"(S)he is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaves do not wither. Whatever s(he) does prospers." (Psalm 1:3)
I first heard the phrase "a desert experience" from an old gentleman in 1997 who came to my school to ask if I had a temporary teaching position available for him. He was past 60 and I was reluctant to hire him as I wasn't convinced he could handle the students we had. It was the beginning of the year when we traditionally had large numbers of Pre-U 1 students who had no intention of staying once the 'O' level results were announced. And because they had no intention of staying in the school, they broke every rule they could.
But I was desperately short-handed and I agreed to hire him, thinking I would keep him till another more suitable temp teacher came along. But in two weeks I realised it was a disaster. The students in his class were having a ball of a time. They would walk in and out as the mood took them and they took advantage of his penchant for story telling by taking every chance they could to distract him from the lesson planned for the day. I knew I had to let him go, but I felt really bad because I could see that he was trying hard and that the job meant a great deal to him.
When I told him we could no longer emply him, he said nothing for a while. Then he asked me, "Are you a Christian?" I braced myself for some sort of appeal to common religious bonds, but that was not on his mind. He said, "God gives every child of His a desert experience. The Israelites wandered in the wilderness for 40 years and that strengthened them as a nation and they learnt to look only to God. I have had many desert periods. Now is one of them. I thank God for it. It is a privilege." That was all.
I have not met him again since then. His name was Mr Thomas John. And I have come to believe that our paths crossed that once because of that one message God wanted to give me. I had come out of a desert experience in 1993 - 94 and it was a time when I was struggling with many 'why's. Hearing his simple acceptance of the desert experience without question taught me a lesson in faith and trust.
Today, those words came back to me in a new way. It is a day when I feel dry, alone and un-needed. The re is a new loneliness these days that I find hard to shake off. I remember the miles after miles of brown, sandy dunes I saw in Israel and I find it hard to think of how people walking there day after day could give thanks. But that is what God calls me to do. To rejoice, to give thanks, to declare victory. Especially when I can't see the promise of an end.
Hmmm. I have waited a while to let the bugs settle but I have now updated the editor on my blog. One big difference is that now I have transliteration in Tamil :) I haven't figured out how that works yet but that sure adds to the fun of blogging :) The other big difference I appreciate is that it is supposed to be easier to upload multiple photos now and the line spacing is more even as well.But if you see my blog acting crazy in any way, let me know ok?
I read today about a book called The Council of Dads by Bruce Feiler. It is about a young dad who is diagnosed with cancer and decides to rope in 6 of his friends to be 'dads' to his daughters in his absence. The concept touched me.
I have often felt parenting is a tough job and especially hard to do alone. Yet, it is very difficult to find like-minded people who share your values, philosophy and faith whom you can trust to help you with this important job. It also takes a special breed of friends who would agree to look out for your children as well as their own. This is especially so in Singapore where many parents struggle to make time for their own children and balance the demands of career and family.
Yet, I am convinced of the wisdom of having a council of dads or a council of mums. There is an African proverb that says 'It takes a village to raise a child' and I tend to agree. Parenting is often a case of trial and error. You have never done this job before, you try to equip yourself for it by reading, talking to friends etc, but there will always be moments when you catch your breath and wonder - did I do that right? I would have liked to have had a village at these times.
I thought about the concept of a council of dads / mums for a while. But I came to the conclusion that Feiler was really very, very blessed to have 6 friends who readily accepted the responsibility he offered them and stepped up. I can only think of one - and a very, very busy one at that! It speaks first of all of the depth of his friendships. These are friendships cultivated over a long time and at a meaningful level. There must have been time and love invested in building up such friendships and I wonder whether in busy Singapore, there are men and women who value this and are able to do this. It also requires giving of oneself (on the part of the friends) and asking for help (on the part of Feiler) - both gestures of humility that I think are possible for many of us here only when the imminence of death is real.
Many times I have offered to baby-sit for young couples but I don't quite know what it is - an innate shyness, a fear of obligation, maybe a reluctance to accept a favour? - but no one has actually taken me up on the offer :) Maybe they just don't trust me :) With my family, I have tried to be involved in the lives of my nieces and nephews, and their children, but to varying degrees of success. Mostly my young grand-nephews and nieces live too far away for us to connect meaningfully. It is sad, but I also realise that only 1 of my sisters has the opportunity to see her grand-children daily as almost all of my nieces and nephews live abroad and one sister is even estranged from her sons.
So, I wonder what the future holds for me. Right now it looks like I might be doing long-distance grand-parenting too :)
Today I got contact lenses :) I have been thinking about getting them ever since I read about the new range of contact lenses available for presbyopia. I thought about getting the lens implant done but couldn't bring myself to try it so I have opted to try out contact lens first. I had the tests done and ordered the contact lenses before my Israel trip but I couldn't find the time to go to the optometrist before I left. I regretted it a great deal during the trip because I had to keep switching between my reading glasses and my sun glasses as it was blindingly hot yet I also had to refer to the guides and the Bible during the tour. So I ended up wearing my sun glasses on top of my reading glasses :) Yes, I bet I looked like a dork.
So today I went and got my lenses fitted :) They fit comfortably but my brain seems to have trouble adjusting to them so though I don't need my reading glasses now (I'm typing this without my glasses! Yay!), I can't see far objects clearly! I am supposed to try them for 2 weeks then go back to see if my brain has caught up with my eyes or whether I need a new pair of contacts. For now, it is pretty exciting though I keep reaching for my reading glasses automatically when I sit down at the computer or pick up something to read. Hahahaha. Old habits die hard.
I think I might have to re-think my thoughts on being a solo traveller. I have just come back from a 2 week tour of Jordan and Israel that definitely stretched my physical capabilities to the max. I am exhausted. And very glad that I booked a 3D2N stay at Bintan next week. I seriously need recovery time. I am also very glad that J booked me 2 massage slots last weekend, on Sat and Sun, because I needed them both!!!
