Not-So-Simple Rule #4: 3Fs = Pass

So here is the long-awaited Rule #4 :)

Contrary to conventional exam grading systems, my daughters, 3 Fs would be a good checklist to rate potential boyfriends to see if he passes.

1.Faith - I am sure you saw this one coming, right? I cannot emphasise enough, how important this is. This is so important that a guy who doesn't share your faith shouldn't even be a blip on your radar! :) When God called the Israelites out of Egypt and made a covenant with them, He was very clear on this - when you go into the land I give you, do not marry the people of the land. And a major reason for this was that God knew that when His children marry those who worship other gods, it would just be a matter of time before they started adopting the rituals, practices, thoughts and behaviours of their spouses. Because you WILL compromise.

This is not an old-fashioned, narrow minded rule like the practices of some communities who want marriages to be within the same ethnic group or caste. Dating someone who shares your faith is important because when you are dating, you will be vulnerable. The dating phase is when many young people compromise on who they are and how they usually behave and what they prefer, because the desire to please the other person and win his approval is very great (hence the importance of Rule #1). So it will start with small things like feeling awkward saying grace before you eat because he doesn't. Then it will extend to other areas like not talking about God or not giving glory to God for things that happen because it will seem awkward. Then you will start bringing in God only when there are problems - like saying "Oh I will pray about that." instead of God being a vital part of your lives together. And as you get more and more involved in the relationship, you will give up more and more and by the time you get to the wedding, you will be ready to not even have a Christian ceremony because of how awkward it will all be. Marriage preparation claseses? Not a hope! Getting a pastor to marry you? No way that is going to happen!

Ask yourself - are there aspects of your date's faith that you hide from Christian friends or fudge when you talk to your pastor? Is your date's relationship with God something you talk about? If not, why? Is God in the middle of your conversations? Or do you say you will pray about issues on your own, away from each other? If you don't talk about God as a couple and how God is changing you or what God is teaching you and marvel at how God is growing you as a couple, do you think things will change after marriage? Are you and your date just great together or are you great together because you see God's Hand in your lives every day? These are important questions you need to ask and pause to ask yourself why if you answer them in the negative.

2. Family - Another F to consider is how the guy you like relates to his family, how he reacts to your family, what his family thinks of you and what your family thinks of him. Once you start dating, you are likely to become so wrapped up in each other that you will begin to think that the only thing that matters is the two of you. While this may be true early in your relationship, you will soon find that familial relationships will begin to intrude in many ways. How the guy you date relates to his family is important because it will tell you what his attitude towards familial relationships are - how he treats his parents and his siblings will give you a very good indication of how he will treat your parents and siblings and how he will treat you and your children in the future. Also ask yourself how your family feels about him as a person and be willing to hear them out without becoming defensive. Your family knows you in ways even you may not know yourself and they might see aspects of your relationship that you are blind to. If you hide aspects of your date from your family or are ashamed to tell your family about some things, then that should be a warning to you that all may not be right. If you hide something from your family because you think they would not approve of him or accept him if they knew this, then, my daughters you really should drop this guy like a hot potato :) Watch closely when his family members speak of him or to him - because like your family, his family knows him well too and what is left unsaid can sometimes mean a great deal.

3. Friends - This is one barometer you should consult as well before you embark on a steady relationship. Does he introduce you to his friends and do they like him? Are you eager to introduce him to your friends and do they like him? A sure sign that this may not be the guy for you is if your friends feel uncomfortable around him or if he does not introduce his friends to you. If in dating him you find yourself drawing away from your own circle of friends, beware! The friends you knew and enjoyed spending time with before you knew him are a valuable part of your life. If your date feels uncomfortable around them, it should be a sign to you that things are not all that they seem to be. The guy you date should encourage you to spend time with your friends and he should have a circle of friends that he continues to keep in touch with. Dating does not mean seeing only each other exclusively. Such exclusivity will result in you having only one perspective of any situation that arises - his. Your friends should be able to welcome the guy you are dating into their company and enjoy his presence without a feeling of constraint. Mutual friends are important and you should feel comfortable with his best friends too. If the guy you date begins to find fault with your friends or forces you to choose between him and your friend, alarm bells should ring, my daughters.

So, my daughters, check for the 3 Fs before you decide that this is the one, for they will give you a pretty good indication as to whether you should commit :)

My First Glog

Hey Prav - this one is for you! I created a glog at the workshop I attended today! Here it is. The techno-cavewoman has evolved :)

In God's Waiting Room

Every now and then, things stop happening in my life and God puts me in His waiting room. Right now is one such time.

