My Pride

I got to thinking about my daughters today and wondered when I was most proud of each of them. 

I remember being proud of J when we were all at the Changi chalet for our then-annual family holiday with the extended family. I don't know how the conversation got to the topic of mobile phones. It was a sore point with J because she wanted a mobile phone and was among the few (perhaps even the only one) in her class who did not have one. My rule was that she could have a mobile phone when she was 17, in Junior College. I can't remember why I had that rule. It was the 90s, mobile phones seemed like the newest distractions and I had decided that she could not have one. 

I remember we were sitting in a circle and she again asked for one and I became angry because she was challenging my rule in public. Her cousin actually said, "Why do you even need permission? Just go get yourself one!" And I was shocked. But my harshness was directed at J because I did not like my rule being questioned. J was embarrassed and she ran off crying. The topic of conversation turned to something else but I couldn't sit there. I felt sorry I had hurt my daughter. Yet I was also angry. Then I remembered what her cousin had said - it was true. She could have gone behind my back and bought a mobile. She could have asked her dad. If she had really wanted to, she could have gotten herself a mobile despite me. But she hadn't. She was 16 years old. Yet she had obeyed. That was the moment I remember about J. And what makes me proud of her is her innate sense of integrity. That she keeps her word. She would rather go without than cheat. 

What makes me proud of R is her tenacity. It started out as stubbornness, but she has a steel inside her that makes me wonder sometimes. I remember she was 8 years old and she had been registered for a singing competition by her Tamil teacher. It was an inter-school competition. R had no proper training and she had rehearsed a song with her dad. On the Saturday morning of the competition we sauntered into the classroom where the competition was and I was shocked by the intensity of the competition. The children there were practicing, some of them even singing ragas with their mothers. I was sure R was no match for them. One child after another began to sing and it soon became clear that the song R had picked was a very popular one. I felt really bad because the others obviously had classical song training and I just wanted to take my baby and go home. Then it was her turn and she stepped up and began to sing a song she had not rehearsed at all! I waved at her frantically thinking she had mixed up her songs but she gave a dismissive wave as if to say "I've got this" and proceeded. When she came back to us I asked her what had happened and she said that when child after child sang the song she had prepared, she had decided that she would just sing something else so that it wasn't so boring. She didn't win that competition, but I learnt something about my child that day. It would take a lot to faze her! I was so proud of that 8-year old I could cry.

My daughters are my blessings. I have made mistakes, punished them perhaps wrongly at times, taken out my anger on them. But they are gems. They are strong, trustworthy, generous and loving. If it were true that God opens a window when He closes a door, my daughters are the windows God opened for me. 

Changing Faces

This evening we finally bought the dining table. Yes, now we have a place to dump our things on when we get home and a place to leave mail to pile up unopened :) 

Just as we were leaving the shop, I picked up a pretty cushion that I thought would go well with the tangerine wall in our hall; and D said wistfully, "We should have kept the old cushions and not given them away. I could have kept them in the car and when we drive up to Malaysia the girls could use them to nap." I looked at him incredulously. Truly, I think in his mind, my daughters haven't grown up. They are still 10 and 6, curling up each in one corner of the car, or one in the lap of the other, asleep on the pillows we bring with us on our road trips while he drives. 

But our next road trip is not going to be the same. We will not even all fit into the car, and if we decide to drive up to Malaysia, we would probably have to hire a 7-seater SUV. My family has grown - older and bigger. My family has changed - we eat different food, we speak English rather than Tamil, we take turns to watch different programmes on TV, we have different rhythms to our days. 

Come July, my family sitting round the dining table will be different from my family that sat around our old one when we first moved into this apartment in 1998. I pray, in deep ways, it will still be the same.

All Work and No Play

I have been training to be a Facilitator at a course that is run by the Pastoral Counselling Ministry of my church. It's an 8-week course and I've just finished the fourth week. It is a really interesting course called 'Search for Life', originally designed by a church in Australia. It's a fantastic course and created a whole new sense of self-awareness and self-discovery in me when I attended it as a participant in 2009. This time I am attending it to be trained as a Facilitator.

Though it is my second time in the course, I realise there is still more I can learn about myself.  The last session on Family of Origin was fascinating for me. and I realise there are many aspects of my childhood that I have not explored or remembered. Thinking about my childhood specifically this time around has made me both pensive and grateful.

One thing that stood out for me is the realisation that I never played as a child. All the others in my small group had fond memories of playing with their siblings and/or cousins, they spoke nostalgically of games they played, but I had no similar memories. I only remember reading, and reading and reading. Because that was the one thing I could do on my own.

I spent a great deal of time on my own because although I was the youngest of 9 children, there was a big gap in years between my siblings and me. The sister just ahead of me was 8 years older and my eldest sister was 25 years older than me. Most of my sisters had left home - either because they were married or for their studies. And sisters in their teens and twenties had no time for a child.

Because I belonged to a small community called the Brahmins, playing with neighbours was out of the question. The other Indians were considered 'unclean' because they were of a different caste and children of other races were 'unclean' because they were meat-eaters unlike my strictly vegetarian family. And unlike the others in my discussion group, we did not live in a 'kampong' where there were common play areas for neighbourhood games. My one highlight was the monthly prayer session that my parents would go to - at  the Samajam, a  place specially built by the Brahmin community for them to have their elaborate prayer rituals far away from the masses. Here I would meet my cousin Jeya. And while the adults prayed, we  kids would talk. But there was no rowdy play. We were, after all, at a mass prayer session, and clad in our long 'pavadais', there was  little room for boisterous behaviour.

Thinking back, I feel a sense of loss that I never played. I think I just accepted such social isolation . Perhaps that's why books feel like companions. Perhaps that's why I like to be quiet and listen to people talk. Perhaps, that's why when my baby was born, I had no idea how to entertain her, except by reading. All the parenting I did was by reading as well. I read books on age-appropriate play for children and religously followed the suggestions. I read about how babies needed to be talked to, how to make mobiles, how to sing nursery rhymes. It was your father who played catch, who played ball games and taught you to ride a bike. And it was me who picked your books :)

I feel sad for that little girl who didn't play. But I marvel at my God who caught that little girl. I look back now and wonder at how I managed, at what I learnt. And looking at the two of you now, my daughters,  I feel sure God was watching over us, giving to you what I didn't know I didn't have. I learnt to play because of you :)

It Takes a Village

I read today about a book called The Council of Dads by Bruce Feiler. It is about a young dad who is diagnosed with cancer and decides to rope in 6 of his friends to be 'dads' to his daughters in his absence. The concept touched me.

