We're Back!

Rubhi and I are back in one piece from Laos. It was a great experience and I'm really glad I went even though there was one night when I was on the verge of tears and I told God I'm never coming back :) That was the night we stayed in the village that ARDA has adopted. It was definitely my worst night in recent memory. We all came back from our night in the village all grubby and in a foul mood and agreeing that Singapore was paradise on earth.

Actually I feel I gained more than I gave. Teaching in the village was a huge challenge and I felt seriously unequipped but what was wonderful was the way the kids were so thirsty to learn. They were like sponges! And it was not just the young ones - even the teachers would hang outside the classrooms listening and repeating whatever I taught the kids. And during the break, the older teens came to learn the same lessons! I just wish we had had more teachers on the team and we could have taken more classes!

I was also blessed by the affirmation I received from God during the trip. I have been praying for a while now about what my life was all about. Maybe it's mid-life crisis - but I've been feeling dissatisfied and feeling that my life didn't make much sense & really thinking about what I want to do with the rest of my life. Part of the reason why I applied to be posted to MOE was also because I wanted to try something else. But the trip to Laos was a real affirmation for me that what God has called me to do is really teach. The first day I walked into the village classroom, I had an overwhelming feeling that I was home! And the morning after our uncomfortable night in the village I was really sick but when I started teaching I just didn't feel the headache, the runny nose and the aching joints at all & hardly noticed the hour going by. So I feel really blessed and it feels strange that I went to be a blessing but return feeling more blessed :) But I'm quite confused as well because my posting in MOE has been extended for 3 years till 2009 so I seem even further away from teaching! Oh well...

Interesting Poem

"When I walk to the edge
of all the light I have
and take that step into
the darkness of the unknown
I believe one of two things will happen.

There will be something
solid for me to stand on
or I will be taught to fly."

Doing Small Things Faithfully

Some days I think I don't have the strength to do God's will. I feel He asks too much of me and I'm overwhelmed by my human-ness. Sometimes I respond with resignation and say "I can't do that"; sometimes I get angry with Him and say "It was easier when I wasn't a Christian. You ask me to do such difficult things." But God takes all my nonsense and patiently waits till I am ready to obey. Because after all the struggle I have to accept that it is the right thing to do.

Today Pastor Stanley talked about much the same thing in his sermon - CHOOSING to walk through the narrow gate because that is the road that will lead to Christ; CHOOSING to bear fruits that are worthy of Christ. But I'm struggling, even now, to obey. To give up self-indulgence, immediate self-gratification - for the unseen promise of eternity that can only come with self-denial and discipline.

It is a daily choice to obey. A daily choice to keep your mind, spirit and body sanctified for God's use. It is a difficult struggle for me - especially at times when I feel time is running out, another year has passed & I have yet to see the fruits of my obedience.

But God is asking me to leave my tomorrows and my yesterdays in His hands. To just be faithful where I am today. Words I read in The Sunday Times today come to mind - "measure success by whether we do good, rather than whether we do well".... To do small things that draw attention to God rather than big things that draw attention to ourselves. So I need to ask how I can turn my gaze from looking inward to looking more upward and outward. To do small things faithfully - like the driver of a taxi I got into yesterday... Just above each door handle of his taxi he had printed "Knock and the door shall be open to you". How marvellous - a simple message, but what a wonderful opportunity to begin a conversation with any passenger who asks and to share the gospel.I have much to learn, Lord.

Going to Laos

I took a DEEEEP breath and said yes. Yes I will go to Vientiane, Laos with the small team that is going on 10 Dec. My first short-term mission trip....

I'm still full of misgivings. Chief concern is the cost because it costs twice what I thought it would. But $700 is still better than the $960 which was the original cost of going to Luang Prabhang, so I guess God has given me a discount :) I'm praying that the church will give some sort of subsidy... My second worry is where we will stay. The leader says - in a guesthouse - but I have no idea what that would be like. If it's rustic, that's ok, but will I have a hot shower & a decent bed? It seems so bratty to be thinking these things. Aren't I supposed to be focusing on the mission & not my bodily comfort? But gosh, will my achy back take it? I know one thing about myself - I can walk anywhere and do all sorts of sweaty, dirty things so long as I can come back to a hot shower and bed at the end of the day! Then, there is the food. I see from the websites that the Lao people eat sticky rice and fish as their staple food. Sticky rice I can handle. Fish???!! And then Angie mentioned, oh so casually, that many of the children have lice. At that point, I said, God, am I hearing You right? You sure I'm supposed to be going?

So my dears, pray for me. God has got to carry me through this one. And Rubhi, I'm SOOO glad you're coming. When I start crying, remind me that I WANTED to come, ok? :)

Priceless!

