All Work and No Play

I have been training to be a Facilitator at a course that is run by the Pastoral Counselling Ministry of my church. It's an 8-week course and I've just finished the fourth week. It is a really interesting course called 'Search for Life', originally designed by a church in Australia. It's a fantastic course and created a whole new sense of self-awareness and self-discovery in me when I attended it as a participant in 2009. This time I am attending it to be trained as a Facilitator.

Though it is my second time in the course, I realise there is still more I can learn about myself.  The last session on Family of Origin was fascinating for me. and I realise there are many aspects of my childhood that I have not explored or remembered. Thinking about my childhood specifically this time around has made me both pensive and grateful.

One thing that stood out for me is the realisation that I never played as a child. All the others in my small group had fond memories of playing with their siblings and/or cousins, they spoke nostalgically of games they played, but I had no similar memories. I only remember reading, and reading and reading. Because that was the one thing I could do on my own.

I spent a great deal of time on my own because although I was the youngest of 9 children, there was a big gap in years between my siblings and me. The sister just ahead of me was 8 years older and my eldest sister was 25 years older than me. Most of my sisters had left home - either because they were married or for their studies. And sisters in their teens and twenties had no time for a child.

Because I belonged to a small community called the Brahmins, playing with neighbours was out of the question. The other Indians were considered 'unclean' because they were of a different caste and children of other races were 'unclean' because they were meat-eaters unlike my strictly vegetarian family. And unlike the others in my discussion group, we did not live in a 'kampong' where there were common play areas for neighbourhood games. My one highlight was the monthly prayer session that my parents would go to - at  the Samajam, a  place specially built by the Brahmin community for them to have their elaborate prayer rituals far away from the masses. Here I would meet my cousin Jeya. And while the adults prayed, we  kids would talk. But there was no rowdy play. We were, after all, at a mass prayer session, and clad in our long 'pavadais', there was  little room for boisterous behaviour.

Thinking back, I feel a sense of loss that I never played. I think I just accepted such social isolation . Perhaps that's why books feel like companions. Perhaps that's why I like to be quiet and listen to people talk. Perhaps, that's why when my baby was born, I had no idea how to entertain her, except by reading. All the parenting I did was by reading as well. I read books on age-appropriate play for children and religously followed the suggestions. I read about how babies needed to be talked to, how to make mobiles, how to sing nursery rhymes. It was your father who played catch, who played ball games and taught you to ride a bike. And it was me who picked your books :)

I feel sad for that little girl who didn't play. But I marvel at my God who caught that little girl. I look back now and wonder at how I managed, at what I learnt. And looking at the two of you now, my daughters,  I feel sure God was watching over us, giving to you what I didn't know I didn't have. I learnt to play because of you :)

I Like Things Just the Way They Are

I know this about myself - that I don't embrace change easily. Yet, every time I struggle with change it comes to me as a surprise. Having known I am resistant to change, wouldn't I cope better? 

In some ways I think I do. I am able to recognise those times when I snap at others or cross my arms during meetings or have a chatter in my head that is louder than the discussion going on around me as being symptoms of my refusal to embrace change. It takes me time to adjust to a new way of doing things, to new places, to new people. And I have made many decisions in the past because it was more expedient to keep things status quo.

But it seems to me that I am in a place / phase now where God wants to 'loosen me up', to change (yes, change!) me in ways I am not too crazy about. One phrase that has haunted me since last week is "new wineskins for new wine". I know there are many people who would get excited at the prospect of this. But I am not one of them :)

I have had quite a few changed circumstances to deal with last year - in the family, in my job, and now in my workplace and to be totally honest, I am feeling stressed. I would love some space and time to myself to think, to pray and to just make sense of the changes so that I can soothe the 'me' that is complaining loudly inside my head. I feel I don't have head-space and heart-space to deal with the needs of others right now.

I have hard decisions to make ahead of me. But those decisions would create more changes and I realise I am putting off making these decisions only because I feel there are too many things for me to cope with already. Right now I feel, maybe old wine in old wineskins is ok really...

The Old and the New

In the 2 months I have been at my new job, I have heard a phrase repated many times, that I never once heard in my old office - the phrase, "when we have reached our age..." :) The phrase is a frequent preface to any number of observations from the many aches that are felt, the types of food that agree and do not sgree with us, the way we respond to work challenges to snippets of family life that are shared...

