My Sadness Is Mine

I have decided that there is one thing I will never say to a grieving person: "There are others who have it worse than you".

One of the many things I appreciate about 'Search For Life' that I facilitate is the wisdom of letting a person "grieve her grief". This means I sit quietly, I don't reach out to hug or touch the person, I can put a tissue box within her reach, but I don't put a tissue in her hand. Instead I wait and then I ask permission before offering a tissue or a comforting hand. The first time I heard this instruction, I felt it was a cold, heartless thing to do - to let a person sit there crying. But I have since learnt the wisdom of this. Many times, we don't allow people to "grieve their grief". A tissue is pressed into your hand and it sops your tears. A touch can inhibit. But sitting in a circle just grieving gives a person freedom from pretense, freedom to mourn. 

Telling someone "think of others who have it worse than you" diminishes the grief, negates it, trivializes it, infantalises it. It is a way of telling someone, your grief doesn't matter. But it does. Every sadness matters. Whether the pain and sadness come from a lost wallet, a grazed knee, a divorce or death, that pain matters. 

Yes, there can be disproportionate grieving, and yes, sometimes we do have to help a grieving person 'move on' as too much grief carried for too long can cause serious harm and take its toll on us as well as others around us. But knowing when to do this requires discernment. 

I think, maybe, we carry a mental checklist that decides some sadnesses are lower on a scale than others. Maybe even that some sins are on a lower scale than others. But just as a sin is a sin and the gravity of all sins is the same in the sight of God, I believe, every tear is the same to God as well. When the Psalmist says "You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in a bottle. Are they not in your book? (Ps 56:8), I believe that means every tear I cry. That  God did not pour out the tears of anger, or tears cried over harsh words and saved only 'big" tears like those cried over losing a loved one. 

So, yes, I have many blessings and much to be thankful for. Yes, there are people who have lost far more than I have. Yes, there are people who have experienced greater injustices and pain than I have. I will cry for them too. But for now, for a while, I need to grieve my grief.