I have often felt parenting is a tough job and especially hard to do alone. Yet, it is very difficult to find like-minded people who share your values, philosophy and faith whom you can trust to help you with this important job. It also takes a special breed of friends who would agree to look out for your children as well as their own. This is especially so in Singapore where many parents struggle to make time for their own children and balance the demands of career and family.

Yet, I am convinced of the wisdom of having a council of dads or a council of mums. There is an African proverb that says 'It takes a village to raise a child' and I tend to agree. Parenting is often a case of trial and error. You have never done this job before, you try to equip yourself for it by reading, talking to friends etc, but there will always be moments when you catch your breath and wonder - did I do that right? I would have liked to have had a village at these times.

I thought about the concept of a council of dads / mums for a while. But I came to the conclusion that Feiler was really very, very blessed to have 6 friends who readily accepted the responsibility he offered them and stepped up. I can only think of one - and a very, very busy one at that! It speaks first of all of the depth of his friendships. These are friendships cultivated over a long time and at a meaningful level. There must have been time and love invested in building up such friendships and I wonder whether in busy Singapore, there are men and women who value this and are able to do this. It also requires giving of oneself (on the part of the friends) and asking for help (on the part of Feiler) - both gestures of humility that I think are possible for many of us here only when the imminence of death is real.

Many times I have offered to baby-sit for young couples but I don't quite know what it is - an innate shyness, a fear of obligation, maybe a reluctance to accept a favour? - but no one has actually taken me up on the offer :) Maybe they just don't trust me :) With my family, I have tried to be involved in the lives of my nieces and nephews, and their children, but to varying degrees of success. Mostly my young grand-nephews and nieces live too far away for us to connect meaningfully. It is sad, but I also realise that only 1 of my sisters has the opportunity to see her grand-children daily as almost all of my nieces and nephews live abroad and one sister is even estranged from her sons.

So, I wonder what the future holds for me. Right now it looks like I might be doing long-distance grand-parenting too :)

Not-So-Simple Rule #8: The Mettle of a Soldier is Tested in Battle

I have neglected this list for a while now and it has been bugging me. So, here we are, my daughters, at the end of my list of Not-So-Simple rules – No. 8. And what does it mean to test the mettle of your date as a soldier? That when you choose a man to date, my daughters, you must watch how he fights with you., for it will save you many tears in the years ahead.

Last month, I read about a young actress who got married in South Africa; she cooed to the media about how she and her husband had fought only six times during their courtship. Perhaps that was a sign to her that the life ahead was going to be one of marital bliss. If I were her mother I would have been seriously worrried. Because, my daughters, if you and your date do not argue or have full blown “I’m so going to kill you” fights at all during your courtship days, be wary, for it is a sign of dishonesty or disengagement; not perfect harmony.

My daughters, all of us are fallen beings. None of us is perfect and when two complex human beings come together, it is unnatural for them to have an intense relationship without ever having conflicts. The best of friendships are the ones that survive misunderstandings, fears and tears, and, my daughters, I really do pray that the one you date is first and foremost, your best friend. Just as in deep friendships, in a dating relationship, a lack of conflict is not a healthy thing.

Each one of us is uniquely made and each one of us has a personality, a plethora of likes and dislikes, values, opinions and habits. If you analyse the different romance novels and movies, you will find a kernel of truth beneath all the fluff, and that is that many people are attracted to someone quite unlike them. It is immature to expect your date to be like you and to have the same personality as you. Yet many couples of different personalities have a successful relationship because they have learnt to celebrate their differences, to build on each other’s strength and compensate for each other’s weakness. Far from being an ideal partnership, a relationship that has no conflicts is, most likely, not an honest one.

My daughters, it is important for you to talk about issues that matter. It is important for you to be able to disagree and hold different views. It is important that the man you date respects your mind, your opinion and your dignity. It is important that he fights fair. The relationship, my daughters, must not be an issue of control or power play because if one has to win, then it can only mean that the other has to lose.

For some men, the fear of conflict is so great that they withdraw from anything that has even a vague whiff of confrontation. They will not be happy with the situation, but they will not express their real feelings and so you will never have a quarrel. To outsiders this might appear to be a perfect relationship, but danger can lurk beneath the calm surface. The soldier who is afraid of conflict has no mechanism to handle conflict and represses his feelings. Repressed or ignored feelings, my daughters, do not just disappear.

Some men see conflict as threats and feel a need to assert themselves most often through anger; they raise their voice, they intimidate, they insist on being the victors. In such a relationship, my daughters, you will find yourselves trying to keep the peace at all costs. You will be looking out for trigger points, you will accommodate his needs and you will be fearful .

Some men sulk. They mope around, waiting for you to cajole them out of their unhappiness, baby them out of their sadness and nurse their hurts and you will be the one to give in. This , my daughters, is emotional manipulation and your conflicts will not get resolved because the issues will simply tire you out.

My daughters, which type of a soldier will you date? Some soldiers avoid fights; some soldiers rush into battle and lose their heads; some soldiers retreat and nurse their hurts in silence; some soldiers will fight to win at all cost, no holds barred. And when the battle has been fought and won, my daughters, ask yourself, how is peace restored? Some soldiers are grudging and take a long time to make peace; some soldiers will want to rub their opponent’s nose in the mud and remind them of their lost battle every chance they get.

My daughters, the mettle of a soldier is seen only when you are able to see how he fights, how he wins and how he loses. The good soldier does not shy away from battles that need to be fought. But the good soldier respects the courage and strength of his opponent and gives his opponent the dignity of a fair fight. The good soldier is gracious even when he wins and the good soldier will treat the vanquished with dignity.

It is natural to think of dating and courtship will be an exhilarating time. The movies always end at the point when they kiss or when they get married.; the media has definitely created enough make-believe. But real life begins soon enough and when it does, I pray, that you will be blessed with good soldiers, my daughters.

I love you both very, very much.

