Strength

"In the depth of winter
I finally learned that
there was in me
an invincible summer"

- Albert Camus

Random Thought

Sometimes, when my pastor preaches, he says there are some questions he wants to ask God when he gets to heaven. His questions are usually theological. My mind is too small for that. I have absurd questions that I want to ask God when I get to heaven.

For example, if I am not flat on my face in awe of God, I really want to know about Noah and the Ark. It is a story that is told in Sunday School and easily believed by 3 year olds but likely to be received with much skepticism by adults. It is one of those stories in the Bible that non-believers love to take apart.

But I really do want to know too - Were insects on that ark too? Why cockroaches God? And how did Noah feed this zoo that consisted of the whole ecosystem? And clean up their poo?

I don't have the answers. All I can say, right now is, I don't know. But it is in the Word of God. One day, He will tell me. Or maybe at that time, I will not care.You think I've gone nuts, right? :)

Time

" For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace."

- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I love these verses. They give me perspective. They help me to look beyond the confusion, irritations, disappointments and pain of the day to day. They teach me not to be complacent or arrogant when all things seem to be going my way. And they teach me to wait, because God isn't done yet. Sometimes we build bridges; sometimes we have to burn them.

The Horror! The Horror!

I googled myself today and guess what I found? This:
"Vara" by Charles Spiteri is the AHWA 2006 short story contest winner. In the short story category, the judges felt that "Vara" displayed great strength of narrative and characterisation, and gave a fresh resonance to some classic horror themes."

AHWA by the way, is the acronym for Australian Horror Writers Association. I suspect ALL my students. I know one of them is "Charles Spiteri". But I am not above suspecting my friends either. I am the horror that stalks you by night. And day. Beware.... :)

More Than Birds & Grass

I have a fridge magnet that says "The best things in life are the people we love, the places we have seen and the memories we have made along the way". With every passing year I find myself agreeing with this thought more and more.

There was a time when a healthy bank account was very important to me. For a long time, money in the bank meant security. I fretted when my bank balance ran low and the yearly bonus was the high point of my year. I was also reluctant to spend money - especially on myself. I now realise that this attitude to money masked deep insecurities within me - a lack of self-esteem, self-love and a misplaced belief that a healthy bank balance meant I was somebody.

I thank God for how He has set me free from the love of money. For that was what it was - a love of money for what it meant to me. It was a long struggle and one that caused me a great deal of anguish. Even today, there are days I look at my bank account and feel fear. But in a strange, strange way, God has loosened the grip of my fingers. It has happened through the many many debts I have helped to settle. And I realise that which each loan that was not returned, with each debt that was paid only to recur again, with each disappointment and heartache, God has helped me to let go. He has taught me that money really does come and go, but He remains. He has taught me the truth of Matthew 6: 25 - 30:

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?"

It is strange that today I can actually give thanks for something that caused me a lot of heartache and tears. I can give thanks because I know this to be true - God , and God alone has been my Provider. My Jehovah Jireh. He has indeed faithfully provided for me and my family.

We do not live in luxury and there are many things I confess, I desire. But by loosening my grip on money, God has taught me many lessons - that people matter more than things, that I must give without expecting obligation or returns of any kind, that someone who gives you more does not necessarily love you more and vice versa. I have learnt that money is a means, a tool. I have learnt that God is my only real security and when I am anxious about tomorrow, I must look at my yesterday and see how He provided for me. I have learnt that I must hold everything God gives me with open palms - to receive with thankfulness and to let go. At the end of the day, it does not matter how rich I am, but how enriched my life is, and how I have enriched the lives of the ones I love. Because God loves me more than the birds of the air and the grass of the field.

Those Were the Days, my Friend

I came across this photograph in our Public Service in-house magazine. Do take a look. This was when we were on our highest moral horses and determined to keep the hippies with their guitars and drugs and questionable attitudes out of our clean Singapore. And what better way to identify the hippies than by their long hair, right? So we used to have these posters up in all government offices and yes, the rule was enforced :) We even banned guys with long hair from entering Singapore. The immigration officials brandished scissors and guys with long hair were given 2 options - cut those locks off or board the next plane home :)

The 1970s Hair

I am OK

"I learned that it is perfectly ok to be different. It is ok to be intelligent and ambitious; informed and generous; and comfortable with power. And that it is natural to want to have a strong voice and to want to play a bigger role. Because the alternative is to stay unfulfilled, restless, and powerless."

- Marina Kotsianas, 'What I Learned on My Way to 50+"

I found this quote in a website I was browsing. And it resonates with me. For too long I realise I have been pretending to be dumber than I was, not voicing my opinion even when I had one, uncomfortable when making decisions that needed to be made, just to keep the family going and an ego satisfied. No more. It is ok to disagree, it is ok to say, "thus far and no more". I am OK just the way God made me.

Bonding in Bintan

I know I have been to Bintan too many times when the receptionist at the hotel recognises me and says "Welcome back ibu" :) It is true. They should offer me Frequent Visitor status.

