A Bizarre Sunday

Sunday 10th Sept 2006 was a bizarre day. So bizarre that I can’t get it out of my mind. In the morning, I attended the wedding of one of my students. It was an emotional event for me because she had had such a hard childhood and weathered stormy teenage years. To see her as a bride, on the brink of a new phase of her life was a moving moment for me. I was just glad that she had held it all together and built a life for herself. Then, in the afternoon, I had to attend a funeral. Of a 42-year old man who had committed suicide. What hopelessness and despair must have overwhelmed him to the extent that he would take his own life? And how helpless the survivors feel – not knowing what they could have done or said to this man if only they had known… The day ended with the 50th birthday celebration of a dear friend – a surprise organised by friends and family. It was a great evening, spent in the company of old friends, catching up with each others’ lives.

3 life events – a gamut of different emotions. Pride & thankfulness, sorrow & despair, joy & contentment. It seemed as if I had experienced a slice of life.

Lazy Saturdays

I have come to look forward to Saturdays. They are days when I don't have to do anything. No one is at home except me. I read. I talk to God. I surf the net. I nap. I am at peace. There is no to-do list, no expectations and the promise of another day tomorrow before I have to go to work again. It was even better last week when I had Friday off. What bliss!

All this contentment makes me wonder whether I am enjoying my work. My favourite section in the newspaper is the travel section every Tuesday & every day I look at the tours listed in the Classified Ads - and imagine the places I could travel to... I spend quite some time at work thinking about when I can apply for leave again. I just seem to crave a quieter life, a life when I can just be. Of course the harsh reality is that if not for my work (and the salary that brings) I would not be able to have the leisure I am enjoying..... Hah!

An ideal Saturday for me would begin with a long walk in Botanical Gardens. A good long shower followed by a nice latte and toast & the newspapers. Then more coffee and my quiet time. Then a soothing massage followed by a cup of ginger tea before a light salad - to balance all that caffeine I've already poured into my system :). Then home to a blissful nap.If I could then watch a really good movie and have dinner out, it would be a perfect day!!!

One of these Saturdays I'm going to plan this perfect day out for myself.

When storms come

“In the world, you will have tribulations: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” – John 16:33

An average view of Christian life is that it means deliverance from trouble. It is not. It is deliverance in trouble, which is very different.

This was the interesting verse and comment on my desk calendar today. So often, when I am troubled I lose sight of the fact that God never said that my life would be free of trouble. What He did promise was that He would be with me during the trial, that He would never leave me. And that is the difference to Christians.

Think about it – if Christians led ‘charmed’ lives – if we were somehow protected from the troubles that others face, would there be any issue to discuss at all? Everyone would want this God. There would be no questions asked – great relationships, good health, wealth, great bosses… it would be everyone’s dream come true. (And then – would anyone still need God I wonder?) But we are not protected in that way. Instead, Christ tells us that facing troubles is part of the human experience. But He also tells us that it is when we Christians face the tribulations that we become the best witnesses to God that we can be – because it is our chance to show them we are human too. We hurt, we cry, we become angry, we get frustrated. But then we have something else – someone else to turn too. And that makes the difference. We know that when Christ climbed into the boat, the wind died down (Matt 14:32).

Be of good cheer – for He has overcome the world. I may not have the answers. I don’t know why things have to happen to me. But I do know that if I would only be still and trust Him, He will take me through the storm.

Honest Talking

I am feeling a bit sad now. These past 2 days I have felt a lot of hurt in the people around me - because of things that were said and because they did not listen to the things left unsaid. I have listened to the silent assumptions and the words that came out based on those assumptions. And I am reminded of how fragile we all are. So vulnerable to hurt and all that we say and do to protect those little fragile selves. And I am reminded of that old song, 'The Sound of Silence':
And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence
Lord, show me what I must say or do. I want to disturb the sound of silence.

God Keeps His Promise

Today, my heart is full with gratitude and love for God.

Many years ago, in 1994, I asked Him for a blessing. It was a time of my life when I was all messed up and frightened and my greatest fear was what would happen to my daughters. God asked me to act in faith to make a decision that was really difficult. And I prayed for the promise in Isiah 44: 3 –
“Do not be afraid, O Jacob, my servant, whom I have chosen. For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on dry ground; I will pour out my Spirit on your offspring, and my blessing on your descendants. They will spring up like grass in a meadow, like poplar trees by flowing streams. One will say “I belong to the Lord”;… still another will write on his hand, “The Lord’s”..”.

It has been 12 years since I prayed that prayer. And today He brought the memory of that prayer back to me.

This week, my Jennani is spending her spring break putting her hand to God’s work, doing work she has never done before to help build houses. And I have just read Rubhinni’s blog and her faith and understanding of God is so far beyond anything I could have taught her that I know God alone has spoken to her. And Maya is growing slowly, painfully, but so surely as she allows You to guide her. Surely You will use them Lord and grow them – as poplar trees by flowing streams.

God does not forget. I had forgotten that promise I claimed. But You have been so faithful and good that I have no words to thank you. You alone have raised my daughters. Your plans are far wiser and far more wonderful than anything man can achieve. Thank you for the blessing Father. And God, give me the grace to remember this and to trust You the next time You ask me to do difficult things in faith.

Preparing for Christmas

Preparations for Christmas began really late this year, I suppose because I was in London for so long. So the tree went up late, the presents were bought hurriedly, the menu is not really decided yet... I feel the usual anxieties creeping up on me as I think about the annual Christams family dinner.

But yesterday while I was attending a workshop, (my mind only half on what was being said, because I was mentally going over all that was still left undone), a thought came to me - why was I stressed and anxious about celebrating the birth of my God? Christmas is when God's love came down. Christmas is about God putting me above Himself.

