Introvert Paradise

I was leafing through my old journals a few days ago and found an MBTI analysis I did long ago in 1994. I was quite amused to see my Introversion score - unbelievable :) I also came across pages I had photocopied from Tim Lahaye's temperament analysis that characterised me squarely as a Melancholic! 

I know there are many Christians who believe such personality analyses are un-biblical and I don't know enough to say whether personality analysis borders on the occult as they claim, but I do know that these two analyses helped me a great deal to understand myself and to work at making different choices. 

From LaHaye's book, I recognised Melancholic traits in myself such as my tendency to catastrophise, my tendency to see worst-case scenarios first, my mood swings. I still struggle with these aspects of my personality but one major effect of accepting Christ has been learning to forgive myself when I revert to these behaviours especially in times of stress. I have also learnt to embrace the Introvert in me without feeling like a misfit. And to share with others the truth that I don't know how to make small talk, that I can only spend 2 days at Club Med before the extroversion of the GOs gets to me, that I really do enjoy having a meal by myself and a book, that I cannot for the life of me THINK when I have to work in a group :)

I think it is telling that right after returning from a weekend away with my dear friends, I went on a 2D1N holiday to Bintan by myself. It was a quiet, solitary weekend - introvert paradise :) 

The best part of my trip :)

My friends ask me if it was awkward. It could have been. Twenty years ago I wouldn't have done it. I would have felt as if every eye was on me as I sat down to dinner by myself.  But now, I liked that I had a table to myself, that I could read my book without chatter, that I could watch other people at the restaurant and make up stories.

Chicken in avocado sauce with fresh mozzarella and a lime margarita ;)

I think turning fifty is beginning to have more and more privileges. I am learning to recognise what pushes my button; I am learning to choose a kinder response instead of retorting the first hurtful thing that comes to mind; I am willing to give people the benefit of doubt because I want them to give me the benefit of doubt as well - like Mini who said at brunch today in response to a thoughtless comment from Rita - "I know you mean something else because what you just said isn't like you."

The trip gave me time to think and read and journal.

And the two books I had taken with me, gave me clarity in different ways. I realised anew that I was like the elder son in the Parable of the Prodigal Son quick to climb the moral high horse, wanting the wrath of God to descend on those who have wronged me. And I realised afresh that I am loved by a prodigal God who loves me extravagantly, without counting the cost and pleading with me to forgive and embrace the lost sons like He has. And I realised that I too am made of glue - when things fall apart, I long to put it all back together; the desire to bond, to adhere is there in all of us and we do it to different degrees of success. 

I had a good getaway. And for a while now, I have been at peace with myself.

JI Mamis in Melaka

I had a great weekend! Together with 3 of my friends, I went to Melaka, which is a town in Malaysia, about a 3 hour drive away. It was a departure from the usual because instead of Rita who usually drives us, this time it was Shamala at the wheel. 

Yay! You did it Sham!

I love the company of these friends. We have known each other for close to 20 years and what I appreciate the most is the honesty of our friendship. We don't cover up our struggles and we know each other's quirks and personalities. We know we aren't perfect and we don't pretend to be.

Checking in to Casa Del Rio

Melaka was a great deal more interesting than I had expected. I don't know if it is a deliberate tourism strategy, but there was a distinct emphasis on nostalgia and a celebration of a past way of life that fascinated me. 

The Library at the hotel - dark wood shelves, heavy damask chairs, tea & coffee and lots of books!

Our hotel was easily the most luxurious I have ever stayed in! Good thing the cost was shared by the 4 of us :)

Courtyard of Casa Del Rio

Pavilions @ Casa Del Rio

 I absolutely loved the hotel :) The service was excellent and we had an awesome rain shower in the toilet. I could have stood under it for a long long time. The hotel had a quirkiness that I had not seen in Malaysian hotels before... From the 555 books in the rooms instead of the usual hotel stationery...

These are the notebooks my dad used to give me to keep accounts of my spending in!

to the subtle way in which the hotel suggested we shouldn't steal stuff from the room...

and the request to please not steal their towels :)

Our hotel was close to the Melaka town centre and I enjoyed the old feel of the Dutch architecture which has thankfully been retained.

