Self Reflection

My church has recently started a thrust towards encouraging discipleship among its members. This vision has struck at answering chord within my heart as I have been longing for a discipling relationship with someone who could guide me spiritually.

From my pre-believing days right through the past 17 years it has been Wai Yin who has been my guide-post in all matters spiritual (and otherwise) but much as I would wish to, we have not been able to see each other on a regular basis. So it has been that we meet up when there is a crisis (always mine of course).

Since last month, I have been meeting one of my church elders, Laura, once a fortnight. This started as a follow up to the cell leaders training that I attended last year. I guess it is a way for the church to make sure they are not letting loose a wolf among the sheep :) Yeah so we have been meeting for a couple of hours on Sat afternoons and it has been quite cathartic for me :) I haven't been able to be as open as I am with Wai Yin but of course there is a lot of history there that I'm sure can't be repeated. Nevertheless, I have since realised how important it is to have a spiritual guide, someone who has walked the path ahead of you, who has been matured by her struggle and who can in turn help you cope with your own.

As part of this plan to get the congregation into discipling relationships, the leadership also distributed a table of sorts for us to gauge where the members of our cell were in their walk with God - new Christians, growing or mature. Looking at this table, it occurred to me that it really isn't easy to say. I suppose by the fact that I am training to be a Asst Cell Leader, one would say I have been classified as a 'mature' Christian - ready to help others walk with God. But in reality, I would say I was still 'growing'.

Just 1 incident this past week has made me very aware of how I fall short. Last week, the usual round of annual promotions came round and I subsequently sent an email message congratulating those on the list whom I usually talked to. But I omitted one name. Because I just could not bring myself to say to this person that I was happy for her promotion. So I thought I must be honest to myself, and not be a hypocrite, saying something that I did not mean.

But immediately after, 2 colleagues came up to me to say they had noticed that I had not included this person's name in the email. Al 3 of us had had bad times with this person and the 2 who came to speak to me were not condemning me but commiserating with me because they saw in my email, a reflection of their own feelings for her.

And in that moment, I stood condemned. I saw at once how I had failed God. I had in my human-ness, passed up a chance to forgive her, to see her through Christ's eyes, to treat her differently than as the world would have treated her. I had been petty and I had not had the grace to rejoice with her and God saw that. And in sending those 2 colleagues to me, He showed me where I had failed - because it was not a case of "being human" as one of my colleagues said. It was a case of passing up the chance to have made a better choice.

Easter Weekend

I have had an eventful Easter weekend. Started with Maundy Thursday service in church - it was surely by grace alone that I did not fall asleep during the service because I was really tired and the speaker was ummmm... erudite. But Maunday Thursday service is always a poignant one and always makes me sad and I can't wait for the celebratory Easter service. Then there was Good Friday service on Friday morning and a major personal achievement this year was that I made it to the 7am Easter service this year! Applause applause! Been wanting to do that for so many years and I'm really glad I managed it this year much as the bed beckoned. And I must say it was wonderful to experience the promise of a new beginning right at the beginning of a new day rather than in the middle of the morning as I usually do. By grace of God, I will make it to dawn Easter service next year too!

And on Saturday, I went to the perfect wedding. I kid you not. You know how I have this thing about weddings. And as weddings go, I really must say this one was beautiful. Rachel, if you are reading this, may I just say to you, I pray that your marriage will be in every way as beautiful as your wedding was. The venue was the Barker Road Methodist Church and it was just the right size and the wedding decor was tasteful, the number of guests was just right for us all to take photos with the couple, the wdding invites and programmes were handmade, the photos were beautiful and captured the mood of the couple lovingly, the reception was lavish (great desserts and even ice-cream!), the music was appropriate... and when the couple finished their vows and walked out the door, the church bells pealed! Wow! I've never heard that before! But I'll tell you the best part for me - was the look on the groom's face as the bride walked in. In all the weddings I have attended, I have never seen a man look like that. He looked as if he was going to cry with happiness! As if this was the woman he had been waiting for all his life. Wow. I swear. I have never seen a man look like that except in the movies. And I knew for sure that my friend has got herself a gem when he started to sing for her and couldn't continue and broke down. Then the composure and dignity with which he collected himself... Rachel, my dear, for all your waiting and all your past hurts, God has surely blessed you with one waiting for.

So, here I am, on Sunday night, the long-awaited weekend over. I have bible study class for the next 2 nights and I haven't finished my homework so I should go and finish that now. As a good example to my children.

