At a Hard Place

"How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child."

These words resonated with me when I did King Lear in my pre-university days, thinking of how hurt my father had been by my brother. The words came to my mind again this weekend after I visited my eldest sister in KL.

It is sad to be old and alone. Loneliness is hard to bear no matter what the age. But in old age it is harder, for added to the pain of loneliness, is a sharp sense of failure. A realisation that we have come to almost the end of our days and we have lived the best part of our lives, yet we have little left to show fo it. To be bereft of loving relationships in the winter of our lives becomes harder to bear because there is little left to hope for.

I am at a hard place. I want to care for my sister in her old age but I struggle with the sacrifices my family and I would have to make - giving up a room and privacy; the financial burden of carrying another dependent; coping with the stress of paper work needed to bring her here, hire a maid. Questions arise in my mind - how will this affect my family? what will I do when she needs medical care? what if she rubs my husband up the wrong way? am I ready to take this on for what could well be the next 10 years?

Then I remember that when I baulk at sacrifice, I dishonour my God who sacrificed His Son for me. When I wonder will I be able to afford it, I am questioning if my Jehoveh Jireh will provide for me. When I ask will my children and I handle the stress, I am asking if we, His children, have enough love.

It is a hard place. But I am reminded - "Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." (James 4:17). My heart is heavy.

Somthing to Think About

"Nations, like individuals, languish when they only have uncritical lovers or unloving critics. "

"One paradox of the human condition is that the most logical point at which to undertake painful reform is in good times. The pain will be less then. But virtually no society, and especially no democratic society, can administer significant pain in good times. It takes a crisis to make change possible. Hence, there is a lot of wisdom in the principle, “never waste a ­crisis.”
- Kishore Mahbubani, Dean,LKY School of Public Policy, NUS.

Prof Mahbubani is a thinker I respect. This afternoon I will be attending a talk by him at my office and I am really looking forward to it. He is an old school gentleman and sometimes I wonder what would happen to Singapore when his generation of fearless speakers passes on.

Here are two articles Prof Mahbubani wrote that we have been asked to read as a preamble to his talk:

"Can America Fail?"

"Can Singapore Fail?"

To Love

On Wednesday at CYAN we had an interesting speaker - Rev Matthew Lo. He spoke on 1 Cor 13, the passage which is oft quoted during weddings...

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." (1 Cor 13: 4 - 8)

It is a verse I have hanging in my kitchen as well and like something you see every day and do not notice, I have not paid attention to these words in a long while.

Wednesday's sermon touched me because the message seemed to be a simple one, but when it was unpacked, I realised how difficult it was to act on. Rev Lo pointed out that although this verse is often used in weddings, Paul was not writing this letter to a couple about to get married. Instead, Paul wrote this letter to the church in Corinth which was disunited, envious, quarrelsome and sexually licentious. As the speaker pointed out, the world had got into the church. And Paul was offering love as the only antidote that could pull the church back to what it should be.

I was struck by Rev Lo's question - can you show love in a love-less world? Can you love someone who hurts you again and again, wrongs you again and again, remembers nothing you have done for him and offers you nothing in return? If it was Christ's love we are talking about, the answer has to be yes. Because love keeps NO record of wrongs. Love ALWAYS trusts, ALWAYS hopes, ALWAYS perseveres. But as Jesus says, it is easier to love someone who loves us. But He calls us to show a different kind of love. To love in a love-less world? It is hard.

Not-So-Simple Rule #5: The Fruit Doesn't Fall Far from the Tree

Right, I have been turning this rule over and over in mind for a while now because it would be irresponsible of me to over-simplify this issue, yet if I were to talk about it to the extent it needs, it will be a very long blog entry.... So I have attempted some sort of a happy medium in-between. Let's see how it goes...

Rule #5: The fruit does not fall far from the tree. Who your date is is not going to be very different from who his parents are or who his family raised him to be. This was the thought that started me off in the first place, creating all these 'Rules' on dating... It is a rule that I admit I myself did not pay any attention to when I started dating and I can honestly say, now, that I wish I had.