There are many ways to describe it; I used to think of it as being "in limbo". But yesterday, in a counselling course I attended, I was asked to define what "being in limbo" feels like. And I realised that "in limbo" does not accurately capture how I feel like now. Because being in limbo comes from the Roman Catholic theology that believes that "limbo" is where innocent souls like babies or virtuous people who lived before Christ came, live. "In limbo" also seems to imply some kind of neglect or confinement. And I realise that that is NOT how I feel. So I shall stop using that phrase.

I do not feel that I am waiting for the release of God's grace and mercy. I certainly do not feel that God is neglecting me. On the contrary I know that although God is silent right now, He is with me. Definitely with me, on my side, in God's Waiting Room.

It is not a comfortable place to be for me. Because I am by nature a scheduled person. I like to plan, I live by my calendar, I am an obsessive to-do list maker. So it is hard not knowing what to do next. Do I apply for Professional Development Leave? Do I do a course? Shall I opt for part time work and study? What work is there for me to do next year? There are no answers.

But I have been looking back at my journal, looking for what God has been speaking into my life. And this I know - He has grown me in this area of my life in a sure way. Where I used to fret, and plead and ask a hundred questions and ask for advice from anyone willing to listen, I now have learnt to be still and wait. The Waiting Room of God can be a frustrating place to be, but I am learning that God has been growing me in small, sure ways to come to a point of complete trust in Him. I have not reached that place yet. But I know He will keep me in this Waiting Room until I do. But He is sitting here with me, patiently.

Today, in church, I heard Him again. Pastor Laura shared a vision of a tunnel with a glimmer of light at the end though the light seems far away. And she spoke the same words I sensed in my heart - that God was asking me to trust Him,to not worry about the journey ahead, to accept just enough light for the step I am on, no more.

So that is where I am - in God's Waiting Room. Not in limbo, but held in His hands, listening in anticipation, trusting that God who loves me immeasureably more than my human mind can imagine, knows exactly what is there in my tomorrows.

My Quote of the Day Today!!!!

No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

Not-So-Simple Rule #3: Lions are Bad News

Beware, my daughters of Lions, for if you date a lion, you will have to be prepared to be a lioness.

Lions are men who are attractive, attentive and charming but are only interested in dating because they are looking for 'trophy dates'. A 'trophy date' is someone who draws the admiring glances of others around you, like the models on the arms of footballers :) I know you are protesting that you aren't models or actresses but many young women are potential 'trophy dates' because they are popular, or smart or well-liked by others or even godly. Lion-men try to covet women who other men are interested in. Winning women who are liked by other men adds to the 'trophy' value of these women when they finally say yes to these men who are courting them.

Being courted by a Lion-man can be a heady experience because lions will pull out all the stops and stop at nothing to impress. They are attentive dates, they woo with the exact qualities they know you are looking for, because lions do their research and their stalking for a long time before they initiate the wooing process. So there will be extra attention, romantic gestures, lavish gifts, the works. And it will be very hard not to be impressed. :)

But once the courting period is over and they are sure of their catch, a number of things can and will go wrong. The worst that can happen is that the lions miss the thrill of the courtship and wooing and stray - by beginning the courting and wooing with the next woman they fancy. Because the thrill is in the hunt and the desire to add another 'trophy' can sometimes prove too strong. So even while these lions are in a relationship, they will not curb their flirting ways. If the woman they are dating complains, the lion men get very upset and either accuse their dates of being jealous and possessive or just declare that that is the way they are and that the women would have to accept them like this. Both such statements, my daughters, are danger signs to heed and to make a fast exit.

If the lion stays without straying, there is another aspect their dates will have to contend with. The lion does not hunt; the lioness does. Lion-men are often too busy preening their mane and "being the man" that they do not have the energy to invest time and effort in building their family. Remember this if you ever date a lion. The lion does not bring up the cubs and the lion feeds on the prey that the lioness hunts and carries back. Lion men make self-indulgent mates who will be romantic when they want to pacify their mate, often with extravagant, larger-than-life gestures and sweet words. But when it comes to paying the bills, staying up for night feeds and keeping track of school events for the children - baby, you are on your own!

So, unless you want to be the lioness - supporting, propping, paying and desperately praying - steer clear of lions! And how will you know he is a lion? He will put a great store by appearances (telling you what looks good on you, calling you sweet names like 'hey gorgeous'), he will be very proud of the way he looks (the mirror checking will be a dead giveaway) and he will likely have a poor work ethic (either holding a series of flashy short-lived jobs, or not putting in his best in his job and often encouraging his date not to as well)......

So if there is a handsome guy on the horizon who is being especially attentive and your girl friends are falling over themselves trying to get his attention and he is setting his zoom lens on you, turn and run, my daughters because Lions are Bad News!!!!!! :)

Not-So-Simple Rule #2: Ox + Ass = Crooked Furrow

You are familiar with this rule, my daughters - "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers" (2Cor 6 :14). This reference in the Bible does not specifically refer only to marriage but to any close relationship or partnership you would enter into. But most often, it is cited as the reason why it would be unwise to date (and marry) a non-believer.

