Valentine's Day

Today I was remined of the many Valentine's Days I had put up with as a teacher and I must say the memories make me smile :)

When I was teaching in ACJC, V Days were a frenzy of activity. The Students' Council had its major fund raising drive then and used to collect orders for roses which the Councillors would buy from wholesale suppliers and then re-sell to the students at a hiked up price. January and the weeks preceding the 14th of Feb were marked by a frenzy to meet someone - preferably during Orientation - so that come V Day, there would be a Someone to court and be courted by!

School was a bedlam on 14 Feb and only the most morose and fiercest of teachers could claim to have conducted a lesson successfully. I coped by having the same lesson I conducted every 14 Feb if I had a Lit class - a critique of what were the best love poems of English. Some years it worked; some years the kids groaned and begged me to let them off.

Then there would be the shy knocks on the door with the plea "Madam, may I see..." and the class would erupt with wolf whistles and oohs and ahhhs. Stalks and bouquets (depending on the finances of the suitor) would lie casually on desks and balloons with hearts would float lazily. My best times were when suitors came bearing chocolate boxes because I would then let them in only if the object of desire agreed to share the chocolates with me :)

Jurong Institute was a complete contrast. I was taken by surprise my first year there because I had readied myself for the insanity of puppy love only to discover that I seemed to have landed on a planet where the 14th of Feb was just the day that came between the 13th and the 15th. Well, this V-Day ennui didn't last very long and by the time I left JI, the madness had descended there too, but in 1992, it was a different story. Yes, there were couples, but unlike ACJC where most kids who came in the first 3 months stayed long enough to start dating, most of those who came to JI in Jan couldn't wait to leave after they received their 'O' level results, so Orientation held no promise for them and V Day was meant to be spent outside school as fast as their legs could sprint. I must say I missed the madness of Valentine's in JI.

And now, the day matters even less. Restaurants have expensive menus, movie tickets are sold out, florists claim to make 60% of their annual takings on this day alone and the mass media are doing their part to make everyone wish they were in love :) I am amused. I remember I used to scold my students for hanging around my classroom waiting for their special person, for the extravagance of their gifts and (when I'm feeling really mean) the grammatical errors in their love notes :) Yes I was a meanie :) Looking back, I think, maybe I should have been nicer, more indulgent, for after all, it was just for one day ... Happy Valentine's Day and may you feel loved today and every day of your life :)

My Rock in Clay

I have been asked by a dear friend of mine to speak at a gathering of Christian educators on Saturday. I said yes, because I couldn't refuse to share the story of God's grace in my life. But as the day draws nearer, I'm filled with doubt and ask myself what could I possibly say without sounding like a zealot or an indulgent navel-gazer or a pompous modern-day Pharisee...

There is a song we sing in church which starts "My Saviour, Redeemer, Lifted me from the miry clay..." and that is exactly how I would describe my experience with God. I imagine the stickiness, the wetness of a swamp of clay and the hand of God reaching in and firmly pulling me out of a way of life that seems so distant now. 

If I were honest, I would admit that the clay is never far off. It is quite easy to fall into the muck again. There is a saying in Proverbs 6:10-11 that I think of every time I hit the snooze button on my alarm clock in the morning - "A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest - and poverty will come on you like a thief and scarcity like an armed man." It's true - I tell myself, "just ten minutes more, just a short five minutes" and the next thing I know I have overslept and I rush to work without my morning prayer or Bible reading. I know it's like that with major issues as well - I say to myself, "just this one time" and soon one thing leads to another and I am either daydreaming or involved in gossip or reading another chapter of a story book instead of my devotional ... It can go on. The clay is always wet at my feet.

So I wonder what I will say on Saturday. The real work of Christ in my life is too private for  public sharing. His faithfulness, protection and provision to me will remain known only to a few. My life in Christ is not public - I have no ministry in church, no gifts of healing or worship or exhortation or intercession or prophecy. My Christ just holds me together and gives me daily bread and enough hope, love and trust for one day at a time. My Christ gives me one spot of solid rock to stand on in the midst of the miry clay. 

