Not-So-Simple Rule #8: The Mettle of a Soldier is Tested in Battle

I have neglected this list for a while now and it has been bugging me. So, here we are, my daughters, at the end of my list of Not-So-Simple rules – No. 8. And what does it mean to test the mettle of your date as a soldier? That when you choose a man to date, my daughters, you must watch how he fights with you., for it will save you many tears in the years ahead.

Last month, I read about a young actress who got married in South Africa; she cooed to the media about how she and her husband had fought only six times during their courtship. Perhaps that was a sign to her that the life ahead was going to be one of marital bliss. If I were her mother I would have been seriously worrried. Because, my daughters, if you and your date do not argue or have full blown “I’m so going to kill you” fights at all during your courtship days, be wary, for it is a sign of dishonesty or disengagement; not perfect harmony.

My daughters, all of us are fallen beings. None of us is perfect and when two complex human beings come together, it is unnatural for them to have an intense relationship without ever having conflicts. The best of friendships are the ones that survive misunderstandings, fears and tears, and, my daughters, I really do pray that the one you date is first and foremost, your best friend. Just as in deep friendships, in a dating relationship, a lack of conflict is not a healthy thing.

Each one of us is uniquely made and each one of us has a personality, a plethora of likes and dislikes, values, opinions and habits. If you analyse the different romance novels and movies, you will find a kernel of truth beneath all the fluff, and that is that many people are attracted to someone quite unlike them. It is immature to expect your date to be like you and to have the same personality as you. Yet many couples of different personalities have a successful relationship because they have learnt to celebrate their differences, to build on each other’s strength and compensate for each other’s weakness. Far from being an ideal partnership, a relationship that has no conflicts is, most likely, not an honest one.

My daughters, it is important for you to talk about issues that matter. It is important for you to be able to disagree and hold different views. It is important that the man you date respects your mind, your opinion and your dignity. It is important that he fights fair. The relationship, my daughters, must not be an issue of control or power play because if one has to win, then it can only mean that the other has to lose.

For some men, the fear of conflict is so great that they withdraw from anything that has even a vague whiff of confrontation. They will not be happy with the situation, but they will not express their real feelings and so you will never have a quarrel. To outsiders this might appear to be a perfect relationship, but danger can lurk beneath the calm surface. The soldier who is afraid of conflict has no mechanism to handle conflict and represses his feelings. Repressed or ignored feelings, my daughters, do not just disappear.

Some men see conflict as threats and feel a need to assert themselves most often through anger; they raise their voice, they intimidate, they insist on being the victors. In such a relationship, my daughters, you will find yourselves trying to keep the peace at all costs. You will be looking out for trigger points, you will accommodate his needs and you will be fearful .

Some men sulk. They mope around, waiting for you to cajole them out of their unhappiness, baby them out of their sadness and nurse their hurts and you will be the one to give in. This , my daughters, is emotional manipulation and your conflicts will not get resolved because the issues will simply tire you out.

My daughters, which type of a soldier will you date? Some soldiers avoid fights; some soldiers rush into battle and lose their heads; some soldiers retreat and nurse their hurts in silence; some soldiers will fight to win at all cost, no holds barred. And when the battle has been fought and won, my daughters, ask yourself, how is peace restored? Some soldiers are grudging and take a long time to make peace; some soldiers will want to rub their opponent’s nose in the mud and remind them of their lost battle every chance they get.

My daughters, the mettle of a soldier is seen only when you are able to see how he fights, how he wins and how he loses. The good soldier does not shy away from battles that need to be fought. But the good soldier respects the courage and strength of his opponent and gives his opponent the dignity of a fair fight. The good soldier is gracious even when he wins and the good soldier will treat the vanquished with dignity.

It is natural to think of dating and courtship will be an exhilarating time. The movies always end at the point when they kiss or when they get married.; the media has definitely created enough make-believe. But real life begins soon enough and when it does, I pray, that you will be blessed with good soldiers, my daughters.

I love you both very, very much.