When previous generations of parents arranged the marriages of their children, the family of origin was the most important factor they considered. Unfortunately, in the modern dating context, this item is not something couples get to till they are quite far down the dating journey and often, they don't get to it right till they are married. But in arranged marriages, if you remember my earlier post, this is the starting point and often the end point too. Both situations are not ideal. Looking at the family of origin of your date should not be the sole determinant of your decision to date or not, nor should it be ignored.

In the modern dating scene, introducing your date to one's parents is seen as a big sign of commitment, so many couples shy away from it. But I would advise you, my daughters, to spend time getting to know not only his family, but also your own - precisely because the fruit does not fall far from the tree.

What do I mean by that, you ask? Simply this - the person you date and you yourself, are shaped by your respective families of origin. Whoever your date is, he is shaped and nurtured by the dynamics of his family of origin. And unless he has recognised this and taken active steps to counter any negative influences there might be, he will bring all of this baggage into the relationship. As will you. Although during the dating stage you might think that the relationship is only about the two of you, it is not. Inside and behind each of you, there are the many patterns of behaviour, attitudes and values that have been layered in each of your lives by the families you were born into and raised in.

Some people spend their lives trying to live in the opposite way to their family of origin. Some people live out exactly the same dynamics of their family of origin. Whether you live by its influence or actively try to counter its influence, the fact remains that your family of origin is right there in the middle of your relationship.

It is important, my daughters, for you to spend time getting to know your date's family because if you keep your eyes and ears open, you will learn many things that will help you decide whether or not you should develop this relationship. His family of origin WILL affect your relationship with him, just as your family of origin will affect it as well. Make no mistake about this.

In what ways?

1. Communication Patterns

Observe how his family communicates. Does the family have conversations? Do they really talk to each other? about issues not just events of the day? Mundane conversations about what happened during the day has its place of course, but if that is all the family talks about - events, other people's lives, commonplace ideas - then there might be a serious issue of avoidance that needs to be addressed.

Observe also how his family deals with conflict. Do the parents have yelling matches? Or does either his mother or father retreat in silence when there is conflict? Does his family deal with conflict or does it pretend there is none? Do family members express their unhappiness to each other or do the parents preserve a veneer of politeness? Does any one of the parents play hard at 'happy families'? Do members in the family feel it is safe to disagree? Do they disagree without disengaging from each other - ie is disagreement allowed without the disagreeing member being made to feel he is being disloyal or disobedient?

The communication pattern in your respective families of origin is important as well - because all couples will have conflict. In fact if you and your boyfriend do not quarrel then that is a HUGE danger sign that you are not talking about issues honestly. And my daughters, in times of conflict, when the cards are down and you see red, the pattern you will fall into is the pattern you grew up with. The communication patterns of your family of origin will be carried over into your relationship. And you need to recognise this and address it right from the start.

2. Values

This is another important area that you need to pay attention to, my daughters. How does his family of origin view dating and sex?How do they view marriage? divorce? How are the women in his family treated? How is money treated? What values are associated with money, thrift, debts etc? What standards of integrity do the parents hold their children to? And an important one - What about forgiveness? Was it offered readily after mistakes? Was it withheld and offered only after much penitence was shown? Were mistakes brushed aside without penalty? These questions matter because they all have implications for issues that will arise in long term relationships. Different values towards money - for example between one partner who comes from a family where thriftiness was valued and another where money was used as a proxy to love - can result in deep unhapiness over spending and saving.

3. Role Models

Observe who the role models for your date are within his family. Is there a male figure he looks up to and wants to emulate? This is important, my daughters, because no matter how your date acts when he is courting you, you must keep at the back of your mind the truth that in moments of stress (and there will be many), this male role model is what your date will morph into. As will you - you too, are likely to morph into the female role model that you have grown up with, in moments of stress. If he has no male role model, or an ineffective male role model, that will create a truckload of problems that I pray will not get dumped on you! If there is a male role model in the family, watch to see how your date interacts with him. What does this male role model do? work as? how does he communicate with women? how does he communicate with your date? Does he affirm him? Watch, listen, observe, because this is a crucial piece of the jigsaw. If a man cannot get his father's affirmation, my dears, he carries it with him for life and will spend a good part of his life searching for it in all the wrong places.