In all, I have mixed feelings about my tour. The highlights of the tour were the many things I learnt, and cliched as it sounds, the Bible has come alive to me in many ways, most of all in an understanding of the landscape and social setting of the times. We were blessed by a truly gifted local guide who is a Messianic Jew, rooted in a deep understanding of the Word that has inspired me. Unfortunately, I was not able to live on the Word alone but needed creature comforts too and the poor quality of accommodations we had affected my mood quite a bit. I didn't mind the walking and climbing so long as I could have a hot bath at the end of the day and a decent bed to sleep on. It was not always to be. So, while I did learn a lot, I don't think my $4k was well spent.
On a happier note, I was very encouraged to hear from the editor of Seasons of Life (my church newsletter) that many readers were blessed by the serialisation of my 8 Not-So-Simple-Rules for Dating. That made me really happy. It was frustrating to edit my articles to 1500 words and I felt that at times my style of writing had to be compromised, but I'm glad to have had the opportunity to be published :) Maybe I should write a book like J keeps telling me to :)
I chanced upon a blog today that has captured my imagination. It is written by a lady who is determined to "age disgracefully" :) I love that idea! I have been focusing on doing this gracefully and realise, hey, it is so much more fun being disgraceful about it :) My daughters, you have been warned.
Anyway, this lady (who currently feels like a bff) also maintains a website on travelling solo. And I love it! It was comforting to read about other women who feel that same nagging feeling I had yesterday but get off their butt and travel anyway. And there is a whole community of them whom I am longing to connect with. Their travel tales excite me and I feel I really want to do this - travelling solo. It is not an instinct for me. I still prefer to travel with my daughters and /or friends. But I am beginning to think, maybe, just maybe, there is another way. After all, after my first miserable night - which, my new bff assures me is a loneliness felt by every one of these solo travellers :) - I did enjoy my spa holiday at Javana.
6 days to go! The reality hit me yesterday that my tour of Israel was oh so near! Last night I dusted off my suitcase, heaved it up on a chair and began my ritual of packing for a trip. One week before I leave, this is what I do. Then over the week I put stuff in, and take stuff out, and buy stuff I need... I think I actually enjoy the process of packing :) Being the compulsive list-er that I am, of course I have a travel packing list - 2 actually, one on my iPhone and one on my laptop - and tomorrow I will whip it out and start going through the list to be sure I have everything I need. No doubt, this is the reason my suitcases weigh a ton whenever I travel :)
I have mixed feelings about my impending trip. It is one of two "trips-of-my-lifetime" and part of me is looking forward to it very excitedly. But there is also a part of me that is anxious. You see, by nature, I am cautious. The time-tested road is the one that instinctively appeals to me. But over the years I have challenged myself in small ways to take the road less travelled, to take risks and to be open to new experiences. Many times I have succeeded and had a great time. Some times I have stayed safe. But every time a new opportunity presents itself, I feel the now familiar tug-of-war between cautious-me and intrepid-me.
There is no reason for my anxiety. I will be on an organised tour group, I am travelling with a trusted friend, J and R are fine in their own lives, work is at a low season and except for an aching knee, my health is good. Yet, there is a small familiar tug. I recognise it; I know it will go away. It feels like homesickness. But it's just resistance to change :)
Every year I gain 2 kgs in the week of my birthday. This year has not proved to be an exception :) My fondness for chocolate has become too much of a common knowledge and so yes, there has been an abundance of chocolate, chocolate cake and chocolate ice cream...
The best cake award of this year goes to the yummilicious cake bought by my CYAN cell group - a creation called Grand Cru Royale by Centre-ps which is a cakeshop in Tiong Bahru. They have an irritatingly slow website so I am not linking, but the cake was superb. It had a hazelnut praline crunch base and a chocolate mousse top and was absolutely delicious :) Thus began my eating odyssey on Wednesday, 4 days before my birthday...
On Friday, 5th Nov, which was also Deepavali Day, Johnson, Yvonne and Freya took me out for dinner at chili's. I have been wanting to try this restaurant for a while but just didn't get around to so I enjoyed the experience quite a bit. Dear Yvonne arranged for a surprise song from the restaurant staff and I got a birthday balloon too :)
And flowers, and books and a fridge magnet :)
On the eve of my birthday, I went on a day spa trip to Batam with my sister, J and Kelsey. It was a quaint place called Tempat Senang and we booked in for a 3 hour spa session. It felt like a mini holiday, boarding the ferry and getting picked up and driven to the spa. The spa owner had arranged for a birthday cake for me but it was delivered in such an awkward manner that it was laughable rather than a touching gesture!
I was quite disappointed by our reception because no one seemed to notice we had arrived. Then a lady came and asked us to choose our treatments and while we were looking at the spa menu, the chef came and said there was a cake for us. The lady was very puzzled and said she had no idea what that was about, she asked the owner who came and said vaguely, "Oh you didn't ask for a cake? Ok then" and wandered off! So we left the cake alone and went off to have lunch. During lunch, the cake made an appearance again. This time it had been cut and we were served 4 slices with a candle stuck on! Hmph! Like I said, a little more panache would have made it a thoughtful gesture instead of the awkward one it turned out to be :( That said, the masseuse was awesome!
My birthday was on the first Sunday of November so all of us with birthdays and anniversaries in November got prayed for at the E2 service. I was really glad my sister came to church with us and liked the sermon as well. Here I am with CYAN people and dear Emma and Ale (that baby is growing fast!)
I must say I had a GREAT birthday. Because J arranged for surprise visits by my friends. I must confess I messed up her plans quite a bit by refusing to have dinner and insisting on watching a movie at 7.30 pm when she had arranged a surprise dinner for me :) Poor Jen.
After church we went to Krish for tea but J wasn't done with surprises yet and I had 3 more surprise visitors for tea, bearing cake from - where else - Awfully Chocolate :) My dear friends, who shall remain unidentified and unnamed by request, I appreciate you :)
And my darling orchestrator of my birthday, thank you. I love you.