Mission Station: Singapore

My sister and I were talking on the phone today - I don't go visit her as often as I should - and she was reminiscing about her career as a teacher. We both agreed that the best part of teaching really was when old students remember you fondly. It is that which makes you feel your work has been worthwhile, that it is more than a paycheck.

Some of my students have stuck. They talk to me about their dates, their marriage plans, their children... And it is a privilege to continue to be part of their lives. Last week, a bunch of students I taught in 1996/7 met for dinner, got to reminiscing and my name came up. And they called me to give me two hours' notice before they turned up at my doorstep at 10pm with chocolate ice cream, a wife and a toddler and hearts full of memories. An evening like that makes me feel I am blessed.

Increasingly, however, I have been feeling a sense of dis-ease at the number of young teachers who leave the profession. It is a tricky situation for me as many of these teachers leave for what should be considered a noble purpose - to serve as missionaries in far flung countries. Yet, every time one more young person says he / she is resigning, I am disappointed. The question that screams in my head is - "Who will stay?"

What is it that appeals about teaching English / Maths / IT skills in a remote Asian village with the chance to share the gospel ? That those children might not hear the gospel? Neither will many children in our schools. That the government in these countries forbids proselytising and therefore the endeavour seems exciting and dangerous? That's not very different from the local situation. What would working in these rural areas for 5 months achieve that teaching day after day, connecting and getting to know one's students cannot?

I wonder how much of the desires of these young people is for escape from the mundane rather than a call to the wild. The poor are here in Singapore too. The ones who struggle to read and count are here too. The ones from broken homes are here too. Wouldn't the chances of the gospel being understood higher where the children speak the language, are able to read the bible and ask questions? Yet, young teacher after teacher wants to go to China or Tibet or Timore Leste or Laos or Africa to teach children who are struggling with the alphabet while children who can read are left safe in their comfortable Singapore homes with other teachers who have no interest in their souls.

The young teachers tell me they hear a call to go. I pray and wonder - doesn't anyone hear the call to stay?

Sleepless in Singapore

In all fairness I must say I am sauntering through menopause with far more ease than a number of women I know. So my daughters, you might not have it too bad either.

I've managed to keep the weight gain somewhat at bay, the mood swings haven't been drastic and the weepy phase coincided with a tough time so I didn't quite know for sure whether I was menopausal-depressive or just sad :) Thankfully, there have been no drenching hot flashes either and all that happens is that the tips of my ears turn red and feel so warm I am sometimes concerned they might glow. The days when I made silly mistakes and felt disoriented used to disturb me, until I read 'Hot Flashes From Heaven', the comforting book J bought me. Since then I have learnt to just tell people around me that "I'm having a Brain Fog Day" and then just live with the wool in the brain for that day :)

The one effect that has finally gotten me is the insomnia. I don't have a problem falling asleep, but I can't stay asleep. I wake up in the wee hours of the morning and then can't fall back asleep.

I began the battle by stopping coffee and tea after lunch. And yes, I do exercise. Then I tried a number of pillows and now I have 1 water pillow, 3 neck support pillows and still will the clock hands to move at night. I have done the warm-bath-before-bed thing, the milk-before-bed-thing and the deep-breathing-while-thinking-pleasant-thoughts thing.

Apparently there are some saintly women who take this sleeplessness in their stride and are glad for the hours of sleeplessness and use these extra hours to read and pray. I am not one of them.

Finally it was time to see a doctor and he gave me a magic blue pill which was the best invention of man ever! I had great sleep and my family (and friends I travelled with) had great fun because I would fall asleep suddenly in the middle of various tasks (reading a book, sms-ing), sitting down, and had to be put to bed by the kind souls around me. But the supply ran out and M said that the wonderful blue pill would cause memory loss - so that ended 10 nights of blissful sleep.