Not-So-Simple-Rule #7: Ghosts of the Past Don't Stay in the Past

Remember that song by The Backstreet Boys which went

" I don't care who you are

Where you're from

What you did

As long as you love me.."

This song exasperated me soooo much! But whenever I opened my mouth to comment R used to roll her eyes. (Well she still rolls her eyes at me now, but that is another story....)

You see, my daughters, what this song suggests is that the only time that matters is NOW. Only the present matters, only how you feel about me now matters. And that as long as there is love, then nothing else matters either. This works out fine in movies and songs, but in real life, you will find, my daughters, that who he was, where he came from and what he did matters a great deal!

Every life experience we have marks us in some way. Life experiences can change a person for the better or worse, entrench attitudes and values in a person, influence the decisions he makes, create situations that would have consequences later and generally form a pattern that informs the person's present life. And it would be foolish of you to ignore the past of the man you date.

Asking questions about your date's past can be a very difficult thing to do. It makes you sound like you are prying and being judgemental. Your date might ask you if you can't accept him the way he is. All of this will make it really awkward and you might be tempted to say you would just let sleeping dogs lie and to look to the future rather than the past. Difficult as it may be, this is one conversation you need to have.

If your date had serious relationships in the past - if he was married before (God forbid!), if he had a long-term relationship of any sort - you need to know and you need to ask how and why it ended. Past relationships will tell you a great deal about the man you are thinking of dating. You need to know why and how the other relationship ended; you need to know what his ex said when the relationship ended; and you need to know what he thinks of this past relationship. You see, my daughters, real life is not a 'Friends' episode. Men and women who have married or been in a long term relationship cannot wipe out the emotional entanglements and effects of the relationship and continue to be friends as if nothing had happended. While the desire to say 'let the past be past and let's start anew' would be very strong, it is important for you to know that the same things that went wrong in the past relationships could go wrong with you.

And, my daughters, if the man you date ever tells you he thinks he isn't good enough for you, stop and listen. Don't rush to console him or brush it aside or try to be magnanimous but stop and ask him why. Sometimes, when men tell you they aren't as "good" as you think they are, there is something there. No one knows his past like he himself does, obviously, and sometimes such statements are a 'test' to see how much you will accept. Sometimes it is a feeble attempt to 'come clean'. So before you brush it off as something that happened long ago or something that will not have an impact on your future, think. Because what he is telling you about his past may not be as paltry as he makes it out to be; and because 'small' transgressions have a way of becoming more exaggerated versions of themselves.

Just as you must not tolerate even the hint of violence in your dating relationship, you must not accept past peccadillos without asking yourself if it hints at a character flaw that could manifest itself again, this time in a way that could be painful for you. Because, my daughters, ghosts of the past don't conveniently stay in the past and I don't want the ones to be haunted to be you!

Not-So-Simple Rule #6: You Can't Make Bad Batter Better by Adding Good Batter to It!

I have neglected my Not-So-Simple Rules for too long! So here we go again!

First let me be upfront and say Rule #6 is especially for R! Yes I can hear you screaming :) But trust me, this one you really really need to know.

Rule #6 - You can't make bad batter better by adding good batter to it.

A good cook will tell you, if you made a batch of batter for pancakes or waffles or fried chicken and it didn't turn out right, just throw it away and start afresh. That would be the best option. But many amateur cooks and cost conscious mums try to make the bad batter better by adding stuff to it - like more butter or more flour or more cream or even add it to a batch of good batter and hope that the good batter will mask the mistake and somehow 'rescue' the bad batter :)

But the end result, my daughters, is always that the bad batter ends up costing you more - more money, more wasted time, more heartache, more frustration. It would have really been better to throw out the bad batter and start afresh. You really can't make bad batter better by adding good batter to it.

So what does all this have to do with dating? You can't date a 'bad boy' and think that you ("the good batter") will be the one to change him. (I can hear you screaming again.)

You see, my daughters, many women are drawn to 'bad boys' - especially the ones who seem to be waiting to be rescued; from themselves. There is a little bit of "the saviour" mentality in many women; maybe it is the maternal, nurturing instinct in us, maybe it is the innate desire to fix things and make it better.... The fact remains that many women are drawn to 'bad boys' and we begin to think that we will be the ones who will make the difference - that all that this guy needs is a friend who believes in him, a friend who accepts him and is willing to stand by him while he works through his problems etc etc etc....... But trust me, my daughters, there is wisdom in Jeremiah's words "Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots? Neither can you do good who are accustomed to doing evil." (Jer 13:23) Bad boys can't be made good. Instead it will be the good girls who will get drawn into an unrewarding, demeaning and destructive relationship in the end.

I don't think I need to describe these 'bad boys' to you. They walk around with a devil-may-care attitude, they admit to having a huge problem that they want to break but can't (smoking, drinking, drugs, anger, gangs etc etc ) and then suggest in some ways that maybe they can't change on their own - their family doesn't believe in them (their mother / father / abusive siblings / step parents - the variety I have heard is endless), they don't have true friends, noone cares... Then they will talk of themselves as misunderstood beings, guys who could be someone different if only.....

That "if only" my daughters, must not be YOU! :) No, you cannot help him quit smoking, no you cannot be his friend while he is in a gang, no your friendship isn't going to save him, no you must not spend hours on the phone counselling him, no you cannot go with him to talk to these people who are making his life miserable.

And if, my daughters, you have already started a friendship trying to fix one of these "bad boys", you must have the strength to end it because the "bad boy" date is also emotionally manipulative. You will get calls and sms messages that portray him in different dire situations, his friends will call on his behalkf to talk to you, he will moon around in your presence, you will get messages that he is crying or drunk or suicidal. So you see, it is better not to get into one of these friendships at all because you will be sucked into a relationship that will drain you and get you in deep waters because the fact is, the saviour he needs is not YOU.

Dating a "bad boy" will mean moving from one calamity to another, from one situation to another because even when there are no problems, he will invent one as it is your sympathy that is keeping you hooked. And as long as he can keep you sympathetic, as long as he keeps you believing that he needs you, you will stay. And that will be a disastrous decision. So, my daughters, if the batter is bad, chuck it down the kitchen sink no matter how tempted you are to try and save it. Because you can't make bad batter better by adding good batter to it.