I was back at Bintan on National Day, with old friends. I read somewhere once, that it takes a long time to grow an old friend. And that is how we got here, my friends and I. Over a long time. We all used to teach together in my beloved school, Jurong Institute, which sadly, no longer exists. I am very glad our friendship has survived beyond our workplace :) Hey, we need a name!

It was a brief (but intense) 2D1N holiday as Bintan is only an hour away by ferry. It being National Day, the ferry operator actually distributed little Singapore flags to all the children on board. The sad fact was that none of the children seemed excited about these flags they were given. Even sadder was the fact that WE got really excited when we saw the flags being distributed, but got none :)

The absolutely first thing we did was to get a massage (of course) and foot reflexology while waiting for our villa to be ready. And once again, dear Shamala proves that she is an, ahem, "technical wizard" by getting her finger into the view finder... :)

I would say we walked along the beach as after all, we were on an island...



but this is where we really wanted to get to... Yes, my friends, you KNOW this is true ;)

I would say we swam in the pool, but again, with the exception of Mini, this is all we wanted to do...

So, hey, it was a GREAT holiday. In no order of importance, the highlights of our holiday were

• fantastic, honest conversations
• great massages
• 'silky tresses' from the hair spa :)
• the end of 'teetotaller' status for one :)
• Tamil songs especially "athi thai thai thai (sic)" and ""sentamizhnattu tamizhichiye" :)
• lots of laughter
• reciting the pledge at 8.10pm :)
  
• pseudo dieting :)
• 'Sex and the City' - oh, ever mine, ever thine, ever ours... hahahaha...
• pigging out at buffet breakfast
• jacuzzi :)
  
• great conversations - oops, have I said that already? Never mind, it is worth repeating :)

I had fun. I know you did too :)

My Patient God

I have a friend, Rita, whom we tease mercilessly, because she repeats almost everything she says. She does it for emphasis, and especially if it is a nugget of wisdom, she needs to be sure that her listeners have got it. Really, really, really got it :)

I think it is an occupational hazard. We teachers tend to do it – to say the same thing over again, in case you didn’t get it the first time. That’s how we become dangerously close to being nags. Ok, I admit it, we do nag. The one thing that shuts me up is when I remember Solomon’s priceless analogy of the nagging wife and a dripping tap (“A quarrelsome wife is like constant dripping on a rainy day”! (Prov 27:15)

But, I have learnt, in my walk with God, that His way is different. He never hits me on the head with a sledge-hammer. Though there have been times when I have wished He would and just tell me what I need to hear! Nor is he like the nagging wife in Proverbs.. drip, drip, drip…aaagh!

No, God has been gentle with me. There have been aspects of my character He wanted to put right. There have been lessons about myself that He wanted me to learn. There was knowledge He had wanted to reveal to me. But He has been very gentle with my fragile soul.And He has repeated many lessons in different ways.

I spent this last weekend reading through some of my old journals and I have been amazed at some lessons I have recorded. There were verses that I had forgotten, there were sermon notes that made a different sense to me now than then. I remembered advice given to me by my best friend that had hurt me then but which makes sweet sense to me now. An old dream that was interpreted to me… And I am amazed at my God’s care for me.

A good teacher knows, the child will not learn unless he is ready to hear what you have to tell him. He needs to be at the right place emotionally, intellectually and in terms of maturity before he can receive what you have to teach him in a meaningful way. And I realize God has been preparing me and growing me and waiting for me in the same patient way.

Over and over again, I have seen God’s patience with me. Patient when I rejected Him and turned to other gods, patient when I struggled with Him and said no, patient when I searched for Him, patient when I fought Him and wanted my own way, patient when I turned away from Him and tasted the fruit of sin, patient when I waited far off not trusting that He would welcome me back home again. And now, He has been patient, while I have been angry with Him, patient while I argued, patient while I cried.

Yet through it all, He has taught me about myself, my weaknesses, my strengths, my needs. And He has taught me about Himself, who He is. Yes, my God repeats Himself. He has repeated lessons I have not learnt. And He shows me repeatedly that He never changes. And He repeats no matter how many times I ask Him, just how much He loves me.

Contemplating, Considering....

I am thinking about going on a Holy Land Tour. It is a trip I have been wanting to take for a long time. My friend, Dot, and I almost went last year but the trip got postponed because the organisers had left booking the air tickets too late. Now another opportunity has opened up with a group from the Singapore Bible College. Should I go?

My heart says, yes. My head says, you have got to be kidding me.

My sister Su said, go. Because she postponed a trip to Trinidad and missed the chance to see her good friend before she died. My bank account protests and pleads with me to be a responsible mum. My best friend says, go - you promised me that for one year you will not sit out and that you will dance. My body says, 14 days of touring? are you up to it? The voice of Ms Not-good-enough says, you aren't in a good enough place with God to walk where He walked. But the voice of Ms Child-of-God says, what utter rubbish, when did Jesus ever say that?