Jennani's face says it all! Definitely a Hariharan Family moment! Who else but me and my sisters would do this! Yay zap zap tummy! :)

The Reason I Want to go to London NOW!

Resuscitated by CPR!

I had a wonderful 3 days away with God by myself. I attended a Contemplative Prayer Retreat (CPR!) held at The Montfort Centre off Bukit Timah Road. I didn’t even know the place existed!

I kept asking myself before I went, whether I was ready for it? I imagined that this was the kind of thing that mature Christians who had walked with God for a long time, would do. I didn’t sign up until the last day (because I was secretly thinking that as there were limited places, maybe they might all be taken up…) but looking back, I think the place was reserved for me by God’s Hand – because everyone else at the Retreat had signed up with a friend and there was only one other person (bless you Karen) who had signed up alone. So of course there was room for me at the inn!

And of course, that was another worry for me – who would I be sharing a room with? How do I spend 2 nights with a stranger (not forgetting my famous snores that only my husband and daughters can sleep through…)? So many questions. Right till the morning before I left I was still debating whether I should go. The only reason I went was that I got little sympathy from all the ones I moaned to. Rubhi just rolled her eyes and said “MOMMM!” in an exasperated way, Cecelia laughed at me and was amazed that I had never shared a room with a stranger and wise Mary said “Just show up. That’s all God asks.” And so, show up I did and guess what? God showed up too!!!

I had forgotten how sweet it is to heed God’s call to “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest” (Mark6:31). I had last gone on a contemplative retreat in 1994! It was a one day retreat led by Joyce Hugget when I was still with MCI. I had forgotten how close to God I had felt then. So this time at the retreat felt like a reunion, a re-discovery of the times I used to spend just being silent with God.

So, I am back. Feeling loved. Assured that I am forgiven. Resuscitated by CPR.

Celebrating Deepavali at the Office

We had a pre-Deepavali fashion show at the office on the eve of Deepavali. The gals I am with are Saroja & Chitra who both work with me. And no that messy cubicle at the back is not mine. Mine's worse! :)

Art with new eyes

Last week was an interesting week for me. On Friday, I attended a pre-forum workshop on art appreciation organised for principals at Commonwealth Sec school. It turned out to be more fun than I had imagined. The art teacher at the school was an inspiration. She is retiring this week, yet she had put her heart and soul into organising the workshop and the work done by the students was all there for us to see. Every art piece told a story of perseverance and belief in the ability of each child.

One artpiece especially moved me. It was entitled 'Freedom' and it was an installation piece done bya 15 year old boy from Yusof Ishak Sec Sch. Mounted on a board were plastic gully traps all pieced together - you know, the ones you find in all toilets for water to drain away. When the covers of all the gully traps were closed, you could see a huge picture of Taoist gods painted in dark, gloomy colours but nevertheless done in impressive detail. The piece invites you to handle it, to open the gully traps. And when you do, you see brillo pads - the green ones we use to scrub our pans and the floor. But interspersed with the brillo pads are bible verses! And that got me all defensive & curious. I wanted to see why this boy had done this piece...

Reading his portfolio almost made me cry. It was a record of his spiritual journey. He had detailed in his portfolio how he had been a strong Taoist, steeped in the culture and beliefs of the religion (why the Taoist gods were drawn in such intricate detail). But he had been invited to church by a friend and the more he heard the gospel, the more he felt drawn to Christ. Yet it was a painful struggle and he was caught in a period of time when he felt he believed in both Taoism and Christianity. But God spoke to him (the verses he had put inside some of the gully traps) and he decided to commit himself to Christ. So the choice of the gully traps was to show that before accepting Christ, his life was sinful, dirty (the gloomy colours & the gully traps to symbolise waste) but in Christ he had been washed clean (the brillo pads!) and though he was dirty before, in Christ he is a new creation!

Wow! That took my breath away! I wondered how could a 15-year old have that depth of experience? the awareness of symbolism? I wish I had taken a photo of it so I could post it on my blog. But I feel encouraged - that there are young people who are being reached, young people being called & I pray Lord that this young man will be blessed.

A Bizarre Sunday

Sunday 10th Sept 2006 was a bizarre day. So bizarre that I can’t get it out of my mind. In the morning, I attended the wedding of one of my students. It was an emotional event for me because she had had such a hard childhood and weathered stormy teenage years. To see her as a bride, on the brink of a new phase of her life was a moving moment for me. I was just glad that she had held it all together and built a life for herself. Then, in the afternoon, I had to attend a funeral. Of a 42-year old man who had committed suicide. What hopelessness and despair must have overwhelmed him to the extent that he would take his own life? And how helpless the survivors feel – not knowing what they could have done or said to this man if only they had known… The day ended with the 50th birthday celebration of a dear friend – a surprise organised by friends and family. It was a great evening, spent in the company of old friends, catching up with each others’ lives.