But I have been reading Ephesians (with the famous "Wives, submit to your husbands, as to the Lord" passage and my favourite "Children, obey your parents in the Lord for this is right" passage) and I have a sense that there has been a message for me this weekend from all the experiences and readings and sermons but I haven't been able to find a pattern. There is a vague sense of disquiet as if there is a Maths problem that I need to figure out, as if I have missed a clue that will reveal a direction or way to solve something. But I don't know what it is - I can't identify the problem and I don't know what it is that I need to solve. I think I just need to wait and let the pieces fall into place.

Hey, Where Is Your Update?

I have updated this blog at least 10 times. In my mind :) The hard part has been finding the time to sit down and write all the things I want to talk about!

This new year, many things have happened. Many changes, developments, some sadness, some worry. But I have missed the chance to write about developments as they happened largely because when you are in the middle ofthings you can't really sit in a corner and write about it (except if you were a CNN reporter I guess).

So here in a nutshell are the things that have happened since my last update on 1 Jan 08 (well, at least what I remember):

• We have sent my second daughter Rubhinni to Trinity College, Melbourne to do a Foundation Studies course. I went with her on 7 Feb to help her settle in and was really blessed by the friendship, kindness and thoughtfulness of my friends and relatives there - Neena, Bee Leng and Ling Kuei. Thanks for the innumerable lifts, for all the walking around and for taking us places, and for opening your homes to us! Not to forget the sheer kindness of strangers - the Thai lady on a tram, the Indian student who walked with us to show us a place we were looking for, the Lebanese (?) guy on the plane who gave up his window seat so we could sit more comfortably. It was a blessed trip and more of it later.
• My niece Maya has upped and left :( so there is no more trips for coffee and cake, no more ice cream in my fridge, no more Rohan playing baby cheeta. Also no more home cooked food as Yati has gone with her :) But I guess I just miss having Maya around.
• I have let out Rubhi's room to Johnson from my church. He is a full time church worker with Campus Crusade and he moved in 2 days ago.
• In terms of work, I have had some good experiences - like doing teacher recruitment at The Fashion Bar in Clarke Quay (great fun!) and some bad experiences (like the ill-conceived workshops that I'm in the middle of now).
• I have met with old long lost friends - TWICE with the same group of friends within a week after decades of not seeing each other! Hahaha. Sadly I could n't spend long enough time with them but it was nice to slip into a conversation with the same ease we had 20 years ago. Well, except with one who shall remain unnamed - go figure!
• I have also entered a new phase in my walk with God. Started bible study classes (which I am not enjoying much at the moment because the method being used is quite tedious, but I will stick it out and see if I change my mind). Also have started a personal discipling relationship with one of the cell pastors in my church and that has been really good as the sessions have helped me to identify areas in my life where I need to grow spiritually.
• Most of all, I am having to cope with living with my husband alone again :) I miss my 2 girls a great deal. I worry about Rubhinni more, because she is not in a student community like Jen is in and I wish she too would be led to a church community which will give her the support she needs and encourages her to grow. But generally, there is a sense of emptiness - and yes, the empty nest syndrome is real! But it is a real blessing that God has shown me so many things I can get involved in now.
• I am also learning to adjust to a new area of parenting - being more of a friend and less of the parent to Jen as she starts on a new phase of her life as well. Messed up a bit I think at the beginning, but I think I won't mess up too much :)

Well, that's it for a quick update. I am really amused, touched and encouraged that so many of you actually read my blog and have asked me what has happened to it!!! I feel like a celebrity :) But most of all, I am just touched that you care what happens to me.

Happy New Year!

The first day of 2008 is here! And it doesn't feel any different from yesterday :) And from today for the next few weeks (maybe even months) I will have to remember to write 08 when I date stuff!

I learnt yesterday from Devan Janadas' article in The Straits Times why we celebrate the new year on 1 January. When the Roman calendar was devised the first month was named after the Roman god, Janus, who was the god of doors and beginnings and who had 2 faces - one looking forwards and one looking backwards. And the first day of this month was chosen by Julius Caesar sometime in 46 BC as the first day of the new year. When the early church chose Dec 25 as the birth day of Jesus Christ, Jan 1 was a convenient beginning of the new year for the early church as it was 8 days after Christmas, the day in which a Jewish baby would have been circumcised. Thus the Roman New Year became a Christian one too. There was, however, quite a lot of disagreement between the early churches and when the Roman empire fell, Christians celebrated New Year on March 25 instead - calculated as being the Day of Annunciation (when the angel Gabriel announced to Mary that she would bear the Christ child), nine months before Christmas Day! Although the Catholic church subsequently adopted Jan 1 as New Year's Day in 1582, the Protestant churches held out from adopting this calendar till the 18th century!