At Melaka town centre

 Mani and I climbed up to the ruins of St Paul's Church where the remains of Francis Xavier are supposed to be buried. It's  a derelict building now but still has a quiet charm.

St Paul's Church

We were also close to Jonkers Walk which was the main heritage / tourist area and walking along this street was a trip down nostalgia lane for me! 

Jonkers Walk decorated to welcome the Year of the Dragon.

The "tok-tok man"! This is a hard malt candy that the vendor breaks up with a tiny hammer & spatula. Makes a distinctive "tok tok" sound :)

Eating 'chendol' by the river at a roadside stall

Ice batu! This is basically an ice lolly made with traditional flavours and eaten by pushing it out of a plastic bag :)

If not for the astronomic prices, I would say time has stood still in Melaka. My laments that I used to buy the ice batu for 10 cents instead of the dollar I was charged was met with a polite smile by the young girl manning the stall. I'm sure I wasn't the first one to say it to her. The 'tok tok' man was too deaf (or pretended to be) to respond to my shock at being asked to pay 5 dollars for what I used to pay 50 cents for. Ah well.

It was a good trip. And the JI Mamis are the best people to have made the trip with. I'm sure my daughters would have rolled their eyes and refused to eat the roadside chendol or the ice batu and asked when we could go back to the hotel :)

Melbourne Days 2 & 3

I used to wonder why the weather was a common conversation topic, but having experienced the vagaries of the weather here in Melbourne, I can understand how it can provide much fodder for discussion even among strangers. In the book I am reading now ('Making the Most of Midlife') there is a quote from Jung on midlife - "We cannot live the afternoon of life according to life's morning; for what in the morning was true will at evening have become a lie." I can't help thinking this describes Melbourne's weather perfectly :)

Yesterday and today were far better than my first day here - largely because the sun came out! Today I actually didn't put on my jacket the whole day until around 4pm when I began to feel a chill. Unfortunately the weather forecasts warn me that this is going to last only one more day so I shall enjoy it while it lasts. 

On Sunday I went with R to the Arkhouse which is the home church where she worships. I liked the homely feel of the church and the sermon was thoughtful. I liked how the group was small enough for people to ask questions to clarify their understanding of the sermon. R played the keyboard and the worship songs were familiar. I was uncomfortable, though, with the way communion was administered and I missed the comforting voice of Joshua / Rennis pronouncing the absolution and benediction. R and I decided our spirituality was tied to our personality - I just like structure :)

After church my dear friends G and P picked us up and we went to a Greek tavern for lunch. I've known their children since they were babies and it seemed unreal to see them as strapping 19 and 17 year olds. Yet they are still the same sweet kids, willing to hug and tolerate being hugged. I hope to spend more time with them the next weekend.  As usual G ordered far too much food and R & I ended up packing our leftovers. 

The restaurant was hosting two big parties and I think there was a lot of food ordered because the waiter gave us free food - free vegetables, a free Greek salad and free baklava for dessert! Both parties were of old people. The party just behind our table seemed to be celebrating the birthday of a lady and at the end she stood up to make  a speech. She held up a hand-drawn diagram of a concentric circle and spoke of how that represented our life's journey. She said we began our life on the outer most ring and along the winding ring were all life's experiences - school, friends, marriage, childbirth, illnesses - and as we age we travel more and more inward towards our self. In the end, she said we move towards being just our Self, moving past all life experiences, and we will have only our Self at the end. The reaction to this at her table was mixed - one old gentleman shouted "You are a pessimist!" :) My table was busy making fun of me for being intrigued by her circle and predicting how I was going to plagirise the digram and make a speech at my 80th and pretend it was an original idea.

Today, I met up with N. I love our friendship. I don't think we have talked in a  year, yet we could talk easily, the years fell away and it was as if we were back in uni. Our life experiences are so very different, but there is comfort in talking to N. The best bit about her is she gives me permission to be me. And I as I type this, I realise that is an endearing part of G as well - he lets me be me, much as he disagrees with my choices, beliefs, even values. These are good friends and I am glad I made this visit.