4. Position in Family

This one is difficult and I don't even know if I can explain it correctly. It is a concept called "homeostatis" - the role one plays in the family of origin to keep the family system in 'balance'. In a sense each person has a "function" in the system, a role each one plays in keeping the system in "balance". So family members each play a role - eg the provider, the scapegoat, clown, confidante, the 'parent' child... These roles create a form of co-dependency and each one of us plays this part to keep the family moving along.

Homeostasis also explains something about dating and marriage in general. It explains the common idea why people are attracted to people with whom they (subconsciously perhaps) believe they can recreate homeostasis (order). In other words "falling in love" is often a matter of finding someone with whom we can "work out" family of origin issues.

We tend either to choose someone who is like or radically un-like our family of origin as a marriage partner. What we attempt to do with the partner is to recreate the role we played in our family of origin. So men who are close to their mothers, for eg, might sub-consciously be looking for a mother figure who would treat them in the same way. Or we might look for something that was missing from our family of origin and try to re-create it through the person we are dating.

The problem with this is that your date is neither your parent nor a sibling and he has no idea what the role you are choosing him to play is, because in turn he is choosing the role you are to play in his life! So I might be subconsciously looking for a strong male figure unlike my father or conversely, to re-create the relationship I had with my father. But if the strong male figure I think I have found is in effect looking for a mother figure to nurture him and protect him, then obviously I am set up for disaster, right? Story of my life :)

This brings us right back to where we started - Rule #1. A successful relationship can be forged only between 2 mature, well-defined people - be a dog, date a dog. You need to be able to "leave" your family of origin and the role you played in it and find another person who is able to make the same mature decision. And we will be free and mature only to the extent we are conscious of who we were/are in our family of origin. Remember, the fruit does not fall far from the tree :) And maybe God had something really important to say when He said "a man will leave his father and his mother and be united to his wife and they shall be one flesh" :) Hahaha - don't tell Pastor Rennis I said this ok?

5. Coping mechanisms

This has become a long blog entry as I feared so I am going to talk about just one more... Ask your date - what is his coping mechanism in times of stress? This is a crucial conversation to have and it is strongly linked to the family of origin. Parents who model unhealthy coping mechanisms will pass these on to their children and this will have a big impact on your courtship, and more importantly, on your marriage. We women are blessed by our ability to cry and talk. We truly are. When we feel sad or lonely or bored or stressed, we find consolation in tears, chocolate and friends. We rant and rave and complain and shop and just let the whole world know that we are not happy. The first lesson boys learn, however, is sadly, that "boys don't cry". I really wonder which idiot came up with that parenting tip. The Bible says "Jesus wept"! And there is no macho man on earth who can stand up in comparison to Him! Yet many parents keep telling their sons, not to cry. So what do these boys do? Ask! Because their coping mechanism can cause you many many problems if you don't ask and talk about it. This is the starting point of many unhealthy obsessions. Research has shown for example, that many men who watched porn to relieve stress had fathers who had the same coping mechanism. This is something you may not be able to gauge just by observing, but it is a question you must ask.

So, there you have it. Rule #5. I hope this has not been a depressing read for you, my daughters. It is the most sobering of my 8 Not-So-Simple-Rules and I don't think I have done it justice here. But do not take the issue of your families too lightly. The shadow of your families will always be there and time you spend trying to understand each others' families will be well worth it. As I said before, it is not just his family, but your own too that you need to be aware of.

But when all is said and done, please remember that Jesus Christ is the Author and Finisher of our faith. His love redeems and transforms and there is nothing He cannot change and re-create. All the ghosts of the past, every generational mistake can be wiped out by our God who delights in new beginnings. So in all things, do not despair. The fruit does not fall far from the tree, but we have a living God who catches the fruit when it falls and makes it grow again on a new tree of life! Amen!

Not-So-Simple Rule #4: 3Fs = Pass

So here is the long-awaited Rule #4 :)

Contrary to conventional exam grading systems, my daughters, 3 Fs would be a good checklist to rate potential boyfriends to see if he passes.