We went to watch 'It's a Wonderful After Life' in the evening and I liked the movie except for one sequence at the engagement party which was too long and too ridiculous to be funny. And ended the day at Swenson's... I should have taken the pic BEFORE we demolished the sundae instead of after it ;)
My birthday celeration did not, however, end on Sunday. My CYAN cell celebrated my birthday jointly with Emmy at Penang Kitchen on Monday night... Embarrassed me no end :)
Following this, my old friend Andy bought me lunch at Thai Express on Tuesday and I celebrated a joint birthday with my friend Fiona whose birthday is today by having brunch at Dome...
I think I'm done now... It has been a week of excesses :)
MM Lee has been on my mind this week. It has been more than 20 days since his wife passed away and the public spotlight is no longer on him. No more public scrutiny of his grief, his stoicism, his pain. And I feel drawn to pray for him.
He is a man I have admired for a long time. J laughs at me for this, but despite all the criticism I have heard, read and voiced myself, at the end of it all, I would still say I admire him. While I have long admired his political acumen, decisiveness, foresight and high standards, events in recent months have revealed a more personal side to him and I have come to respect him not just as a political leader but as a husband.
Ken says I should not hold LKY as a standard to measure men. He thinks LKY set too high standards that other men cannot measure up to. But I am tempted to ask, why not? LKY is right to say "Don't judge a man until the coffin has been closed on him". No one is perfect. But as men go, I think LKY is someone who has lived right. He may not always have done right, but it is very hard to say what decisions we ourselves might have made in the heat of political battle.
Yet as his life winds down, I feel I like him even more. His recent interview touched me in its honesty, humility and doggedness. What touched me most of all was his devotion to his wife. How many men will sit by the bedside of their comatose wife and read her poems she loved? To me, just this one act of love redeems him. And the opening line of the ST article on Mrs Lee's funeral said it all - "In the end there was just a man who loved his wife till the end." That's it.
Writing is good therapy. Most times it works. Some days I can't. I seem to have entered a tunnel period. Maybe it is a phase. Maybe it is hormonal. Maybe it is a natural consequence. Whatever it is, I decided I would come write in my blog to distract myself. And to share a quote I found:
"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear that results from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl." (Stephen Hoeller).
I feel encouraged by this thought. It gives meaning to an emotional state. And a hope that something beautiful will yet come out of all this.
AAAAAGH!!!! My portfolio has taken over my life. I have stuff I want to blog about but I have been devoting every spare hour to the portfolio! It is a monster that refuses to be sated. It is a whiny 2 year old that wants more, more, more. It is a naggy old lady who sits in a corner of my mind and says in a quavery voice "Isn't there more you could do? Are you sure you are done? What about..."
I am putting together this portfolio for a job I am applying for. And I have to compile evidence from my work life to show that I have met 5 Standards like 'Leading in Professional Development" or 'Contributing to School and Nation" and my least favourite one "Leading in Professional Ethos". Everyone I speak to says "of course you can do it" or "surely you have enough stuff to show" and I too think I do BUT the trick you see, is not in simply collecting evidence but in putting things together coherently, stitching it all together so the portfolio tells the story of my teaching career. And of course I am a perfectionist and in my eyes, I never seem to have done enough.
Other than this internal struggle, I also am contending with external factors such as office work that still needs to be done, of course, and office printers that do not work! The latter really gets my goat because these printers have apparently not been working for a while. But instead of reporting the malfunctioning printer(s), I think people have just switched to using other available printers. So when I reported one printer and the IT guy came to fix it he couldn't connect me to any other working printer because one after another of the printers he connected me to ended up not working :) Poor guy - what he thought was a routine 15 minute job ended up taking him 3 hrs!
Anyway, here I am, working on my portfolio again. I had Session #3 of my root canal this morning so I have the day off. I really want to get this portfolio done by tomorrow. I wish I had a PA who knew what needed to be done so I could just say "Print that document, tag and file" and it would be done :) I hope this job (if I get it) turns out to be worth all of this :)
Hmmm... I wonder if I should give my blog a new skin or a makeover of some sort to celebrate her birthday. Yes, my blog is a "she". What else would it be?
Today is the fifth birthday of my blog. Yes, my first entry was on 5 Oct 2005 and today my blog is 5 years old. I spent a while thinking whether I should celebrate this date as an anniversary or as a birthday. But since a birthday is the specific celebration of a birth and an anniversary is a celebration of any event at all, I settled for a 'birthday' :)
I started this blog the year J went off to the US to study. It was a milestone event for me, my first-born leaving home to live on her own, without maternal supervision, may I add, in a foreign country. It was a hard time for me, a time of a great deal of anxiety about how she would cope, if she would make friends, how would she cope with winter, would she eat properly, what if she fell ill... The list was endless. As it turned out, she coped very well. Made new friends, broke a toe, kept crazy hours, loved her classes and started dating. During those years, this blog was a way for me to keep in touch with her, to tell her what was on my mind, what was going on at home. And she began a blog as well and until she tired of it, the blog was a great way for me to keep in touch with her life in the US.
My blog was also a way for me to share myself with my daughters. R was in secondary school and in a super-secretive phase when mum was an intrusion. An 'empty nest' was becoming a reality for me with 2 daughters quite absorbed in their own activities, and for some strange reason, I began to worry whether I had done all I could before I released my daughters into the big bad world. There seemed to be so many life lessons I had not shared. So I started this blog as a way for me to open conversations, to share who I was, to give advice without my girls rolling their eyes :)
But soon, I got caught up in my own blog. I began to enjoy writing for myself, not only for my daughters. It became the place where I could muse out aloud and I found that writing helped to crystallise my thoughts, to understand how I had changed, who I had become. Writing in this blog also strengthened my faith as I sorted out what I believed and why I believed what I believed. I gave thanks on this blog and shared my faith journey. It has also become a repository of memories - of holidays, of times spent with good friends, of family times.
My blog has also been the means by which I made new connections. I met new people - Jonathan who read my blog while he was in Australia and then commented on a blog entry and 2 girls in the US whose blogs I commented on. I was also contacted by a blog writer based in the US who writes on midlife issues who asked if she could link my blog to hers. And of course, my posts on this blog became the basis for the series on dating that I am currently writing for Seasons of Life, a publication of my home church.