This holiday is supposed to be about me finding my voice. About me making a decision and more importantly knowing why I made the decision. I have tried consciously not to do what I usually do like make lists, plan what I was going to do each day. I am trying to take each day as it comes. I am focusing on having honest conversations; on doing things I like doing, even if it is doing nothing. What I keep hearing is Benny's words - "please yourself."

I Deserve It

J and I went away last weekend to Penang. I needed that break after all the days and nights of preparing for the Launch. Coming back to work on Tue I realised I was the only one who had taken a day off and had a break. The rest of the people in the office had turned up for work on Monday!

I felt a little guilty actually to see so many tired faces around me on Tues, but that feeling didn't last long. I am glad I planned ahead and took leave. I am glad I made arrangements to physically leave Singapore. Even though all J and I did was sleep, lie in bed, eat and watch tv desultorily, it still felt like I was a world away from work and that helped! 

There is something about hotels I absolutely love. Yes I know I have said it before, but hey! this is my blog so I can repeat myself! :) We stayed at a lovely hotel called Lone Pine. It is an old colonial building that has been turned into a hotel and the staff were among the friendliest I have ever met in hotels. Our first night was a bit of a disaster though because the hotel was the venue for a Chinese wedding and we had to endure the kaoaoke cacophany till 11pm because being an old colonial building the windows had louvre shutters instead of thick glass doors. Mercifully, our second night was quiet.

One of the perks of growing older, I think, is that I have learnt to enjoy the pleasures of life. Once I would have postponed taking leave till others took theirs. Once I would have thought long and hard about the wisdom of spending money and flying to Penang and staying in a hotel. But now, I know, I answer to noone but God and me.

CYAN Retreat

Just got back today from church retreat in Johor Bahru, Malaysia. It was a 3D2N retreat for the young adults in my church and I went along as this is where I serve in church. I love worshipping and praying with young adults. They have a zest, passion and freshness for God that energises me :)

We had a fantastic speaker for this retreat - Mr L.T. Jeyachandran - whom everyone calls "LT". LT's speciality is Apologetics and we all came away challenged by his deep knowledge of the Word as well his insightful explanation of how we need to latch our own narratives onto God's meta-narrative. I was especially stirred by the picture he painted of the uniqueness of man as the only one created in the image of God and how the sin I commit mars the dignity of my unique human condition.

It was a good weekend away. Amazingly, there were no traffic jams on the causeway at all, both on Thurs and on Sat. The hotel was also a pleasant one and I had far too much to eat :) But I enjoyed the time away, and the opportunity to catch up with the young adults in other cells whom I normally don't have time to talk to during CYAN cell nights.

My Solo Spa Holiday: Day 1

I have so much to tell you about my wonderful weekend retreat to Javana Spa Resort. I went for a 3D2N trip over the Vesak Day weekend to this resort that is set on a hill. Believe it or not, I first read about this spa in Her World in 1998 and I have been wanting to go there ever since. But money was tight and it wasn't exactly a place one can take children to, so the trip did not become a reality. Till now.

When it turned out that J was not going to be back from the US and K was going home for the summer and I was going to be alone for the long weekend, I decided it would be a perfect opportunity to put into effect my new goal - if I have to choose between sitting it out or dance, I will choose to dance! So I booked myself into the Javana Spa Resort...

Day 1: Fri 28 May 2010

Well, the first day, frankly, was awful.

I had been booked on a 7.00am flight on Garuda ( I hope never to fly it again!) so I had to leave home at 4.50am to be in time for check in. Learning point - never let travel agents book you in flights leaving before 8.30am or you will spend a fortune in taxi fare to the airport because the midnight charges are in effect till 6.00am!