1.Faith - I am sure you saw this one coming, right? I cannot emphasise enough, how important this is. This is so important that a guy who doesn't share your faith shouldn't even be a blip on your radar! :) When God called the Israelites out of Egypt and made a covenant with them, He was very clear on this - when you go into the land I give you, do not marry the people of the land. And a major reason for this was that God knew that when His children marry those who worship other gods, it would just be a matter of time before they started adopting the rituals, practices, thoughts and behaviours of their spouses. Because you WILL compromise.

This is not an old-fashioned, narrow minded rule like the practices of some communities who want marriages to be within the same ethnic group or caste. Dating someone who shares your faith is important because when you are dating, you will be vulnerable. The dating phase is when many young people compromise on who they are and how they usually behave and what they prefer, because the desire to please the other person and win his approval is very great (hence the importance of Rule #1). So it will start with small things like feeling awkward saying grace before you eat because he doesn't. Then it will extend to other areas like not talking about God or not giving glory to God for things that happen because it will seem awkward. Then you will start bringing in God only when there are problems - like saying "Oh I will pray about that." instead of God being a vital part of your lives together. And as you get more and more involved in the relationship, you will give up more and more and by the time you get to the wedding, you will be ready to not even have a Christian ceremony because of how awkward it will all be. Marriage preparation claseses? Not a hope! Getting a pastor to marry you? No way that is going to happen!

Ask yourself - are there aspects of your date's faith that you hide from Christian friends or fudge when you talk to your pastor? Is your date's relationship with God something you talk about? If not, why? Is God in the middle of your conversations? Or do you say you will pray about issues on your own, away from each other? If you don't talk about God as a couple and how God is changing you or what God is teaching you and marvel at how God is growing you as a couple, do you think things will change after marriage? Are you and your date just great together or are you great together because you see God's Hand in your lives every day? These are important questions you need to ask and pause to ask yourself why if you answer them in the negative.

2. Family - Another F to consider is how the guy you like relates to his family, how he reacts to your family, what his family thinks of you and what your family thinks of him. Once you start dating, you are likely to become so wrapped up in each other that you will begin to think that the only thing that matters is the two of you. While this may be true early in your relationship, you will soon find that familial relationships will begin to intrude in many ways. How the guy you date relates to his family is important because it will tell you what his attitude towards familial relationships are - how he treats his parents and his siblings will give you a very good indication of how he will treat your parents and siblings and how he will treat you and your children in the future. Also ask yourself how your family feels about him as a person and be willing to hear them out without becoming defensive. Your family knows you in ways even you may not know yourself and they might see aspects of your relationship that you are blind to. If you hide aspects of your date from your family or are ashamed to tell your family about some things, then that should be a warning to you that all may not be right. If you hide something from your family because you think they would not approve of him or accept him if they knew this, then, my daughters you really should drop this guy like a hot potato :) Watch closely when his family members speak of him or to him - because like your family, his family knows him well too and what is left unsaid can sometimes mean a great deal.

3. Friends - This is one barometer you should consult as well before you embark on a steady relationship. Does he introduce you to his friends and do they like him? Are you eager to introduce him to your friends and do they like him? A sure sign that this may not be the guy for you is if your friends feel uncomfortable around him or if he does not introduce his friends to you. If in dating him you find yourself drawing away from your own circle of friends, beware! The friends you knew and enjoyed spending time with before you knew him are a valuable part of your life. If your date feels uncomfortable around them, it should be a sign to you that things are not all that they seem to be. The guy you date should encourage you to spend time with your friends and he should have a circle of friends that he continues to keep in touch with. Dating does not mean seeing only each other exclusively. Such exclusivity will result in you having only one perspective of any situation that arises - his. Your friends should be able to welcome the guy you are dating into their company and enjoy his presence without a feeling of constraint. Mutual friends are important and you should feel comfortable with his best friends too. If the guy you date begins to find fault with your friends or forces you to choose between him and your friend, alarm bells should ring, my daughters.