Not-So-Simple Rule #5: The Fruit Doesn't Fall Far from the Tree

Right, I have been turning this rule over and over in mind for a while now because it would be irresponsible of me to over-simplify this issue, yet if I were to talk about it to the extent it needs, it will be a very long blog entry.... So I have attempted some sort of a happy medium in-between. Let's see how it goes...

Rule #5: The fruit does not fall far from the tree. Who your date is is not going to be very different from who his parents are or who his family raised him to be. This was the thought that started me off in the first place, creating all these 'Rules' on dating... It is a rule that I admit I myself did not pay any attention to when I started dating and I can honestly say, now, that I wish I had.

When previous generations of parents arranged the marriages of their children, the family of origin was the most important factor they considered. Unfortunately, in the modern dating context, this item is not something couples get to till they are quite far down the dating journey and often, they don't get to it right till they are married. But in arranged marriages, if you remember my earlier post, this is the starting point and often the end point too. Both situations are not ideal. Looking at the family of origin of your date should not be the sole determinant of your decision to date or not, nor should it be ignored.

In the modern dating scene, introducing your date to one's parents is seen as a big sign of commitment, so many couples shy away from it. But I would advise you, my daughters, to spend time getting to know not only his family, but also your own - precisely because the fruit does not fall far from the tree.

What do I mean by that, you ask? Simply this - the person you date and you yourself, are shaped by your respective families of origin. Whoever your date is, he is shaped and nurtured by the dynamics of his family of origin. And unless he has recognised this and taken active steps to counter any negative influences there might be, he will bring all of this baggage into the relationship. As will you. Although during the dating stage you might think that the relationship is only about the two of you, it is not. Inside and behind each of you, there are the many patterns of behaviour, attitudes and values that have been layered in each of your lives by the families you were born into and raised in.

Some people spend their lives trying to live in the opposite way to their family of origin. Some people live out exactly the same dynamics of their family of origin. Whether you live by its influence or actively try to counter its influence, the fact remains that your family of origin is right there in the middle of your relationship.

It is important, my daughters, for you to spend time getting to know your date's family because if you keep your eyes and ears open, you will learn many things that will help you decide whether or not you should develop this relationship. His family of origin WILL affect your relationship with him, just as your family of origin will affect it as well. Make no mistake about this.

In what ways?

1. Communication Patterns

Observe how his family communicates. Does the family have conversations? Do they really talk to each other? about issues not just events of the day? Mundane conversations about what happened during the day has its place of course, but if that is all the family talks about - events, other people's lives, commonplace ideas - then there might be a serious issue of avoidance that needs to be addressed.

Observe also how his family deals with conflict. Do the parents have yelling matches? Or does either his mother or father retreat in silence when there is conflict? Does his family deal with conflict or does it pretend there is none? Do family members express their unhappiness to each other or do the parents preserve a veneer of politeness? Does any one of the parents play hard at 'happy families'? Do members in the family feel it is safe to disagree? Do they disagree without disengaging from each other - ie is disagreement allowed without the disagreeing member being made to feel he is being disloyal or disobedient?

The communication pattern in your respective families of origin is important as well - because all couples will have conflict. In fact if you and your boyfriend do not quarrel then that is a HUGE danger sign that you are not talking about issues honestly. And my daughters, in times of conflict, when the cards are down and you see red, the pattern you will fall into is the pattern you grew up with. The communication patterns of your family of origin will be carried over into your relationship. And you need to recognise this and address it right from the start.

2. Values

This is another important area that you need to pay attention to, my daughters. How does his family of origin view dating and sex?How do they view marriage? divorce? How are the women in his family treated? How is money treated? What values are associated with money, thrift, debts etc? What standards of integrity do the parents hold their children to? And an important one - What about forgiveness? Was it offered readily after mistakes? Was it withheld and offered only after much penitence was shown? Were mistakes brushed aside without penalty? These questions matter because they all have implications for issues that will arise in long term relationships. Different values towards money - for example between one partner who comes from a family where thriftiness was valued and another where money was used as a proxy to love - can result in deep unhapiness over spending and saving.

3. Role Models

Observe who the role models for your date are within his family. Is there a male figure he looks up to and wants to emulate? This is important, my daughters, because no matter how your date acts when he is courting you, you must keep at the back of your mind the truth that in moments of stress (and there will be many), this male role model is what your date will morph into. As will you - you too, are likely to morph into the female role model that you have grown up with, in moments of stress. If he has no male role model, or an ineffective male role model, that will create a truckload of problems that I pray will not get dumped on you! If there is a male role model in the family, watch to see how your date interacts with him. What does this male role model do? work as? how does he communicate with women? how does he communicate with your date? Does he affirm him? Watch, listen, observe, because this is a crucial piece of the jigsaw. If a man cannot get his father's affirmation, my dears, he carries it with him for life and will spend a good part of his life searching for it in all the wrong places.

4. Position in Family

This one is difficult and I don't even know if I can explain it correctly. It is a concept called "homeostatis" - the role one plays in the family of origin to keep the family system in 'balance'. In a sense each person has a "function" in the system, a role each one plays in keeping the system in "balance". So family members each play a role - eg the provider, the scapegoat, clown, confidante, the 'parent' child... These roles create a form of co-dependency and each one of us plays this part to keep the family moving along.

Homeostasis also explains something about dating and marriage in general. It explains the common idea why people are attracted to people with whom they (subconsciously perhaps) believe they can recreate homeostasis (order). In other words "falling in love" is often a matter of finding someone with whom we can "work out" family of origin issues.

We tend either to choose someone who is like or radically un-like our family of origin as a marriage partner. What we attempt to do with the partner is to recreate the role we played in our family of origin. So men who are close to their mothers, for eg, might sub-consciously be looking for a mother figure who would treat them in the same way. Or we might look for something that was missing from our family of origin and try to re-create it through the person we are dating.

