Blues...

I have been struggling to be cheerful this past week. A number of things have gotten me down. Work is foremost. I am still adjusting to the changes in the office and somehow going to work has not been as fun this year. I miss Carol for the clear sense of direction she gave. This year I seem to have to find my own paths and that unsettles me. I miss Jeff for his sense of humour, his wisdom and I didn’t realise how much I miss Wah Jiam till I saw him at the workshop last week. I miss Saro for her quirkiness and the laughter. Sigh… I have come to the sad realisation that it is people who make the office and I have been happy these past 3 years because I enjoyed the company and not really because I enjoyed the work.

The workshop I conducted last week caused a lot of stress for me, because I did not feel we had prepared as much as we should have. I just feel that if Carol and Jeff had been around we would have done a more thorough job with the workshop. But I guess it was an experience we had to go through and maybe our preparations for the next one would be better. It didn’t help that my TESOL Module 2 exam is this week. I feel sorely unprepared for it, but I’m working on it now and I think I should be ready.

Physically, I have felt quite drained as well. I have developed a tennis elbow (!) and cooking is becoming a painful activity on some days. Some days it is fine and some days it hurts and I am not sure what I should do about it as there doesn’t seem to be any long term solution for it. I think my body is just slowing down – back aches, knees ache, heel aches and now elbow aches. Even the exam is a problem because I discovered during the last exam that I can’t write as fast as I used to be able to and I just have to stop and rest my hand.

Time to remind myself of my favourite verse – “Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you…” (Isaiah 46:4). I have taken a half day off tomorrow before my exam in the evening & I’m just going to REST!

"The Painted Veil"

Yesterday I watched the movie “The Painted Veil”. It’s based on a novel by the same name by Somerset Maugham (once described as the best second rate British author – because he is extremely readable but you don’t feel you’re reading trash because his writing has enough depth to keep you thinking.. ha ha). And I think the same could be said of the movie – it is light enough and not an you-have-to-be-focused-or-you’ll-miss-the-plot kind of movie (think ‘Syriana’) or epic and large like “The Lord of the Rings’ movies. But still intelligent and nuanced enough to make it the kind of movie you can talk about with people (you know, without prefacing your discussion with “I don’t know WHY I went to watch the movie, but… just to save face and keep people from writing you off as an idiot :)

Well, I enjoyed the movie. There – I’ve said it. I think it’s the most nuanced movie I’ve seen in a while (sigh… may be, because all that I get to see are Tamil movies on tv on Saturday nights… sad life). What was interesting was the complexity of emotions, the layered characterisation and oh, the gorgeous cinematography! But portrayal of tensions within the main characters (Naomi Watts & Edward Norton) was really interesting, especially the way their relationship actually develops in the reverse, from enmity, anger and disappointment in the initial stages of the marriage to slow growth of appreciation of the other, acceptance and love. The historical and political turmoil of China against which the story is set, is an interesting angle as well and China comes across not just as the setting for the story but a real place with real issues and contributing to the bewilderment, isolation and final acceptance felt by the characters as well.

The movie got me thinking. It made me realise again that behind every human mistake there is a story of weakness and need. That human beings are complex. And people are capable of much more sacrifice, love and forgiveness than we think possible. Hmmm... I wonder what the title means...

Goings, Comings and the In Betweens

It's been a really long time since I wrote. And as I think over the past month or so, everything seems to be defined by people going somewhere or coming back or coming and then going again...

Where do I begin? First we went to Laos - Rubhi and I, and it was a wonderful trip. Met new people whom I enjoy meeting again in church - that somehow makes me feel more connected, more a part of SJSM. And I had a defining moment of God's grace - an assurance from God, that teaching is the gift He has given me and that there is a purpose to my life. It was a wonderful realisation for me because I had been searching for a sense of purpose the whole of last year. Reading 'The Purpose-driven Life' did not help as I did not see things fall into place as described in the book and I also was left feeling unsatisfied after the book was done by my cell group as I felt that the questions that mattered to me had not been answered. But when I walked into the classroom in Kutsamphat, I had a strong feeling that felt like I had come home! I looked at the faces of the children, the familiar blackboard and had a strong feeling in my heart that this was it - this is what I was created to do, this was God's gift to me, the way I could be of use to another human being. I can't describe fully the joy this realisation brought to me! So what do I do now? Sitting in MOE, on the way to becominga Specialist and far away from the classroom! I don't know. But I do know that God's purposes do not come to nothing. There is a reason for my stint in MOE and at His appointed time, He will put me back in the classroom to do His appointed work and I will do it all the better because of the time I have spent in MOE. So I wait.