So here I am, reflecting on my blog and how far I have come in these last 5 years. Much has changed in my life. J is back but R is away but unlike J, she hardly reads my blog. She doesn't even read her own :) I was in my 40s when I started and now I have entered the 50s... I am in a hard place now but there have been good times too and when I re-read my blog entries I realise I have much to be thankful for. So "Happy Birthday TreeByTheStream"!
And hey, if you read my blog, will you stop to say "Happy Birthday" too? And if you enjoy reading it or have been blessed by it or you have anything at all to say about it, will you comment? And if you don't have a Google account and can only post as 'Anonymous' please leave your name so I know whom I am thanking for stopping by :)
I spent an hour in the dentist's chair this morning. It was Part 2 of the root canal process that began 2 weeks ago. I expected to be done in 20 minutes like the last visit but this one was excruciatingly long. So my jaw hurts - from being propped open for so long and my back hurts from the enforced immobility. Towards the end of the procedure my mouth actually started quivering like an unused muscle would when subjected to prolonged tension. It has not been a pleasant morning.
While I was lying there with my molar being 'rooted', I had a lot of time to think.... I started out thinking about the work I should do, then I decided I would go through my prayer list :) And for the first time in a long while I actually finished praying for all on my list! Hahahahaha. So I think I will be better prepared at my next visit. I think I will download an audio bible to my iPhone and listen to a book while I am there. I thought about downloading songs but I realised that was not a good idea because the dentist had his radio on and when there was a particularly catchy song my feet started tapping the air and then I heard an exasperated "Don't move." Right. So no music.
This root canal job is costing me a tidy $2k, but my friend tells me it is a reasonable price, so I will not grumble too much. Sadly, sadly, I am beginning to feel a twinge of pain in my lower molar as well and I didn't like the way my dentist's eyes lit up above his mask when I mentioned it to him. Then I heard a muffled "One at a time, one at a time" and so I think the man has found a goldmine in my mouth...
I shared at CYAN for the first time last Wednesday. Preparing for it took a long time and I learnt what it meant to wait on the Lord. For dear Emmaline, who asked for it, here is my 'mini sermon' :) To those of my readers who don't understand 'Singlish', ie the Singapore-brand of English, I apologize...
Choose
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I used to teach in a school called Jurong Institute that was located in Toh Tuck Road. It was an old building but it occupied quite a big area.
There were two gates by which you could enter the school (not counting the hole in the fence that was used by those who came to school late and left early). One was the main gate – it was wide to allow cars to drive in. The other was narrow and meant for pedestrians. It was a school policy, which only the Principal and Heads of Department seemed to know about, that the narrow gate would be for the students to walk through so that they would be out of harm’s way and not dash across the path of cars turning in to the school.
But every morning, guess which gate the students insisted on walking through? Of course, the wide one.
They would saunter in, in twos and threes, chatting, or listening to their mp3 players totally oblivious to the teachers and parents who were trying to drive in through the same gate. Things would get really exciting 5 minutes before the school bell rang because both the students who were late and the teachers who were late would be rushing in through the wide gate. There were many near misses. Mercifully, there was only one accident.
Every time I saw this drama at the school gate I wished I could yell at the students "Come in through the narrow gate!” Maybe that is what God is yelling at us too. Maybe He too is shaking his head seeing us sauntering through the wide gate that leads to death. For in Matthew 7: 13-14, Jesus says,
“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life and only a few find it.”
Let us consider the verse. There are three points to consider: (1) the size of the gate, (2) the number of people who enter, and (3) the end of the path.
John MacArthur points out that “Jesus presents two choices and only two - two gates, the Narrow and the Wide; two ways, the Narrow and the Broad; two groups, the Few and the Many; and two destinations, Life and Destruction”. Ultimately there are only two choices – to follow Jesus or not.
Many people today find such a stark choice unacceptable. The idea of “and” is more attractive than the idea of “or”. So we hear statements such as “the world is not black & white” or “that may be right for you, but not necessarily right for me”; we hear terms such as “situational ethics” and “relative truths”.
But if we come back to the Scriptures, that is all God presents us with – the narrow way or the broad way; the way to life or the way to destruction.
The narrow gate sounds difficult; it sounds as if it would be a struggle to enter through it and indeed in Luke 13, Jesus says “Strive (make every effort) to enter through the narrow door”. The narrow way seems lonely, there are few people who enter by it. In contrast, the wide gate is open, welcoming. It is where the crowds are and it sounds so much easier to get in. People walk in the broad way easily, without much thought, carried along with the company. The narrow way is not popular, it is often solitary. And maybe those who saunter casually and easily through the wide gate laugh at those foolish ones who are filing in through the narrow door on to the narrow way....
But Jesus says wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction. He says just because you see many people walking that road you must not be seduced by it. No matter how attractive other ways look, they will lead us to death. Perhaps not physical death (as my dear students were in danger of) but as LT said, spiritual death, intellectual death, emotional death. And Jesus tells us to choose.
Let us come back to my story of my students.Why did the students use the wide gate? Why didn’t they walk a little more and come through the narrow gate? Their reasons were simple.
“Cher, so lecheh-lah cher…”
The students I caught were incredulous that I could not see how much more convenient the wide gate was. The answer was so obvious to them. It was the first entrance as they walked up the hill and it was wide open. Sure, the cars had to dodge them, but that wasn’t a big deal, surely?
The size of the gate makes walking through it easy and sometimes we do just that, because doing something the right way sometimes requires making an extra effort. And I think of Daniel. How much easier it would have been to eat the food provided for him. He could have reasoned to himself, I am an exile in a foreign land, how am I going to find the food I need. I am under the rule of the king, how am I going to go against his authority. Many times I too have reasoned my way into sin. Sometimes the wrong way just seems more convenient and obvious.
But Daniel chose the narrow way. He negotiated, he found creative solutions because He was focused on pleasing God. I am sure it was so lecheh for him, to eat nothing but vegetables. Maybe the person who prepared the separate meals for Daniel and his friends grumbled at how lecheh they were.