So what is time then? Just a series of arbitrary decisions by some powerful and influential men? What does it mean when we buy a new diary and write in appointments for March or October? The only thing we can set store by when it comes down to it is by the rising and setting of the sun - "And it was morning and it was evening and it was another day". We rush to meet deadlines, keep appointments, make plans, celebrate events etc etc, but real time is in God's hands. Despite all my planning and scheduling, not even one moment of time is in my hands. I can do nothing to change or recapture the moment that has passed and I have no control whatsoever over the moment to come. Yet in my arrogance or complacency I do not pause to accept how little really is within my control.

This new year I feel challenged by God to trust Him in new ways like I have never trusted Him before. When I consider the 'coincidences' of history, I am amazed that the whole world today marks time by the birth and death of Christ - the New Year defined by Christmas, the centuries defined by His death. To me, God is the Author of time. He is the Beginning and He will be the End. And my mind is too small to comprehend time as He sees it. But this year He has challenged me to abandon my calendar, my to-do list, my worry-list and to trust Him one day at a time. This is very difficult for me especially because a big challenge for me is sending Rubhi to Melbourne. I am at peace with this decision. But there are moments when there is niggling fear - can I afford it? Will she be disadvantaged in anyway? Will she cope with the work and with living on her own? What will she do during the holidays? Should I ask her to come back in June? So it is not a comfort for me when I sense God asking me to trust Him one day at a time. That is not in my nature - I am a planner and a scheduler. Security is high on my priority list! Certainty! - how I love that :)

Yet this is what I sense my growth area this year is going to be - to trust God with my tomorrows. And last night's service affirmed this for me. In his sermon Joshua said the key questions is not - 'Were there more ups than downs in my life this year?', but 'Was God at work in my ups and downs this year?' And from that realisation, to come to the point where I will be able to say - If God was, is, and will be at work in my life, then it was, is, and will be a very good year.

Christmas and post-Christmas

I have been on leave since Christmas and it has been nice not really doing anything. I spent one morning creating a to-do list but nothing on that list has been crossed off :) I then debated whether I should make a 'Resolutions' list or a 'Goals' list. The jury is still out on that one. Suggestions are welcome :)

I thought I would spend time with Rubhi but she has gone off to church camp and will be back only on Sunday so I still have time to myself over the next 2 days to do something about my to-do list.

This was a strange Christmas for me because it was the first one when Jennani was not home for Christmas. After coming for my 50th birthday she felt it was too expensive to come again so soon so she has been staying with friends. Maya cooked us a really nice family dinner on Christmas eve and that really felt Christmas-sy as she had the table all prettily laid out with Christmas crackers too. Then of course there was wine. My family's wine intake has increased by 200% since the arrival of my niece :) We went to church for Christmas service at 10pm and it finished at around midnight, after which we went back to Maya's to open presents and drink more wine.

Christmas day started off all in a frenzy as my 2 sisters-in-law had come to spend Christmas Eve at our place and one of them offered to make the lasagna for dinner that night. I had planned to do some last minute shopping after church but had to go to get the ingredients she needed before church so that she could cook and that kind of made me late for church so I felt quite frazzled when I got to church. But the carols soon calmed me down and Joshua's sermon was superb. Durai's family came over for Christmas dinner and it was a record number this year as there were 30 people there. As usual I made too much food (I have a perennial fear that I would run out of food and year after year I end up with huge amounts of leftovers). I made Maya nd family come over the next day to eat the leftovers and there is still stuff in the fridge now!!! Sigh...

Well, that's Christmas over and New Year 3 days away. I have decided that this year I will go to the Covenant Service before making my way to my brother-in-law's place for the annual eve of New Year dinner. The service is at 8 instead of 10.30pm as it usually is, so I can make it to the dinner by 10.30pm methinks.

So my friends, what are your hopes for 2008? Leave me a note if you have any prayer requests and I promise to remember you in my prayers :)

Getting Ready for New Experiences

A lot has been happening with me and I guess that's why I haven't been updating as often as I used to.