Well, to be fair, my trip started nicely enough - I got a cab, got in time to the airport, checking in was a breeze, I had a leisurely breakfast at Starbucks....mmmm. The flight to Jakarta lasted an hour. As Jakarta is an hour behind us, I landed at 8.00am. I sailed through immigration as well and waiting at the arrival gate was the Javana Spa rep with a placard. Then started the first of my irritances. I was told I had to wait 20 minutes for another party of 6 women who were also going to Javana but were on another flight. I ended up waiting 50 minutes. They were in an SIA flight which carried far more passengers and consequently took far longer at immigration.

But that ended up being the shortest of waits that day. I was wondering why the Javana rep was so edgy while waiting for the group to arrive and soon enough I learnt the reason... The traffic was horrendous! What was described as a 2 1/2 hour ride took us 5 hours!!!! The traffic literally crawled. In fact the traffic was moving so slowly on the expressway that scores of children were walking around hawking drinks and snacks.



The kids were all lined up along the expressway and some of them lugged cartons of mineral water, fruit baskets, keropok down from what appeared to be a kampung inside the thick vegetation. It was then that i realised this traffic jam must be a regular affair!

By the time we got to the spa I was hot, tired, sore-bottomed, frazzled and definitely in a foul mood. But the spa staff was wonderful. They made soothing noises, clucked at the traffic and the heat and promised us that we would soon feel relaxed, now that we were at Javana...

I had a prettily laid out lunch with a really cold glass of water-melon juice. See those breadsticks? They undid all the effects of the spa food. Lethal.



My first experience of eating alone was not pleasant. Strangely, I felt exposed. This surprised me because I have spent many hours in HV Starbucks or Coffee Club by myself and all I had needed was coffee and a book. Yet on this holiday, that I was dining alone seemed to stand out. I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that Javana had few amenities , with no internet, no phone, no TV and nowhere to go other than round the compound. So almost everyone was there either in a group or as a couple. I'm sure many of the guests must have been puzzled about my solo visit to a place where there was little to do except talk and read.

Anyway, I found day meals easier to handle than the evening meals, maybe because of the ducks. This was the outdoor table that was my refuge and if you look closely behind me you will see my dining companions :)



Well, after lunch I was shown to my room....


... a king-sized bed with french windows that opened out to this view...



But I was freaked out. Because before the manager opened the door of the room, he rang the doorbell. To warn the spirits.... Aaaagh!!! The moment I closed the door behind him I dropped my bag and prayed over the room!!! Made sure the Holy Spirit was the only spirit occupying my room that night!

Because we had arrived so late, I missed the afternoon nature hike, but I had the first of my 3 massages that afternoon.... blissssss.... The massages were the most indulgent part of my trip. A massage every day.... But after the massage the day went downhill.

At 6.30 they served mocktails by a fireside. I walked into the lounge and felt like I was back in the school canteen, with all the benches full and no one making space for me. I walked straight through the lounge, out to the lobby and circled back to my room again. I sat and read for half hour then ventured to the dining room and sat at the table by myself and felt the first wave of loneliness.

I don't even remember what I ate the first night of my solo holiday. I kept my eyes glued on my book, smiled at the waiter, and when dinner ended (at 8!) I went back to my room and cried. I prayed and wrote in my journal and harangued God and had a full blown pity party for myself, saying over and over again I shouldn't have come, I should have found stuff to do in Singapore (visit my sister, clean the house, finish up office work, shop, watch movies) and asking God how was I going to survive another 2 days.... The silence was the deepest I have ever experienced. I think I would have even welcomed the sound of the cicak that I hate. I finally fell asleep.

The next morning, I danced with God.

My Solo Spa Holiday : Day 2

Day 2: Sat 29 May 2010
My second day began with a loud knock on my door - a knock guaranteed to wake up even the soundest of sleepers with a start - at 5.30 am! Thankfully that meant it was 6.30 am in Singapore and that wasn't too early for me (plus I had slept really early the previous night...).

This was the sight that greeted us as we gathered to set off for our first activity of the day - a hike to Waterfall Nombor Dua (No. 2). What I really wanted was a cup of coffee. What we got was herbal tea. Sigh.