So, my daughters, check for the 3 Fs before you decide that this is the one, for they will give you a pretty good indication as to whether you should commit :)

My First Glog

Hey Prav - this one is for you! I created a glog at the workshop I attended today! Here it is. The techno-cavewoman has evolved :)

In God's Waiting Room

Every now and then, things stop happening in my life and God puts me in His waiting room. Right now is one such time.

There are many ways to describe it; I used to think of it as being "in limbo". But yesterday, in a counselling course I attended, I was asked to define what "being in limbo" feels like. And I realised that "in limbo" does not accurately capture how I feel like now. Because being in limbo comes from the Roman Catholic theology that believes that "limbo" is where innocent souls like babies or virtuous people who lived before Christ came, live. "In limbo" also seems to imply some kind of neglect or confinement. And I realise that that is NOT how I feel. So I shall stop using that phrase.

I do not feel that I am waiting for the release of God's grace and mercy. I certainly do not feel that God is neglecting me. On the contrary I know that although God is silent right now, He is with me. Definitely with me, on my side, in God's Waiting Room.

It is not a comfortable place to be for me. Because I am by nature a scheduled person. I like to plan, I live by my calendar, I am an obsessive to-do list maker. So it is hard not knowing what to do next. Do I apply for Professional Development Leave? Do I do a course? Shall I opt for part time work and study? What work is there for me to do next year? There are no answers.

But I have been looking back at my journal, looking for what God has been speaking into my life. And this I know - He has grown me in this area of my life in a sure way. Where I used to fret, and plead and ask a hundred questions and ask for advice from anyone willing to listen, I now have learnt to be still and wait. The Waiting Room of God can be a frustrating place to be, but I am learning that God has been growing me in small, sure ways to come to a point of complete trust in Him. I have not reached that place yet. But I know He will keep me in this Waiting Room until I do. But He is sitting here with me, patiently.

Today, in church, I heard Him again. Pastor Laura shared a vision of a tunnel with a glimmer of light at the end though the light seems far away. And she spoke the same words I sensed in my heart - that God was asking me to trust Him,to not worry about the journey ahead, to accept just enough light for the step I am on, no more.

So that is where I am - in God's Waiting Room. Not in limbo, but held in His hands, listening in anticipation, trusting that God who loves me immeasureably more than my human mind can imagine, knows exactly what is there in my tomorrows.

My Quote of the Day Today!!!!

No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

Not-So-Simple Rule #3: Lions are Bad News

Beware, my daughters of Lions, for if you date a lion, you will have to be prepared to be a lioness.

Lions are men who are attractive, attentive and charming but are only interested in dating because they are looking for 'trophy dates'. A 'trophy date' is someone who draws the admiring glances of others around you, like the models on the arms of footballers :) I know you are protesting that you aren't models or actresses but many young women are potential 'trophy dates' because they are popular, or smart or well-liked by others or even godly. Lion-men try to covet women who other men are interested in. Winning women who are liked by other men adds to the 'trophy' value of these women when they finally say yes to these men who are courting them.

Being courted by a Lion-man can be a heady experience because lions will pull out all the stops and stop at nothing to impress. They are attentive dates, they woo with the exact qualities they know you are looking for, because lions do their research and their stalking for a long time before they initiate the wooing process. So there will be extra attention, romantic gestures, lavish gifts, the works. And it will be very hard not to be impressed. :)

But once the courting period is over and they are sure of their catch, a number of things can and will go wrong. The worst that can happen is that the lions miss the thrill of the courtship and wooing and stray - by beginning the courting and wooing with the next woman they fancy. Because the thrill is in the hunt and the desire to add another 'trophy' can sometimes prove too strong. So even while these lions are in a relationship, they will not curb their flirting ways. If the woman they are dating complains, the lion men get very upset and either accuse their dates of being jealous and possessive or just declare that that is the way they are and that the women would have to accept them like this. Both such statements, my daughters, are danger signs to heed and to make a fast exit.

If the lion stays without straying, there is another aspect their dates will have to contend with. The lion does not hunt; the lioness does. Lion-men are often too busy preening their mane and "being the man" that they do not have the energy to invest time and effort in building their family. Remember this if you ever date a lion. The lion does not bring up the cubs and the lion feeds on the prey that the lioness hunts and carries back. Lion men make self-indulgent mates who will be romantic when they want to pacify their mate, often with extravagant, larger-than-life gestures and sweet words. But when it comes to paying the bills, staying up for night feeds and keeping track of school events for the children - baby, you are on your own!

