Weighing the Costs

What is the dividing line that determines whether one is being selfish or whether one is taking care of one's needs?

I remember the first flight I took with J as a toddler, to India. I think it honestly was the first time I properly listened to the pre-flight safety announcements. And I remember being surprised and a little indignant at the instruction given, that should the oxygen masks descend, I should attend to myself first before attending to my child. Surely noble sentiments called for me to attend to my child first then myself?

But I have since come to realise the truth of that instruction and its application in many different situations. If I attended to my child first, I might not get round to attending to myself. And I have come to see the wisdom of this approach in other 'helping' situations. When I was burnt-out as a teacher, I became less effective; in spending more and more time marking, counselling and coaching my students I actually helped them less and less, as my quality of marking deteriorated, I became impatient during counselling and just wished the student would move on and reach the resolution that was already so obvious to me :)

In church too I have seen how I need to attend to my own spiritual life first if I were to be an effective witness for Christ. For it is only out of a Spirit-filled life that can I give others. I cannot run on dry. And that meant not filling up my week with Christian courses, cell and other activities and making sure I resist the temptation to fill my precious Saturday mornings - my ME time.

I thank God for showing me the importance of ME time so long ago when the girls were little. Having been at home the whole day, they used to wait for me to come back from work. And this included my helper, Mary, who was desperate for me to come and take over the kids. Cooking dinner was therapy for her :) But me, I used to come home so tired that I needed time to just chill and much as I loved my children, I just needed time to relax a little. I am so glad I heard about Disney's De-Stress Chamber. I am not even sure whether it is true or not, but apparently all employees have to go sit in a special De-Stress Chamber before they go home for the day because being polite and happy all the time is just not normal and it is hard on them. So this 'time-out' gives the employees some time to get the work day out of their system and lets them go home to their families happier.

Well, I tried that and that it the ONE MOST IMPORTANT activity I attribute my sanity to. I told my helper that I would call her when I was coming home and she would need to take the kids into a room and play with them or watch tv for half hour while I showered. After that she did not need to attend to the children for therest of the evening. But I would not go home straight from work! I would go to a nice little park we used to have in front of our old flat and sit there for anything from half hour to an hour. Mostly I would read or pray. Then I would call my helper to say I was coming in 5 minutes and go up, have a shower and then I was ready to be a mummy. Hahaha... it really was a neat arrangement.

Well, I started going down memory lane because I am again thinking about whether what I want to do now is right. I want to take 6 months off work. It wouldn't mean a loss of pay exactly, but it will mean there is less money to go around, because 3 of those months will be on full pay and 3 will be on half-pay. This is a new scheme introduced by the MOE to encourage us to learn. It is called Professional Development Leave and it is a great opportunity. Only thing is I must engage in a professional development activity of some sort - study or work attachment or do research. I want to study and given the finances, Australia seems like my best bet as the exchange rates are better.

But there are other things to consider - the day-to-day running of the household, the finances, the needs of my children, and the question - is it worth it? I would be able to get a Post-graduate Certificate at the end of it, given that is only a 6 month course. On its own, it will add nothing to my career - no recognition or monetary reward. But it is an experience that I think I will enjoy. And it is a good point in my career at which to do this.

So I am asking myself, am I being self-indulgent or am I doing something for myself just because I want to? I would definitely have to take a loan to pay the fees (but MOE will give me an interest-free loan).... Should I save the money I would be spending? Maybe do a part-time course locally instead? But that would be draining as I would not be able to take time off and will have to stay in my job. For what I will be paying in 6 months I will be able to pay for a PhD locally for 2 years...... This has been going round and round in my head this past week.