, Michael in red stripes, Vasundhra is the other one in a sari - she is D's cousin actually. The pretty tall lady is Lucy - the one who offered to let you have her flat & car, Maya. Hope you meet her when she is in London.

Nostalgia in Malacca

Yesterday, Durai , Saro and I drove up to Malacca to attend my cousin Rajamani's 60th birthday celebrations. Of course, the Hindu custom is to do this by conducting what essentially is a second marriage - a renewal of wedding vows. I found it really funny when I said 'Happy Birthday' to Raja and he said, "Oh! Yes! That's what this is, isn't it?" :) Anyway, we left at 7am and we were back by 5.00pm. Quite a slow drive back because we got caught in a really heavy storm.

My 2 sisters left in KL - Rajam & Lalitha - had also come and had esconced themselves in the front row to which they escorted Saro as well so there I had to sit too. Very matronly.Then of course came the array of old people who all had to be told who I was. Most unflatteringly, one old lady thought I was Mena. But I put it down to the fact that once you hit 80, everyone younger looks the same to you whether they are 40, 50, 60 or 70. Hmph!

Well, it was the first Brahmin function I had been to in a long, long time and I had fun noting all the changes that had taken place in the past 30 years: (i) The guys who were the teenagers and young men when I was a kid have now become the stalwarts and pillars of the Brahmin community. (ii) There was a distinct presence of non-Brahmins in the form of daughters-in-law and sons-in-law in what had essentially been a homogeneous group. So much so that D didn't stick out like a sore thumb :) (iii) The 10-cent coins distributed after the function that I used to wait for so desperately have now been upsized to 50-cent coins & the kids didn't seem so eager to get hold of them as we had been.

But some things hadn't changed (i) there was 'theratipaal'- my favourite next to chocolate and no one makes it like I have eaten at the Samajam (ii) the iyer!! My word, he must be more than 80! (iii) the potato curry! So yes, Jen, this WAS all about going there to eat. Ha ha :)

What I was still sad about though, is that again I didn't get a chance to talk to Jaya. But coming back I was thinking in the car about it and rationally of course, I feel that if I had wanted to talk, then I should have made time to meet - not at the 2 functions but at her home; or I should have called.Emotionally, however, I realise also that 36 years is a long time. I left PJ in 1971, when I was 14. Our contact since then has been sporadic at best. I don't even remember when she got married and of course she settled in the US after that, so the distance grew even wider. These were the days before the email and letter writing has never been my strength so I guess it was inevitable that we have missed out on huge chunks of each other's lives. I rather hope we will be able to catch up somewhat through email, God willing.

I forgot to take my camera along so no pictures to post, but Rajamani's house was beautiful and they had hired a Wall's ice cream box so there was free flow of ice cream (yes, Jen, more food). Lalitha managed the miracle of marshalling everyone into a group photograph and I hope Giri sends it to me. If he does then you can see the Hariharan clan together with the Rengan clan.

It was a good trip. D was really exhausted when we got back and I'm grateful he drove us up. But I am glad we went. What touched me was that Rajamani's children had remembered to invite all of us to the function. And it was wonderful to hear how fondly people remembered my parents. Every old lady or man who spoke to me said what a 'nalla manushan' my father had been and my mother's crony (singular - because only one is left of her circle of 4) teared when she spoke of my mother. It was a journey of some sort down memory lane - both for them and me.

Making memories

I went to look at my other blog - that sad one started in the first flush of blogging and not updated in 2 years and decided to just delete it and keep all my thoughts on 1 blog. I think I just started it because I wanted to categorise my thoughts by subjects - like the control freak I am - and when I realised that the format of the blog does not allow me to do it, just decided to start another blog. But I have come to realise (a) that I don't have the time or inclination to write in 2 blogs (b) I don't have that much to say on bringing up children anyway. So I think one blog will suffice :)

So went to look at the entries there and decided that the entry on making memories was something I still believe in and want to say so I've kept that and just said sayanora to the other blog...

I think the importance of making memories influenced me as a mother more than any other thing. It was something I read - can't remember where, but I realised that I wanted my children to look back on their childhood and remember pleasurable things not painful ones.