I realise that for the first time in my career, I am working with colleagues who are the same age or older than me. And I am puzzled why I find it a strange experience. One would expect, wouldn't one, that your colleagues would be of the same age as you? Why, I wonder, have I always worked with people younger than me? And I realised this last year - that I have only 1 friend who is a year older than me. Most of my close friends are really at least 5 to 10 years younger than me!

I am learning a different way of relating at work now. I curb my tongue lest my jokes are too cutting, I ask for advice and take care not to proffer opinions too quickly, I say my share of "at my age" :) I miss the easy camarederie of my younger colleagues in my old workplace; I miss gathering at the centre table for coffee and gossip; I miss crowding around computers to view the latest Kate Spade sale pieces. I expect I will be making new memories at my new workplace too. I know this is a transition phase and I will soon settle in. But we are moving to new premises on Tuesday and I for one am loath to leave.

Time and Tide

Somehow I have a feeling that the usual rhythms of the year are going to be interrupted for me in 2011. In 17 days, R will be going back, and for the first time, I actually bought her a one-way ticket because she isn't sure when she would be able to come home next. That in itself feels strange for I realize her June semester break and Nov summer break had become markers for me. With C in Nicaragua and not sure of his break times, J's leave periods are up in the air too at the moment. Add to that the fact that I don't really have a handle on the work ebb and flow at my new work place, and the year seems a fluid one.

I am also thinking about what I can look forward to this year. So far, the big milestones seem to be work related - a workshop presentation at a conference in May and the official launch of ELIS in Sept. I also have a commitment to help with the writing of my church's 40th anniversary commemorative book and to be trained to help as a Facilitator with my church's Pastoral Counselling Ministry. Otherwise - a blank year! 

The big project that I should embark on, but have a panic attack every time I think about it, is renovation of my house. I've found interior designers I can work with, I have approved of their preliminary plans. But I fight shy of putting down the 10% deposit needed. That seems so final! And I baulk at the thought of getting packers and movers in, of finding financing, of finding temporary accommodation, of supervising the renovation process, then the process of moving back in, unpacking. Whoa! I feel the familiar heart palpitations even writing about it :)

As I think about the coming year, I remember feeling 2010 was a blank canvas too. But looking back, I see that because of that blank calendar, I had space to handle the storms and sadness that came my way last year. And I wonder if the blank calendar was God's gracious provision for me... Perhaps, my loving Abba knew I needed head space, needed the familiarity of routine work, needed the cover given by comforting office colleagues and time to meet with friends and grieve... 

And now, 2011 is a new chapter. And I am comfortable with the blankness. If there are blank spaces, I know God intended them for a reason. If there is a rush of work, I know it is a period of fruitfulness that God has blessed me with. The phrase God has given me for this year is "Hold lightly and release with love". I am not even going to pretend to know what that means. But I know I can trust my God.

Back at Blogging

Helloooo blog!! I have missed you! I don't think I have gone so long without writing before! I've been waiting for Friday evening the whole week, waiting for this pocket of time when I can once again write. Life has been mad for me since December and so far, this year has been a bleah.

So, let's see what has happened since I last blogged. R came home for the summer holidays. - and in 2 weeks she would once again be off. C was in town for 2 weeks for a visit and we went to Bintan. We stayed in the bungalow we usually rent; I like it because it allows all of us to be together, cook what we want to and I make believe that it is my seaside holiday home :) I realised the Israel trip had exhausted me and the most strenuous thing I wanted to do was to get a massage. I think it was a good short break and with each visit C seems more relaxed and fits in with the rhythm (or lack of it) of our home. I'm glad.

Christmas was awkward with the changes in the family dynamics and so was New Year. But I really appreciated the girls, Prav and Srawan making sure that we celebrated :) 

So 2010 with all its ups and downs is over and looking back I realise that the 2 phrases God had given me for the year held special meaning - "Build authentic relationships" and "Simplify your life and enrich others'." The year has indeed been one where my relationship with God has become more honest and toxic relationships have been cleared out. I have not been successful in making my life simpler  though :) Unfortunately, I have developed a new penchant for Kate Spade bags... I blame the girls at work for this totally!!! :)

