Hard Pressed

Is there a word to describe to describe  a mixed feeling of trepidation, anxiety and sadness? That's where I am now. The renovation costs are mounting and I realise I had a pathetically naive estimation of costs when I started. The costs have gone way past my budget and I have dug deep into my meagre savings. My flat has become a hard-to-please monster and the performance bonus that made me so happy a month ago has vanished in its deep belly.  And still the work is not done. With every stage of the renovation, new problems seem to surface and yes, I regret having started this project. 

Dragging my spirits further, I have developed pain in my right knee. It is the dreaded osteoarthritis and ligament damage as well. I have spent the last week going first to a GP, then an orthopaedic surgeon in NUH (never again will I see him!) and yesterday a pain management specialist. I had a session of radio-frequency therapy and physiotherapy and am now sitting in bed with my knee taped. I have been told to rest and come back for another session on Monday.

I am feeling overwhelmed. Every day there are decisions to make for the renovation - do I want the light switches relocated? Do I want the window handles replaced? Where do I want the heater to be placed? What are the dimensions of my oven? my fridge? my microwave? Then of course there is work and with my recent promotion I know I am expected to seek out new responsibilities or initiate new ideas. No one makes allowances for personal life crises to affect professional work. The higher up you move, the more you are expected to be able to maintain an even keel. But I am not wired like that. My life flows over. 

When I was feeling particularly overwhelmed last night, I read in The New Paper about a 78 year old woman with bad knees, who has no job and has 6 sons in prison. She eats one meal a day and walks with the aid of an umbrella. And I was reminded that I am still blessed. I have a God to turn to - Jehovah Jireh, my Provider who has always given me enough; and Jehovah Rapha, my Healer, who surely will see me through. But it is a challenge to choose to rejoice in the Lord and trust Him. My pain and the rising bills seem more real than God right now.

Strange Me

Come tomorrow, we would have been in our rented flat for 2 weeks already! I still am not familiar with the neighbourhood and have told myself that this weekend, I must make an effort to walk around.

I have adjusted in some ways and yet to adjust in other ways. I still find the flat too small and there are other things that irk me - the shower is a trickle, my bed is flat against the wall and I don't like climbing over the bed to get into it, there is no place to hang the laundry and it sits propped up on bamboo poles in the middle of the kitchen.

What has surprised me, however, is how I have grown to like my long morning commute! It takes me an hour to get from the flat to my workplace, but I am invariably able to get a seat on the bus, and I have time to think. It is a pleasant journey as the bus meanders through Kallang, Beach Road, Shenton Way and past Vivo City till it arrives at Alexandra Road. I find it a soothing, reflective start to my day. I read my Bible on my iPad, I meditate (I confess I once fell asleep), I pray, I think about my work and generally arrive at work in a benign mood. I realised this only today, when I got a ride to work. You see, I had to have a conversation! That was it! I couldn't be myself with my own thoughts. And I arrived at work snappy and edgy.

How strange I am. I wonder if I will become an eccentric old lady, living alone with the curtains drawn and the door padlocked. Maybe I will shout at people who knock on my door and have no friends. What a terrifying thought :)

Fraying

I am very saddened by the latest scandal in Singapore. More than 44 men arrested for having paid sex with an under-aged girl. It has made me startlingly aware that you can never know the true nature of a human being by his public persona. The Bible says only God knows what is the true sum of each man and this saga has affirmed the truth of this. Three of these men are men I have seen in their very public arenas; 2 of them educators. And even now, when their guilt has become apparent, I find it hard to believe that they would have descended to this level. It is a shock every time I see their faces in the newspapers.

My heart aches especially for their wives and children. How much they must hurt, how betrayed they must feel, how much shame in having their family lives put under public scrutiny. And I feel deep anger - at these men who are successful in the eyes of the world, blessed with opportunities far beyond the reach of the average man, yet unable to live a life of simple integrity and dignity. I feel anger at the young girl, destroying her life and the lives of others, for the sake of money. And the mastermind behind it all, preying on the weaknesses of greed and lust.