The problem with this is that your date is neither your parent nor a sibling and he has no idea what the role you are choosing him to play is, because in turn he is choosing the role you are to play in his life! So I might be subconsciously looking for a strong male figure unlike my father or conversely, to re-create the relationship I had with my father. But if the strong male figure I think I have found is in effect looking for a mother figure to nurture him and protect him, then obviously I am set up for disaster, right? Story of my life :)

This brings us right back to where we started - Rule #1. A successful relationship can be forged only between 2 mature, well-defined people - be a dog, date a dog. You need to be able to "leave" your family of origin and the role you played in it and find another person who is able to make the same mature decision. And we will be free and mature only to the extent we are conscious of who we were/are in our family of origin. Remember, the fruit does not fall far from the tree :) And maybe God had something really important to say when He said "a man will leave his father and his mother and be united to his wife and they shall be one flesh" :) Hahaha - don't tell Pastor Rennis I said this ok?

5. Coping mechanisms

This has become a long blog entry as I feared so I am going to talk about just one more... Ask your date - what is his coping mechanism in times of stress? This is a crucial conversation to have and it is strongly linked to the family of origin. Parents who model unhealthy coping mechanisms will pass these on to their children and this will have a big impact on your courtship, and more importantly, on your marriage. We women are blessed by our ability to cry and talk. We truly are. When we feel sad or lonely or bored or stressed, we find consolation in tears, chocolate and friends. We rant and rave and complain and shop and just let the whole world know that we are not happy. The first lesson boys learn, however, is sadly, that "boys don't cry". I really wonder which idiot came up with that parenting tip. The Bible says "Jesus wept"! And there is no macho man on earth who can stand up in comparison to Him! Yet many parents keep telling their sons, not to cry. So what do these boys do? Ask! Because their coping mechanism can cause you many many problems if you don't ask and talk about it. This is the starting point of many unhealthy obsessions. Research has shown for example, that many men who watched porn to relieve stress had fathers who had the same coping mechanism. This is something you may not be able to gauge just by observing, but it is a question you must ask.

So, there you have it. Rule #5. I hope this has not been a depressing read for you, my daughters. It is the most sobering of my 8 Not-So-Simple-Rules and I don't think I have done it justice here. But do not take the issue of your families too lightly. The shadow of your families will always be there and time you spend trying to understand each others' families will be well worth it. As I said before, it is not just his family, but your own too that you need to be aware of.

But when all is said and done, please remember that Jesus Christ is the Author and Finisher of our faith. His love redeems and transforms and there is nothing He cannot change and re-create. All the ghosts of the past, every generational mistake can be wiped out by our God who delights in new beginnings. So in all things, do not despair. The fruit does not fall far from the tree, but we have a living God who catches the fruit when it falls and makes it grow again on a new tree of life! Amen!

Not-So-Simple Rule #4: 3Fs = Pass

So here is the long-awaited Rule #4 :)

Contrary to conventional exam grading systems, my daughters, 3 Fs would be a good checklist to rate potential boyfriends to see if he passes.

1.Faith - I am sure you saw this one coming, right? I cannot emphasise enough, how important this is. This is so important that a guy who doesn't share your faith shouldn't even be a blip on your radar! :) When God called the Israelites out of Egypt and made a covenant with them, He was very clear on this - when you go into the land I give you, do not marry the people of the land. And a major reason for this was that God knew that when His children marry those who worship other gods, it would just be a matter of time before they started adopting the rituals, practices, thoughts and behaviours of their spouses. Because you WILL compromise.

This is not an old-fashioned, narrow minded rule like the practices of some communities who want marriages to be within the same ethnic group or caste. Dating someone who shares your faith is important because when you are dating, you will be vulnerable. The dating phase is when many young people compromise on who they are and how they usually behave and what they prefer, because the desire to please the other person and win his approval is very great (hence the importance of Rule #1). So it will start with small things like feeling awkward saying grace before you eat because he doesn't. Then it will extend to other areas like not talking about God or not giving glory to God for things that happen because it will seem awkward. Then you will start bringing in God only when there are problems - like saying "Oh I will pray about that." instead of God being a vital part of your lives together. And as you get more and more involved in the relationship, you will give up more and more and by the time you get to the wedding, you will be ready to not even have a Christian ceremony because of how awkward it will all be. Marriage preparation claseses? Not a hope! Getting a pastor to marry you? No way that is going to happen!

Ask yourself - are there aspects of your date's faith that you hide from Christian friends or fudge when you talk to your pastor? Is your date's relationship with God something you talk about? If not, why? Is God in the middle of your conversations? Or do you say you will pray about issues on your own, away from each other? If you don't talk about God as a couple and how God is changing you or what God is teaching you and marvel at how God is growing you as a couple, do you think things will change after marriage? Are you and your date just great together or are you great together because you see God's Hand in your lives every day? These are important questions you need to ask and pause to ask yourself why if you answer them in the negative.

2. Family - Another F to consider is how the guy you like relates to his family, how he reacts to your family, what his family thinks of you and what your family thinks of him. Once you start dating, you are likely to become so wrapped up in each other that you will begin to think that the only thing that matters is the two of you. While this may be true early in your relationship, you will soon find that familial relationships will begin to intrude in many ways. How the guy you date relates to his family is important because it will tell you what his attitude towards familial relationships are - how he treats his parents and his siblings will give you a very good indication of how he will treat your parents and siblings and how he will treat you and your children in the future. Also ask yourself how your family feels about him as a person and be willing to hear them out without becoming defensive. Your family knows you in ways even you may not know yourself and they might see aspects of your relationship that you are blind to. If you hide aspects of your date from your family or are ashamed to tell your family about some things, then that should be a warning to you that all may not be right. If you hide something from your family because you think they would not approve of him or accept him if they knew this, then, my daughters you really should drop this guy like a hot potato :) Watch closely when his family members speak of him or to him - because like your family, his family knows him well too and what is left unsaid can sometimes mean a great deal.

3. Friends - This is one barometer you should consult as well before you embark on a steady relationship. Does he introduce you to his friends and do they like him? Are you eager to introduce him to your friends and do they like him? A sure sign that this may not be the guy for you is if your friends feel uncomfortable around him or if he does not introduce his friends to you. If in dating him you find yourself drawing away from your own circle of friends, beware! The friends you knew and enjoyed spending time with before you knew him are a valuable part of your life. If your date feels uncomfortable around them, it should be a sign to you that things are not all that they seem to be. The guy you date should encourage you to spend time with your friends and he should have a circle of friends that he continues to keep in touch with. Dating does not mean seeing only each other exclusively. Such exclusivity will result in you having only one perspective of any situation that arises - his. Your friends should be able to welcome the guy you are dating into their company and enjoy his presence without a feeling of constraint. Mutual friends are important and you should feel comfortable with his best friends too. If the guy you date begins to find fault with your friends or forces you to choose between him and your friend, alarm bells should ring, my daughters.

