I'M BAAAAACK!!!!

I'm back!!! Yay! Nuff said. I'm baaaaack!!!

Proverbs 16:1

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans today.” I chanced across this quote today and it spoke deeply to me. How much we take for granted and how often we assume that we will actually do all the things we blithely plan to do. The tyranny of ‘the to-do list’.

But sometimes you are blind-sided by events that turn over the predictability of your daily life. An event is cancelled, it rains, words are spoken, you miss a bus, a sales person is brusque – and the day seems to be ruined. And then you learn that a sister in Christ has been diagnosed with breast cancer and you stop. And I am back at the question I thought I had stopped asking – why, God?

So what are you going to do today? What are your plans for the weekend? I don’t know. And does God speak? Yes. I found this blog. And I am reminded "To man belongs the plans of the heart, but from the Lord comes the reply of the tongue." (Prov 16:1)

Quiz: What Kind of a Friend are You?

Haha.. found this quiz and feel so affirmed by it that I thought I should let you all know that this quiz thinks I am a good friend... :) I am a quiz junkie. In addition to being a spa junkie. And a chocolate junkie. I am doomed...

You Are A Good Friend

You're always willing to listen Or lend a shoulder to cry on You're there through thick and thin Many people consider you their "best friend"!

What Kind of Friend Are You?

2nd Anniversary of My Blog

I began this blog on 5 Oct 2005. Exactly 2 years later I was writing about how I have come to care less and less about what others think. It's Happy 2nd Anniversary to my blog!! Yay!! And to all my faithful readers (errr... how many of you are there? 3? 4?) thank you for stopping to read my rantings. It came as a bit of a surprise to me really that it has really been 2 years since I started to blog - and of course it is, because this blog was almost the first thing I started to do after Jen went to the US.

I think this blog has been a blessing to me. I have wanted to write for a long time but a novel or a short story seems a daunting project to embark on and I didn't feel senior enough to start on an autobiography. So this blog has been ideal - for random thoughts, for sharing bits of daily happenings, for reflection - without there being a need for "a beginning, a middle and an end". I wish more of you would leave comments though, as I see on the many blogs I surf. Some of these blogs have a real conversation going and I find that really interesting. Some times, the comments are emailed to me or said when we meet and in a way that is not the same. But it doesn't really matter. I wonder if this thought is just the longing of a writer for feedback from her readers? I know I have read stories of writers skulking around in libraries, cafes and bookshops trying to hear what people are saying about their books - so maybe this is just part of the same need to feel I am connecting with someone? :)

Blogging has opened a new world for me. I surf other blogs and find really interesting stuff out there - blogs on anything from proud mummies blogging about their newborns (honestly, I don't know how they find the time to photograph the baby, post the photo and write about what the baby did EVERYDAY!! This is a breed of supermums! When I had my babies all I wante d to do was sleep!) to blogs on travel, food (omg have you seen the photos of food people post? Droolsome!) to religious blogs to..... The mind boggles. While I enjoy surfing and reading other people's blogs, I don't like anonymous comments being left on my blog. I know I can easily block that but I do have friends who aren't very IT-savvy and I don't want to intimidate them if they should want to leave a comment. I must say though that so far I have been quite lucky that I didn't get strange ones asking me to go to some shady place or other - just one who recommended a spa in Batam and another who told me about a website with packing lists.. hahaha. [Oh drat. Now that I have mentioned Batam and spa I am going to attract all the weirdos in the world who google for this back at my blog again. Yuuuk!]

The other interesting thing about blogging is the way you get to meet people from the other side of the world. That's how I met Jon who chatted on my tag board and more recently someone from the US who has a blog on midlife crisis and chanced upon my blog and asked to link it to hers as well. Now those were the ok bits of blogging.

And of course, blogging is a wonderful way to just get things off your chest. Well not ALL things because I also keep a journal and that is where my really private thoughts go, but this blog has been a way for me to tell my family and friends what I've been doing. It's also a bit like a monologue and I get to talk uninterrupted... hahaha.

Anyway, happy 2nd anniversary my dear blog. You have helped me grow.

Sharing My List

I love lists - checklists, to do lists, travel packing list - I love them. And of course you could have guessed that from the lists on my blog :) So when the big 5-oh loomed on the horizon, I just needed a checklist - of things I should do, things I have dreamt of doing, things I wish I could do... the possibilities were vast.

I asked Jen to buy a book that sounded really promising, which I couldn't find in the stores here. It's called 'Fifty Things To Do When You Turn Fifty' [Ronnie Sellers (ed)] - trouble is I was 49 when Jen bought it for me & I still haven't finished reading it... haha.. Then I began surfing for more of those kind of lists and was amused to find that I am not the only one who makes lists. There were quite a number like this one and this..

Well I picked this list to check my own wishlist against and this is my report card so far:

Things To Do When / Before You are Fifty

1. Be Adventurous: Embark on a new experience. Travel to new destinations. YES! This is the reason I am going to China. It was one of the countries I had declared I will never go to but here I am going to China in 11 days' time. And it will be new experience because I will be travelling with my sisters on a tour that I planned from scratch!
   
2. Adopt Something - Hmmm...Still thinking about this one. I was going to adopt a child in Laos through World Vision but I haven't gotten far with the plan beyond making inquiries.
   