This year, I have also started a new job. I am now a Master Teacher and that exalted-sounding name means that I will be doing teacher training instead of the research and policy work that I have been doing for the past 7 years. Unfortunately, I'm not particularly enjoying my new job as yet. The happiest time for me these 3 weeks was the one afternoon when I ran a workshop for Econs teachers of a JC! I struggle to manage my mood every day and I know what exactly is wrong but I don't quite know what to do about it. Up till now, the work I have been doing isn't different from what I was doing in my last place and I am disappointed because I was looking forward to teaching again. But I know this is temporary and that once the courses have been developed I will be able to teach. I wish I had more structure, clear timelines, time to read and plan instead of the numerous "by tomorrow" and "by the end of the week" deadlines which make me dissatisfied because I don't feel I have given off my best. 

This month,too, R turned 21 and we had a small do for her friends. It was quite fun actually, as she had arranged for a Bollywood dance class for her friends before we adjourned for dinner to an Arabian restaurant. 

Birthday dinner at chili's...

Dinner at Nabin's

 We also went on a short family holiday to Phuket which was marred a little by  first R being sick, then J; a stinky air-conditioner in our hotel room and weather that was so hot that we could feel our skin burning just walking down the road to the beach! Needless to say we spent around 5 minutes on Phuket's famed beach :) Nevertheless, I was glad to be able to spend some time with my daughters so the holiday wasn't as bad as it seems...

The other exciting thing that happened is that my dear friend Mini gave birth to a son. Mothering again at 42 is going to be a challenge but all of us are excited about it. He feels like a joint project :) 

 

Well I suppose a lot more things happened, though nothing else comes to mind now. I guess this has just been an update of sorts, not really blogging my thoughts. But it has been a long week, and right now, my mind just feels mundane :)

My Desert Song

I first heard the phrase "a desert experience" from an old gentleman in 1997 who came to my school to ask if I had a temporary teaching position available for him.  He was past 60 and I was reluctant to hire him as I wasn't convinced he could handle the students we had. It was the beginning of the year when we traditionally had large numbers of Pre-U 1 students who had no intention of staying once the 'O' level results were announced. And because they had no intention of staying in the school, they broke every rule they could. 

But I was desperately short-handed and I agreed to hire him, thinking I would keep him till another more suitable temp teacher came along. But in two weeks I realised it was a disaster. The students in his class were having a ball of a time. They would walk in and out as the mood took them and they took advantage of his penchant for story telling by taking every chance they could to distract him from the lesson planned  for  the day. I knew I had to let him go, but I felt really bad because I could see that he was trying hard and that the job meant a great deal to him.

When I told him we could no longer emply him, he said nothing for a while. Then he asked me, "Are you a Christian?" I braced myself for some sort of appeal to common religious bonds, but that was not on his mind. He said, "God gives every child of His a desert experience. The Israelites wandered in the wilderness for 40 years and that strengthened them as a nation and they learnt to look only to God. I have had many desert periods. Now is one of them. I thank God for it. It is a privilege." That was all.

I have not met him again since then. His name was Mr Thomas John. And I have come to believe that our paths crossed that once because of that one message God wanted to give me. I had come out of a desert experience in 1993 - 94 and it was a time when I was struggling with many 'why's. Hearing his simple acceptance of the desert experience without question taught me a lesson in faith and trust.

Today, those words came back to me in a new way. It is a day when I feel dry, alone and un-needed. The re is a new loneliness these days that I find hard to shake off.  I remember the miles after miles of brown, sandy dunes I saw in Israel and I find it hard to think of how people walking there day after day could give thanks. But that is what God calls me to do. To rejoice, to give thanks, to declare victory. Especially when I can't see the promise of an end.

I love this song!

Updated Blog

Hmmm. I have waited a while to let the bugs settle but I have now updated the editor on my blog. One big difference is that now I have transliteration in Tamil :) I haven't figured out how that works yet but that sure adds to the fun of blogging :) The other big difference I appreciate is that it is supposed to be easier to upload multiple photos now and the line spacing is more even as well.But if you see my blog acting crazy in any way, let me know ok?

It Takes a Village

I read today about a book called The Council of Dads by Bruce Feiler. It is about a young dad who is diagnosed with cancer and decides to rope in 6 of his friends to be 'dads' to his daughters in his absence. The concept touched me.