Settling for a way that does not honour God because it is inconvenient is a slippery slope, my friends. Yes, it might mean taking a longer route, yes, there will be some inconvenience, and yes you might feel foolish. But only the narrow gate and the narrow way lead to Jesus and we will do well to remember the warning - “There is a way that seems right to man, but in the end it leads to death.” (Prov 14:12)
The second reason my students would give me is this...
“Cher, other people also...”
With teenagers (and those who haven’t matured beyond their adolescence), ‘because everyone else was doing it’ was reason enough. Many of them would wait at the bus-stop for each other or would travel to school together and so would walk in through the wide gate, busy talking and laughing, sharing ear-phones... The thought of stopping each other and reminding each other to go through the narrow gate never ever occurred to them.
Sometimes, we too get carried away by the choices and decisions of others. It is easy to follow the crowd. Two years ago, I did just that. At my workplace, we had a team leaders’ meeting at the end of the year when work allocations for the following year were usually announced. Half way through the meeting I left to go to the toilet. When I opened the door to enter the room again, every single team leader in the room turned to look at me. I was taken aback. Clearly something had been said but I didn’t know what. Within minutes 4 notes were passed to me, asking me to look at the work allocation more closely. Then it dawned on me. An unpopular colleague had been placed in my team the following year! There was a great deal of animosity against him in the office and the general talk was that he did not do the work assigned to him, drew attention to what he did do, and made himself look good in front of the bosses. This colleague was also very assertive and usually got his way.
Egged on by my friends, I did a very foolish and unprofessional thing. I spoke up at the meeting and refused to take the colleague into my team. I went so far as to give my boss an ultimatum. I said either take him out of my team or make him the team leader because I refused to work with him. I put my boss on a spot, I misused my seniority, I played a power game. It was easy to walk through the wide gate. Because I had the support of all my friends.
But God gave me no peace. During my QT the same night, He confronted me. And I accepted that I had shamed my God by the way I had behaved. God convicted me of not only behaving badly, but also of being a bad example to the other Christians in my office. The next morning I had to eat humble pie. I spoke to my boss, I apologized. I also apologized to my Christian friends. My other friends were too busy shaking their heads at me to care! But I knew I had walked through the wide gate because of the support of the many.
The persuasion of friends is a dangerous thing. Once when I hesitated, my friend asked me impatiently “Do you always do only what is right?” and I thought to myself “No I don’t” and sinned. Thinking back, I ask myself how I could have been so foolish, but at that moment it seemed as if I had committed so many sins already that one more didn’t matter. I sinned because I wanted to please my friend and I wanted his approval.
The wide gate is very accommodating of company, my friends. Many walk through it. But a popular choice is not necessarily a right choice. And in the laughter of company we will miss the still, small voice of God.
“Cher, never think so much lah…”
This was the third reason my students offered me. They walked through the wide gate because they didn’t think about consequences and alternatives. Walking through the wide gate was just thoughtlessness. They were focused on getting to the assembly area before the bell rang. They did not think there would be drivers rushing in as well, they didn’t think there was another safer way. Some of these students did not deliberately set out to do wrong. They just did not think about their actions and the choice they were making.
Sometimes, we slide into sin in the same way – through carelessness, negligence, because we were not watchful. Sometimes this complacency sets in when we are too comfortable with God’s grace and love. Sometimes, we let our guard down because we are riding high – all is well with our world, we are busy doing God’s work and we think to ourselves “Lord, I could never leave You, I could never do what so-and-so did.”
Friends beware if that thought ever comes to your mind. If you hear or see someone fall and say to yourself “I don’t understand how such a committed Christian like him could do that” or “I would never do that”, you are in danger. Because everyone of us is capable of every sin given the wrong circumstance, place or time. Satan is an expert fisherman and he knows exactly which bait will catch which fish.
We must not live unexamined lives. The Psalmist cries out “Search me o God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there is any grievous way in me and lead me in the way everlasting!” (Ps 139:23-24). A thoughtless life leads us in the way of destruction. It is a life of moral short-cuts and ultimately a path away from God.
In the end, my friends, it is a matter choice – narrow or wide, in the company of a trusted few or the merriment of many, towards destruction or towards life. But it is an important choice and one that we make every day with our thoughts, words and actions.
Today I speak to you, as someone who has not always stayed on the narrow path, someone who has walked through those wide gates, who has enjoyed the thoughtless company of people headed for destruction. I have turned back only by the grace of God. I want to encourage you, don’t live the convenient, easy, popular, thoughtless life. CHOOSE to enter by the narrow gate, choose the path of isolation if need be and you will choose life. For, my friends, the promise of God is this – “If the Lord delights in a man’s way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand.” (Ps 37:23-24)
"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again."
Just got back today from church retreat in Johor Bahru, Malaysia. It was a 3D2N retreat for the young adults in my church and I went along as this is where I serve in church. I love worshipping and praying with young adults. They have a zest, passion and freshness for God that energises me :)
We had a fantastic speaker for this retreat - Mr L.T. Jeyachandran - whom everyone calls "LT". LT's speciality is Apologetics and we all came away challenged by his deep knowledge of the Word as well his insightful explanation of how we need to latch our own narratives onto God's meta-narrative. I was especially stirred by the picture he painted of the uniqueness of man as the only one created in the image of God and how the sin I commit mars the dignity of my unique human condition.
It was a good weekend away. Amazingly, there were no traffic jams on the causeway at all, both on Thurs and on Sat. The hotel was also a pleasant one and I had far too much to eat :) But I enjoyed the time away, and the opportunity to catch up with the young adults in other cells whom I normally don't have time to talk to during CYAN cell nights.
The quote for the day was this: "Success is simple. Do what's right, the right way, at the right time." (Arnold Glasgow) I wonder, though, is it simple? Sometimes it doesn't feel like I know what is the right thing to do. And I can't say I have always done things the right way. And I have my share of missed opportunities - times when I could have done the right thing but lacked the courage or will to.
I doubt I will ever reach a time or phase in life when I can say this is right for me at this point in time and I am doing it the way I want to. I would like to be able to say that. But that is not always possible for me. Yes, sometimes I don't do what is right for me because I think about the implications of my decision on others. Many times I have done what is right in a bull-headed way and negated the effect of my right action through the manner in which I did it. Once I was drawn into doing something wrong because I took the bait when my friend said "Do you always do what is right?" It seems incredibly stupid now but the knowledge I had done so many wrong things before consoled me into adding one more wrong action to my long list.