After coming back from UK I felt I really had been travelling too much and hadn't spent much time with my family. So we went for 3 days to KL, checked into Eastin Hotel and did nothing but chill and just hang around. It was terribly anti-social of me but I didn't even pop by to my sister's much as I just wanted to take things easy, not do anything at all. And I am glad I did because I felt really more relaxed and refreshed after that short trip.

It was during this trip too that a momentous decision was made in the family, and that was to send Rubhi to Melbourne to do Foundation Studies rather than carry on with her 'A' levels. I am glad we had the chance to talk about this and I am glad she is gungho enough to try an alternative route. So since we got back I have been talking to a lot of people - people who have sent their children there, people in professional circles who hire workers, office colleagues, young people who have been there and back - and I haven't heard a single dissenting voice. I think the only dissenting voice has been from Rubhi's cell friends! In fact the only worry people have expressed is that Rubhi would be homesick and that I would miss her. The first thing Jen asked was "Is she ready to go? And are you ready for her to go?" :)

Am I ready for her to go? 2 weeks ago I would have said yes. Since receiving the acceptance letter, I am not so sure :) I suppose a lot of it is psychological. I was ready that she would go in 2009. In fact I told her a few months ago that I would want to send her to an overseas university after her 'A' levels however well she does. It is my personal opinion that our schools teach too much. We set such high expecatations in terms of content knowledge right from primary school and then we up the stakes in secondary school and pre-univeristy that by the time they go to university there is little choice but to teach at an ever higher level. The result of this is young people who spend a lot of time studying and accummulating content knowledge but with little time to develop life skills that they really need. Sad. So, I may not be ready as a mother but I am ready as an educator.

As a mother? Yes, I am anxious. I know there will be homesickness. I know I will miss her like I miss Jennani. But I also know that she will make friends and that she will learn new things and have new experiences that will shape and mould her. I worry that she will be lonely or that she will be sick. But I also know that I have good friends and relatives in Melbourne whom I can count on. So it is matter of telling my heart to believe what my mind knows :)

It looks like 2008 is going to be a year of new experiences for me. It will be a year when both my children will not be at home for the first time. I have a new boss at work. Maya and Rohan would have gone back. Suddenly the year seems to stretch ahead of me.

Sleepless in Singapore

It is 4.20am and I can't sleep. Not sure if it isbecause I am jetlagged or because of my cough. But I have been so busy since I came back that I rather welcome this opportunity to have some quiet and to gather my thoughts. Blogging has in some strange way become therapeutic, almost (but not quite) as journalling.

Work has piled up in office largely due to me having been away for so long. I feel the length of my absence especially in the amount of office gossip and happenings that I have to be filled in on :) I spent the whole of my first day back at work just clearing my email yet there were still 21 unread emails in my inbox when I left work yesterday. But it felt good to be back and to fit back into the office chatter. I was a bit sad though to learn that my two immediate neighbours Ben and Martin would be moving into new cubicles in Jan. I shall miss the casual chats we have - I know from past experience that somehow when people aren't in the cubicle right next to you, there is a little bit more effort that one has to make.

But I am far sadder over the fact that my birthday party photos turned out badly. I have been waiting to get the photos before I blogged about my party so I could share the moments. Well I saw the photos on Tuesday and my heart ached. I actually came home and cried. Some of the photos had double images, most of them were dark but worst of all, there were just no photos at all of some people I had posed with . The most unforgivable omission of all to me was the group photo I had taken with my 7 sisters. That was a really important moment for me and the photographer just didn't manage to get it.

I don't know what it is with me and photos but I just love them. My home is full of photo albums and I just get pleasure out of looking at old photos. In fact one of my post-retirement plans was to take a course in photography and to catalogue all the photos I have. I had been really looking forward to the 50th birthday album I was going to put together. I was first disappointed when the photos taken at my family party on the 7th were botched because I had set the camera for nightime and my daughters had not realised that when they snapped the photos. As a result most of the photos were shaky. I was sad then but I knew the fault was as much mine, as I should have warned my girls about it. But I had higher hopes pinned on the photographer for my party as I thought he would do a good job. And I was also excited over the fact that I would have all my friends I had not met for ages and my family who lives in different parts of the globe with me that evening.