So, my daughters, check for the 3 Fs before you decide that this is the one, for they will give you a pretty good indication as to whether you should commit :)

Not-So-Simple Rule #3: Lions are Bad News

Beware, my daughters of Lions, for if you date a lion, you will have to be prepared to be a lioness.

Lions are men who are attractive, attentive and charming but are only interested in dating because they are looking for 'trophy dates'. A 'trophy date' is someone who draws the admiring glances of others around you, like the models on the arms of footballers :) I know you are protesting that you aren't models or actresses but many young women are potential 'trophy dates' because they are popular, or smart or well-liked by others or even godly. Lion-men try to covet women who other men are interested in. Winning women who are liked by other men adds to the 'trophy' value of these women when they finally say yes to these men who are courting them.

Being courted by a Lion-man can be a heady experience because lions will pull out all the stops and stop at nothing to impress. They are attentive dates, they woo with the exact qualities they know you are looking for, because lions do their research and their stalking for a long time before they initiate the wooing process. So there will be extra attention, romantic gestures, lavish gifts, the works. And it will be very hard not to be impressed. :)

But once the courting period is over and they are sure of their catch, a number of things can and will go wrong. The worst that can happen is that the lions miss the thrill of the courtship and wooing and stray - by beginning the courting and wooing with the next woman they fancy. Because the thrill is in the hunt and the desire to add another 'trophy' can sometimes prove too strong. So even while these lions are in a relationship, they will not curb their flirting ways. If the woman they are dating complains, the lion men get very upset and either accuse their dates of being jealous and possessive or just declare that that is the way they are and that the women would have to accept them like this. Both such statements, my daughters, are danger signs to heed and to make a fast exit.

If the lion stays without straying, there is another aspect their dates will have to contend with. The lion does not hunt; the lioness does. Lion-men are often too busy preening their mane and "being the man" that they do not have the energy to invest time and effort in building their family. Remember this if you ever date a lion. The lion does not bring up the cubs and the lion feeds on the prey that the lioness hunts and carries back. Lion men make self-indulgent mates who will be romantic when they want to pacify their mate, often with extravagant, larger-than-life gestures and sweet words. But when it comes to paying the bills, staying up for night feeds and keeping track of school events for the children - baby, you are on your own!

So, unless you want to be the lioness - supporting, propping, paying and desperately praying - steer clear of lions! And how will you know he is a lion? He will put a great store by appearances (telling you what looks good on you, calling you sweet names like 'hey gorgeous'), he will be very proud of the way he looks (the mirror checking will be a dead giveaway) and he will likely have a poor work ethic (either holding a series of flashy short-lived jobs, or not putting in his best in his job and often encouraging his date not to as well)......

So if there is a handsome guy on the horizon who is being especially attentive and your girl friends are falling over themselves trying to get his attention and he is setting his zoom lens on you, turn and run, my daughters because Lions are Bad News!!!!!! :)

Not-So-Simple Rule #2: Ox + Ass = Crooked Furrow

You are familiar with this rule, my daughters - "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers" (2Cor 6 :14). This reference in the Bible does not specifically refer only to marriage but to any close relationship or partnership you would enter into. But most often, it is cited as the reason why it would be unwise to date (and marry) a non-believer.

Familiar though this might be, it is a not-so-simple rule because the unequal yoking could not just be between a believer and a non-believer, but also between 2 believers. So it is not just a straightforward admonishment to only date and marry a Christian, but also to check where each one of you is with the Lord.

Dating someone of a different faith from you is asking for trouble. In the first flush of romance, it will seem as if you can work ANYTHING out! Often the first attraction is a physical one and the other party is so very keen to get into your good books and be accepted by you that he will promise anything to anyone. Strong Christians are very attractive. Increasingly, in today's society, faithful Christian young men and women who choose not to party, not to sleep around, not to get caught up in the posturing and pretence, are attractive to the average decent blokes out there. These are good guys we are talking about - they get their grades, they aren't fooling around, they are nice - and they are looking. And these are the guys you need to be careful not to fall for because they will have nothing counting against them - except that they do not know the Lord.

You will need to be even more careful when it is another Christian. Because professing the faith is not the same as living it. It is a living relationship of faith that counts. A Christian who enjoys a vibrant relationship with God who dates a Christian who is lukewarm in his relationship, is still unequally unyoked. And this relationship is more dangerous because the cracks will not start showing till much, much later. Because you think the guy you are dating is a Christian, you will miss small warning signs or overlook shortcomings or forgive stumblings. Then you will start to make small compromises as well, because you love this person so much. And that my dears is when God will get edged out of your lives and become a convenient person you remember on Sundays.

The image of unequal yoking is an apt one. If you remember the account of creation in Genesis, you will remember how often the phrase "each according to its kind" is repeated. If I tried to plow my field by yoking an ox and an ass together, I will not get a straight furrow. The stronger animal will be pulling at a different speed and with greater strength. The weaker animal will struggle and might collapse. The stronger animal will set the pace because of its superior strength and the weaker animal will either give up or be at the mercy of the stronger animal or in extreme cases, collapse from the exhaustion of being unequally yoked. A relationship where a believer is yoked with an unbeliever is in danger of the same fate.

And it will be true even if you were both believers but one had a stronger relationship with God than the other. If I put a weak ox together with a strong ox, I still would not get a straight furrow because the slow ox will slow down the stronger ox, or leave the strong ox to do all the work while it goes along for the ride. More worryingly, the stronger ox here may not necessarily be the Christian and in that case it will just be a matter of time before the cracks start to show and then compromises will be made.

If both the animals who are yoked are strong, such as a strong ox and a strong horse, then you can imagine the chafing there is going to be under that yoke. I will still not get the nice furrow I want because each animal will be trying to set the pace, each will want to go its way. I might have matched the 2 animals in strength, but they are still unequally yoked. For a straight furrow, I need to match a strong ox with another strong ox or a strong horse with another strong horse - equal yoking!