For the past week, I have been sleepless, bordering on depression, grouchy and rudely yawning through meetings, workshops and dinners with friends.

But things are looking more promising. I have had a number of  people offer me remedies - two friends pray for me (especially Jeremiah 31:25!) one friend brought me herbal tea, one colleague skyped his mother in Canada to ask for remedies to my sleeplessness (valarian root!), my ex-boss brought me his wife's natural sleep pills (hahahahaha) and my niece made her doc friend prescribe me medication :)

So I feel hopeful. I have new options to try! Maybe, I shall sleep again!  

My Sketchpad

You know how we talk about choosing to view the glass as half empty or half full? My natural tendency is towards the former. But I have over the years learnt to recognise this in myself and after the initial hand-wringing and doomsday prognosis to make myself explore what a more positive outlook could be. This is a habit of mind that I struggle with a great deal. I tend towards whinging, complaining and "I-told-you-so"s. I know my daughters will happily concur :) 

So this year appears to me, so far, to be one of those not-so-good years. R's friend, P, has a theory that years that end in prime numbers are better years - I have been thinking over my past years ever since she made that pronouncement :)

The main reason that makes me feel this way is my empty planner. I have events and meetings lined up for Jan and Feb, and then zilch. Those empty months trouble me. It is as if this year will come and go and I will have nothing to say for 2012. I will not have a significant event that will help me recall, "That was the year when I ..." Then I remember 2010 was like this and I think to myself maybe P is on to something :)

But now the wiser Vara is in attendance. And I remember that if 2010 was empty at the beginning of the year, there was a reason for it and the emptiness gave me space to deal with the curve ball that was thrown at me. And I remember that I learnt the value of unplanned time and spontaneity during my trip to Melbourne in Sept 2011. 

So, I choose to say - 2012 looks to be a year of promise. It is a sketchpad with the picture already drawn in invisible ink. And my Father will colour it in, one page at a time. Maybe it will be a page-turner of a year. Maybe it will have some blank pages. Maybe sometimes I will colour outside the lines instead of waiting for God. Maybe there will be ink blots.

We will just have to wait and see, won't we? :)

My Watched-over Life

2012 has begun and we are already 10 days into the new year. I have not done my usual reflection of the past year and resolutions for the new year. It is a ritual that soothes me and gives me a semblance of control - sometimes I connect dots, sometimes perspectives shift, and almost always I am able to give thanks.

As I prayed on the eve of this new year, however, I was drawn to Psalm 121:

"I lift my eyes up to the hills -

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip - 

he who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, he who watches over Israel

will neither slumber or sleep.

The Lord watches over you - 

the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day

nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm -

he will watch over your life;

the Lord will watch over your coming and going

both now and forevermore."

And I am comforted by the phrase "the Lord watches over you".

I have read this psalm many times, especially when I travel, for I am comforted by the promise that God watches over my "coming and going". But somehow the declaration that God watches over my life struck me with a new excitement this new year's eve. That the God who is the creator of earth and heaven watches over my life assures me - that the dots will be connected; that there is a plan despite the haphazardness of my life; that despite my wilfulness, pettiness, fears and mistakes, my life, in the end, will not be a sorry tale. It will be a blessed 2012; as it was a blessed 2011.

Everything That Happened Between 4 Nov & 27 Nov

In one long post, or to be more Shakespearean, in "one fell swoop", I am going to update all that has been happening in my life. Because, yes I really DO think you are interested :)

The most important event was that I celebrated my 54th birthday! I think Facebook is the greatest invention of the 21st century because thanks to FB, I had a record number of more than 80 people wish me a happy birthday this year :) Coming on top of the fact that this year my birthday fell on a public holiday, it made me feel like the world had stopped to celebrate my birthday ;)

J made sure I had a very happy birthday and I loved how my dear kawan swooped silently to our brunch venue and left me flowers and a lovely gift package...