I feel as if there are suddenly many cracks showing. Such scandals used to be few and far between and teachers were rarely in the news for such scandals. My friend says there always were such goings-on but that because of the internet it is harder to hide these days. Maybe she is right. But I also wonder, has the calibre of our teachers changed? Has the moral fibre weakened? I don't know. But my heart aches for the innocent victims - the wives, the children, the students who once looked up to these men. I wish I could do something or speak some words of comfort to them. But I can't, so I pray.

Sometimes I Think I'm in a Sitcom

I spoke too soon. Last night, I felt things had settled and in smooth gear. This morning, as I was preparing to leave for office, I turned on the washing machine. 20 minutes later when I went to wash my coffee cup, I realised to my horror that I had not checked if the outlet hose had been placed in the draining pipe and that a pool of dirty water was quietly collecting on the kitchen floor! As I hurried to find towels to mop the mess up, the inlet hose fixed to the tap gave way and water started spraying every which way! It looked like a scene out of a sitcom but there was no laugh track.  Result: a pile of wet laundry left in the machine, soggy towels left in a heap on the window sill, a slippery soapy floor that I hope neither J nor C slip on, and a disgruntled snappy Vara who was half an hour late for work today. Sigh. Worse than being angry with someone is being angry with your own stupidity :)

Displaced

I don't quite know where the last two weeks went. Since I last blogged, C came, we packed and moved and unpacked and finally I have internet access again. All because I decided to embark on renovation of my flat. 

We moved into our flat in 1998, when R was 8 and J was 12. They have long outgrown their rooms and no longer love the purple, yellow and green hues of their rooms :) The cupboards have been bulging and as I climbed in and out of it daily, I had begun to deeply regret the bathtub I had installed when I was a sprightly 40 year old ;) So the decision was made. 

Almost every evening for the past few weeks we have been de-cluttering the flat and I marvel at just how much I had accumulated over 14 years! Because the renovations will be extensive, we have had to move out into a temporary rental flat which is across the island in Aljunied. The flat is tiny compared to ours and I obsessed many nights over whether our stuff would even fit into the flat. 

Moving day (on Sat) was stressful but my part-time helper Jona was a wizard who came on Sun morning with her friend and set the whole place in order in a matter of hours! I missed Easter service which made me very sad, but there was so much to be done to make the flat livable.

So it has been 3 days since we moved in now and we have all established a delicate ecosystem of living. C has been such a blessing, pitching in to help unhesitatingly, and invariably cheerful no matter how trying the situation! It has been an eventful few weeks; we are in a neighbourhood I have never even visited, learning new routes to work, figuring out where the shops are. In a way, C and all of us are on even ground; we are all learning about this new place. Much as I regretted it on Sat, come Tues I am beginning to think things aren't too bad!

Introvert Paradise

I was leafing through my old journals a few days ago and found an MBTI analysis I did long ago in 1994. I was quite amused to see my Introversion score - unbelievable :) I also came across pages I had photocopied from Tim Lahaye's temperament analysis that characterised me squarely as a Melancholic! 

I know there are many Christians who believe such personality analyses are un-biblical and I don't know enough to say whether personality analysis borders on the occult as they claim, but I do know that these two analyses helped me a great deal to understand myself and to work at making different choices. 

From LaHaye's book, I recognised Melancholic traits in myself such as my tendency to catastrophise, my tendency to see worst-case scenarios first, my mood swings. I still struggle with these aspects of my personality but one major effect of accepting Christ has been learning to forgive myself when I revert to these behaviours especially in times of stress. I have also learnt to embrace the Introvert in me without feeling like a misfit. And to share with others the truth that I don't know how to make small talk, that I can only spend 2 days at Club Med before the extroversion of the GOs gets to me, that I really do enjoy having a meal by myself and a book, that I cannot for the life of me THINK when I have to work in a group :)

I think it is telling that right after returning from a weekend away with my dear friends, I went on a 2D1N holiday to Bintan by myself. It was a quiet, solitary weekend - introvert paradise :) 

The best part of my trip :)

My friends ask me if it was awkward. It could have been. Twenty years ago I wouldn't have done it. I would have felt as if every eye was on me as I sat down to dinner by myself.  But now, I liked that I had a table to myself, that I could read my book without chatter, that I could watch other people at the restaurant and make up stories.

