Chinese New Year symbols

Hey me darlings - let me tell you about this fun thing we did at cell last night. Blogging about my Chinese New Year weekend reminded me. We met again for cell after a long break so we did a word game as an ice-breaker. Then we started talking about how the others had spent their CNY (no, I did not tell them how I had spent mine:)

But we started talking about the things associated with Chinese New Year and I realised that it could be just as hard for a Chinese Christian during CNY as it is for me during Deepavali (remember I blogged about that too?). So we started thinking of what could be Christian about the things associated with Chinese New Year and we came up with this:

• Red banner hung across door way = a proclamation that the Blood of Christ covers this household!
• new clothes = As a person takes off old, dirty clothes in exchange for something clean and new, so the believer can take off the old, filthy “self” and exchange it for the clean and pure “self” provided by Christ.
• Greet elders with oranges = pray a blessing that the Fruits of the Spirit would be with the person
• sweet snacks = because His name is like honey on our lips and He has promised "with honey from a rock I will satisfy you" (Psalm 81:6)
• firecrackers & other noise-makers = "Make a joyful noise unto the LORD, all the earth: make a loud noise, and rejoice, and sing praise.." (Psalm 98:4)

I really think my cell members are inventive :)

I'm not blue anymore!

I feel great. I have had a good week. What made this week good? For one thing, it was a short working week! Ha ha! That explains it all! Oh that every week would consist of 3 days of work and 4 days of hang-loose-and-live-life! We had a glorious long weekend from Saturday to Tuesday for Chinese New Year and I really enjoyed myself.

On Saturday met my kakis from JI - Rita, Shamala & Mini for lunch. We went to the buffet lunch at Raffles Plaza and it was actually this extended lunch-cum-high tea thing so we started at 12.30pm and sat there till 3.30pm when I had to reluctantly leave as I was going to attend the Saturday Evening Service at 4 (Oh Joshua's sermon was worth rushing back for!). We had a great time. It is so comfortable when you talk to old friends and now that we are all split up (with only Sham left at MI) we had different stories to tell. But more than the stories is the ease with which we can talk about our struggles and the laughter that comes from the "remember that time when..." stories. Gosh, we have come a long way - from when I was having my babies to now when Mini has toddlers! It was good.

I decided not to go to the service on Sunday largely because I felt quite bad that I hadn't been cooking Sunday lunch for the past few weeks. I have committed to translating the Baptism class lessons into Tamil for a lady called Shanti who has just accepted Christ and that means that I have to be in church by 9.30am. The class finishes just in time for me to attend service at 11.00 so by the time I get back it's past 1 and we end up going out to eat. I know D prefers to eat at home so since there was no baptism class this Sunday I decided that I would just attend service on Sat and cook Sunday lunch. Not too bad - made nasi lemak and chicken sambal. It was a lazy day for us - of course we couldn't go anywhere but we had rented a whole bunch of VCDs and dear Ratna gave me 2 bottles of the best pineapple jam tarts I have ever eaten and it was bliss!And oh, Neen, if you are reading this - I watched 'Dor'. Thank you thank you for recording that movie for me. It was so so beautiful. I can't wait to see the other Hindi movies you gave me.

Highlight of Monday was meeting up with Saro in the afternoon for our secret rendezvous at the Pan Pacific - our massage!! Ooh I had a really good therapist this time. She really worked out the kinks in my back and I have booked her for my next session too. I am such a massage junkie. I wish I could afford to go every week! But it was bliss. And of course it gave us a chance to catch up with each other as well - her woes in school and my woes in office. Just a huge dump-all-the-angst-and-live-life session.

On Tues met Siva for lunch & since it was the last birthday he was celebrating as a bachelor, I decided to buy him lunch :) Went to The Vilage at Heeren and had a nice long lunch and lots of airtime about getting married and managing expectations and coping with worklife... At one point I just sat there and thought how blessed I was that I had all these kids who still wanted me to be part of their lives.That they had sat in my class and I had not messed up.That they were now adults - studying abroad, working, even teachers themselves, getting married - and we were moving on in our relationships. No longer my students for me to bully but people I really love and with whom I could talk about larger things that mattered in life beyond school.