Pink themed flowers & 'wellness' present from my kawan

 Brunch with mimosas at Graze, Rochester Park

Tea with my dear JI Mamis

Sangria & tapas at Villa Enrique, Dempsey Hill

The flowers from my kawan and the JI Mamis

Dinner at Chili's with my spiritual children Johnson, Yvonne & Freya

And thus ended my birthday...

Since then I have been busy visiting schools. As part of a work project that I'm involved in, I visited 2 secondary school and 3 primary schools before the schools closed for the year. It was a lot more fun than I had thought. I especially enjoyed interviewing the students :) And I felt the pull of school again. As the year draws to a close, I look back and I still wonder what is the plan God has for me. Talking to the students came so easy and no matter whether they were the high ability pupils or the low ability pupils, pitching the conversation was almost instinctive. I realise afresh how much I miss teaching. Running workshops for teachers just doesn't give me the same buzz.

I have settled at work and am not chafing as much as I did at the beginning of the year, but there is still a yearning in me to get back into a classroom. I have learnt so much during the last 8 years that I have been away from school and I'm itching to try things out in my very own classroom. Yet as each year passes I seem to move further and further away. 

Insane Life

I miss writing in my blog. I can't believe I didn't even write on my blog's birthday this year. It's November and I haven't written in the whole of October. I am unbelievably busy at work, my every weekday evening is filled with one commitment or another, the weekends come and go. I am sleeping badly. Unread books sit in a precarious pile by my bed. I had a close call with an unpaid credit card bill last month. My life has been revolving around work so much this year that I find little inclination to get online at the end of the day. I find it hard to call anyone or email - I still haven't sent Rachel a gift for her baby who is no longer 'newborn'. I just veg out in front of the tv. If I had not engaged a personal trainer this year, I'm sure I would be a round ball of chocolate. And I can write this now because I'm stealing time from my quiet time with God. There are 2 Varas - one goes to work, does what needs to be done and fills the day; one sits waiting for a saner life.

Melbourne Days 2 & 3

I used to wonder why the weather was a common conversation topic, but having experienced the vagaries of the weather here in Melbourne, I can understand how it can provide much fodder for discussion even among strangers. In the book I am reading now ('Making the Most of Midlife') there is a quote from Jung on midlife - "We cannot live the afternoon of life according to life's morning; for what in the morning was true will at evening have become a lie." I can't help thinking this describes Melbourne's weather perfectly :)

Yesterday and today were far better than my first day here - largely because the sun came out! Today I actually didn't put on my jacket the whole day until around 4pm when I began to feel a chill. Unfortunately the weather forecasts warn me that this is going to last only one more day so I shall enjoy it while it lasts. 

On Sunday I went with R to the Arkhouse which is the home church where she worships. I liked the homely feel of the church and the sermon was thoughtful. I liked how the group was small enough for people to ask questions to clarify their understanding of the sermon. R played the keyboard and the worship songs were familiar. I was uncomfortable, though, with the way communion was administered and I missed the comforting voice of Joshua / Rennis pronouncing the absolution and benediction. R and I decided our spirituality was tied to our personality - I just like structure :)

After church my dear friends G and P picked us up and we went to a Greek tavern for lunch. I've known their children since they were babies and it seemed unreal to see them as strapping 19 and 17 year olds. Yet they are still the same sweet kids, willing to hug and tolerate being hugged. I hope to spend more time with them the next weekend.  As usual G ordered far too much food and R & I ended up packing our leftovers. 