I wanted them - when they are both 40-year olds with their own children - to talk with fondness about "remember when we...". I wanted them to tell their children, "when we were children, we had fun when ....". I didn't want my children to remember painful memories or harsh words or punishments or denials. I wanted my children to carry through their lives a feeling of being safe, being loved no-matter-what and of having mattered in their family.

I don't know if I have succeeded - it is still too early to say. I will only know if I have done right by my children when I hear what my grand-children have to say :)

So I have tried to make memories... I have tried to choose my battles, I have tried not to hurt with words, I have tried to celebrate whenever we can or should. Many times I have lost the battle between the mother I want to be and the woman that I am. But children are loving and far more forgiving than we adults are capable of being and every time I have apologized (and even when I have not) my children have accepted, forgiven and moved on. And I think they will have good memories ....

Work Stuff

As most of you would know already by now, I have been appointed as Senior Specialist. I have mixed feelings about it. Mostly, I feel trepidation. Some elation, I must admit, because, hey it has been 9 years since I last had a promotion. But I have been ok with that because I am at peace with the career choices I have made. I knew saying no at the VP interview would mean being forgotten for a number of years. But I am happy about my choices. Because I know I would have been a lousy VP and would have probably made all my teachers super-unhappy as a result of all my inadequacies :)

Now, I am still unsure about what my present appointment would mean for me. It is not a job I am unhappy doing, I don't feel it is a job I cannot handle. But it is a job that I don't think gives me soul satisfaction. I am glad that I was open with my bosses - I did say that I wanted to go back to teaching at the end of the day. Especially after my Laos trip, I have come to recognise that what makes me truly happy is teaching young people. My motivation is that 'aha' moment - when suddenly things fall into place for the kids. The look in their eyes when they understand something they have been grappling with. That's what give me a high.

I did a school visit last week and I wished it wasn't just the teachers I was talking to. But now that I have been appointed, I must focus on the job at hand - that is only fair and right. And as I said before, it is not a job I dislike. I like doing research, I like conducting workshops (oh, this I like very much), I like thinking & I like the people I work with. But I love being in school.

So, I asked God - what now God? What is your plan for me? Am I not going back to teach? But my dear, wise Wai Yin sms-ed me :"His plans are good and to give you a future and a hope." And that was what I needed to hear. Of course! Here I am trying to make my own plans again! As usual! Every time it comes to making a decision, it's me, me, me again. It is yet another time for me to trust God. To accept that nothing happens on a single day in my life that He has not ordained. It is an easy thing to say to others, but a difficult thing for me to follow :)

Still on Weddings...

I’ve got weddings on my mind. For some reason, I am really happy when I get invited for weddings. These last few months I’ve been to the weddings of 3 ex-students (Watee, Simon & Judith), 2 children of old friends (Farasha & Zubir) and 2 children of relatives (Neethu’s daughter, Nalini, and Giri). My classmates in my TESOL class think I have a frenzied social life because since I started the class with them in Oct, I have missed 5 classes because of weddings. One very pragmatic classmate commiserated with me for getting so many wedding invites because “aiyoh so much angpow you have to give” :)

But getting invited to weddings especially that of ex-students, makes me really happy because these are people I would have known when they were 18 or 19, and to be remembered when they are drawing up their wedding guest list when they are in their 20s or 30s means they must have a teeny weeny fond memory of me. I guess it’s tied up with this nagging question that haunts me more and more these days – did my life count? Did I make at least some people’s lives better? Being invited to attend my students’ wedding is therefore something that gladdens me because (as I said before), I think a wedding really is the happiest human experience, and to be wanted as a guest at this joyous time touches me.

Then comes the invitation to weddings of the children of old friends. This falls into a different category altogether. These invitations bring happiness because it is a sign of a rite of passage that has been reached in our lives. Usually I just feel awed – that the child I knew has grown and matured and is starting a life of his own. And it is a wonderful time to catch up with friends and to talk about old times. So I had a great time at Farasha’s and Zubir’s weddings – laughing over how we first found out that Lati (now the mother of the groom) was dating because 3 of us who had gone to watch a Tamil movie after class happened to sit just behind Lati and Osman in the theatre. Oh gosh – ages ago – and the movie was ‘Annakilli’! And Zubir’s birth was a big event for us because Lati was the first among the gang at NIE to have a baby!

