Preparing for Christmas

Preparations for Christmas began really late this year, I suppose because I was in London for so long. So the tree went up late, the presents were bought hurriedly, the menu is not really decided yet... I feel the usual anxieties creeping up on me as I think about the annual Christams family dinner.

But yesterday while I was attending a workshop, (my mind only half on what was being said, because I was mentally going over all that was still left undone), a thought came to me - why was I stressed and anxious about celebrating the birth of my God? Christmas is when God's love came down. Christmas is about God putting me above Himself.

So I prayed and decided that I will stop obsessing about what to cook, what to buy, most important of all, what people will think... I will celebrate Christ. So I began to think how we can celebrate Christmas so that our Saviour's birth will be manifested to the people who come to our home for Christmas. This is what came to mind -

A Christ-honouring Christmas dinner would

• welcome guests into a warm and loving home
• bless the guests with joy and laughter
• affirm the guests

My goal shall be to make Christmas seem different from all other festivals. Because Christmas is different! Because Christians have a DIFFERENT ATTITUDE! So we will celebrate Christ-mas in a way that makes the guests wonder why this day is different! We will make it a day guests look forward to. We will be generous, joyful, loving and radiate God's love - no matter what!!!

Giving Thanks

Today another child was added to my Father's Household. Maya accepted Christ today and it gives me great joy. It is a prayer answered, it is a jigsaw that fell into place, a promise kept. What is it that makes me word-less at those times that my heart is full of joy? It has been a struggle, there has been so much pain, yet I have known with such surety in my heart from the first time I prayed that God was going to come into this home and build it again. The verse that God gave me then was that this home was built on sand and nothing that was not built on God the Rock can stand. And that has been my prayer - that God will re-build this household on the Rock, that He will be the centre of all relationships here. How many times I have doubted You, Father. How many times it seemed like the end? How many times did I ask - did I hear God right? But You are faithful and what You promised has come to pass and I stand in awe of You.

And I know the battle will begin. But You will triumph. For You alone are God.

Faith

The picture that always comes to me when I think about the meaning of "Faith" is a scene from the movie 'Temple of Doom'. In search of the Holy Grail the hero (Micheal Douglas?) comes to a deep black gap at the end of a cliff. He steps out into the total darkness and then suddenly a bridge appears! But he had to step out first. To just put his foot out there into the emptiness when his brain will be screaming that he is going to fall....

I was reminded of the picture again when I was talking to my niece last night. Faith bridges chasms that reason cannot fathom. It is scary. And you ask yourself again and again, Is that what God really wants? And then on and on till you ask "Is there a God?" because you want to hold on to what you think is certainty - the certainty of reason and logic. But God's message defies reason. His message is one of unconditional love, grace and a goodness that the human mind cannot understand. But as the French mathematician and theologian Blaise Pascal noted long ago, "The heart has reasons that reason does not know." God can be understood only with the heart, with trust in what cannot be seen, only felt.

I will look at this again the next time I need to act in faith :)

Happy Birthday to ME!

Hmmm... Somehow it was more exciting waiting for the birthday than having it. It turns out to be just another day like any other. Shouldn't it feel different in some way? Well, the only thing different is that a lot more people call than on any other day. I've had the mandatory cake - last night - and then calls from my daughter, my sisters, my niece, friends, ex-students... Then of course there are those who obviously forgot - the usual suspects who unfailingly forget (I know the call will come tomorrow) and a few unexpected ones. But otherwise, it was another working day.

I think it's only the very young and the very old who truly want to celebrate. The young because of the sheer excitement of being alive and the old out of sheer surprise :) We middle-aged ones - what does it matter .. 46, 47, 48, 49.. they all seem like the year before. In fact some years you have to count before you can tell your own age. Ha, ha.

OK all this sounds a lot more melancholic than I intended. No, I am not sad. Just pensive. Like wanting to take stock; weigh what matters and what doesn't. Judge the year and see what was important and what wasn't. Or maybe I should leave that for 31 Dec. Anyway, am off now - to dinner and I miss you sweetie. I wish you were here.

Deepavali

We celebrated Deepavali 2 days ago - on 1 Nov. It's a difficult time for me - because I have to think about how to separate the cultural from the religious aspects of the festival.

