God Said "No".

I have been journalling about this so much that I didn't realise I had not blogged about it, until a friend texted me to ask about it. Well, the news is that I didn't get the job in NIE that I was really, really hoping to get :(

It has been hard accepting that news on a few fronts. First of all, I had been so very sure that going back to teach had been God's direction for me. I took my current job only as a short-term posting and had always intended to get back to teaching which I really love. And this position seemed to seal it in the sense that I would be doing 2 things I love - teaching and mentoring young people. I carry in my heart a desire to impact young teachers, to kindle a passion to teach that would survive the daily blahs that come with the job these days. And going to NIE would have meant reaching young English teachers, many of whom get dispirited so early in their teaching careers.

Then of course there was the ego to manage. To be told that I did not have the experience they were looking for was depressing. But it is true. Though I have been teaching for more than 25 years, much of that teaching has been at pre-university level plus my degree is in English Literature. What they wanted was someone with secondary school experience, having taught English language not General Paper and English Literature. So there was a mismatch of expectations. But everyone I had spoken to had been so sure that the job was mine for the asking that I suppose one part of me had begun to believe it as well. My boss was so sure that I would be offered the job that he did not even assign me tasks for next year and had advertised for a replacement! The talk in the office had centred around how things would be managed after I left and what I needed to do to hand over!

So to be turned down has been hard to accept. And I have been feeling a gamut of emotions. A part of me is really sad because I had looked forward so much to teaching again. Then I feel wary - that somehow I have become outdated and perhaps my 'market worth' is not what it used to be. And it is hard to see not getting the job for what it is - that I was not the best person for the job - and seeing it as a rejection of me as a person.

But 3 days ago, I was talking to R and she pointed it out to me - this is God saying no, isn't it? And I have to admit, yes it is. It is God. Humanly speaking there were many reasons why this job should have been mine for the asking - I am far more experienced than the job demanded, 2 out of the 3 interviewers were my personal friends, 1 of the interviewer in fact knows how well the class I teach in NIE is ranked by the trainee teachers, both my bosses were prepared for my departure and had remarked on separate occasions that they were sure NIE would be very happy to have me. In fact I had received an email from 1 of the interviewers in March this year asking me if I would go join them in July this year and I had said no, I will come next year. So after all that, I have to admit that if the answer is no, then it is truly God closing the door. And maybe, that is why my boss could not find someone to take over my post too! God was keeping it for me! Hahahaha.

So I chafe no more. Yes, this door is closed. But I know my loving Father has other doors for me to walk through. He knows my way.