Chicken in avocado sauce with fresh mozzarella and a lime margarita ;)

I think turning fifty is beginning to have more and more privileges. I am learning to recognise what pushes my button; I am learning to choose a kinder response instead of retorting the first hurtful thing that comes to mind; I am willing to give people the benefit of doubt because I want them to give me the benefit of doubt as well - like Mini who said at brunch today in response to a thoughtless comment from Rita - "I know you mean something else because what you just said isn't like you."

The trip gave me time to think and read and journal.

And the two books I had taken with me, gave me clarity in different ways. I realised anew that I was like the elder son in the Parable of the Prodigal Son quick to climb the moral high horse, wanting the wrath of God to descend on those who have wronged me. And I realised afresh that I am loved by a prodigal God who loves me extravagantly, without counting the cost and pleading with me to forgive and embrace the lost sons like He has. And I realised that I too am made of glue - when things fall apart, I long to put it all back together; the desire to bond, to adhere is there in all of us and we do it to different degrees of success. 

I had a good getaway. And for a while now, I have been at peace with myself.

JI Mamis in Melaka

I had a great weekend! Together with 3 of my friends, I went to Melaka, which is a town in Malaysia, about a 3 hour drive away. It was a departure from the usual because instead of Rita who usually drives us, this time it was Shamala at the wheel. 

Yay! You did it Sham!

I love the company of these friends. We have known each other for close to 20 years and what I appreciate the most is the honesty of our friendship. We don't cover up our struggles and we know each other's quirks and personalities. We know we aren't perfect and we don't pretend to be.

Checking in to Casa Del Rio

Melaka was a great deal more interesting than I had expected. I don't know if it is a deliberate tourism strategy, but there was a distinct emphasis on nostalgia and a celebration of a past way of life that fascinated me. 

The Library at the hotel - dark wood shelves, heavy damask chairs, tea & coffee and lots of books!

Our hotel was easily the most luxurious I have ever stayed in! Good thing the cost was shared by the 4 of us :)

Courtyard of Casa Del Rio

Pavilions @ Casa Del Rio

 I absolutely loved the hotel :) The service was excellent and we had an awesome rain shower in the toilet. I could have stood under it for a long long time. The hotel had a quirkiness that I had not seen in Malaysian hotels before... From the 555 books in the rooms instead of the usual hotel stationery...

These are the notebooks my dad used to give me to keep accounts of my spending in!

to the subtle way in which the hotel suggested we shouldn't steal stuff from the room...

and the request to please not steal their towels :)

Our hotel was close to the Melaka town centre and I enjoyed the old feel of the Dutch architecture which has thankfully been retained.

At Melaka town centre

 Mani and I climbed up to the ruins of St Paul's Church where the remains of Francis Xavier are supposed to be buried. It's  a derelict building now but still has a quiet charm.

St Paul's Church

We were also close to Jonkers Walk which was the main heritage / tourist area and walking along this street was a trip down nostalgia lane for me! 

Jonkers Walk decorated to welcome the Year of the Dragon.

The "tok-tok man"! This is a hard malt candy that the vendor breaks up with a tiny hammer & spatula. Makes a distinctive "tok tok" sound :)

Eating 'chendol' by the river at a roadside stall

Ice batu! This is basically an ice lolly made with traditional flavours and eaten by pushing it out of a plastic bag :)

If not for the astronomic prices, I would say time has stood still in Melaka. My laments that I used to buy the ice batu for 10 cents instead of the dollar I was charged was met with a polite smile by the young girl manning the stall. I'm sure I wasn't the first one to say it to her. The 'tok tok' man was too deaf (or pretended to be) to respond to my shock at being asked to pay 5 dollars for what I used to pay 50 cents for. Ah well.

It was a good trip. And the JI Mamis are the best people to have made the trip with. I'm sure my daughters would have rolled their eyes and refused to eat the roadside chendol or the ice batu and asked when we could go back to the hotel :)

Where To?