So I prayed and decided that I will stop obsessing about what to cook, what to buy, most important of all, what people will think... I will celebrate Christ. So I began to think how we can celebrate Christmas so that our Saviour's birth will be manifested to the people who come to our home for Christmas. This is what came to mind -

A Christ-honouring Christmas dinner would

• welcome guests into a warm and loving home
• bless the guests with joy and laughter
• affirm the guests

My goal shall be to make Christmas seem different from all other festivals. Because Christmas is different! Because Christians have a DIFFERENT ATTITUDE! So we will celebrate Christ-mas in a way that makes the guests wonder why this day is different! We will make it a day guests look forward to. We will be generous, joyful, loving and radiate God's love - no matter what!!!

Giving Thanks

Today another child was added to my Father's Household. Maya accepted Christ today and it gives me great joy. It is a prayer answered, it is a jigsaw that fell into place, a promise kept. What is it that makes me word-less at those times that my heart is full of joy? It has been a struggle, there has been so much pain, yet I have known with such surety in my heart from the first time I prayed that God was going to come into this home and build it again. The verse that God gave me then was that this home was built on sand and nothing that was not built on God the Rock can stand. And that has been my prayer - that God will re-build this household on the Rock, that He will be the centre of all relationships here. How many times I have doubted You, Father. How many times it seemed like the end? How many times did I ask - did I hear God right? But You are faithful and what You promised has come to pass and I stand in awe of You.

And I know the battle will begin. But You will triumph. For You alone are God.

Faith

The picture that always comes to me when I think about the meaning of "Faith" is a scene from the movie 'Temple of Doom'. In search of the Holy Grail the hero (Micheal Douglas?) comes to a deep black gap at the end of a cliff. He steps out into the total darkness and then suddenly a bridge appears! But he had to step out first. To just put his foot out there into the emptiness when his brain will be screaming that he is going to fall....

I was reminded of the picture again when I was talking to my niece last night. Faith bridges chasms that reason cannot fathom. It is scary. And you ask yourself again and again, Is that what God really wants? And then on and on till you ask "Is there a God?" because you want to hold on to what you think is certainty - the certainty of reason and logic. But God's message defies reason. His message is one of unconditional love, grace and a goodness that the human mind cannot understand. But as the French mathematician and theologian Blaise Pascal noted long ago, "The heart has reasons that reason does not know." God can be understood only with the heart, with trust in what cannot be seen, only felt.

I will look at this again the next time I need to act in faith :)

Happy Birthday to ME!

Hmmm... Somehow it was more exciting waiting for the birthday than having it. It turns out to be just another day like any other. Shouldn't it feel different in some way? Well, the only thing different is that a lot more people call than on any other day. I've had the mandatory cake - last night - and then calls from my daughter, my sisters, my niece, friends, ex-students... Then of course there are those who obviously forgot - the usual suspects who unfailingly forget (I know the call will come tomorrow) and a few unexpected ones. But otherwise, it was another working day.

I think it's only the very young and the very old who truly want to celebrate. The young because of the sheer excitement of being alive and the old out of sheer surprise :) We middle-aged ones - what does it matter .. 46, 47, 48, 49.. they all seem like the year before. In fact some years you have to count before you can tell your own age. Ha, ha.

OK all this sounds a lot more melancholic than I intended. No, I am not sad. Just pensive. Like wanting to take stock; weigh what matters and what doesn't. Judge the year and see what was important and what wasn't. Or maybe I should leave that for 31 Dec. Anyway, am off now - to dinner and I miss you sweetie. I wish you were here.

Deepavali

We celebrated Deepavali 2 days ago - on 1 Nov. It's a difficult time for me - because I have to think about how to separate the cultural from the religious aspects of the festival.

It's one of the reasons why people think that Christianity is a Western religion and that those who become Christian seem to become 'less Indian' in some way. I suppose in a way the decision also seems to suggest that there is something lacking in the way of life we have left behind. So the decision to accept Christ is met by a number of reactions - some treat it as a 'betrayal', a loss of one's roots; some go all out to prove by quasi-scientific means that the Hindu tradition is far superior; some ignore the decision and continue to attempt to involve the new Christian in their rituals as if the rituals would awaken the 'strayed one' and bring her back; some give 'open-minded' speeches about how all the religions are the same and ha, ha, what does it all matter???? As you can see, I have been at the receiving end of it all.

It IS difficult, not being part of many traditions. I DO miss many of the rituals I used to perform. But not in an aching sort of way. It's more of nostalgia - a 'that's-how-we-used-to-do-it' sort of way. Like a childhood memory I would share with my children. What I have tried to do is to retain what I can of rituals by re-framing them. So yes, I celebrate Deepavali - because it is the Festival of Light and Christ is the Light of the World. And yes, it is the triumph of good over darkness and evil for "You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning: my God turns my darkness into light" (Psalm 18:28). Yes, I can anoint my head with oil for "You anoint my head with oil: my cup overflows" (Psalm 23:5). And yes, I can wear new clothes for I am called to "cast off my old self ... and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness" (Ephesians 4:22-24). So that is how I have 'Christianized' Deepavali for myself.

For I believe that God calls each one of us wherever we are. And where I was born, who I am is all known to God and it's by His design. So there must be a reason why I was born into a Brahmin family, why I was raised as a Hindu and why it didn't satisfy. So I think God is calling me to grow where I am planted. That is why I will hold on to my 'Indian-ness' - I will be a Varalackshmi, because that's who God called and I don't need a Western name to prove I am a Christian. I will confess God by my thoughts, words and deeds and "may the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Oh Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer". (Psalm 19:14)