Remember that song by The Backstreet Boys which went
" I don't care who you are
Where you're from
What you did
As long as you love me.."
This song exasperated me soooo much! But whenever I opened my mouth to comment R used to roll her eyes. (Well she still rolls her eyes at me now, but that is another story....)
You see, my daughters, what this song suggests is that the only time that matters is NOW. Only the present matters, only how you feel about me now matters. And that as long as there is love, then nothing else matters either. This works out fine in movies and songs, but in real life, you will find, my daughters, that who he was, where he came from and what he did matters a great deal!
Every life experience we have marks us in some way. Life experiences can change a person for the better or worse, entrench attitudes and values in a person, influence the decisions he makes, create situations that would have consequences later and generally form a pattern that informs the person's present life. And it would be foolish of you to ignore the past of the man you date.
Asking questions about your date's past can be a very difficult thing to do. It makes you sound like you are prying and being judgemental. Your date might ask you if you can't accept him the way he is. All of this will make it really awkward and you might be tempted to say you would just let sleeping dogs lie and to look to the future rather than the past. Difficult as it may be, this is one conversation you need to have.
If your date had serious relationships in the past - if he was married before (God forbid!), if he had a long-term relationship of any sort - you need to know and you need to ask how and why it ended. Past relationships will tell you a great deal about the man you are thinking of dating. You need to know why and how the other relationship ended; you need to know what his ex said when the relationship ended; and you need to know what he thinks of this past relationship. You see, my daughters, real life is not a 'Friends' episode. Men and women who have married or been in a long term relationship cannot wipe out the emotional entanglements and effects of the relationship and continue to be friends as if nothing had happended. While the desire to say 'let the past be past and let's start anew' would be very strong, it is important for you to know that the same things that went wrong in the past relationships could go wrong with you.
And, my daughters, if the man you date ever tells you he thinks he isn't good enough for you, stop and listen. Don't rush to console him or brush it aside or try to be magnanimous but stop and ask him why. Sometimes, when men tell you they aren't as "good" as you think they are, there is something there. No one knows his past like he himself does, obviously, and sometimes such statements are a 'test' to see how much you will accept. Sometimes it is a feeble attempt to 'come clean'. So before you brush it off as something that happened long ago or something that will not have an impact on your future, think. Because what he is telling you about his past may not be as paltry as he makes it out to be; and because 'small' transgressions have a way of becoming more exaggerated versions of themselves.
Just as you must not tolerate even the hint of violence in your dating relationship, you must not accept past peccadillos without asking yourself if it hints at a character flaw that could manifest itself again, this time in a way that could be painful for you. Because, my daughters, ghosts of the past don't conveniently stay in the past and I don't want the ones to be haunted to be you!
