Not-So-Simple Rule #4: 3Fs = Pass

So here is the long-awaited Rule #4 :)

Contrary to conventional exam grading systems, my daughters, 3 Fs would be a good checklist to rate potential boyfriends to see if he passes.

1.Faith - I am sure you saw this one coming, right? I cannot emphasise enough, how important this is. This is so important that a guy who doesn't share your faith shouldn't even be a blip on your radar! :) When God called the Israelites out of Egypt and made a covenant with them, He was very clear on this - when you go into the land I give you, do not marry the people of the land. And a major reason for this was that God knew that when His children marry those who worship other gods, it would just be a matter of time before they started adopting the rituals, practices, thoughts and behaviours of their spouses. Because you WILL compromise.

This is not an old-fashioned, narrow minded rule like the practices of some communities who want marriages to be within the same ethnic group or caste. Dating someone who shares your faith is important because when you are dating, you will be vulnerable. The dating phase is when many young people compromise on who they are and how they usually behave and what they prefer, because the desire to please the other person and win his approval is very great (hence the importance of Rule #1). So it will start with small things like feeling awkward saying grace before you eat because he doesn't. Then it will extend to other areas like not talking about God or not giving glory to God for things that happen because it will seem awkward. Then you will start bringing in God only when there are problems - like saying "Oh I will pray about that." instead of God being a vital part of your lives together. And as you get more and more involved in the relationship, you will give up more and more and by the time you get to the wedding, you will be ready to not even have a Christian ceremony because of how awkward it will all be. Marriage preparation claseses? Not a hope! Getting a pastor to marry you? No way that is going to happen!

Ask yourself - are there aspects of your date's faith that you hide from Christian friends or fudge when you talk to your pastor? Is your date's relationship with God something you talk about? If not, why? Is God in the middle of your conversations? Or do you say you will pray about issues on your own, away from each other? If you don't talk about God as a couple and how God is changing you or what God is teaching you and marvel at how God is growing you as a couple, do you think things will change after marriage? Are you and your date just great together or are you great together because you see God's Hand in your lives every day? These are important questions you need to ask and pause to ask yourself why if you answer them in the negative.

2. Family - Another F to consider is how the guy you like relates to his family, how he reacts to your family, what his family thinks of you and what your family thinks of him. Once you start dating, you are likely to become so wrapped up in each other that you will begin to think that the only thing that matters is the two of you. While this may be true early in your relationship, you will soon find that familial relationships will begin to intrude in many ways. How the guy you date relates to his family is important because it will tell you what his attitude towards familial relationships are - how he treats his parents and his siblings will give you a very good indication of how he will treat your parents and siblings and how he will treat you and your children in the future. Also ask yourself how your family feels about him as a person and be willing to hear them out without becoming defensive. Your family knows you in ways even you may not know yourself and they might see aspects of your relationship that you are blind to. If you hide aspects of your date from your family or are ashamed to tell your family about some things, then that should be a warning to you that all may not be right. If you hide something from your family because you think they would not approve of him or accept him if they knew this, then, my daughters you really should drop this guy like a hot potato :) Watch closely when his family members speak of him or to him - because like your family, his family knows him well too and what is left unsaid can sometimes mean a great deal.

3. Friends - This is one barometer you should consult as well before you embark on a steady relationship. Does he introduce you to his friends and do they like him? Are you eager to introduce him to your friends and do they like him? A sure sign that this may not be the guy for you is if your friends feel uncomfortable around him or if he does not introduce his friends to you. If in dating him you find yourself drawing away from your own circle of friends, beware! The friends you knew and enjoyed spending time with before you knew him are a valuable part of your life. If your date feels uncomfortable around them, it should be a sign to you that things are not all that they seem to be. The guy you date should encourage you to spend time with your friends and he should have a circle of friends that he continues to keep in touch with. Dating does not mean seeing only each other exclusively. Such exclusivity will result in you having only one perspective of any situation that arises - his. Your friends should be able to welcome the guy you are dating into their company and enjoy his presence without a feeling of constraint. Mutual friends are important and you should feel comfortable with his best friends too. If the guy you date begins to find fault with your friends or forces you to choose between him and your friend, alarm bells should ring, my daughters.

So, my daughters, check for the 3 Fs before you decide that this is the one, for they will give you a pretty good indication as to whether you should commit :)

My First Glog

Hey Prav - this one is for you! I created a glog at the workshop I attended today! Here it is. The techno-cavewoman has evolved :)

In God's Waiting Room

Every now and then, things stop happening in my life and God puts me in His waiting room. Right now is one such time.

There are many ways to describe it; I used to think of it as being "in limbo". But yesterday, in a counselling course I attended, I was asked to define what "being in limbo" feels like. And I realised that "in limbo" does not accurately capture how I feel like now. Because being in limbo comes from the Roman Catholic theology that believes that "limbo" is where innocent souls like babies or virtuous people who lived before Christ came, live. "In limbo" also seems to imply some kind of neglect or confinement. And I realise that that is NOT how I feel. So I shall stop using that phrase.

I do not feel that I am waiting for the release of God's grace and mercy. I certainly do not feel that God is neglecting me. On the contrary I know that although God is silent right now, He is with me. Definitely with me, on my side, in God's Waiting Room.

It is not a comfortable place to be for me. Because I am by nature a scheduled person. I like to plan, I live by my calendar, I am an obsessive to-do list maker. So it is hard not knowing what to do next. Do I apply for Professional Development Leave? Do I do a course? Shall I opt for part time work and study? What work is there for me to do next year? There are no answers.

But I have been looking back at my journal, looking for what God has been speaking into my life. And this I know - He has grown me in this area of my life in a sure way. Where I used to fret, and plead and ask a hundred questions and ask for advice from anyone willing to listen, I now have learnt to be still and wait. The Waiting Room of God can be a frustrating place to be, but I am learning that God has been growing me in small, sure ways to come to a point of complete trust in Him. I have not reached that place yet. But I know He will keep me in this Waiting Room until I do. But He is sitting here with me, patiently.

Today, in church, I heard Him again. Pastor Laura shared a vision of a tunnel with a glimmer of light at the end though the light seems far away. And she spoke the same words I sensed in my heart - that God was asking me to trust Him,to not worry about the journey ahead, to accept just enough light for the step I am on, no more.

So that is where I am - in God's Waiting Room. Not in limbo, but held in His hands, listening in anticipation, trusting that God who loves me immeasureably more than my human mind can imagine, knows exactly what is there in my tomorrows.