Yah - well, that was my CNY weekend. Then went back to office for a day before we had 2 days of workplan seminar on Thu and Fri and here we are on a Saturday morning again. Just came back from a climb up Bukit Timah Hill followed by our customary breakfast with Carol, Dot, Chit and Saro and you know what? Life is good.

Praying for the Youth

Young people have been on my heart this week. And I’ve been praying that the decisions we make that affect them will really be for their betterment and not for ours. What set me off has been the articles I have been reading on Interactive & Digital Media. The buzz here at work has to do with how IDM is the next big thing – or as my more savvy colleagues would say, the big thing that is happening while other dinosaurs like me are sleeping…

So why does it worry me? Because if it is true that more than half our children are plugged into the world of gaming and that the way they learn is very different from the way the adults do, then I worry about its implications; not on economics, which is where all the attention seems to be, but on human relationships. I wonder what would be the effect on the youngster who is no longer watching violence on TV or the movies but actually participating in wreaking destruction as a player? I remember how Owen’s War Poems didn’t touch some of my students - because they had seen worse on TV or the movies. Words on a page did not move them for they had seen worse graphic images. But now, the young are no longer passive viewers, but perpetrators, the ones doing the virtual killing and maiming and being rewarded for it. What kind of emotional distancing would result from this?

And the thrill of young people being able to multi-task at what is called ‘twitch speed’ (personally speaking that sounds rather epileptic J). What of it? What impact would that have, if we cater to it in the classroom? Would the young then come to expect that the classroom must offer them multi-sensory experiences? That any experience that does not give them an answer or response immediately would be abandoned while they go in search of another? Then what of the value of ‘delayed gratification’ that Goleman was talking of? And what about the ones who are slow to talk? Would anyone have patience to listen? What about the value of reflection? The pleasure that comes out of teasing meaning out of the written word?

I feel I am on the cusp of the passing away of a way of life and the beginning of another. I wonder if all soon-to-be-50s feel this. Perhaps I am an alarmist. But I worry for the young who would be swept away by the speed, for the young who would not feel the pleasure of being immersed in a book, the solitude of being with one’s own thoughts, the ease of relationships built out of long hours of conversations. Yes, they will be having virtual conversations with young people all over the world but what will they learn that would make this person a friend? Yes, they will be quick-minded and analytical but will they know themselves better? Buying land on Second Life is fine; but we need to teach our young people to live this life well first.

Blues...

I have been struggling to be cheerful this past week. A number of things have gotten me down. Work is foremost. I am still adjusting to the changes in the office and somehow going to work has not been as fun this year. I miss Carol for the clear sense of direction she gave. This year I seem to have to find my own paths and that unsettles me. I miss Jeff for his sense of humour, his wisdom and I didn’t realise how much I miss Wah Jiam till I saw him at the workshop last week. I miss Saro for her quirkiness and the laughter. Sigh… I have come to the sad realisation that it is people who make the office and I have been happy these past 3 years because I enjoyed the company and not really because I enjoyed the work.

The workshop I conducted last week caused a lot of stress for me, because I did not feel we had prepared as much as we should have. I just feel that if Carol and Jeff had been around we would have done a more thorough job with the workshop. But I guess it was an experience we had to go through and maybe our preparations for the next one would be better. It didn’t help that my TESOL Module 2 exam is this week. I feel sorely unprepared for it, but I’m working on it now and I think I should be ready.

Physically, I have felt quite drained as well. I have developed a tennis elbow (!) and cooking is becoming a painful activity on some days. Some days it is fine and some days it hurts and I am not sure what I should do about it as there doesn’t seem to be any long term solution for it. I think my body is just slowing down – back aches, knees ache, heel aches and now elbow aches. Even the exam is a problem because I discovered during the last exam that I can’t write as fast as I used to be able to and I just have to stop and rest my hand.