It's one of the reasons why people think that Christianity is a Western religion and that those who become Christian seem to become 'less Indian' in some way. I suppose in a way the decision also seems to suggest that there is something lacking in the way of life we have left behind. So the decision to accept Christ is met by a number of reactions - some treat it as a 'betrayal', a loss of one's roots; some go all out to prove by quasi-scientific means that the Hindu tradition is far superior; some ignore the decision and continue to attempt to involve the new Christian in their rituals as if the rituals would awaken the 'strayed one' and bring her back; some give 'open-minded' speeches about how all the religions are the same and ha, ha, what does it all matter???? As you can see, I have been at the receiving end of it all.

It IS difficult, not being part of many traditions. I DO miss many of the rituals I used to perform. But not in an aching sort of way. It's more of nostalgia - a 'that's-how-we-used-to-do-it' sort of way. Like a childhood memory I would share with my children. What I have tried to do is to retain what I can of rituals by re-framing them. So yes, I celebrate Deepavali - because it is the Festival of Light and Christ is the Light of the World. And yes, it is the triumph of good over darkness and evil for "You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning: my God turns my darkness into light" (Psalm 18:28). Yes, I can anoint my head with oil for "You anoint my head with oil: my cup overflows" (Psalm 23:5). And yes, I can wear new clothes for I am called to "cast off my old self ... and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness" (Ephesians 4:22-24). So that is how I have 'Christianized' Deepavali for myself.

For I believe that God calls each one of us wherever we are. And where I was born, who I am is all known to God and it's by His design. So there must be a reason why I was born into a Brahmin family, why I was raised as a Hindu and why it didn't satisfy. So I think God is calling me to grow where I am planted. That is why I will hold on to my 'Indian-ness' - I will be a Varalackshmi, because that's who God called and I don't need a Western name to prove I am a Christian. I will confess God by my thoughts, words and deeds and "may the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Oh Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer". (Psalm 19:14)

Making Decisions: Choosing Christ

The most difficult and life-changing decision I made was to become a Christian. It wasn't a Saul-meeting-Christ-on-the-road-to-Damascus kind of decision. I wish it was. It would be so much easier to explain. I mean, how can anyone not believe, after such an encounter? No, mine was a small eating away of resistance, a small niggling feeling that this was not the answer, a small reluctance to pray and then suddenly a decision that yes, Christ is the answer. How did it happen - I do not know.

I think Christ met me in my dissatisfied moments. One eye-opener for me was actually my experience in trying to teach Jenn about Hinduism. I thought about how I grew to believe what I believed and came to the conclusion that it was a kind of an immersion experience - bedtime stories from my mother and father, weekly prayer sessions singing 'bhajans' , regular communal prayer sessions at the Brahmin Association... It kind of seeps into your consciousness, and you learn bits & pieces. And I think I WAS fairly religious as a Hindu. I fasted when I needed stuff, I carried milk pot 'kavadis' in thanksgiving during Thaipusam for both my daughters, prayers on Fridays - gosh, it seems like a different world altogether now. And I look back and see a different me. And so that was what I tried to do with my children - to tell them about the religion by telling them stories. But the more stories I told, the more questions came into my mind. Because Jenn asked "why?" - something I don't remember asking my mother. I had accepted that it was so. But even as I told the stories, they sounded hollow to my ears. I couldn't continue to believe that I was entrusting my future to such human gods - gods who got angry & jealous, who had to be placated, gods who flirted... And then one day, I just made up my mind.

My decision to accept Christ was first of all, an intellectual decision. And then as I went through tough patches, I have come to know Him emotionally and spiritually. But I have also come to understand in a very real way that religion is really a matter of faith. Because there are parts of the Bible that do not stand up to intellectual scrutiny. And you just have to believe. And believing in Christianity is really a circular argument - why do I believe in God? Because the Bible says so. Why do you believe the Bible? Because it's God's Word. So the intellect alone may not give answers. There has to be faith. And that is what moves the different people who practise different religions - each of them has faith that what they believe is the right way.