So, when you date, my daughters, remember Strong Ox + Strong Ox = Straight Furrow; Ox + Ass = Crooked Furrow :)

Not-So-Simple Rule #1: Be a Dog, Date a Dog

Riiiiight.... so here we go! Aha! You thought I had forgotten didn't you? :) Here we go then, on the much-awaited, long-dreaded rules, my daughters....

Rule #1: Be a Dog, Date a Dog

This is crucial. You see, most of us are either dogs or fleas.

Dogs are self-sufficient, independent and emotionally stable. Fleas, on the other hand, are dependent on their hosts (the dogs) for survival. Men and women who are fleas are emotionally needy, looking for someone else to complete them and to make them happy. Men and women who are dogs are attractive because they are stable, they are rescuers and providers. So fleas flock to them.

Fleas look for dogs to give them affirmation, a sense of value and a sense of belonging. When a flea dates a dog, the relationship is a needy one. The flea is emotionally dependent on the dog and sometimes these relationships work out because the dog feels needed. The dog revels in its superior position and gives the flea the affirmation it is looking for. But sometimes, the dog begins to despise the flea for the very neediness that it liked initially and then the relationship can become manipulative, degrading or toxic. The flea will try to be more needy because that was what the dog was doing in the early stages of the relationship - rescuing and providing. But when the dog tires of this one sided feeding relationship, the flea, my dears has nothing to sustain itself on. Exit flea.

If the dog is a nice dog, he/she will continue to carry this flea for a long, long time. But the flea will remain in a emotionally / financially / physically dependent relationship and will not grow to be anything else.

Now when a flea dates a flea... Ooooh. This one is a goner from the start. Because neither one of the 2 fleas has anything to offer except their own neediness. But there are many, many couples in this sort of a relationship. Because needy fleas recognise the neediness in other fleas and they tell each other their sad stories, find solace that someone at last 'understands', and think that they will build a better world for themselves. Many people who are fleas don't realise they are dating other fleas because their own sense of neediness makes them think that anyone who shows interest in them must be worthy of their undying love. Fleas think so lowly of themselves that they believe the world is full of people who will only want to step on them, so when they find another flea who is as broken as them, they connect. But they have nothing to keep the relationship alive except superficial aspects of a relationship such as sex.

BUT when a dog dates a dog! Ah, this my dears makes for the start of a good relationship. Because both the dogs come together in a mutually affirming relationship. Each dog is its own master, each dog knows how to feed himself/herself emotionally and spiritually and does not need a host to carry it. Dogs who date dogs can go beyond emotional neediness and explore new areas of interest that will strengthen the relationship because they don't always have to worry about the fragility of the partner. Dogs have the strength to say no, when they find that there are aspects of the relationship they do not like. Dogs have the resources to be by themselves if they have to be. Dogs love themselves first and so will not be pressured to be anybody else they don't want to be because, hey, they are not needy fleas. Get it?

So, Rule #1 - Before you date someone, make sure you are a dog yourself. Then make sure you are dating a dog. If it is a flea, shake him out of your fur coat my daughters, because in the final count of things, he is just not going to be worth you! :)

Arranged Marriages

For some strange reason, I have been thinking about arranged marriages. And although I was horrified at the prospect of it happening to me 30 years ago, I am beginning to see now that this arrangment actually had some good things going for it.

I received my first 'proposal' when I was 24. I was in university then and I suppose my family must have been getting alarmed at my single status. Anyway, this guy came over with his mother to my sister's place to meet me. My sister pretended that it was just a guy coming over and was wary of making it too obvious that it was in effect a match-making session in progress lest I just upped and left. She tried in oblique ways to get me to wear a sari but I was at my un-cooperative best and played her at her own game by wearing what I would normally wear at home which was a shabby 'pavadai' (a long decidedly unflattering skirt) because it was just a guy coming over, right? No need to get dressed for that! Although I was determined to be un-cooperative, I must say that he was a really nice guy and the afternoon wasn't as horrendous as I imagined it would be. He was, however, a good 7 years older than me and he told his mother that he found me too young and looking back, I am thankful for his good sense for I would have had a hard time battling my family if he had said yes :) Remind me to show you his picture' ok? :)

What got me going down this memory path was a chat with my friend Ruth over breakfast this morning. She has spent a long time in Nepal and she was sharing how many young couples there who have become Christians actually ask their pastors to introduce them to other eligible young Christians as their own parents were still likely not to have accepted Christ. So the Christian pastors there have a network of sorts and look out for eligible young men and women who could be introduced to each other.

And that made me think about a big aspect of dating. Nowadays, dating is very much about the individuals themselves. When couples meet, they spend time getting to know each other but the family almost never enters the picture till much later. In fact, meeting the family is taken to be a big step in the direction of indicating that the relationship is getting more serious. But in arranged marriages, the most important thing is the family.

When looking for a potential groom, the conversations in my family centred around what were the parents like, was the mother of the groom the sort who would look after the daughter-in-law, how many sisters did the groom have and would he have to look after them financially, were there any genetic illnesses in the family, did the parents get on etc. Of course the first thing to be settled was that the family in question was of the same caste and socio-economic class, that the groom was gainfully employed and in the market for a bride. You see, this cut out so much of the angst I see now. The women then did not have to wait and whine about their long-term boyfriend not proposing or not being ready for commitment. The men were ready or else the families would not be looking! There was little doubt over finances, there were no hidden surprises and many issues such as responsibilities after marriage were worked out by the elders.

So based on my ponderings I am in the process of coming up with a guidebook to dating. It will be called '8 Not-so-simple Rules to Dating, My Daughters'. Hahahaha. Look out for the 8 Rules over the next few days! I shall do one rule at a time and you are all welcome to comment and contribute. This seems like such fun and I am sure I will mortify my daughters no end with this plan. Hahahahaha.

Words to Ponder

"It is easier to build strong children than repair broken men."
- Frederick Douglass

Do you want to get well?

God first posed that question to me in 1995. The church I was attending then, MCI, had invited Sadhu Sundar from Jesus Ministries to preach and he spoke on John 5:1-15 (Jesus heals the Man at Bethseda Pool). Recently, SJSM has been doing the Book of John again and this passage was one of those picked for discussion in my cell group. It has been many years later, but again I felt God asking me the same question - "Do you want to get well?"