Time to remind myself of my favourite verse – “Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you…” (Isaiah 46:4). I have taken a half day off tomorrow before my exam in the evening & I’m just going to REST!

"The Painted Veil"

Yesterday I watched the movie “The Painted Veil”. It’s based on a novel by the same name by Somerset Maugham (once described as the best second rate British author – because he is extremely readable but you don’t feel you’re reading trash because his writing has enough depth to keep you thinking.. ha ha). And I think the same could be said of the movie – it is light enough and not an you-have-to-be-focused-or-you’ll-miss-the-plot kind of movie (think ‘Syriana’) or epic and large like “The Lord of the Rings’ movies. But still intelligent and nuanced enough to make it the kind of movie you can talk about with people (you know, without prefacing your discussion with “I don’t know WHY I went to watch the movie, but… just to save face and keep people from writing you off as an idiot :)

Well, I enjoyed the movie. There – I’ve said it. I think it’s the most nuanced movie I’ve seen in a while (sigh… may be, because all that I get to see are Tamil movies on tv on Saturday nights… sad life). What was interesting was the complexity of emotions, the layered characterisation and oh, the gorgeous cinematography! But portrayal of tensions within the main characters (Naomi Watts & Edward Norton) was really interesting, especially the way their relationship actually develops in the reverse, from enmity, anger and disappointment in the initial stages of the marriage to slow growth of appreciation of the other, acceptance and love. The historical and political turmoil of China against which the story is set, is an interesting angle as well and China comes across not just as the setting for the story but a real place with real issues and contributing to the bewilderment, isolation and final acceptance felt by the characters as well.

The movie got me thinking. It made me realise again that behind every human mistake there is a story of weakness and need. That human beings are complex. And people are capable of much more sacrifice, love and forgiveness than we think possible. Hmmm... I wonder what the title means...

Goings, Comings and the In Betweens

It's been a really long time since I wrote. And as I think over the past month or so, everything seems to be defined by people going somewhere or coming back or coming and then going again...

Where do I begin? First we went to Laos - Rubhi and I, and it was a wonderful trip. Met new people whom I enjoy meeting again in church - that somehow makes me feel more connected, more a part of SJSM. And I had a defining moment of God's grace - an assurance from God, that teaching is the gift He has given me and that there is a purpose to my life. It was a wonderful realisation for me because I had been searching for a sense of purpose the whole of last year. Reading 'The Purpose-driven Life' did not help as I did not see things fall into place as described in the book and I also was left feeling unsatisfied after the book was done by my cell group as I felt that the questions that mattered to me had not been answered. But when I walked into the classroom in Kutsamphat, I had a strong feeling that felt like I had come home! I looked at the faces of the children, the familiar blackboard and had a strong feeling in my heart that this was it - this is what I was created to do, this was God's gift to me, the way I could be of use to another human being. I can't describe fully the joy this realisation brought to me! So what do I do now? Sitting in MOE, on the way to becominga Specialist and far away from the classroom! I don't know. But I do know that God's purposes do not come to nothing. There is a reason for my stint in MOE and at His appointed time, He will put me back in the classroom to do His appointed work and I will do it all the better because of the time I have spent in MOE. So I wait.

Then my darling Jennani came back - on the same evening that Rubhi and I came back from Laos. And it was a mad swirl of activities. Shopping for Christams, celebrating Christmas, going away for a family weekend in JB. It was fun. This Christmas was a truly blessed one. Rubhi was baptised and we used the occasion to invite the extended family to church for the baptism and then lunch at our place. It was wonderful to have Sitha and Mala with the kids attend Christmas service with us. It would have been wonderful to have had the whole clan, but all in God's time. Pastor Joshua's sermon spoke right into my heart. And I was really surprised when Durai said after the service that he had enjoyed the sermon. It's an important lesson I will treasure in all my dealings with people and when I deal with myself - that there is a Gomer and a Mary in all of us! And with God's grace, we can grow to be more like Mary :)

Then dear dear Ian came back from Perth. He is truly a wonderful brother in Christ. I was touched by the outpouring of love that I saw and heard. Everybody loves the Dierdens! They have given so much of themselves, been so much a part of the youths' lives that their absence was felt most keenly and when we welcomed them back for a couple of weeks it was clear that there just wasn't enough time for them to meet all the people who wanted to spend time with them! Durai, Jen and I went to the Fireplace (where they were staying) to have breakfast last Friday before they left. It was great fun but on hindsight I wish we had talked more about them and less about ourselves! What a blessed life. Wow Lord, help me to have the same love, humility, genuine-ness that radiates from that family. They have touched so many lives that I can truly say that when I think of them, I see most clearly of all, what a Christ-centred life looks like.

