Something Has to Give

Hello blog. I have thought of you often. I miss writing. As I was travelling home today I wondered why. Why do I not have the time or inclination to write these days? 

And I think it is the result of a number of things. The commute which tires me, the work that eats up my evenings, the diminished after-work life and the lack of reflection. 

I looked over my last few posts and I realise I've been more melancholic these last few months than I was even when I was in the middle of my domestic troubles last year. I don't have the spirit to get up and face the day. I think about the stuff on my to-do list all the time. On the bus, in the shower, while I'm reading the Bible. I think the only time work isn't on my mind is when I'm exercising with Johan and that's because he talks to me all the time. So that's good.

But this cannot go on. I need to choose to change. I need to change my perspective or change my job or change the way I view my job. I am putting aside what matters to me for the sake of what I have to do. I have to change something. Question is, what?

Mismatch?

Finally, I have come to the end of the first run of my training workshops. It has been 5 long weeks. Yesterday, the last day of my workshop, I don't know who was happier - me or the participants :) 

I think I have identified what it is that makes me feel dispirited and joyless in my new job. I think it is because in the past few years,  I have deliberately been cultivating a life that is more about thinking than doing, more about connecting than telling, more about saying yes to life rather than yes to work. Then just when I thought I was going to move forward in this journey by doing more of what I love, which is teaching, I realise I have actually moved back. I have moved back into a life of working without asking why, of doing without reflection, of valuing speed more than deliberation.

I think the life cycle I am at does not match the life cycle of the organisation I am in. The organisation  is new, needing to grow quickly, needing to make an impact. What it needs are people who are eager to be pioneers, to be trailblazers. I am not. I am at a life stage when I want to be retrospective, when I want to make sense of life, and use my life experiences to mentor and guide the younger ones. I feel like Moses at the end of leading his wandering flock, not Joshua waiting to charge in with the flock. To Joshua the Promised Land was one of opportunity and promise. To Moses the Promised Land would have meant the reward for his toils.

I wish I knew how to manage this mismatch. I know where I am is part of God's design and purpose. I know I am called to do my work as unto the Lord and not men. I know I can trust God. I wish my heart would listen to my head more.

Blues

I fear this is the year my blog will die. Not because I am tired of writing in it but because my world has shrunk and become less rich. The change in my job is not suiting me well. I feel like a fish taken from the sea and put in a fish-bowl. Like a wanderer told to walk in a straight line. And my evenings and weekends are no longer mine alone.

I am so dispirited I have even begun to wonder if there might be some truth in horoscopes. I used to be an avid reader of horoscopes before I became a Christian but not since. But over the Chinese New Year,  almost every magazine I picked up had predictions for the Rooster in this Rabbit year and I confess I peeked. And all 3 predictions I read said the same thing - that this will be a difficult year for me career-wise. And so far, I must say, it has been just that.

What I thought was settling-in blues seems to be lasting far too long. Surely, surely, Lord, there must be more to work than this?

Piecing Together the Jigsaw

I'm reading Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend and I'm amazed at the wealth of insights I receive every time I read and re-read it. I wish I had read this book earlier in my life; but I also wonder if I would have been able to appreciate its truths then. 

I believe God brings me to certain points in my life when jigsaw pieces that had been scrambled before suddenly fall into place. I had this experience once before, when I did the Search for Life course in church in 2008. Now with this book, I am piecing together different aspects of my life again.

The term "boundaries" is usually misinterpreted and many of us (myself included) tend to think we have boundaries in place, in the sense we are not doormats, we behave, and we conduct our lives with a measure of decorum. But I am thankful to Joshua for asking me to read this book, for it has opened up a whole new dimension of self-awareness for me.

I have realised how I have not drawn boundaries in my marriage. I understand why I feel a need for approval from people. And I understand better, the times when I felt resentful even when I was "doing the right thing". These have been huge learning points for me, and after the Bible and Covey's 7 Habits, I will list Boundaries as a book that has had a life-changing impact on me.

I need time to unpack the impact of this book on me. And to censor what I am going to share :) I know you share my excitement over the book, R, and I am hoping you get round to reading it too, my dear older daughter :) I have discovered that I can never discover all of me!