I don't know what life lesson I am supposed to learn from this disappointment. Right now I am not ready for it. But I suppose as with all things I will come to accept it and move on. And Saro - thanks for the long call to commiserate with me :)

Hello from London

So here I am at an Internet cafe on Cromwell Road, London, blogging. Am in London for work and it's really cold. Well, maybe not really cold because it is still autumn and not winter yet. I am not planning to stick around till then to find out. I'm glad there is a label for the way I feel though - Seasonal Affective Disorder - SAD, which is how the cold makes me feel... Give me sunshine, baby :)

Well, due to a spectacular mix-up I'm here one day before the actual meeting date so I had a free day's stay in London. I spent the early part of the morning sorting out the problem and then spent the rest of the day wandering around. Thanks to Maya's tip off I walked down to Holy Trinity Brompton, harbouring hopes of running into Nicky Gumbel, the ALPHA man himself, but no luck. The church too was closed because they had had an ALPHA meeting last night and they were re-arranging the chairs etc. So I wandered around the bookshop, then had an expensive lunch (£9 for a baguette and soup!!) before visiting the Natural History Museum. I must say it was interesting and I was awed by the dinosaur at the entrance as well as the huge Blue Whale. I must confess there were moments when I doubted how Job could have been swallowed by a fish and how he survived inside it till it spewed him out at Nineveh, but after seeing that Blue Whale, I doubt no more! :)

I can't wait to go home - not just to get out of this cold, but also because I just want some routine in my life again. I am such a routine kind of person. Things at home have been out of synch for a while now with my family visiting, my China trip, then my birthday bash and now my UK trip, so I'm just tired. I want the familiarity of waking, praying and yes, even going to work. I want to not have to think about what to wear. And update my blog. Well, Neen, you will have to wait longer for an update now.

I guess this is as good a time as any to learn to just live in the present, to take each day as it comes and to do just what I need to do today.... I truly believe God planted us just where we are meant to be. I am meant for the sunshine :)

It Was A Blast!

To all those who are keen to know what happened for my birthday, I am afraid you will have to wait. I had 2 parties - one thrown by my sisters on my actual birthday and the other bash organised by my niece, daughters and 3 ex-students on the 10th. Five of my sisters have gone back, the last 2 at 6.30am this morning; Jennani left 2 hours ago and I am in the middle of my frenzied packing before I leave in 8 hours; time for London for work. I hope I'll be able to catch my breath in London and hopefully update! For now let me just say, it was a blast, I had a great time, it was lovely to see so many of my friends and family and I am really grateful to all those who came to celebrate with me :)

Happy Birthday to me

So this it. I am 50. Strange how everything feels exactly the same it did yesterday. Hahahaha. I had a great day even though as I suspected a number of people forgot it was my birthday today. I'm sure I'm going to be getting the usual apologetic calls and sms-es tomorrow or even the day after. Then there will be the handful who will think forever more that my birthday is on 10th Nov :)

I had two surprises today - a huge bouquet of chocolates that Neena sent me - 50 of them with the express command that I am not to share them. Hahaha - Neen can you imagine what I would look like if I did? But it was a sweet thing to do though if I could have chosen, I would have preferred you at my party than the chocs:) And a lovely orchid plant from my student Anitha. Thanks a lot my dear. It was a lovely surprise & again, I wish you could come :)

Then in the evening, my sisters threw me a great party. It was a strange experience for me, being the reason why my sisters had gathered. To be honest, I had mixed feelings - I was really, really touched at the fact that they have all made the effort to come all the way to celebrate my 50th. But also saddened a little by the fact that a number of them struggled to remember something about me. The most anecdotes about me had to do with me being sick or being taken to hospital :) My sister Mena, however, wrote a really lovely 'poem' that showed me how she, among all my sisters, had been so much a part of my life. But this is an aspect of my family life that I have come to accept - that it was just the way things were, that my parents were so old when I was born and my sisters had all left home to pursue their studies / career or to start their own families while I was growing up and I was always on the periphery of things. And it was as my nephew Vijay said - that my nieces and nephews seemed more like my siblings than my sisters and although I was the youngest in my family, I was often in the role of being the 'eldest' among my nephews and nieces. And I must admit I did my fair share of bullying of my nieces and nephews :) Speaking of whom, I was really really really happy and touched that my niece Mala made a surprise trip all the way from New Zealand to be at my birthday. She flew in this morning and walked into my party. What a lovely, lovely surprise.

Anyway, it was a great evening. My brother-in-law cooked, we played games, we reminiscenced, we had cake - it was a delicious banana-choc fudge from Awfully Chocolate - and it was lots of fun. My sisters bought me the sari I am wearing in the pics as well as a very pretty bracelet. Here are the pics of the cake, the gift and of me and my sisters in all our glory :)