Then the Dierdens went away to Laos on Sunday. The number of people who turned up at the airport was unbelievable. When Ian and family walked around, there was an entourage of young and old people in their wake! As I said to Cecelia, it was as if we were trailing behind a celebrity! And when Ian gave his farewell speech, I thought I was going to cry. Me! An almost 50 year old! But I was moved, not just by the sense of loss I felt, but also overwhelmed by the love that I could feel in Ian's voice. All I can say now is Lord, bless and keep this family in your loving hands for they have been instruments of Your love and peace to many.

Then I heard yesterday that half a prayer has been answered! Maya has got a job at NUH and she will be coming in August to work for a year here! Praise God! And I say half a prayer because I had prayed for the whole family to come to Singapore to work (and not just for a year, but permanently!) but Owen will be staying back. So it will be Maya, Rohan and Yati who will be here. And dear God, in this I am trusting in Your wisdom. I believe that all doors open at Your will and close at Your will. How this year will impact the family, I do not know. But I do know that in Your sovereign will all things will work out to the good of those who believe. So we will enjoy this year and trust You in all things. Amen!

Going to JC - the next "going" in our family - Rubhi's milestone. She has joined ACJC and seems to be enjoying herself so far. It means that she comes home later these days and I am thankful that the college is within walking distance so she isn't spending hours travelling. But it's a new experience for her and in a way, I feel we have reached the last educational stage in our family as after this, it's the university, career choices and all the other different kinds of excitement that come along. But Rubhi has had an eventful 2 months - from the joy of getting good results for the Prelims, to the stress and exhaustion of the 'O' levels, to the affirmation of baptism on Christmas Day and Confirmation last weekend! And Pastor Rennis said what was on my mind - that this child was characterised by the joy she radiates. Dear Lord, keep her joyful in Your service and love.

The final going away has been Jennani's. She flew back after the Christmas break and even as I write this, she is somewhere between Narita and Dulles on a long, long flight. I am so proud of the way she has grown to fight her fear of flying. She doesn't allow it to paralyse her but faces it. And Father God, You are so so gracious that it takes my breath away sometimes. That our smallest of prayers are answered. Thank you God for Your journey mercies - I had prayed for clear skies on Sunday, while driving back from the airport after sending Ian off. The dark clouds, wind and rain made it obvious that mid-air turbulence was to be expected and I know how scary that can be even for those without a fear of flying. And yes, though it has been pouring non-stop these days, we have had good weather and clear skies and this mother's heart is a lot less anxious, Father.

And so here I am. Above all, feeling so so thankful Jesus. For all that You have blessed me with. For promises kept. For love I have seen. And assurance that though I may not always see it, Your hand is in all things that happen... The reminder that "The Lord will watch over your coming and going, both now and forever more" (Psalm 21:8). Amen.

We're Back!

Rubhi and I are back in one piece from Laos. It was a great experience and I'm really glad I went even though there was one night when I was on the verge of tears and I told God I'm never coming back :) That was the night we stayed in the village that ARDA has adopted. It was definitely my worst night in recent memory. We all came back from our night in the village all grubby and in a foul mood and agreeing that Singapore was paradise on earth.

Actually I feel I gained more than I gave. Teaching in the village was a huge challenge and I felt seriously unequipped but what was wonderful was the way the kids were so thirsty to learn. They were like sponges! And it was not just the young ones - even the teachers would hang outside the classrooms listening and repeating whatever I taught the kids. And during the break, the older teens came to learn the same lessons! I just wish we had had more teachers on the team and we could have taken more classes!