"he was, but one..."

I was reading a post by a young friend on Facebook, and I recognised a familiar angst, frustration. Unlike the legendary 7-year itch, many young teachers feel a 5-year itch. It is a point at which you have learnt enough of the craft and content to be comfortable in the classroom; but it is also the point at which you would have had time to assess your successes and be in a position to evaluate the impact of your work. Many young teachers feel a lack at this point: what have I really achieved? Does my work matter? What have my students really learnt? Surely there is more to life than this?

Having walked this path, it is a crossroad I recognise. In a way, the Ministry of Education also recognises this and there are processes in place to ensure that those who are more able are offered job rotations or promotions round about their 4th year of teaching, to keep them learning and not stagnate. 

But there are sometimes many who don't get such an opportunity to grow, or choose not to take the path, and instead contemplate leaving the profession altogether. I am very aware that each person is called to walk a different path, but it saddens me when effective, caring Christian teachers leave. Because I ask, who then do you leave the children to? Who will take your place? 

It is sad that the more effective and caring a teacher is, the more quickly he / she gets burnt out. And if the caring teachers who are willing to go the extra mile, and the next mile, and the next mile, leave, then the ones left in our schools might well be the ones for whom teaching is just a Mon to Fri job that ensures a paycheck. 

So, my young friend, yes, there are injustices in the world. But as Jesus said, you will always have the poor with you. Will you always have that opportunity to have these students in your class for you to model Jesus to? The injustices of the world were there before you became a teacher and they will be there after you retire. But how long will you have that 14 year old in your classroom,  maybe thinking about the latest gadget and wishing your lesson will end, yes, but still, in your classroom. Looking at your face, feeling your hand on his shoulder, listening to your words and experiencing the presence of Christ in you in a far deeper way than you will now realise.

So I say to you, don't give up. Remember Abraham. Remember God says "he was but one, when I called him, that I might call him and bless him" (Isa 51:2). 

You and I are "but one". But the same God who saved the nations through the obedience of one, will multiply your efforts. The same God who sent his One and Only to save generations, can and will bless your students therough you. You will never know till you see His face, how he has used the faithfulness of "one".

All Work and No Play

I have been training to be a Facilitator at a course that is run by the Pastoral Counselling Ministry of my church. It's an 8-week course and I've just finished the fourth week. It is a really interesting course called 'Search for Life', originally designed by a church in Australia. It's a fantastic course and created a whole new sense of self-awareness and self-discovery in me when I attended it as a participant in 2009. This time I am attending it to be trained as a Facilitator.

Though it is my second time in the course, I realise there is still more I can learn about myself.  The last session on Family of Origin was fascinating for me. and I realise there are many aspects of my childhood that I have not explored or remembered. Thinking about my childhood specifically this time around has made me both pensive and grateful.

One thing that stood out for me is the realisation that I never played as a child. All the others in my small group had fond memories of playing with their siblings and/or cousins, they spoke nostalgically of games they played, but I had no similar memories. I only remember reading, and reading and reading. Because that was the one thing I could do on my own.

I spent a great deal of time on my own because although I was the youngest of 9 children, there was a big gap in years between my siblings and me. The sister just ahead of me was 8 years older and my eldest sister was 25 years older than me. Most of my sisters had left home - either because they were married or for their studies. And sisters in their teens and twenties had no time for a child.

Because I belonged to a small community called the Brahmins, playing with neighbours was out of the question. The other Indians were considered 'unclean' because they were of a different caste and children of other races were 'unclean' because they were meat-eaters unlike my strictly vegetarian family. And unlike the others in my discussion group, we did not live in a 'kampong' where there were common play areas for neighbourhood games. My one highlight was the monthly prayer session that my parents would go to - at  the Samajam, a  place specially built by the Brahmin community for them to have their elaborate prayer rituals far away from the masses. Here I would meet my cousin Jeya. And while the adults prayed, we  kids would talk. But there was no rowdy play. We were, after all, at a mass prayer session, and clad in our long 'pavadais', there was  little room for boisterous behaviour.

