Hard Pressed

Is there a word to describe to describe  a mixed feeling of trepidation, anxiety and sadness? That's where I am now. The renovation costs are mounting and I realise I had a pathetically naive estimation of costs when I started. The costs have gone way past my budget and I have dug deep into my meagre savings. My flat has become a hard-to-please monster and the performance bonus that made me so happy a month ago has vanished in its deep belly.  And still the work is not done. With every stage of the renovation, new problems seem to surface and yes, I regret having started this project. 

Dragging my spirits further, I have developed pain in my right knee. It is the dreaded osteoarthritis and ligament damage as well. I have spent the last week going first to a GP, then an orthopaedic surgeon in NUH (never again will I see him!) and yesterday a pain management specialist. I had a session of radio-frequency therapy and physiotherapy and am now sitting in bed with my knee taped. I have been told to rest and come back for another session on Monday.

I am feeling overwhelmed. Every day there are decisions to make for the renovation - do I want the light switches relocated? Do I want the window handles replaced? Where do I want the heater to be placed? What are the dimensions of my oven? my fridge? my microwave? Then of course there is work and with my recent promotion I know I am expected to seek out new responsibilities or initiate new ideas. No one makes allowances for personal life crises to affect professional work. The higher up you move, the more you are expected to be able to maintain an even keel. But I am not wired like that. My life flows over. 

When I was feeling particularly overwhelmed last night, I read in The New Paper about a 78 year old woman with bad knees, who has no job and has 6 sons in prison. She eats one meal a day and walks with the aid of an umbrella. And I was reminded that I am still blessed. I have a God to turn to - Jehovah Jireh, my Provider who has always given me enough; and Jehovah Rapha, my Healer, who surely will see me through. But it is a challenge to choose to rejoice in the Lord and trust Him. My pain and the rising bills seem more real than God right now.