Mismatch?

Finally, I have come to the end of the first run of my training workshops. It has been 5 long weeks. Yesterday, the last day of my workshop, I don't know who was happier - me or the participants :) 

I think I have identified what it is that makes me feel dispirited and joyless in my new job. I think it is because in the past few years,  I have deliberately been cultivating a life that is more about thinking than doing, more about connecting than telling, more about saying yes to life rather than yes to work. Then just when I thought I was going to move forward in this journey by doing more of what I love, which is teaching, I realise I have actually moved back. I have moved back into a life of working without asking why, of doing without reflection, of valuing speed more than deliberation.

I think the life cycle I am at does not match the life cycle of the organisation I am in. The organisation  is new, needing to grow quickly, needing to make an impact. What it needs are people who are eager to be pioneers, to be trailblazers. I am not. I am at a life stage when I want to be retrospective, when I want to make sense of life, and use my life experiences to mentor and guide the younger ones. I feel like Moses at the end of leading his wandering flock, not Joshua waiting to charge in with the flock. To Joshua the Promised Land was one of opportunity and promise. To Moses the Promised Land would have meant the reward for his toils.

I wish I knew how to manage this mismatch. I know where I am is part of God's design and purpose. I know I am called to do my work as unto the Lord and not men. I know I can trust God. I wish my heart would listen to my head more.

Blues

I fear this is the year my blog will die. Not because I am tired of writing in it but because my world has shrunk and become less rich. The change in my job is not suiting me well. I feel like a fish taken from the sea and put in a fish-bowl. Like a wanderer told to walk in a straight line. And my evenings and weekends are no longer mine alone.

I am so dispirited I have even begun to wonder if there might be some truth in horoscopes. I used to be an avid reader of horoscopes before I became a Christian but not since. But over the Chinese New Year,  almost every magazine I picked up had predictions for the Rooster in this Rabbit year and I confess I peeked. And all 3 predictions I read said the same thing - that this will be a difficult year for me career-wise. And so far, I must say, it has been just that.

What I thought was settling-in blues seems to be lasting far too long. Surely, surely, Lord, there must be more to work than this?

Piecing Together the Jigsaw

I'm reading Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend and I'm amazed at the wealth of insights I receive every time I read and re-read it. I wish I had read this book earlier in my life; but I also wonder if I would have been able to appreciate its truths then. 

I believe God brings me to certain points in my life when jigsaw pieces that had been scrambled before suddenly fall into place. I had this experience once before, when I did the Search for Life course in church in 2008. Now with this book, I am piecing together different aspects of my life again.

The term "boundaries" is usually misinterpreted and many of us (myself included) tend to think we have boundaries in place, in the sense we are not doormats, we behave, and we conduct our lives with a measure of decorum. But I am thankful to Joshua for asking me to read this book, for it has opened up a whole new dimension of self-awareness for me.

I have realised how I have not drawn boundaries in my marriage. I understand why I feel a need for approval from people. And I understand better, the times when I felt resentful even when I was "doing the right thing". These have been huge learning points for me, and after the Bible and Covey's 7 Habits, I will list Boundaries as a book that has had a life-changing impact on me.

I need time to unpack the impact of this book on me. And to censor what I am going to share :) I know you share my excitement over the book, R, and I am hoping you get round to reading it too, my dear older daughter :) I have discovered that I can never discover all of me!