Thinking back, I feel a sense of loss that I never played. I think I just accepted such social isolation . Perhaps that's why books feel like companions. Perhaps that's why I like to be quiet and listen to people talk. Perhaps, that's why when my baby was born, I had no idea how to entertain her, except by reading. All the parenting I did was by reading as well. I read books on age-appropriate play for children and religously followed the suggestions. I read about how babies needed to be talked to, how to make mobiles, how to sing nursery rhymes. It was your father who played catch, who played ball games and taught you to ride a bike. And it was me who picked your books :)

I feel sad for that little girl who didn't play. But I marvel at my God who caught that little girl. I look back now and wonder at how I managed, at what I learnt. And looking at the two of you now, my daughters,  I feel sure God was watching over us, giving to you what I didn't know I didn't have. I learnt to play because of you :)

I Like Things Just the Way They Are

I know this about myself - that I don't embrace change easily. Yet, every time I struggle with change it comes to me as a surprise. Having known I am resistant to change, wouldn't I cope better? 

In some ways I think I do. I am able to recognise those times when I snap at others or cross my arms during meetings or have a chatter in my head that is louder than the discussion going on around me as being symptoms of my refusal to embrace change. It takes me time to adjust to a new way of doing things, to new places, to new people. And I have made many decisions in the past because it was more expedient to keep things status quo.

But it seems to me that I am in a place / phase now where God wants to 'loosen me up', to change (yes, change!) me in ways I am not too crazy about. One phrase that has haunted me since last week is "new wineskins for new wine". I know there are many people who would get excited at the prospect of this. But I am not one of them :)

I have had quite a few changed circumstances to deal with last year - in the family, in my job, and now in my workplace and to be totally honest, I am feeling stressed. I would love some space and time to myself to think, to pray and to just make sense of the changes so that I can soothe the 'me' that is complaining loudly inside my head. I feel I don't have head-space and heart-space to deal with the needs of others right now.

I have hard decisions to make ahead of me. But those decisions would create more changes and I realise I am putting off making these decisions only because I feel there are too many things for me to cope with already. Right now I feel, maybe old wine in old wineskins is ok really...

The Old and the New

In the 2 months I have been at my new job, I have heard a phrase repated many times, that I never once heard in my old office - the phrase, "when we have reached our age..." :) The phrase is a frequent preface to any number of observations from the many aches that are felt, the types of food that agree and do not sgree with us, the way we respond to work challenges to snippets of family life that are shared...

I realise that for the first time in my career, I am working with colleagues who are the same age or older than me. And I am puzzled why I find it a strange experience. One would expect, wouldn't one, that your colleagues would be of the same age as you? Why, I wonder, have I always worked with people younger than me? And I realised this last year - that I have only 1 friend who is a year older than me. Most of my close friends are really at least 5 to 10 years younger than me!

I am learning a different way of relating at work now. I curb my tongue lest my jokes are too cutting, I ask for advice and take care not to proffer opinions too quickly, I say my share of "at my age" :) I miss the easy camarederie of my younger colleagues in my old workplace; I miss gathering at the centre table for coffee and gossip; I miss crowding around computers to view the latest Kate Spade sale pieces. I expect I will be making new memories at my new workplace too. I know this is a transition phase and I will soon settle in. But we are moving to new premises on Tuesday and I for one am loath to leave.

Time and Tide

Somehow I have a feeling that the usual rhythms of the year are going to be interrupted for me in 2011. In 17 days, R will be going back, and for the first time, I actually bought her a one-way ticket because she isn't sure when she would be able to come home next. That in itself feels strange for I realize her June semester break and Nov summer break had become markers for me. With C in Nicaragua and not sure of his break times, J's leave periods are up in the air too at the moment. Add to that the fact that I don't really have a handle on the work ebb and flow at my new work place, and the year seems a fluid one.

I am also thinking about what I can look forward to this year. So far, the big milestones seem to be work related - a workshop presentation at a conference in May and the official launch of ELIS in Sept. I also have a commitment to help with the writing of my church's 40th anniversary commemorative book and to be trained to help as a Facilitator with my church's Pastoral Counselling Ministry. Otherwise - a blank year! 