Sometimes, preachers make decisions look so easy. Do what the Bible says. Right is right in God's eyes. Wrong is wrong. But sometimes two decisions both look and feel right. Then what?
Then I need wisdom and discretion; then I need good friends' advice; then I need to tell myself "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths." (Prov 3:5-6)
It was Teachers' Day on 1 Sept. It is a school holiday and traditionally on the day before, all schools have a half day of celebrations. I have missed Teachers' Day every year since I left teaching. I suppose it is because my love language is 'Words of Affirmation', but I have saved every card that my students have given me, all stuffed in folders. The first few years in my new job, I used to take out these cards on Teachers' Day, just to assure myself that I had done somethings right :)
I had a very nice Teachers' Day this year, thanks to Facebook & sms technology because I heard from many students, all over the world :) I guess it is far easier to connect with me from the ease of their homes now. I also had a dedication in The Straits Times and that was sweet. I guess all these wishes were extra special to me because of my rotten year . My self esteem was feeling quite bashed up and bedraggled so I feel blessed that my students bothered to write. Just needed to feel some love :)
I spent the day determined not to work. I had a nice long QT. I pampered myself with a visit to House where I had a long luxurious massage then got waxed and my nails done. I had CYAN in the evening so I got to worship and there was prayer for all the teachers so that made me feel the day was nicely wrapped up. Love from others, love for self and love from my God.
I have been thinking about this since J and I talked about it on Sunday... Should the truth be told? Why? Sounds like a GP essay topic, doesn't it? :)
I used to find it hard to tell the truth, especially when it concerned telling unpleasant truths. I also found it hard to tell the truth about how I was feeling and I admit that I have chosen to take the easier way out of situations by lying or mitigating the intensity of what I really felt. It is a hard thing to do - telling the truth - and many people (me included) cop out, because telling the truth is often hurtful.
Since our conversation, I have been paying attention to the times I have not told the truth in the past 3 days. It is not a pleasant experience, hearing a lie come out of your mouth and recognising it, saying to yourself "ok that's a lie" and then saying it anyway....!!!! I'm not going to tell you the actual number of lies I caught myself telling, but I realise that on all the occasions I caught myself lying, it was either because I cared what the other person thought of me or because I was afraid of the other person's reaction. Once I lied (this was absolutely the worst one!!!) because I did not want the other person to think I was a bad Christian (hang head in shame, yes...) and twice I lied because I was afraid of the other person's anger.
Interestingly, not wanting to hurt the other person's feelings was not high on my list as a reason. And I asked myself why. Was I such an uncaring person? Surely it would be better to lie if telling the truth meant hurting the other person?
I think there are 2 reasons to this aspect of me. One - I am a teacher. It is important to me that others learn. There is no desire or intention in me to judge the other person when I point out things. Setting wrong things right, correcting misconceptions, pointing out alternative viewpoints, suggesting a better way of doing things - this is what I think I need to do as a teacher. An occupational hazard, I suppose.
Two, I feel, if the people around me don't tell me the truth I need to hear, how will I know? Who will tell me "you are wrong" or "you sounded arrogant" or "you should apologize" or "that doesn't look good on you" or even "you have put on weight"? Only people who love me. Only people who are courageous and honest and care for me more than they fear my anger or hurt. I have such friends and for this I am truly grateful.
The bottomline is this - it takes courage and love to tell the truth. Jesus said "I am the Truth." And every time He encountered half-truths and lies, He gently persisted till the truth emerged. Go and bring your husband He said to the woman at the well; go sell your riches and follow me He said to the young man; you won't have the courage to stand with me He said to Peter. I'm sure all of them cringed or felt embarrassed or got really angry. Yet Jesus spoke the truth.
I know I have grown because many people spoke truths into my life. Many of these truths embarrassed me or made me feel defensive or angry. But I also know that each person who spoke the truth I needed to hear was used by God to grow me and growth comes through pain.
There is another aspect to this, of course. And that involves how we receive the truth. If we lash out at the person who tells us the truth, if we belittle them, if we react by turning on them and listing their faults to get even, then, my dears, you will be lied to. Who speaks the truth to you? Cherish them, for they love you much. Because, only very few people will speak the truth to you without fear or favour. May God bless you with such friends :)
The title startled you I know :) But I have been man-watching, yes. Not in the same way that young girls man-watch. But watching to assess, to see for myself what I value. And I realise I have changed much.
When I was younger it was physical attractiveness that caught my eye. When I was a teenager, I once said something unforgiveable. My sister had a colleague who I admired a great deal. She was tall and beautiful, she dressed well and spoke with such confidence. I was an awkward, overweight teenager and I worshipped the ground she walked on, and very smitten by the fact that she was so nice to me. She did not get married for a long time and then one day she brought her fiance to our home and introduced him to us. He was clearly much older than her, overweight and balding. I actually became really, really upset. I ran into my room and was very angry with both her and him. She came in to say goodbye and to invite me to the wedding and I blurted out at her - "He looks like a monkey. You can't marry him. He is so old and ugly." To this day, I don't quite understand what made me say that. My sister shushed me and apologised profusely but I shamefacedly remember how gracious that lady was. She brushed aside my sister's embarrassment and said to me, "One day you will understand that he is a good man." It took me a long while to grow up enough to understand her words.
Now I realise I don't look at men who are dashing. The men who make me smile today are different. I like to watch men who carry their babies; men who sit in cafes and are lost in their books; old men who hold their old wives' hands; men who pray with their wives and children; men who celebrate their women; men whose eyes laugh. Blessed are the women who have found them.
Sometimes, when my pastor preaches, he says there are some questions he wants to ask God when he gets to heaven. His questions are usually theological. My mind is too small for that. I have absurd questions that I want to ask God when I get to heaven.