3 life events – a gamut of different emotions. Pride & thankfulness, sorrow & despair, joy & contentment. It seemed as if I had experienced a slice of life.

Lazy Saturdays

I have come to look forward to Saturdays. They are days when I don't have to do anything. No one is at home except me. I read. I talk to God. I surf the net. I nap. I am at peace. There is no to-do list, no expectations and the promise of another day tomorrow before I have to go to work again. It was even better last week when I had Friday off. What bliss!

All this contentment makes me wonder whether I am enjoying my work. My favourite section in the newspaper is the travel section every Tuesday & every day I look at the tours listed in the Classified Ads - and imagine the places I could travel to... I spend quite some time at work thinking about when I can apply for leave again. I just seem to crave a quieter life, a life when I can just be. Of course the harsh reality is that if not for my work (and the salary that brings) I would not be able to have the leisure I am enjoying..... Hah!

An ideal Saturday for me would begin with a long walk in Botanical Gardens. A good long shower followed by a nice latte and toast & the newspapers. Then more coffee and my quiet time. Then a soothing massage followed by a cup of ginger tea before a light salad - to balance all that caffeine I've already poured into my system :). Then home to a blissful nap.If I could then watch a really good movie and have dinner out, it would be a perfect day!!!

One of these Saturdays I'm going to plan this perfect day out for myself.

When storms come

“In the world, you will have tribulations: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33

An average view of Christian life is that it means deliverance from trouble. It is not. It is deliverance in trouble, which is very different.

This was the interesting verse and comment on my desk calendar today. So often, when I am troubled I lose sight of the fact that God never said that my life would be free of trouble. What He did promise was that He would be with me during the trial, that He would never leave me. And that is the difference to Christians.

Think about it – if Christians led ‘charmed’ lives – if we were somehow protected from the troubles that others face, would there be any issue to discuss at all? Everyone would want this God. There would be no questions asked – great relationships, good health, wealth, great bosses… it would be everyone’s dream come true. (And then – would anyone still need God I wonder?) But we are not protected in that way. Instead, Christ tells us that facing troubles is part of the human experience. But He also tells us that it is when we Christians face the tribulations that we become the best witnesses to God that we can be – because it is our chance to show them we are human too. We hurt, we cry, we become angry, we get frustrated. But then we have something else – someone else to turn too. And that makes the difference. We know that when Christ climbed into the boat, the wind died down (Matt 14:32).

Be of good cheer – for He has overcome the world. I may not have the answers. I don’t know why things have to happen to me. But I do know that if I would only be still and trust Him, He will take me through the storm.

Honest Talking

I am feeling a bit sad now. These past 2 days I have felt a lot of hurt in the people around me - because of things that were said and because they did not listen to the things left unsaid. I have listened to the silent assumptions and the words that came out based on those assumptions. And I am reminded of how fragile we all are. So vulnerable to hurt and all that we say and do to protect those little fragile selves. And I am reminded of that old song, 'The Sound of Silence':
And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence
Lord, show me what I must say or do. I want to disturb the sound of silence.

God Keeps His Promise

Today, my heart is full with gratitude and love for God.

Many years ago, in 1994, I asked Him for a blessing. It was a time of my life when I was all messed up and frightened and my greatest fear was what would happen to my daughters. God asked me to act in faith to make a decision that was really difficult. And I prayed for the promise in Isiah 44: 3 –
“Do not be afraid, O Jacob, my servant, whom I have chosen. For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on dry ground; I will pour out my Spirit on your offspring, and my blessing on your descendants. They will spring up like grass in a meadow, like poplar trees by flowing streams. One will say “I belong to the Lord”;… still another will write on his hand, “The Lord’s”..”.

It has been 12 years since I prayed that prayer. And today He brought the memory of that prayer back to me.

This week, my Jennani is spending her spring break putting her hand to God’s work, doing work she has never done before to help build houses. And I have just read Rubhinni’s blog and her faith and understanding of God is so far beyond anything I could have taught her that I know God alone has spoken to her. And Maya is growing slowly, painfully, but so surely as she allows You to guide her. Surely You will use them Lord and grow them – as poplar trees by flowing streams.

God does not forget. I had forgotten that promise I claimed. But You have been so faithful and good that I have no words to thank you. You alone have raised my daughters. Your plans are far wiser and far more wonderful than anything man can achieve. Thank you for the blessing Father. And God, give me the grace to remember this and to trust You the next time You ask me to do difficult things in faith.