Well, I was pretty excited about the hike really. I had stopped exercising for a while and I must say the hike has in a way jump-started my exercising again. The hike was a great ice-breaker and by the time we reached the waterfall half an hour later, I had 6 friends - 2 Indonesian men who belonged to the same sports club abd travelled together, a Japanese couple (and the husband looked like Ng Eng Hen, I swear) and a gay couple, one of whom had lived in Singapore for a few years before. They all had one thing in common - at various times they all either caught me when I slipped, or helped me over tricky bits :)

The highlight of my second day came at the end of this trek -Waterfall No. 2. The manager had encouraged us to wear our swimsuits under our trackpants for the trek so we could swim in the waterfall. I was very very sure I was not going to put my feet into the freezing water let alone get into the pool, but I wore my swim suit anyway. And I am so glad I did! Because when we reached the beautiful waterfall, I stood there on the edge of the pool, watching some people jump in, screaming because of the cold, and remembered, dear Wai Yin, my promise that if I had to choose to sit it out or dance, I will dance.

So I danced....







The water was freeezing, but this was the highlight of my holiday - the time I decided to get in and walk through the waterfall!!! I really thought I was going to drown and I couldn't see anything because of all the water pouring down on me. But I had a great sense of accomplishment. The feeling is indescribable. And when we got out of the pool, the guide had towels and steaming cups of ginger tea waiting for us! It was easily the best ginger tea I have ever had :)

When we got back, it was past 7 am and we had breakfast. Each day, a staff would plan my day's programme for me and give it to me at breakfast. My second day's programme included an aerobics class (a fantatstic aerobics instructor! How I wish he was teaching in Singapore and not Javana...), another massage (mmmm), a pedicure with foot reflexology and an exercise class called 'Below the Belt' (well you can guess what areas were targetted in the class).

I also went on a nature appreciation walk...





and that sums up my second day at Javana.

Dinner that second night was a much more pleasant affair. The morning hike had broken the ice and when I walked into the dining room, the group of Indonesians who had helped me in the pool waved me over to join them and though I had a hard time following the conversation at the table (because they spoke Bahasa Indonesia), I was grateful for the friendship.

Sleep came easy....

My Solo Spa Holiday: Day 3

"The heavens declare the glory of God;
the skies proclaim the work of His hands..." (Ps 19:1)

These beautiful skies and towering mountain greeted us on Day 3 when we gathered again for an early morning hike to another waterfall - Nombor Empat (No. 4). The guide promised us that this one was bigger and the most beautiful of all. He also warned us that the climb was more difficult.

I was really buoyed up by my encounter with Waterfall No.2 and wasn't going to miss No. 4! My new found courage began to fail me quite soon because the path to this waterfall was indeed more treacherous than the day before. It had rained the previous night and the rocks were very slippery. My shoes had seen nothing more challenging than the floor of the aerobics room in MOE and the roads of Dover and I slipped, slid and slithered with abandon.

Our trekking group was severely reduced as many who had been to Waterfall No. 2 had decided one waterfall was all they needed to see. The going was the roughest I have tried. Footholds were cut into the rocky face but it was a steep descent and the makeshift bamboo handrail that kind souls had put in place did not extend along the whole trail. But again, as in the day before, I found many helping hands. A gentleman who had just arrived in Javana the night before, broke off a sturdy branch and offered it to me - "nak tongkat?" - and it literally was a life-saver. A Caucasian man who was behind me regaling me with stories of the years he had spent in Singapore assured me - "Don't look ahead at the rest of them. Just walk at your own pace. We aren't in any hurry..." and then when the going got tough he sidled past me and went ahead so he could lead me over the rough patches. The worst bit of the trek was when the footholds stopped and we had to walk sideways along a ledge of rock. That's when I wanted to turn right around and go back!

But I made it to Waterfall No. 4!!!



And though it looks like I am cavorting with strange men in these pictures, I assure you my dears, that these were just really, really kind strangers who encouraged me and guided me across the rocks to walk into the waterfall :) And it was a wonderful feeling!