The restaurant was hosting two big parties and I think there was a lot of food ordered because the waiter gave us free food - free vegetables, a free Greek salad and free baklava for dessert! Both parties were of old people. The party just behind our table seemed to be celebrating the birthday of a lady and at the end she stood up to make  a speech. She held up a hand-drawn diagram of a concentric circle and spoke of how that represented our life's journey. She said we began our life on the outer most ring and along the winding ring were all life's experiences - school, friends, marriage, childbirth, illnesses - and as we age we travel more and more inward towards our self. In the end, she said we move towards being just our Self, moving past all life experiences, and we will have only our Self at the end. The reaction to this at her table was mixed - one old gentleman shouted "You are a pessimist!" :) My table was busy making fun of me for being intrigued by her circle and predicting how I was going to plagirise the digram and make a speech at my 80th and pretend it was an original idea.

Today, I met up with N. I love our friendship. I don't think we have talked in a  year, yet we could talk easily, the years fell away and it was as if we were back in uni. Our life experiences are so very different, but there is comfort in talking to N. The best bit about her is she gives me permission to be me. And I as I type this, I realise that is an endearing part of G as well - he lets me be me, much as he disagrees with my choices, beliefs, even values. These are good friends and I am glad I made this visit.

This holiday is supposed to be about me finding my voice. About me making a decision and more importantly knowing why I made the decision. I have tried consciously not to do what I usually do like make lists, plan what I was going to do each day. I am trying to take each day as it comes. I am focusing on having honest conversations; on doing things I like doing, even if it is doing nothing. What I keep hearing is Benny's words - "please yourself."

Melbourne Day 1

So here I am - in Melbourne! Lesson #1 - never take packing advice from Ganesh Chandran again! I am frozen. This happens without fail - I just don't get this packing for cooler climates. I have a suitcase full of t-shirts because everyone said to "layer" but what I need right now is a thicker jacket than I brought! I think that might be the first purchase I make tomorrow!

Anyway, my departure was a very eventful one. I left home at 4.30pm for my 7.25pm flight, thinking I had plenty of time. But I just couldn't get a cab! After failing to flag one, I tried calling for one but no cab responded to my call and then one finally accepted the call at 5.00pm. But he couldn't find our apartment block and by the time he arrived, it 5.20pm. No sooner had we left Dover Road, we ran into a huge jam. Then I made the wrong call - although he suggested an alternative route, I thought the jam was just at the point when we were turning into the expressway. I was wrong :( I realised soon enough that because of the F1 races, traffic had been diverted away from the city centre and traffic was backed up on all the major expressways! By the time I reached the airport it was 6.25pm and the meter read $32.00.

More anxiety followed at the airport, because would you believe it, the ONLY flight that didn't have a check-in row number was the one I was desperately trying to board. I walked the entire length of Terminal 2 to find the MAS counter was the absolutely last one. I didn't have time to thank God I made it to the airport before the staff said there was some problem with my e-ticket and went off to consult her superior. More anxiety, more desperate prayers. That was sorted out and I was given the boarding pass with the comment, "You must walk very quickly. It is the last gate. Go to the boarding gate now." All my brisk walking skills were tested in the next half hour. 

I had to make a stop though, for a bite to eat. Picked up a nice tomato & mozarella baguette and water for the princely sum of $6.00, and never had a chance to taste it because I left it in the trolley :( I had gone through security and into the boarding area before I discovered this and I actually went back through security again to retrieve my food; but the ever efficient cleaning team of Changi Airport had already disposed of it :(

So it was a very hungry, hassled and mopey Vara who boarded the connecting flight to KL. Fortunately, the rest of the journey was smooth. It must have been all the power of all the prayers that were activated :) I even had an aisle seat on the KL-Melbourne sector, which was a huge bonus - considering how late I had checked in! I also sat beside a nice Australian who helped me with my luggage.

So landed in Melbourne this morning - when the temperature was a bone-chilling 7 degrees C, was met by my good friend Pushpa, with whom I had a nice long leisurely breakfast and drank the first of the many coffees I plan to drink in Melbourne. I've spent the best part of today on the couch in R's living room - because it is closest to the heater. I hope I venture beyond this couch tomorrow :)