Then what is different about being a Christian? Isn't it just a matter of choice? I choose to be a Christian, someone chooses to be a Hindu, someone else chooses to be a Buddhist... This is the heart of the matter. What I enjoy now as a Christian that I did not as a Hindu is an absolute loving & personal relationship with God. Before, I was afraid - there were taboos, there were 'bad' days when things could not be done, there were rituals I had to do to please god, and hardest of all, when life was really really bad, I had to live with the thought that what was happening to me now was a result of sins I had committed in my previous birth - things I could not un-do, things I had no control over. Or sometimes because the planets were in the wrong alignment and I had not done the right prayers to counter their influence. That made me feel so very helpless. But with Christ, I feel free. All days are created by God and all things happen according to the will of God. Yes, even when bad things happen to good people. The problems I have are not created by God or the result of my past birth but because of sinful decisions or choices made by men. But now instead of feeling helpless, I can turn to God. Because He comforts me, He shows me what to do, He acts in very real ways. He has even picked up my messes and made them into something beautiful and worthy of Him. This personal relationship, this freedom to talk to God, to be able to say to Him even something as mundane as "God please send me a taxi" or something as large as "God please protect my daughters from the evils of this world" - that is the result of my decision. To choose Christ.

Making Choices

Decision making must be one of the biggest challenges in life. Some decisions are fairly easy to make - where to go to lunch, what movie to watch, what to wear... Though I must admit that even these choices can be agonising ones for some people. :) But some choices are more paralysing than others - what should I study, who should I marry, which job offer should I accept?
But what makes some choices more difficult to make than others? And why do some people find choices so difficult to make? And why does it seem so easy to tell others what choices they should make but so difficult when it is our turn?
I got into this reflective mode because I was struggling with choices last week and so were 3 people who called me to talk. Even as I sat listening to them struggling with the decisions, there was a voice inside my head telling me how obvious the decisions they had to make were. Yet this voice was absent when it was my turn.
I think the biggest fear or reluctance to choose comes from the fear of the consequences of the choice. That is it, isn't it? The fear of what will happen as a result of the choice I make. There seems to be an irrevocability about the decision, turning away from 1 path to choose another, knowing that you will now not know what path you would have gone down if you had chosen otherwise. Even something as simple as choosing what to wear can be time-consuming largely because of the consequences of that choice - will I look fat / thin, will I be over-dressed / under-dressed, will I fit in / stand out... Then of course some choices will have far more impactful consequences - what if I hate my new boss, what if I say yes only to get a better offer next week... And so we procrastinate, somehow hoping that the next hour / day/ week / month will bring us new news that would make the choice more obvious for us...
I have been thinking long and hard about this - the issue of making choices. Because I have felt deeply for those who have had to make choices - whether to accept a job offer? whether to stay in a relationship? whether to give a loan? And in my limited human wisdom, I of course have no answer.
Making a choice is the most powerful and most difficult ability God has given us. We are not animals living by instinct, powered by our need to survive. We have been created in God's own image, lovingly. And what supreme love must it be that said, having known us even before conception, having created every little finger and toe - choose for yourself whether you want to come back to Me and love Me. The Love that gave man the ability to think, imagine, create, rule the earth - and then stepped back and said "you have the freewill to choose to love Me". And so we stumble along, making choices in our own limited way, based on how we feel, what we fear, what we think we need.
How else should we choose? The Word says - according to God's will. Therein is the rub - what is God's will for me? The Word says - in a way that would honour God. But when neither one choice is sinful or dishonouring to God, then what? What is the answer? I do not know. This is all I have thought about so far... I will come back.

The Night I Went Dancing

I had a GREAT time last Friday night! My friend Uma took me to a Gujarati dance party. Apparently during the Navarathiri festival in India the Gujerati community organises these dances called 'Dhandiya' every night for a week. But here in Singapore they only had it for 2 weekends. We went all the way to the East Coast to the Singapore Swimming Club and I took Rubhs along as well.

When we walked into the hall I thought I had walked into a Hindi movie set! The whole place was done up really nicely with wall hangings and big colourful lanterns. And the girls! Wow there were so many pretty girls who really looked like the ones you see in Hindi movies -wearing these long flowy skirts! And then to make more movie magic there was this huge circle of people dancing to the music and everyone seemed to know the steps! It was so Bollywood. R and I stood on the edge of the circle for a really long time and got nudged further and further out because honestly, no one had time for spectators! All kinds of people were dancing - the young girls, the guys (and some were obviously out to impress the girls with their whirling and twirling), small kids, matrons.. and there were me and my daughter on the peripheral of this mass of humanity desperately trying to look like we fitted in!