Then my darling Jennani came back - on the same evening that Rubhi and I came back from Laos. And it was a mad swirl of activities. Shopping for Christams, celebrating Christmas, going away for a family weekend in JB. It was fun. This Christmas was a truly blessed one. Rubhi was baptised and we used the occasion to invite the extended family to church for the baptism and then lunch at our place. It was wonderful to have Sitha and Mala with the kids attend Christmas service with us. It would have been wonderful to have had the whole clan, but all in God's time. Pastor Joshua's sermon spoke right into my heart. And I was really surprised when Durai said after the service that he had enjoyed the sermon. It's an important lesson I will treasure in all my dealings with people and when I deal with myself - that there is a Gomer and a Mary in all of us! And with God's grace, we can grow to be more like Mary :)

Then dear dear Ian came back from Perth. He is truly a wonderful brother in Christ. I was touched by the outpouring of love that I saw and heard. Everybody loves the Dierdens! They have given so much of themselves, been so much a part of the youths' lives that their absence was felt most keenly and when we welcomed them back for a couple of weeks it was clear that there just wasn't enough time for them to meet all the people who wanted to spend time with them! Durai, Jen and I went to the Fireplace (where they were staying) to have breakfast last Friday before they left. It was great fun but on hindsight I wish we had talked more about them and less about ourselves! What a blessed life. Wow Lord, help me to have the same love, humility, genuine-ness that radiates from that family. They have touched so many lives that I can truly say that when I think of them, I see most clearly of all, what a Christ-centred life looks like.

Then the Dierdens went away to Laos on Sunday. The number of people who turned up at the airport was unbelievable. When Ian and family walked around, there was an entourage of young and old people in their wake! As I said to Cecelia, it was as if we were trailing behind a celebrity! And when Ian gave his farewell speech, I thought I was going to cry. Me! An almost 50 year old! But I was moved, not just by the sense of loss I felt, but also overwhelmed by the love that I could feel in Ian's voice. All I can say now is Lord, bless and keep this family in your loving hands for they have been instruments of Your love and peace to many.

Then I heard yesterday that half a prayer has been answered! Maya has got a job at NUH and she will be coming in August to work for a year here! Praise God! And I say half a prayer because I had prayed for the whole family to come to Singapore to work (and not just for a year, but permanently!) but Owen will be staying back. So it will be Maya, Rohan and Yati who will be here. And dear God, in this I am trusting in Your wisdom. I believe that all doors open at Your will and close at Your will. How this year will impact the family, I do not know. But I do know that in Your sovereign will all things will work out to the good of those who believe. So we will enjoy this year and trust You in all things. Amen!

Going to JC - the next "going" in our family - Rubhi's milestone. She has joined ACJC and seems to be enjoying herself so far. It means that she comes home later these days and I am thankful that the college is within walking distance so she isn't spending hours travelling. But it's a new experience for her and in a way, I feel we have reached the last educational stage in our family as after this, it's the university, career choices and all the other different kinds of excitement that come along. But Rubhi has had an eventful 2 months - from the joy of getting good results for the Prelims, to the stress and exhaustion of the 'O' levels, to the affirmation of baptism on Christmas Day and Confirmation last weekend! And Pastor Rennis said what was on my mind - that this child was characterised by the joy she radiates. Dear Lord, keep her joyful in Your service and love.

The final going away has been Jennani's. She flew back after the Christmas break and even as I write this, she is somewhere between Narita and Dulles on a long, long flight. I am so proud of the way she has grown to fight her fear of flying. She doesn't allow it to paralyse her but faces it. And Father God, You are so so gracious that it takes my breath away sometimes. That our smallest of prayers are answered. Thank you God for Your journey mercies - I had prayed for clear skies on Sunday, while driving back from the airport after sending Ian off. The dark clouds, wind and rain made it obvious that mid-air turbulence was to be expected and I know how scary that can be even for those without a fear of flying. And yes, though it has been pouring non-stop these days, we have had good weather and clear skies and this mother's heart is a lot less anxious, Father.

And so here I am. Above all, feeling so so thankful Jesus. For all that You have blessed me with. For promises kept. For love I have seen. And assurance that though I may not always see it, Your hand is in all things that happen... The reminder that "The Lord will watch over your coming and going, both now and forever more" (Psalm 21:8). Amen.