When I first read the passage in John, my reaction was - what a strange question! Surely Jesus knew the man wanted to be healed? He had been lying beside the pool at Bethseda for 38 years, surely for no other reason but the desire to get well! In fact, my initial reaction was one of admiration for this man who had waited so patiently for God to come and heal him.

But when Sadhu Sundar spoke I realised that there was an important point to Christ's question - Do you want to get well? Jesus knew He could heal the crippled man, but He also wanted the man and His disciples to understand that beyond the physical healing, there is an emotional and spiritual healing that needs to take place. While we pray asking God to deliver us from some situation or other, many times we are not ready to face the real cripple inside us.

Many of us pray for something over and over again and think that it is not God's will when something we pray for does not materialise. Yes, some things we desire are not according to God's will. But when God does speak, like the unerring Physician He is, He puts His finger right on the spot. Do you want to get well? Do you want to invite God into the situation or are you happier licking your wounds? Do you want to get well or are you actually happier being a suffering victim and enjoying the sympathy of others?

Do you want to get well? It is a searching question and if we want to grow as God intends us, we need to press in and look for the answer. Do I want to do something about the situation or am I in a way really not doing anything about it because it gives me something to gripe about, to feel sorry for myself, to complain about, to blame my bad mood on?

Do I want to get well? Because like the crippled man at Bethseda, when God sets me free from the trapped situation I am in, I will no longer be able to whine "Sir, I have no one to help me into the pool". I will no longer be able to blame someone else for my situation and say "While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me." I will no longer receive sympathy and no one will say what a brave Christian I am. So maybe, there is a part of me that is not really asking God to heal me, because I am secretly enjoying my crippled state?

Then, when I am healed, there is another difficulty - Jesus will say "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk!" What will that mean to me? After years of lying there feeling sorry for himself, the crippled man had to act. He had to demonstrate that he was healed. That means - no more excuses! No more postponing of what God has called me to do. No more telling God, "I will do this after..." or I will do this when I am ...". I will have to give God the glory and share His power and love with others. I will have to pick up my mat, the symbol of my crippled state, my pain and shame and walk that all may see God's work in me. Am I ready for that public gaze into my life?

Do you want to get well? The question has made me re-think about all my prayers & requests. To dig deep and ask God to search me and show me my thoughts and prayers for what they really are.

The Wicked Witch Writes

I have just finished attending a 3-day conference and renewed a personal vow I made 5 years ago that I will not attend this particular conference again. I had gone this year thinking that maybe things would have gotten better, but have come away disappointed that there was still very little that was new. To be fair, there were a couple of good speakers, but the ho-hum outnumbered the wows.

Anyway, I had a good time with my friends who were at the conference too and for their company I am very grateful.We got into a conversation in the cab while going to Serangoon for lunch yesterday that reminded me of Jennani's famous pronouncement when she was 5 years old that reduced me to tears - that she was the princess, her father was the prince and I was the wicked witch :)

The topic of the conversation was my friends' urging that I should learn to drive. Fair enough, but then Saro said that if I knew how to drive, I could buy a car and my daughters could use it too. This was when the red light started flashing for me. And Dot added that yes, if I didn't want to buy the car for myself, I could give my daughters an interest-free loan to help them buy a car and I could drive it too. And that set me off. I was very adamant that I was not going to buy a car just so that my daughters could drive it and if my daughters wanted a car, they could jolly well buy it when they could afford it. Saro then made the fateful declaration that I, unlike her who was kind, was cruel. Ooooh... There it was again. 17 years later, and I am still a wicked witch :) Quite a number of my students would agree I am sure, but my dear daughters, lest you are also harbouring secret thoughts of how cruel I am, let me explain.

Thinking back, I admit there must have been a number of occasions when I must have seemed cruel. The one that comes to mind immediately, Jen sweetie, is the Battle of the Handphone. It was something you and your sister wanted desperately and you only got it - when? after your 'O' levels? More recently, Rubhi met Wicked Witch when I asked her to pay for half the cost of her handphone which was lost.

To tell you the absolute truth, I feel really bad doing this stuff to you. Especially asking you to bring your savings along Rubs. I felt really cruel. But my darling daughters whom I love very very much, I dearly hope I have achieved what I set out to teach - that (1) when you get something too easily, you will value neither the gift nor the giver. Waiting for something you want badly and working towards it builds character and makes you cherish what you get. More importantly - (2) every action you take in life will have a consequence and if I keep protecting you from consequences, you will never learn responsibility. And (3) your desires must match your means. Buy something when you have saved for it and can afford it. If you have to borrow to own it, you have not earned it.

Like Hamlet, I too must be cruel only to be kind... I hope I have not hurt you my darlings. And I hope you will be just as cruel with my grandchildren... :)

Making memories

I went to look at my other blog - that sad one started in the first flush of blogging and not updated in 2 years and decided to just delete it and keep all my thoughts on 1 blog. I think I just started it because I wanted to categorise my thoughts by subjects - like the control freak I am - and when I realised that the format of the blog does not allow me to do it, just decided to start another blog. But I have come to realise (a) that I don't have the time or inclination to write in 2 blogs (b) I don't have that much to say on bringing up children anyway. So I think one blog will suffice :)

So went to look at the entries there and decided that the entry on making memories was something I still believe in and want to say so I've kept that and just said sayanora to the other blog...

I think the importance of making memories influenced me as a mother more than any other thing. It was something I read - can't remember where, but I realised that I wanted my children to look back on their childhood and remember pleasurable things not painful ones.

I wanted them - when they are both 40-year olds with their own children - to talk with fondness about "remember when we...". I wanted them to tell their children, "when we were children, we had fun when ....". I didn't want my children to remember painful memories or harsh words or punishments or denials. I wanted my children to carry through their lives a feeling of being safe, being loved no-matter-what and of having mattered in their family.

I don't know if I have succeeded - it is still too early to say. I will only know if I have done right by my children when I hear what my grand-children have to say :)

So I have tried to make memories... I have tried to choose my battles, I have tried not to hurt with words, I have tried to celebrate whenever we can or should. Many times I have lost the battle between the mother I want to be and the woman that I am. But children are loving and far more forgiving than we adults are capable of being and every time I have apologized (and even when I have not) my children have accepted, forgiven and moved on. And I think they will have good memories ....