Arranged Marriages

For some strange reason, I have been thinking about arranged marriages. And although I was horrified at the prospect of it happening to me 30 years ago, I am beginning to see now that this arrangment actually had some good things going for it.

I received my first 'proposal' when I was 24. I was in university then and I suppose my family must have been getting alarmed at my single status. Anyway, this guy came over with his mother to my sister's place to meet me. My sister pretended that it was just a guy coming over and was wary of making it too obvious that it was in effect a match-making session in progress lest I just upped and left. She tried in oblique ways to get me to wear a sari but I was at my un-cooperative best and played her at her own game by wearing what I would normally wear at home which was a shabby 'pavadai' (a long decidedly unflattering skirt) because it was just a guy coming over, right? No need to get dressed for that! Although I was determined to be un-cooperative, I must say that he was a really nice guy and the afternoon wasn't as horrendous as I imagined it would be. He was, however, a good 7 years older than me and he told his mother that he found me too young and looking back, I am thankful for his good sense for I would have had a hard time battling my family if he had said yes :) Remind me to show you his picture' ok? :)

What got me going down this memory path was a chat with my friend Ruth over breakfast this morning. She has spent a long time in Nepal and she was sharing how many young couples there who have become Christians actually ask their pastors to introduce them to other eligible young Christians as their own parents were still likely not to have accepted Christ. So the Christian pastors there have a network of sorts and look out for eligible young men and women who could be introduced to each other.

And that made me think about a big aspect of dating. Nowadays, dating is very much about the individuals themselves. When couples meet, they spend time getting to know each other but the family almost never enters the picture till much later. In fact, meeting the family is taken to be a big step in the direction of indicating that the relationship is getting more serious. But in arranged marriages, the most important thing is the family.

When looking for a potential groom, the conversations in my family centred around what were the parents like, was the mother of the groom the sort who would look after the daughter-in-law, how many sisters did the groom have and would he have to look after them financially, were there any genetic illnesses in the family, did the parents get on etc. Of course the first thing to be settled was that the family in question was of the same caste and socio-economic class, that the groom was gainfully employed and in the market for a bride. You see, this cut out so much of the angst I see now. The women then did not have to wait and whine about their long-term boyfriend not proposing or not being ready for commitment. The men were ready or else the families would not be looking! There was little doubt over finances, there were no hidden surprises and many issues such as responsibilities after marriage were worked out by the elders.

So based on my ponderings I am in the process of coming up with a guidebook to dating. It will be called '8 Not-so-simple Rules to Dating, My Daughters'. Hahahaha. Look out for the 8 Rules over the next few days! I shall do one rule at a time and you are all welcome to comment and contribute. This seems like such fun and I am sure I will mortify my daughters no end with this plan. Hahahahaha.