I think it's time to move on from where I think I have been serving in church. I've been with the young adults in my church for more than 6 years now and I honestly don't know what I'm doing there. I asked to be with the young adults because I missed being around young people so much after I left teaching. But year after year has passed and I keep turning up on Wed nights, but I don't know what it is that I am supposed to be doing. This sense of frustration has been growing steadily in me. Once, no matter how hard pressed I was, I would put aside work and turn up for the prayer and cell time. Nowadays, when work pressure mounts up, I ask myself whether it is going to make a difference if I go, and the answer to me always seems to be, no. So I stay back in office or take the work home. I seriously wonder if I should volunteer with one of the many organisations that need befrienders instead. Or give tuition. Or join an adult cell. Or take up a course...

In Defence of Introverts

I attended a workshop today on the use of IT in the classroom. I was interested in the potential of a couple of new Web 2.0 tools that were shared in the workshop.

I am no Luddite, but I wonder if students taught in such technology-rich learning environments really learn more effectively as the IT evangelists claim. There seems to be widespread agreement that today's students are plugged in 24/7. They are called "digital natives" and it is true that I have seen a 3 year old swipe her fingers across an iPad. 

But are we creating a new pigeon-hole without realising it? Even as we claim IT allows students to be self-directed learners learning at their own speed, are we in reality ignoring the needs of students who really do learn better on their own, reading a book and writing down their thoughts?

I fear if I were in school today, I would be extremely unhappy because, no, I don't write collaboratively. I think on my own, I write in solitude. Group discussions tire me unless I'm in a group where everyone speaks their mind. I dislike pair work unless I have had time to think on my own first. Does that make me a selfish learner? I don't think so. I am happy to share my work and thoughts; but I need time on my own first to think my own thoughts.

I particularly like this talk that a friend pointed me to. I think the speaker makes excellent points. If we didn't have space and time to think, then deep, creative thoughts will be buried in chatter. Looking at my shelves of books, I challenge the proponents of IT to name me one author who wrote his poems or novels collaboratively on Mixedink! 

Jumping on the Web 2.0 bandwagon, I fear we will lose young people who could be capable of something deep, thought-provoking, meaningful and novel. I wish more people would listen to Susan Cain...

Motivated

I read 'Drive' by Donald Pink last year after reading a review of this book. This year, we are reading the book at work - as a sort of corporate book club? - and I wish I could send a copy to every leader in the govt or at least to the Minister of Education. 

The book discusses motivation and it speaks to me both at a personal level and at a professional level. 

Many times, after running a workshop, I have had teachers come up to me and say how much they enjoyed the workshop and how much they learnt, then there will be a "...but". "But my students aren't even motivated to come to school." "But how do I deal with unmotivated kids?" And I have never had an answer. More recently, I have been asking myself - where has my fire gone? Why don't I look forward to going to work? And reading this book again this year, with the ability to look back over the events of last year in the light of it, has helped me understand the frustrations I have felt.

In a nutshell, Pink says that management theories and conventional wisdom of the past decades have favoured the carrot-and-stick approach to managing people. A combination of incentives and disincentives have been crafted over the years to keep people working as well as to keep them in line. I think Singapore especially has got this down to a fine art with our performance bonuses, baby bonuses, demerit points and fines. Pink calls the carrot-and-stick approach Motivation 2.0. He goes on to point out that far from creating more of the desired behaviour and less of the undesired behaviour, this approach has done little to create change.

He argues compellingly, instead, that what is needed is Motivation 3.0 and he says that the key lies in giving people autonomy, mastery and purpose - giving people some element of choice, allowing them to work from their positions of strength and creating a sense of meaning and purpose in the work they do.

It is astounding that the research cited in this book has been ignored over and over again over the decades. I suppose it is somehow deceptively reasonable to accept that people would want the incentives of money, fame and power and that they would be deterred by disincentives of fines or shame. 

The book makes so much sense to me I feel euphoric every time I read a portion of it. It is as if someone has finally explained me to me. This is why I HATE performance ranking. This is why I just want to teach. This is why I would tutor kids FOR FREE! This is why I was so unhappy last year when tasks needed to be done or re-done without me knowing why. 

I hope the book will result in some real changes at my workplace. It's a promising sign that we are all reading it and discussing it once a month. What I'm glad about is that it gives us a common language that I can use to negotiate for the space and purpose I need.