The big project that I should embark on, but have a panic attack every time I think about it, is renovation of my house. I've found interior designers I can work with, I have approved of their preliminary plans. But I fight shy of putting down the 10% deposit needed. That seems so final! And I baulk at the thought of getting packers and movers in, of finding financing, of finding temporary accommodation, of supervising the renovation process, then the process of moving back in, unpacking. Whoa! I feel the familiar heart palpitations even writing about it :)

As I think about the coming year, I remember feeling 2010 was a blank canvas too. But looking back, I see that because of that blank calendar, I had space to handle the storms and sadness that came my way last year. And I wonder if the blank calendar was God's gracious provision for me... Perhaps, my loving Abba knew I needed head space, needed the familiarity of routine work, needed the cover given by comforting office colleagues and time to meet with friends and grieve... 

And now, 2011 is a new chapter. And I am comfortable with the blankness. If there are blank spaces, I know God intended them for a reason. If there is a rush of work, I know it is a period of fruitfulness that God has blessed me with. The phrase God has given me for this year is "Hold lightly and release with love". I am not even going to pretend to know what that means. But I know I can trust my God.

Back at Blogging

Helloooo blog!! I have missed you! I don't think I have gone so long without writing before! I've been waiting for Friday evening the whole week, waiting for this pocket of time when I can once again write. Life has been mad for me since December and so far, this year has been a bleah.

So, let's see what has happened since I last blogged. R came home for the summer holidays. - and in 2 weeks she would once again be off. C was in town for 2 weeks for a visit and we went to Bintan. We stayed in the bungalow we usually rent; I like it because it allows all of us to be together, cook what we want to and I make believe that it is my seaside holiday home :) I realised the Israel trip had exhausted me and the most strenuous thing I wanted to do was to get a massage. I think it was a good short break and with each visit C seems more relaxed and fits in with the rhythm (or lack of it) of our home. I'm glad.

Christmas was awkward with the changes in the family dynamics and so was New Year. But I really appreciated the girls, Prav and Srawan making sure that we celebrated :) 

So 2010 with all its ups and downs is over and looking back I realise that the 2 phrases God had given me for the year held special meaning - "Build authentic relationships" and "Simplify your life and enrich others'." The year has indeed been one where my relationship with God has become more honest and toxic relationships have been cleared out. I have not been successful in making my life simpler  though :) Unfortunately, I have developed a new penchant for Kate Spade bags... I blame the girls at work for this totally!!! :)

This year, I have also started a new job. I am now a Master Teacher and that exalted-sounding name means that I will be doing teacher training instead of the research and policy work that I have been doing for the past 7 years. Unfortunately, I'm not particularly enjoying my new job as yet. The happiest time for me these 3 weeks was the one afternoon when I ran a workshop for Econs teachers of a JC! I struggle to manage my mood every day and I know what exactly is wrong but I don't quite know what to do about it. Up till now, the work I have been doing isn't different from what I was doing in my last place and I am disappointed because I was looking forward to teaching again. But I know this is temporary and that once the courses have been developed I will be able to teach. I wish I had more structure, clear timelines, time to read and plan instead of the numerous "by tomorrow" and "by the end of the week" deadlines which make me dissatisfied because I don't feel I have given off my best. 

This month,too, R turned 21 and we had a small do for her friends. It was quite fun actually, as she had arranged for a Bollywood dance class for her friends before we adjourned for dinner to an Arabian restaurant. 

Birthday dinner at chili's...

Dinner at Nabin's

 We also went on a short family holiday to Phuket which was marred a little by  first R being sick, then J; a stinky air-conditioner in our hotel room and weather that was so hot that we could feel our skin burning just walking down the road to the beach! Needless to say we spent around 5 minutes on Phuket's famed beach :) Nevertheless, I was glad to be able to spend some time with my daughters so the holiday wasn't as bad as it seems...

The other exciting thing that happened is that my dear friend Mini gave birth to a son. Mothering again at 42 is going to be a challenge but all of us are excited about it. He feels like a joint project :) 

 

Well I suppose a lot more things happened, though nothing else comes to mind now. I guess this has just been an update of sorts, not really blogging my thoughts. But it has been a long week, and right now, my mind just feels mundane :)