Familiar though this might be, it is a not-so-simple rule because the unequal yoking could not just be between a believer and a non-believer, but also between 2 believers. So it is not just a straightforward admonishment to only date and marry a Christian, but also to check where each one of you is with the Lord.

Dating someone of a different faith from you is asking for trouble. In the first flush of romance, it will seem as if you can work ANYTHING out! Often the first attraction is a physical one and the other party is so very keen to get into your good books and be accepted by you that he will promise anything to anyone. Strong Christians are very attractive. Increasingly, in today's society, faithful Christian young men and women who choose not to party, not to sleep around, not to get caught up in the posturing and pretence, are attractive to the average decent blokes out there. These are good guys we are talking about - they get their grades, they aren't fooling around, they are nice - and they are looking. And these are the guys you need to be careful not to fall for because they will have nothing counting against them - except that they do not know the Lord.

You will need to be even more careful when it is another Christian. Because professing the faith is not the same as living it. It is a living relationship of faith that counts. A Christian who enjoys a vibrant relationship with God who dates a Christian who is lukewarm in his relationship, is still unequally unyoked. And this relationship is more dangerous because the cracks will not start showing till much, much later. Because you think the guy you are dating is a Christian, you will miss small warning signs or overlook shortcomings or forgive stumblings. Then you will start to make small compromises as well, because you love this person so much. And that my dears is when God will get edged out of your lives and become a convenient person you remember on Sundays.

The image of unequal yoking is an apt one. If you remember the account of creation in Genesis, you will remember how often the phrase "each according to its kind" is repeated. If I tried to plow my field by yoking an ox and an ass together, I will not get a straight furrow. The stronger animal will be pulling at a different speed and with greater strength. The weaker animal will struggle and might collapse. The stronger animal will set the pace because of its superior strength and the weaker animal will either give up or be at the mercy of the stronger animal or in extreme cases, collapse from the exhaustion of being unequally yoked. A relationship where a believer is yoked with an unbeliever is in danger of the same fate.

And it will be true even if you were both believers but one had a stronger relationship with God than the other. If I put a weak ox together with a strong ox, I still would not get a straight furrow because the slow ox will slow down the stronger ox, or leave the strong ox to do all the work while it goes along for the ride. More worryingly, the stronger ox here may not necessarily be the Christian and in that case it will just be a matter of time before the cracks start to show and then compromises will be made.

If both the animals who are yoked are strong, such as a strong ox and a strong horse, then you can imagine the chafing there is going to be under that yoke. I will still not get the nice furrow I want because each animal will be trying to set the pace, each will want to go its way. I might have matched the 2 animals in strength, but they are still unequally yoked. For a straight furrow, I need to match a strong ox with another strong ox or a strong horse with another strong horse - equal yoking!

So, when you date, my daughters, remember Strong Ox + Strong Ox = Straight Furrow; Ox + Ass = Crooked Furrow :)

Not-So-Simple Rule #1: Be a Dog, Date a Dog

Riiiiight.... so here we go! Aha! You thought I had forgotten didn't you? :) Here we go then, on the much-awaited, long-dreaded rules, my daughters....

Rule #1: Be a Dog, Date a Dog

This is crucial. You see, most of us are either dogs or fleas.

Dogs are self-sufficient, independent and emotionally stable. Fleas, on the other hand, are dependent on their hosts (the dogs) for survival. Men and women who are fleas are emotionally needy, looking for someone else to complete them and to make them happy. Men and women who are dogs are attractive because they are stable, they are rescuers and providers. So fleas flock to them.

Fleas look for dogs to give them affirmation, a sense of value and a sense of belonging. When a flea dates a dog, the relationship is a needy one. The flea is emotionally dependent on the dog and sometimes these relationships work out because the dog feels needed. The dog revels in its superior position and gives the flea the affirmation it is looking for. But sometimes, the dog begins to despise the flea for the very neediness that it liked initially and then the relationship can become manipulative, degrading or toxic. The flea will try to be more needy because that was what the dog was doing in the early stages of the relationship - rescuing and providing. But when the dog tires of this one sided feeding relationship, the flea, my dears has nothing to sustain itself on. Exit flea.

If the dog is a nice dog, he/she will continue to carry this flea for a long, long time. But the flea will remain in a emotionally / financially / physically dependent relationship and will not grow to be anything else.

Now when a flea dates a flea... Ooooh. This one is a goner from the start. Because neither one of the 2 fleas has anything to offer except their own neediness. But there are many, many couples in this sort of a relationship. Because needy fleas recognise the neediness in other fleas and they tell each other their sad stories, find solace that someone at last 'understands', and think that they will build a better world for themselves. Many people who are fleas don't realise they are dating other fleas because their own sense of neediness makes them think that anyone who shows interest in them must be worthy of their undying love. Fleas think so lowly of themselves that they believe the world is full of people who will only want to step on them, so when they find another flea who is as broken as them, they connect. But they have nothing to keep the relationship alive except superficial aspects of a relationship such as sex.