I walked through that wall of water, not able to open my eyes, gasping from the sheer coldness and volume of water pouring down on me... and then in just a few heart-stopping seconds, I was on the other side of the fall ... and it was absolutely calm. Whenever I read again the words of God in Isaiah, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you", this is the experience I will remember.

The other Singaporeans and I had decided not to risk being stuck in the return jam, so we left early before the rest of the guests checked out. So I had time only for one more massage and an aerobics class.

Isn't it a pretty room? No stuffy airconditioned room smelling of stale sweat. Just open windows and a lovely scenery to look at while exercising.

Well that ended the nicest part of the day, because things went downhill again after that. There was a traffic jam - not as bad as the one we were stuck in on Friday - but energy-sapping nevertheless. The Garuda flight I was on was delayed by an hour - and the only one in the boarding area who reacted to the announcement of the delay was ME....

It was 11.45pm by the time I got home on Sunday. It had been a tiring trip and that seems ironical when you consider the fact that it had been a spa retreat on a hill. But the aspects that had spoilt the trip - the traffic jam, the delayed flight - were not really the fault of the spa management and there was nothing they could have done about it. But I have no regrets. I learnt of a strength within me I did not know I had. And I rested in God's love.

Where Did the Time Go?

I think it is significant that my last blog entry was on 24 Dec 2009, because since then life has been a whirlwind and I am only now beginning to feel I can catch my breath. I heard a phrase on 'Bones' last night that seems to describe it well - "time has gotten away from me..."

Anyway what has been one of the big developments in my life is that The Big M has come to stay. I chanced upon a website the other day that listed 35 symptoms of menopause! And I counted - I have 16 of them. The one that speaks to me most is Number 9: "Crashing Fatigue".... So it has been a tough few months and my daily moods have ranged from sadness to madness and all things in between. But I feel better able to cope after knowing why I feel all these random aches, pains and general misery. And I am glad you have been so understanding my daughters, because I can't imagine me being all that easy to live with these days :)

The last few weeks after Christmas have been crowded largely because we have had an assortment of guests staying with us - all friends of J + one grand-nephew. In all, we have had 5 guests on top of my 2 daughters and daily life for me has been a series of linen changes, towel changes, stocking the larder with milk and toilet paper, and eating. So I ended 2009 5kgs heavier. ("O this too too solid flesh would melt / Thaw and resolve itself into dew" to misquote Hamlet ... hahahaha). In between our days were marked by 1 emergency visit to hospital at 3am, 1 biking accident with a fractured collar bone, 2 surgeries, the tragedy of 1 terrapin's death, 1 bizarre experience of someone being hugged by a tipsy stranger, 1 ardent admirer who came a-courting to my door with a chocolate and a rose and 3 neighbours' greatly mystified by the random ang-mohs flitting in and out of my home.... Yeah, that about captures the randomness of the past weeks :) And now, all of J's friends have left except for K who will be staying with us as she is volunteering with Teen Challenge for a year.

I hardly know where Dec went and now the weeks have gone by so quickly and it is February already. I meant to do a recap of 2009 but .... sigh.... I hope I get around to it. I'm just going to post this now so that my blog doesn't languish. I hope I find time to blog again soon. I do miss it when I don't.

Vidhya's Wedding Photos

I have finally managed to figure out how to import the photos from my new-fangled camera to my laptop :) So here are some pictures from my recent trip to London for my niece's wedding!

My darling daughters and my niece Charllyn all dolled up. Charllyn was a bridesmaid. Vidhya had dresses done up for all her bridesmaids in the same material but in different designs. They all looked very pretty!

From L to R: That's my niece Renu who lives in Florida, my daughter R, the bride Vidhya, my niece Charllyn, my daughter J, and my nephew Arvind looking dapper in his bestman's suit.

Me, my tummy and my daughters :)

With my favourite niece Maya who bugs J by insisting that she is actually my first daughter :)

With my sisters! I have 7 sisters but not all of us could make the trip to London.

The happy couple and my sister, the mother of the bride :)

And my family NEVER has a celebration which does not include dancing :)