The weddings of close relatives is fun in a different sort of way. This is of course not the same as being invited by relatives just because your name is on an obligatory list. But the weddings of relatives you love and whose weddings you just can’t imagine not being a part of. But I think back now and you know what, I only attended the weddings of 2 of my nieces and nephews - Maya’s and Balan’s. Amazing – 14 nieces and nephews have gotten married and I only made it to 2. You would have thought I would have attended more! But I guess it is because the weddings have largely been in India (except Vijay’s in Taiwan) and not during school holidays, so there it is! The weddings I don’t like to attend are the obligatory ones but I must say that I seem to have dropped off the list of those. Maybe I didn’t make my presence felt socially :) but whatever the reason, I am glad I haven’t had to attend one of these in a long, long time.

But coming back to Pastor Rennis’ sermon – talking of the wedding as the happiest human experience Rennis said, no wonder then that God chose a wedding as a metaphor to describe the relationship between Him and us – of Christ as the Heavenly Bridegroom and the Church as His Bride. And you know what, I dearly, dearly hope, when I go home, and I look at the face of the Bridegroom, He will be beaming.

Weddings & Friends

In one of his sermons, Pastor Rennis once asked us what we thought was the happiest human experience and I thought to myself – a wedding! And that was exactly what Rennis said too. Then he described the picture that comes to his mind when he thinks of a wedding – the noise, the laughter, children running around, old friends and relatives meeting, the sense of anticipation in the air and yes, these are the happy feelings weddings create in me too. There seems to be a sense of “happily ever after” hanging in the air that is quite infectious and exhilarating.

The last wedding I enjoyed really was Maya’s and I must say I had great fun. Just got back from another wedding in KL but this one was much too large for me to enjoy. There seems to be an art to getting it just right – too many people invited and you just get lost and your presence at the wedding is not very meaningful for you are just one of many faces passing in front of the couple. Too few and there is a loss of festivity and noise and colour. Hold it in a big hall and the couple is so far away that no one really knows what is going on. Hold it in a temple and no one can see anything because everyone is sitting on the floor with the couple. But a wedding with just the right number of guests means people can catch up with each other, congratulate and tease the couple and the post-wedding reception is a riot.

One of the things I have taken to doing at weddings recently is watching the face of the groom as the bride enters. This is strange, I know. But everyone usually turns around to look at the bride entering the church / hall / temple and that’s the point when I turn to look at the groom instead. And what I have been seeing is really interesting. Most of the grooms I have looked at, had an impassive face and frankly, I was disappointed. 2 grooms were smiling and that made me happy. Only 1 groom was beaming and looked so glad that I found myself smiling too. I wonder what really runs through their minds….. :)

I had looked forward to this wedding in KL quite a bit because I would be meeting an old, old friend after 20 years. This is Jaya, my cousin, the only childhood friend I had I guess. The last time we met was when Jennani was a baby - in 1986 or ’87. It’s funny, but if you had told us when we were teenagers that we wouldn’t be at each other’s weddings, we would have denied it vehemently, but as things turned out, that was what happened. I really can’t remember why or how this happened. She has now settled in the US and I had missed a chance to see her at her niece’s wedding 3 years ago so I was really looking forward to meeting her again.

Sadly, it was a really brief meeting. She looks really different – a lot thinner! But there were just so many people who kept coming up to say hello to her that we had no time to chat. As I said, it was a huge wedding and there were many guests. Me living in Singapore of course does not help matters but she goes back to the US in 2 weeks and has her weekends booked up so I don’t think I will see her before she leaves. That has made me quite sad. I had spent many weekends at their home and we used to talk into the night. If at all I had ‘sleepovers’, my dears, it was only at her place.

A part of me wonders how we grew apart. I think it must have been during those years when I had not yet learnt to cherish and nourish friendships. As I think back I realise there were years when I was wrapped up in courtship or swamped by parenting and running a household and friends seem to be the first thing we sacrifice. I thank God now for friends who have been shelved for years and then got dusted again for renewal and have just fallen back into my life as if they had never left. I am sorry for those that I have left for too long and now our grooves don’t quite match. Most of all, I am glad for those friends who have been constant factors in my life, waxing and waning according to the seasons of my life and my needs – have I taken you for granted?