BUT when a dog dates a dog! Ah, this my dears makes for the start of a good relationship. Because both the dogs come together in a mutually affirming relationship. Each dog is its own master, each dog knows how to feed himself/herself emotionally and spiritually and does not need a host to carry it. Dogs who date dogs can go beyond emotional neediness and explore new areas of interest that will strengthen the relationship because they don't always have to worry about the fragility of the partner. Dogs have the strength to say no, when they find that there are aspects of the relationship they do not like. Dogs have the resources to be by themselves if they have to be. Dogs love themselves first and so will not be pressured to be anybody else they don't want to be because, hey, they are not needy fleas. Get it?

So, Rule #1 - Before you date someone, make sure you are a dog yourself. Then make sure you are dating a dog. If it is a flea, shake him out of your fur coat my daughters, because in the final count of things, he is just not going to be worth you! :)

Visiting Medan

Wow I can't believe it has been 2 weeks since my last tantalising post :) But I have been busy indeed!LArgely, my time these past 2 weeks has been taken up preparing for a workshop that I ran in Medan, Indonesia.

It was a GREAT experience! Although it took up a lot of preparatory time, it was worth it because I really feel I shared my love for teaching with an enthusiastic bunch of teachers. I must say the teachers at the Singapore International School (SIS) are committed and really love their students. Would you believe they don't have discipline problems? I was especially touched by the school's decision to allow the students to paint murals on the new school walls! I can't imagine any Singaporean Principal trusting their students with that. If we did, we would make sure that it was our best students who did this project! But that was not the case with SIS. The quality of the murals varied a great deal and some murals were 'not quite there'. But all these students were given a chance to decorate the school and I think it sent a really affirming message to these kids. I can only imagine what a great sense of ownership these students would have for their school!

Arranged Marriages

For some strange reason, I have been thinking about arranged marriages. And although I was horrified at the prospect of it happening to me 30 years ago, I am beginning to see now that this arrangment actually had some good things going for it.

I received my first 'proposal' when I was 24. I was in university then and I suppose my family must have been getting alarmed at my single status. Anyway, this guy came over with his mother to my sister's place to meet me. My sister pretended that it was just a guy coming over and was wary of making it too obvious that it was in effect a match-making session in progress lest I just upped and left. She tried in oblique ways to get me to wear a sari but I was at my un-cooperative best and played her at her own game by wearing what I would normally wear at home which was a shabby 'pavadai' (a long decidedly unflattering skirt) because it was just a guy coming over, right? No need to get dressed for that! Although I was determined to be un-cooperative, I must say that he was a really nice guy and the afternoon wasn't as horrendous as I imagined it would be. He was, however, a good 7 years older than me and he told his mother that he found me too young and looking back, I am thankful for his good sense for I would have had a hard time battling my family if he had said yes :) Remind me to show you his picture' ok? :)

What got me going down this memory path was a chat with my friend Ruth over breakfast this morning. She has spent a long time in Nepal and she was sharing how many young couples there who have become Christians actually ask their pastors to introduce them to other eligible young Christians as their own parents were still likely not to have accepted Christ. So the Christian pastors there have a network of sorts and look out for eligible young men and women who could be introduced to each other.

And that made me think about a big aspect of dating. Nowadays, dating is very much about the individuals themselves. When couples meet, they spend time getting to know each other but the family almost never enters the picture till much later. In fact, meeting the family is taken to be a big step in the direction of indicating that the relationship is getting more serious. But in arranged marriages, the most important thing is the family.

When looking for a potential groom, the conversations in my family centred around what were the parents like, was the mother of the groom the sort who would look after the daughter-in-law, how many sisters did the groom have and would he have to look after them financially, were there any genetic illnesses in the family, did the parents get on etc. Of course the first thing to be settled was that the family in question was of the same caste and socio-economic class, that the groom was gainfully employed and in the market for a bride. You see, this cut out so much of the angst I see now. The women then did not have to wait and whine about their long-term boyfriend not proposing or not being ready for commitment. The men were ready or else the families would not be looking! There was little doubt over finances, there were no hidden surprises and many issues such as responsibilities after marriage were worked out by the elders.

So based on my ponderings I am in the process of coming up with a guidebook to dating. It will be called '8 Not-so-simple Rules to Dating, My Daughters'. Hahahaha. Look out for the 8 Rules over the next few days! I shall do one rule at a time and you are all welcome to comment and contribute. This seems like such fun and I am sure I will mortify my daughters no end with this plan. Hahahahaha.

HAPPY TEACHERS' DAY!!!!!!