I have often felt parenting is a tough job and especially hard to do alone. Yet, it is very difficult to find like-minded people who share your values, philosophy and faith whom you can trust to help you with this important job. It also takes a special breed of friends who would agree to look out for your children as well as their own. This is especially so in Singapore where many parents struggle to make time for their own children and balance the demands of career and family.

Yet, I am convinced of the wisdom of having a council of dads or a council of mums. There is an African proverb that says 'It takes a village to raise a child' and I tend to agree. Parenting is often a case of trial and error. You have never done this job before, you try to equip yourself for it by reading, talking to friends etc, but there will always be moments when you catch your breath and wonder - did I do that right? I would have liked to have had a village at these times.

I thought about the concept of a council of dads / mums for a while. But I came to the conclusion that Feiler was really very, very blessed to have 6 friends who readily accepted the responsibility he offered them and stepped up. I can only think of one - and a very, very busy one at that! It speaks first of all of the depth of his friendships. These are friendships cultivated over a long time and at a meaningful level. There must have been time and love invested in building up such friendships and I wonder whether in busy Singapore, there are men and women who value this and are able to do this. It also requires giving of oneself (on the part of the friends) and asking for help (on the part of Feiler) - both gestures of humility that I think are possible for many of us here only when the imminence of death is real.

Many times I have offered to baby-sit for young couples but I don't quite know what it is - an innate shyness, a fear of obligation, maybe a reluctance to accept a favour? - but no one has actually taken me up on the offer :) Maybe they just don't trust me :) With my family, I have tried to be involved in the lives of my nieces and nephews, and their children, but to varying degrees of success. Mostly my young grand-nephews and nieces live too far away for us to connect meaningfully. It is sad, but I also realise that only 1 of my sisters has the opportunity to see her grand-children daily as almost all of my nieces and nephews live abroad and one sister is even estranged from her sons.

So, I wonder what the future holds for me. Right now it looks like I might be doing long-distance grand-parenting too :)

A New Thing

Today I got contact lenses :) I have been thinking about getting them ever since I read about the new range of contact lenses available for presbyopia. I thought about getting the lens implant done but couldn't bring myself to try it so I have opted to try out contact lens first. I had the tests done and ordered the contact lenses before my Israel trip but I couldn't find the time to go to the optometrist before I left. I regretted it a great deal during the trip because I had to keep switching between my reading glasses and my sun glasses as it was blindingly hot yet I also had to refer to the guides and the Bible during the tour. So I ended up wearing my sun glasses on top of my reading glasses :) Yes, I bet I looked like a dork.

So today I went and got my lenses fitted :) They fit comfortably but my brain seems to have trouble adjusting to them so though I don't need my reading glasses now (I'm typing this without my glasses! Yay!), I can't see far objects clearly! I am supposed to try them for 2 weeks then go back to see if my brain has caught up with my eyes or whether I need a new pair of contacts. For now, it is pretty exciting though I keep reaching for my reading glasses automatically when I sit down at the computer or pick up something to read. Hahahaha. Old habits die hard.

Living to Tell the Tale

I think I might have to re-think my thoughts on being a solo traveller. I have just come back from a 2 week tour of Jordan and Israel that definitely stretched my physical capabilities to the max. I am exhausted. And very glad that I booked a 3D2N stay at Bintan next week. I seriously need recovery time. I am also very glad that J booked me 2 massage slots last weekend, on Sat and Sun, because I needed them both!!!

In all, I have mixed feelings about my tour. The highlights of the tour were the many things I learnt, and cliched as it sounds, the Bible has come alive to me in many ways, most of all in an understanding of the landscape and social setting of the times. We were blessed by a truly gifted local guide who is a Messianic Jew, rooted in a deep understanding of the Word that has inspired me. Unfortunately, I was not able to live on the Word alone but needed creature comforts too and the poor quality of accommodations we had affected my mood quite a bit. I didn't mind the walking and climbing so long as I could have a hot bath at the end of the day and a decent bed to sleep on. It was not always to be. So, while I did learn a lot, I don't think my $4k was well spent.

On a happier note, I was very encouraged to hear from the editor of Seasons of Life (my church newsletter) that many readers were blessed by the serialisation of my 8 Not-So-Simple-Rules for Dating. That made me really happy. It was frustrating to edit my articles to 1500 words and I felt that at times my style of writing had to be compromised, but I'm glad to have had the opportunity to be published :) Maybe I should write a book like J keeps telling me to :)