To Party or Not to Party?

I have been in two minds over having a party for my 50th. A month ago I came really close to deciding I wasn't going to have a party after all. But now so many plans have been made, money paid for food and venue and all my sisters have either arrived or are on their way and some of the invites have gone out so I guess I just have to go through with it.

I have been trying to understand why I keep worrying about it. One part of me has wanted to celebrate my 50th from the time I was 48 - and of course that was when the sisters decided they would all come here in 07. But there is a part of me that feels more diffident. I feel rather shy and actually understand why D was feeling this way before his party too.

One reason I wanted to have a birthday party was because I wanted to put to rest this desire I have had for a long time - I cannot remember having a birthday party as a child. In fact the one birthday party I do remember was one that never happened. We were living in Kampong Tengku then and I had invited 1 friend from school and my cousin Jaya. My mum had made some bhajji but there was no cake and I remember feeling quite embarrassed that I would have no cake if my friend from school came. Well she didn't and Jaya was brought by her mum at 8.30pm, by which time I had given up hope that the birthday was going to be celebrated. That's one birthday I remember because of all the anticipation I had built up and then nothing happened. I guess it was because celebrating birthdays wasn't a thing in my family, then... I don't really remember.

The next birthday I remember was my 21st birthday. And that was a bizarre affair and I can only explain it to myself now as a severe case of terribly low esteem :) I ordered the cake (a really nice big one in the shape of a key) and I invited my friends from NIE and D and his friend. But on the morning of the birthday, I called everyone and cancelled it. There was just so much to do in terms of getting food, plates etc and I just couldn't handle it and I was struck by a severe case of self pity that I was doing all this for myself :) I can't remember what excuse I gave but I just couldn't carry on with the party. But D and his friend still came as they had already bought a present and thought that they would just come and give it to me even though there was no party. Come to think about it, that was quite sweet. So anyway, I cut the huge cake with 2 friends, my nephew and my niece and that was my 21st. And I was miserable after that too.

I have had other birthdays since then - all celebrated by my in-laws - and the usual way I celebrate it is to go out with my family. So if I were to psychoanalyse myself I wonder if my reluctance to have a party is still a case of low self esteem? I feel self conscious, as if I would be drawing attention to myself. And I wonder if people would come. And if people would have fun. And what would we do?

Then the other half of me that wants to have a party reminds me that what I want to celebrate is not myself but God in my life. Why I feel like celebrating is because as I look back at what I have come through and look forward to what lies ahead, I am overwhelmed and can't help but marvel at the grace I have seen in every phase of my life. And that is what I want to share with my family and friends. This half of me thinks, this is what God has done in my life and I deserve to celebrate it. This half thinks, 50 is half a century. Wow.