For example, if I am not flat on my face in awe of God, I really want to know about Noah and the Ark. It is a story that is told in Sunday School and easily believed by 3 year olds but likely to be received with much skepticism by adults. It is one of those stories in the Bible that non-believers love to take apart.
But I really do want to know too - Were insects on that ark too? Why cockroaches God? And how did Noah feed this zoo that consisted of the whole ecosystem? And clean up their poo?
I don't have the answers. All I can say, right now is, I don't know. But it is in the Word of God. One day, He will tell me. Or maybe at that time, I will not care.You think I've gone nuts, right? :)
" For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace."
- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
I love these verses. They give me perspective. They help me to look beyond the confusion, irritations, disappointments and pain of the day to day. They teach me not to be complacent or arrogant when all things seem to be going my way. And they teach me to wait, because God isn't done yet. Sometimes we build bridges; sometimes we have to burn them.
I googled myself today and guess what I found? This: "Vara" by Charles Spiteri is the AHWA 2006 short story contest winner. In the short story category, the judges felt that "Vara" displayed great strength of narrative and characterisation, and gave a fresh resonance to some classic horror themes."
AHWA by the way, is the acronym for Australian Horror Writers Association. I suspect ALL my students. I know one of them is "Charles Spiteri". But I am not above suspecting my friends either. I am the horror that stalks you by night. And day. Beware.... :)
I have a fridge magnet that says "The best things in life are the people we love, the places we have seen and the memories we have made along the way". With every passing year I find myself agreeing with this thought more and more.
There was a time when a healthy bank account was very important to me. For a long time, money in the bank meant security. I fretted when my bank balance ran low and the yearly bonus was the high point of my year. I was also reluctant to spend money - especially on myself. I now realise that this attitude to money masked deep insecurities within me - a lack of self-esteem, self-love and a misplaced belief that a healthy bank balance meant I was somebody.
I thank God for how He has set me free from the love of money. For that was what it was - a love of money for what it meant to me. It was a long struggle and one that caused me a great deal of anguish. Even today, there are days I look at my bank account and feel fear. But in a strange, strange way, God has loosened the grip of my fingers. It has happened through the many many debts I have helped to settle. And I realise that which each loan that was not returned, with each debt that was paid only to recur again, with each disappointment and heartache, God has helped me to let go. He has taught me that money really does come and go, but He remains. He has taught me the truth of Matthew 6: 25 - 30:
"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?"
It is strange that today I can actually give thanks for something that caused me a lot of heartache and tears. I can give thanks because I know this to be true - God , and God alone has been my Provider. My Jehovah Jireh. He has indeed faithfully provided for me and my family.
We do not live in luxury and there are many things I confess, I desire. But by loosening my grip on money, God has taught me many lessons - that people matter more than things, that I must give without expecting obligation or returns of any kind, that someone who gives you more does not necessarily love you more and vice versa. I have learnt that money is a means, a tool. I have learnt that God is my only real security and when I am anxious about tomorrow, I must look at my yesterday and see how He provided for me. I have learnt that I must hold everything God gives me with open palms - to receive with thankfulness and to let go. At the end of the day, it does not matter how rich I am, but how enriched my life is, and how I have enriched the lives of the ones I love. Because God loves me more than the birds of the air and the grass of the field.
I came across this photograph in our Public Service in-house magazine. Do take a look. This was when we were on our highest moral horses and determined to keep the hippies with their guitars and drugs and questionable attitudes out of our clean Singapore. And what better way to identify the hippies than by their long hair, right? So we used to have these posters up in all government offices and yes, the rule was enforced :) We even banned guys with long hair from entering Singapore. The immigration officials brandished scissors and guys with long hair were given 2 options - cut those locks off or board the next plane home :)
"I learned that it is perfectly ok to be different. It is ok to be intelligent and ambitious; informed and generous; and comfortable with power. And that it is natural to want to have a strong voice and to want to play a bigger role. Because the alternative is to stay unfulfilled, restless, and powerless."
- Marina Kotsianas, 'What I Learned on My Way to 50+"
I found this quote in a website I was browsing. And it resonates with me. For too long I realise I have been pretending to be dumber than I was, not voicing my opinion even when I had one, uncomfortable when making decisions that needed to be made, just to keep the family going and an ego satisfied. No more. It is ok to disagree, it is ok to say, "thus far and no more". I am OK just the way God made me.
I know I have been to Bintan too many times when the receptionist at the hotel recognises me and says "Welcome back ibu" :) It is true. They should offer me Frequent Visitor status.
I was back at Bintan on National Day, with old friends. I read somewhere once, that it takes a long time to grow an old friend. And that is how we got here, my friends and I. Over a long time. We all used to teach together in my beloved school, Jurong Institute, which sadly, no longer exists. I am very glad our friendship has survived beyond our workplace :) Hey, we need a name!
It was a brief (but intense) 2D1N holiday as Bintan is only an hour away by ferry. It being National Day, the ferry operator actually distributed little Singapore flags to all the children on board. The sad fact was that none of the children seemed excited about these flags they were given. Even sadder was the fact that WE got really excited when we saw the flags being distributed, but got none :)
The absolutely first thing we did was to get a massage (of course) and foot reflexology while waiting for our villa to be ready. And once again, dear Shamala proves that she is an, ahem, "technical wizard" by getting her finger into the view finder... :)
I would say we walked along the beach as after all, we were on an island...
but this is where we really wanted to get to... Yes, my friends, you KNOW this is true ;)
I would say we swam in the pool, but again, with the exception of Mini, this is all we wanted to do...