So, unless you want to be the lioness - supporting, propping, paying and desperately praying - steer clear of lions! And how will you know he is a lion? He will put a great store by appearances (telling you what looks good on you, calling you sweet names like 'hey gorgeous'), he will be very proud of the way he looks (the mirror checking will be a dead giveaway) and he will likely have a poor work ethic (either holding a series of flashy short-lived jobs, or not putting in his best in his job and often encouraging his date not to as well)......

So if there is a handsome guy on the horizon who is being especially attentive and your girl friends are falling over themselves trying to get his attention and he is setting his zoom lens on you, turn and run, my daughters because Lions are Bad News!!!!!! :)

Not-So-Simple Rule #2: Ox + Ass = Crooked Furrow

You are familiar with this rule, my daughters - "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers" (2Cor 6 :14). This reference in the Bible does not specifically refer only to marriage but to any close relationship or partnership you would enter into. But most often, it is cited as the reason why it would be unwise to date (and marry) a non-believer.

Familiar though this might be, it is a not-so-simple rule because the unequal yoking could not just be between a believer and a non-believer, but also between 2 believers. So it is not just a straightforward admonishment to only date and marry a Christian, but also to check where each one of you is with the Lord.

Dating someone of a different faith from you is asking for trouble. In the first flush of romance, it will seem as if you can work ANYTHING out! Often the first attraction is a physical one and the other party is so very keen to get into your good books and be accepted by you that he will promise anything to anyone. Strong Christians are very attractive. Increasingly, in today's society, faithful Christian young men and women who choose not to party, not to sleep around, not to get caught up in the posturing and pretence, are attractive to the average decent blokes out there. These are good guys we are talking about - they get their grades, they aren't fooling around, they are nice - and they are looking. And these are the guys you need to be careful not to fall for because they will have nothing counting against them - except that they do not know the Lord.

You will need to be even more careful when it is another Christian. Because professing the faith is not the same as living it. It is a living relationship of faith that counts. A Christian who enjoys a vibrant relationship with God who dates a Christian who is lukewarm in his relationship, is still unequally unyoked. And this relationship is more dangerous because the cracks will not start showing till much, much later. Because you think the guy you are dating is a Christian, you will miss small warning signs or overlook shortcomings or forgive stumblings. Then you will start to make small compromises as well, because you love this person so much. And that my dears is when God will get edged out of your lives and become a convenient person you remember on Sundays.

The image of unequal yoking is an apt one. If you remember the account of creation in Genesis, you will remember how often the phrase "each according to its kind" is repeated. If I tried to plow my field by yoking an ox and an ass together, I will not get a straight furrow. The stronger animal will be pulling at a different speed and with greater strength. The weaker animal will struggle and might collapse. The stronger animal will set the pace because of its superior strength and the weaker animal will either give up or be at the mercy of the stronger animal or in extreme cases, collapse from the exhaustion of being unequally yoked. A relationship where a believer is yoked with an unbeliever is in danger of the same fate.

And it will be true even if you were both believers but one had a stronger relationship with God than the other. If I put a weak ox together with a strong ox, I still would not get a straight furrow because the slow ox will slow down the stronger ox, or leave the strong ox to do all the work while it goes along for the ride. More worryingly, the stronger ox here may not necessarily be the Christian and in that case it will just be a matter of time before the cracks start to show and then compromises will be made.

If both the animals who are yoked are strong, such as a strong ox and a strong horse, then you can imagine the chafing there is going to be under that yoke. I will still not get the nice furrow I want because each animal will be trying to set the pace, each will want to go its way. I might have matched the 2 animals in strength, but they are still unequally yoked. For a straight furrow, I need to match a strong ox with another strong ox or a strong horse with another strong horse - equal yoking!

So, when you date, my daughters, remember Strong Ox + Strong Ox = Straight Furrow; Ox + Ass = Crooked Furrow :)