I was also blessed by the affirmation I received from God during the trip. I have been praying for a while now about what my life was all about. Maybe it's mid-life crisis - but I've been feeling dissatisfied and feeling that my life didn't make much sense & really thinking about what I want to do with the rest of my life. Part of the reason why I applied to be posted to MOE was also because I wanted to try something else. But the trip to Laos was a real affirmation for me that what God has called me to do is really teach. The first day I walked into the village classroom, I had an overwhelming feeling that I was home! And the morning after our uncomfortable night in the village I was really sick but when I started teaching I just didn't feel the headache, the runny nose and the aching joints at all & hardly noticed the hour going by. So I feel really blessed and it feels strange that I went to be a blessing but return feeling more blessed :) But I'm quite confused as well because my posting in MOE has been extended for 3 years till 2009 so I seem even further away from teaching! Oh well...

Interesting Poem

"When I walk to the edge
of all the light I have
and take that step into
the darkness of the unknown
I believe one of two things will happen.

There will be something
solid for me to stand on
or I will be taught to fly."

Doing Small Things Faithfully

Some days I think I don't have the strength to do God's will. I feel He asks too much of me and I'm overwhelmed by my human-ness. Sometimes I respond with resignation and say "I can't do that"; sometimes I get angry with Him and say "It was easier when I wasn't a Christian. You ask me to do such difficult things." But God takes all my nonsense and patiently waits till I am ready to obey. Because after all the struggle I have to accept that it is the right thing to do.

Today Pastor Stanley talked about much the same thing in his sermon - CHOOSING to walk through the narrow gate because that is the road that will lead to Christ; CHOOSING to bear fruits that are worthy of Christ. But I'm struggling, even now, to obey. To give up self-indulgence, immediate self-gratification - for the unseen promise of eternity that can only come with self-denial and discipline.

It is a daily choice to obey. A daily choice to keep your mind, spirit and body sanctified for God's use. It is a difficult struggle for me - especially at times when I feel time is running out, another year has passed & I have yet to see the fruits of my obedience.

But God is asking me to leave my tomorrows and my yesterdays in His hands. To just be faithful where I am today. Words I read in The Sunday Times today come to mind - "measure success by whether we do good, rather than whether we do well".... To do small things that draw attention to God rather than big things that draw attention to ourselves. So I need to ask how I can turn my gaze from looking inward to looking more upward and outward. To do small things faithfully - like the driver of a taxi I got into yesterday... Just above each door handle of his taxi he had printed "Knock and the door shall be open to you". How marvellous - a simple message, but what a wonderful opportunity to begin a conversation with any passenger who asks and to share the gospel.I have much to learn, Lord.

Going to Laos

I took a DEEEEP breath and said yes. Yes I will go to Vientiane, Laos with the small team that is going on 10 Dec. My first short-term mission trip....

I'm still full of misgivings. Chief concern is the cost because it costs twice what I thought it would. But $700 is still better than the $960 which was the original cost of going to Luang Prabhang, so I guess God has given me a discount :) I'm praying that the church will give some sort of subsidy... My second worry is where we will stay. The leader says - in a guesthouse - but I have no idea what that would be like. If it's rustic, that's ok, but will I have a hot shower & a decent bed? It seems so bratty to be thinking these things. Aren't I supposed to be focusing on the mission & not my bodily comfort? But gosh, will my achy back take it? I know one thing about myself - I can walk anywhere and do all sorts of sweaty, dirty things so long as I can come back to a hot shower and bed at the end of the day! Then, there is the food. I see from the websites that the Lao people eat sticky rice and fish as their staple food. Sticky rice I can handle. Fish???!! And then Angie mentioned, oh so casually, that many of the children have lice. At that point, I said, God, am I hearing You right? You sure I'm supposed to be going?

So my dears, pray for me. God has got to carry me through this one. And Rubhi, I'm SOOO glad you're coming. When I start crying, remind me that I WANTED to come, ok? :)