The way Uma described it the dance looked deceptively simple. It's a North Indian version of the 'kolattam' we do in the South - you know, where each person holds a pair of sticks that look like drumsticks & then click the sticks together as they move in a circle. Well, that is it actually except that the beat here began slowly and then got faster and faster till by the end of an hour (which is how long it takes for 1 dance to finish) everyone is going at a mad pace! People get into 2 circles with partners & the outer circle moves clockwise & the inner circle moves anti-clockwise so you lose your partner pretty soon. I think R & I were unpopular partners. For one thing R bashed people on the knuckles with her sticks & I couldn't co-ordinate my sticks to cross with the person opposite so instead of crossing nicely our sticks were flailing the air!

We only did 2 dances though. I think it's terrible the way roles are reversed in this family. My daughter made me go home! At 11.00pm! Just when I thought I had got the hang of things (yes, after the second dance)... But it was a great experience. Though I felt really self-conscious because it was pretty obvious that we were not Gujeratis and we didn't know a soul - oh, ok that's not strictly true - I met one of my students there. I think it spoilt the night for him. I bet he was all ready to 'buaya' the night away till lo and behold there was his ex-teacher who knew what he was up to... Can't have been much fun for him, poor guy. :)

But it was funny the way the good dancers kind of separated themselves as the music got faster. Soon there was a smaller circle inside the big one and all the good dancers (the ones who could not only click sticks with those in front of them but also twirl and click with the one at the side before clicking back with the one in front - so Bollywood) went there and then the big one (where we were) kind of disintegrated and people started dancing in 3s and 4s but it was real fun. I wish now that I had taken my camera along - then I could post the pics on my blog.

Going to London

Today I got my confirmed itinerary for my trip to London. I should be excited about going for training there, considering how I would never have got the chance if I were still teaching. But I am not. And that's because I hate the cold. Cold weather makes me depressed. I can't think, it's an effort to smile and all I want to do is eat and keep warm and go home. So how I am going to survive 2 weeks of winter I do not know.
I also don't know whether to share accommodation with my colleague or not. One the one hand, it might be company but what I am afraid of is that it will be such an effort to have to smile and be friendly because I know I will not feel like it. I would prefer to turn the heater on and stay in my room. The other thing is the accommodation itself. I don't want to stay in a B&B or a hotel because I will go crazy if I had only 1 room in which I had to stay for 2 weeks. At least with an apartment, there will be a living room that I could come out into and walk around. But the apartments cost more and I will have to pay for the extra out of my dwindling pocket so....

Ah well... this is another case of having to let go and let God. I am sure He will show me a place to stay & keep me in good spirits. I will focus on the exciting things like getting to see Rohan again & getting to see Cambridge & maybe do some shopping?

The Meaning of my Blog Title

Ok so my more blog-savvy student tells me that it is customary to explain the name of my blog. And hey, of course I must do whatever must be done...

I feel drawn to 2 things in nature - trees and the sea. And i was really torn between the 2 images. But then i remembered that some of my fave quotes were abt trees.

• When i think about God's plans for me I remember Ps 1:3 - that i will be nourished by the waters that God sends to pass over my roots, that i must do God's work in the proper season when it is requird of me & God's promise that i will not wither (Aagh..!)
• When i feel frustrated as a teacher i remember that i am called "to plant trees under whose shade i should not hope to rest".
• when i face tough times, i pray that i will be serene and rest in the Lord (though this is my weak point, really - I am more likely to obsess abt it, call all my friends to complain, cry a lot etc...) and read this verse that hangs in my office cubicle

" May I find serenity

in sun and shadow.

May I bend

with the winds of adversity

yet never break.

May I grow

through all the seasons

of my life

in dignity and grace.

May I reach ever upward

toward the stars."

- Emily Ashton Tipton

So, that's why my blog is called what it is !

Yay! I did it!

I am so very proud of myself! I too have a blog! I am proud of me! Now all those people who sigh when I want to share my wisdom and my opinions can heave a sigh of relief because I can do it all on my blog and they will be spared :) And yes, my dear daughters, I have a new avenue through which I can now send you my loaded messages when I desperately want to tell you what you should be doing but have to restrain myself.