So, hey, it was a GREAT holiday. In no order of importance, the highlights of our holiday were
fantastic, honest conversations
great massages
'silky tresses' from the hair spa :)
the end of 'teetotaller' status for one :)
Tamil songs especially "athi thai thai thai (sic)" and ""sentamizhnattu tamizhichiye" :)
lots of laughter
reciting the pledge at 8.10pm :)
pseudo dieting :)
'Sex and the City' - oh, ever mine, ever thine, ever ours... hahahaha...
pigging out at buffet breakfast
jacuzzi :)
great conversations - oops, have I said that already? Never mind, it is worth repeating :)
I have a friend, Rita, whom we tease mercilessly, because she repeats almost everything she says. She does it for emphasis, and especially if it is a nugget of wisdom, she needs to be sure that her listeners have got it. Really, really, really got it :)
I think it is an occupational hazard. We teachers tend to do it – to say the same thing over again, in case you didn’t get it the first time. That’s how we become dangerously close to being nags. Ok, I admit it, we do nag. The one thing that shuts me up is when I remember Solomon’s priceless analogy of the nagging wife and a dripping tap (“A quarrelsome wife is like constant dripping on a rainy day”! (Prov 27:15)
But, I have learnt, in my walk with God, that His way is different. He never hits me on the head with a sledge-hammer. Though there have been times when I have wished He would and just tell me what I need to hear! Nor is he like the nagging wife in Proverbs.. drip, drip, drip…aaagh!
No, God has been gentle with me. There have been aspects of my character He wanted to put right. There have been lessons about myself that He wanted me to learn. There was knowledge He had wanted to reveal to me. But He has been very gentle with my fragile soul.And He has repeated many lessons in different ways.
I spent this last weekend reading through some of my old journals and I have been amazed at some lessons I have recorded. There were verses that I had forgotten, there were sermon notes that made a different sense to me now than then. I remembered advice given to me by my best friend that had hurt me then but which makes sweet sense to me now. An old dream that was interpreted to me… And I am amazed at my God’s care for me.
A good teacher knows, the child will not learn unless he is ready to hear what you have to tell him. He needs to be at the right place emotionally, intellectually and in terms of maturity before he can receive what you have to teach him in a meaningful way. And I realize God has been preparing me and growing me and waiting for me in the same patient way.
Over and over again, I have seen God’s patience with me. Patient when I rejected Him and turned to other gods, patient when I struggled with Him and said no, patient when I searched for Him, patient when I fought Him and wanted my own way, patient when I turned away from Him and tasted the fruit of sin, patient when I waited far off not trusting that He would welcome me back home again. And now, He has been patient, while I have been angry with Him, patient while I argued, patient while I cried.
Yet through it all, He has taught me about myself, my weaknesses, my strengths, my needs. And He has taught me about Himself, who He is. Yes, my God repeats Himself. He has repeated lessons I have not learnt. And He shows me repeatedly that He never changes. And He repeats no matter how many times I ask Him, just how much He loves me.
I am thinking about going on a Holy Land Tour. It is a trip I have been wanting to take for a long time. My friend, Dot, and I almost went last year but the trip got postponed because the organisers had left booking the air tickets too late. Now another opportunity has opened up with a group from the Singapore Bible College. Should I go?
My heart says, yes. My head says, you have got to be kidding me.
My sister Su said, go. Because she postponed a trip to Trinidad and missed the chance to see her good friend before she died. My bank account protests and pleads with me to be a responsible mum. My best friend says, go - you promised me that for one year you will not sit out and that you will dance. My body says, 14 days of touring? are you up to it? The voice of Ms Not-good-enough says, you aren't in a good enough place with God to walk where He walked. But the voice of Ms Child-of-God says, what utter rubbish, when did Jesus ever say that?
I thought last year had been a year of much travelling but this year has turned out to be just as mad. This month especially, I have felt quite disoriented because I literally moved my clothes out of one suitcase into another. I was in Depok, Indonesia for a conference til Fri 9 Jul, then moved into an overnight bag for my weekend in Bintan with the girls on 10 Jul, and then into a bigger suitcase for my trip to London on 15 Jul.
I feel out of touch with what is going on at office and am quite ready right now for the routine and normalcy of the work week. Makes me wonder - would I chafe if I were to retire? I keep talking fondly of looking forward to retirement, but sometimes, I am not so sure I would enjoy days of nothing but leisure. And there is quite a bit of truth, I have discovered, in Paul's words in 1 Tim 5:13 - talking of the idle women in church he said "And besides they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house, and not only idle but also gossips and busybodies, saying things which they ought not" . Hahahaha. This I must not become :)
So what have I been up to in London? There was the baptism of my newest grand-niece, Marisha...
Catching up with family...
Great Quiet Times at Maya's dining table with this lovely reminder of God's creation...
Many cups of cappucino (skinny!), many many slices of Maya's chocolate cake.... Watched a movie (Inception) that messed with my mind in an exciting way... Watched a play (War Horse) that was a technical wizardry where the life sized horse puppets outshone the human actors hands down... .
And celebrated my niece Vidhya's first wedding anniversary at a fantastic Italian restaurant... To think it has been a year already since I last was here for my sister Su's 60th birthday and Vidhya's wedding!
So here I am, going to pack in a bit, getting ready to go home. I pray I will have as enjoyable a flight back as I did coming here. I pray I don't get another kiss-y couple in the seats next to me! Pray all the babies will sleep. Oh yeah - pray for journey mercies :)
So here I am blogging from a university town called Depok, about an hour's drive from Jakarta. The traffic chaos I had experienced on my last trip into this city is still fresh on my mind, and of course, nothing has changed.
I am here on an official trip this time, attending a conference with other delegates from South East Asian countries. There are 4 of us in the Singapore delegation. Mostly we feel like frauds because we don't have even a fraction of the problems that the other countries face. The focus of this seminar is on how marginalised minorities in some SEAsian countries can be helped to access mainstream education. These marginalised minorities usually speak a different language from that used in the schools and therefore the children who do not speak the mainstream language find it difficult to cope in school and drop out early. This leads to succeeding generations being trapped in the same economic state and unable to progress because their mother tongue isn't the language of education.
Anyway, I must say that, thankfully, the colleagues I am travelling with are a crazy bunch, so we have kept each other in stitches. We raced off to shop and eat the first day we got here before the conference started and booked our massages ;)
The conference started yesterday and I must say we were taken aback by the way the room was set up. I felt like I was a UN delegate, what with the Singapore flag on my table and all.
That look on my face is nervousness - in case we were asked to share our country's experiences with Multi Lingual education ;)
Here we are with the delegation from Malaysia...
And flying our national colours... We almost ended up posing with the Indonesian flag though because they are so similar!