3. Reconnect with a Friend - Hey Siong! This is you! And She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named :) And Andrew Chua Seng Lay :)
   
4. Scare Yourself: Almost anything qualifies, but it doesn't mean you have to be a daredevil. Errr... does watching 'Ghost Whisperer' count?? I hate horror movies and that programme is as close as I am going to get to anything scary. Maybe one day I will bungee jump....
   
5. Realize a Dream: It's never too late to realize a dream. Visit a place that's called to you or start a new career. This is a tough one. The places that call to me are the Holy Land and Europe, but I don't see this happening in the near future. New career? Hmmm... I guess I did try a new career by going to MOE but I can hardly call it my dream job... Hahaha..
   
6. Learn Something New: YES! I have learnt to blog! I got onto Facebook! I bought a PDA! The world of technology is waiting to be discovered....
   
7. Change your Hair: Wait a minute. Let's not get carried away here.I called my friend at 11pm and cried when I first cut my hair short the way it is now, in 1995. Change my hair???
   
8. Keep Your Medical Tests Current: Boring but necessary, I admit. Mammo done, PAP done, maybe the cholesterol needs checking....
   
9. Discover Yourself: Get to know your family as people, not relatives, write a letter to your kids (or other family members) telling them the most important things you've learned. And then ask them to write one to you. This is my favourite. I have been trying really hard to have authentic conversations. But I have also learnt that it is easier said than done and that not every one is ready. So this blog is my way of telling my children, my family and my friends who Vara is. And if you would tell me who you are, I promise to listen.
   
10. Do A Good Deed: Perform a random act of kindness. Treat someone anonymously. Yes. Enough said.

I Don't Care Much

I read an article recently that resonated with me. Like the author, as I near fifty, I too find that I don’t care about many things. I feel a sense of recklessness, a sense of liberation and telling my inner voice to shut up is curiously satisfying. And this comes from this sense I have that I increasingly care very little about what people think of me!!!

And I realise that this feeling has kept many women paralysed for very long. From the time we are young girls, we are told to behave ourselves because “what would people think of you if they saw / heard….” Who are these people I now wonder? Who are these nameless faces who have been standing at the edges of my life condemning my moments of silliness, my social gaffes, my failures? And how is it that I never did hear their approval despite me having followed the rules? How is it that these “people” have not stopped other women from living dangerous lives?

The time has come I think, when I am going to reclaim myself from these “people”. The time has come for me to know myself fully and wholly. And to do the things I want to do, go to places I want to see, speak when I want to, be silent when I want to, attend functions that I wish to go to, be with the people I appreciate and who make me happy, eat food that I crave and to say, no thank you.

If at all I have learnt anything, I have learnt by now, what is important and what isn’t, what I should listen to and when I should laugh at myself and at others. Because, hey, those “people” who were supposed to be watching me and judging me and looking at what I wear and where I go and what I do? They truly don’t care!!!! :)

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us." - Emerson

To Party or Not to Party?

I have been in two minds over having a party for my 50th. A month ago I came really close to deciding I wasn't going to have a party after all. But now so many plans have been made, money paid for food and venue and all my sisters have either arrived or are on their way and some of the invites have gone out so I guess I just have to go through with it.

I have been trying to understand why I keep worrying about it. One part of me has wanted to celebrate my 50th from the time I was 48 - and of course that was when the sisters decided they would all come here in 07. But there is a part of me that feels more diffident. I feel rather shy and actually understand why D was feeling this way before his party too.

One reason I wanted to have a birthday party was because I wanted to put to rest this desire I have had for a long time - I cannot remember having a birthday party as a child. In fact the one birthday party I do remember was one that never happened. We were living in Kampong Tengku then and I had invited 1 friend from school and my cousin Jaya. My mum had made some bhajji but there was no cake and I remember feeling quite embarrassed that I would have no cake if my friend from school came. Well she didn't and Jaya was brought by her mum at 8.30pm, by which time I had given up hope that the birthday was going to be celebrated. That's one birthday I remember because of all the anticipation I had built up and then nothing happened. I guess it was because celebrating birthdays wasn't a thing in my family, then... I don't really remember.

The next birthday I remember was my 21st birthday. And that was a bizarre affair and I can only explain it to myself now as a severe case of terribly low esteem :) I ordered the cake (a really nice big one in the shape of a key) and I invited my friends from NIE and D and his friend. But on the morning of the birthday, I called everyone and cancelled it. There was just so much to do in terms of getting food, plates etc and I just couldn't handle it and I was struck by a severe case of self pity that I was doing all this for myself :) I can't remember what excuse I gave but I just couldn't carry on with the party. But D and his friend still came as they had already bought a present and thought that they would just come and give it to me even though there was no party. Come to think about it, that was quite sweet. So anyway, I cut the huge cake with 2 friends, my nephew and my niece and that was my 21st. And I was miserable after that too.

I have had other birthdays since then - all celebrated by my in-laws - and the usual way I celebrate it is to go out with my family. So if I were to psychoanalyse myself I wonder if my reluctance to have a party is still a case of low self esteem? I feel self conscious, as if I would be drawing attention to myself. And I wonder if people would come. And if people would have fun. And what would we do?

Then the other half of me that wants to have a party reminds me that what I want to celebrate is not myself but God in my life. Why I feel like celebrating is because as I look back at what I have come through and look forward to what lies ahead, I am overwhelmed and can't help but marvel at the grace I have seen in every phase of my life. And that is what I want to share with my family and friends. This half of me thinks, this is what God has done in my life and I deserve to celebrate it. This half thinks, 50 is half a century. Wow.